Tag: Writing
It always gets worse before it gets better
Just when I thought things were getting better with me – emotionally at least — I get hit hard with things again.
I hate being right. I hate being considered a know-it-all and dismissed. I hate being brushed off and having to live with the consequences of their decisions.
I’m being obtuse in my explanation what is going on — I was just right when it came to what tumor is causing problems with my legs and if I have the tumor operated on, I would possibly be made wheelchair bound… Not knowing how long or if at all I would ever recover and get out of it.
I thought of some of the dreams I had in the past – some I have shared with others and I realize they are gone — they only exist in my mind and the only place I can live them is in my mind… I don’t know if anyone reading this can comprehend what it feels like to be told by friends not to be negative but have your entire future white washed… Or be told that your life is ahead of you and not know the truth to that statement…
I don’t want pity, but at the same time I don’t want to feel alone even though those around me insist I am not alone — and that they are pulling for me. I know my friends care, I know that my family cares… but at the same time, there’s this void in my soul — something deep down — that exists. It’s the peace I had once in my life, one that I can fill temporarily by getting my mind off things (the writing and my last post on the journal is a good example)… but at the same time, there is only one true escape and one true way to get around this fortress of solitude and it’s looking increasingly impossible that life will afford me this.
I Will
Back a few years ago, I went ahead and bought The White Album (this was before I lost my hearing) and tried to make heads and tails of it. It was a lot of songs I had never heard before and some of them to this day I have not heard. My main reason for buying the album wasn’t because I heard it was the prime CD at the time for some rockers (which it was, oddly) but becasue of the Paul Is Dead clues that came with the album and certain songs on it (Back in the USSR, Obladi-Oblada).
There was one song I listened to – it was a ballad by John Lennon, which seemed sort of odd because this was John we are talking about, that he wrote to Yoko (everything he was writing at the time went to Yoko) that I found appealing in it’s simplicity and it’s melody. Yet I had the song play in my head sometimes with people I liked or about people I liked and things either didn’t work out or they fell apart. I started to blame the song – does that sound crazy or what? It’s not like any given song can curse a relationship or something like that…
Yet I still blamed the song and if I ever started thinking of it I would shun it from my mind because I took it as a kiss of death for things and oddly enough it seemed to be.
Yet I think of the lyrics now and look at the words themselves and think to my life and wonder if the reason things didn’t work out was because the past girls didn’t fit what the lyrics said? Or maybe I’m thinking too much if I have a song on my mind with people anyway?
What happens with someone who comes into my life does fit the lyrics and my thoughts mirror those of lyrics? I’ve been wondering that when the song popped into my head earlier this week… I haven’t fought it off like in the past. Maybe that explains the current? Then again, maybe I just need a bit of Faith to understand that song lyrics don’t influence the course of life and that I should just let things play out?
I Will (Lennon/McCartney)
Who knows how long I’ve loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to–I will.For if I ever saw you
I didn’t catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we’re together
Love you when we’re apart.And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
You know I will
I will.
Faith
I don’t know if I should be writing about this topic or not because I am not the best guy to go to when it comes to Faith in things. But at the same time I need to at least express my thought son the subject and my own search for it.
Now, what is faith? Faith is a sort of blind trusting of things, letting the chips fall where they may and trusting that they will fall in a way that is OK by you. At the same time Faith is believing that things are going to work out of the best and everything happens for a reason.
I know I have lived life faithless and in a lot of ways I continue to live life that way — think I am the only one in charge of my own destiny and can influence things that are out of my control. I wanted to do what i could in my power to show how much I cared. At other times, I’ve been left so alone that I felt as though no one in the world would put a heavy amount of trust in me, even though friends were laying emotions and thoughts on me. I was looking for someone — I didn’t know who or where or when — who would put some faith in me over things. Someone specific and yet someone I didn’t know.
Faith — I can thank my parents and then myself for abandoning the divine faith… I got out of the habit of going to church at a young age and that was the first seeds of doubt that were laid. When I went to church, I never understood why I was going… Or how I was supposed to pray (was it just wishing?), and I guess I didn’t have the faith then for God to go ahead and show me the way. Going to a religion class on weeknights was sort of the same thing – I was learning what they wanted me to learn but I wasn’t taking it all in and understanding what it was. Maybe I was too young? I like to think that with a lot of things that I started a year before most kids did. I didn’t skip a grade, it was that I started school a year early (pre school and then regular school) and that effected how I did things.
So where am I now with this Faith? In a lot of ways I am lost and yet I am trying to put my faith in some things again. It’s difficult because I want to be the one in control or do what I can to influence an outcome and yet I should show enough faith in people to realize that it’s their choice and their decision how things go and I know they have made the right decisions more times than not and I should trust their judgment. I don’t, however, want to express that faith in the government, who does things beyond my control and makes decisions that I do not endorse. I have control over my government and yet as a member of the US — I am dependent on others having a like mind on things. Instead of doing that, they show that blind faith more times than not and it’s not good for the world. Faith in religion and faith in government are two separate things.
Faith in people is entirely different and yet so much the same I can’t even comprehend.
Right now I need to show more faith than I ever have in this life and at the same time — my faith is really balancing on the edge of a blade. Part of me wants to believe that things happen for a reason and that they fall where they may because something leads to something else… (see Signs ) And yet at the same time, if things don’t work out a certain way, all faith might be lost. All beliefs that I should put faith in people’s hearts and their decisions will be thrown to the curb. I feel like a dick because of this – who am I to stand up and try to make my own personal wants what come to pass? At the same time, knowing how I would be (and this is a pun it would seem) faithful makes me really want to push because I don’t want anyone to lose out on something.
Faith — the faithless heathen that I am wants it, and the manipulative bastard that I am will only keep it if things work out a certain way. I’m sorry, God, that I’m like this. I’m sorry to the world that someone with a big heart can’t show trust in the way things will work out…
5 Senses
5 Senses
Taste
– The words
– The longing
– The emotion
Feel
– The flavor
– The Memory
– The Realization
See
– The sweet nothings
– The touched
– The aching for more
Smell
– The Love
– The romance
– The desire
Hear
– Her perfume in the wind
– The kiss on the cheek
– His hand across your bare skin
© 2003 John P. Fontana
Slow Day
This was a day of surprise and un-accomplishments. A day of procrastination and aggravation along with laziness and hope. It was a day of knowing what i have to accomplish and not going out and doing it — you can be shown the door, shown the path, but only you can walk it through.
I know I have to get back to writing – I have to try to contact Lou Fisher once again and just let him know I am ok and all that. Long Ridge’s website wasn’t working well for me before and after my operation and I am hesitant to try-try-again. I haven’t even looked at Assignment 5 nor have I done an edit of Assignment 4 using Lou’s recommendations but I know i will have to put my nose to the grindstone soon on that.
I haven’t heard from PIF Magazine or Glimmer Train magazine with regards to my entries to their publications from last month — one was a contest entry and I shouldn’t hear back until November (from Glimmer Train) but PIF is supposed to be a monthly publication and I have heard crap from them.
So what was the surprise? Take the good with the bad. It was sort of wacky the fact I had thought to re-iterate to Sarah yesterday (but didn’t, mind you) that she can use my journal to vent any time she wants to. Lo and behold an email from her this morning saying she had done just that after a crappy night. The other surprise — of the bad sort — is my left leg continuing to be weak as hell. Not just that but the fact fo the matter is I don’t know if the leg is there, from how it feels, and it effects my balance and everything else. Walking is a burden with it because I can’t seem to control my knee or my ankle.
Yeah, bad news folks.
And you thought all my entries were going to start being of substance and quality again? Shame on you!
My old "buddies" strike again
Well, well, well… So much as for writing an entry about faith in this space at this time… Something else came up and I thought it was worthy of a posting. I have some old friends that are in the news again and up to their old antics.
“Old friends” you ask? Surely you have heard of the law firm Sonnenschein, Nath and Rosenthal before, haven’t you? No? Honestly not? If I told you they are the firm representing the most influential pop band of the 20th century, maybe you would get a clearer picture of who they are?
The Beatles / apple Corp Ltd’s lawyers.
Apple Corp LTD — founded by John, Paul, George and Ringo all those years ago after the death of Brian Epstein (their manager) — has sued Apple Computers over trademark infringement which makes me wonder just what the hell those lawyers do in their spare time. “Lets go ahead and shake up the industry as much as we can because, damnit, we have clients that are worth billions and we should have a piece of the pie.”
Why do I care? Anyone close to me should know that is a very silly question… I, after all, have already been under the wrath of this very law firm and Apple Corp LTD. Everyone close to me knows this and any constant reader probably would have heard me bellyache already about this. I just find it sick – and sad – where the corporate embodiment of four guys who preached the dreams of life, would try to pinch pennies and make up millions upon millions of dollars by nit-picking issues with a company that has absolutely nothing to do with them.
There’s no mistaking Apple Corp LTD. and Apple Computers… I guess Lawyers just sit around and try to find out where else they can go to get more money through legal fees.
Mourn or Move on
I’m conflicted about tomorrow. Not conflicted as-so-much I don’t buy into the big thing a lot of the media will make tomorrow out to be…
A day of sadness, a day of mourning, a day of recollection, a day of worry, etc.
9-11 was a tragedy and the United States is doing a lackluster job both trying to avoid a repeat of such a tragedy as well as trying to move past that grisley event.
I’m not someone who wants to avoid the issue and dismiss what happened as nothing more than an event in life. I have saved video clips of the towers being struck specifically so I don’t forget. I would like to buy CBS’ 9-11 documentary because it brought back the fires in me over the attack every time I watched it….
But at the same time — I think it’s time we show we are moving on.
I start thinking about those who died in the attacks and wonder how they would take everything that has happened and after the shock wore off, they might get upset at how we are dealing with their memory and how we seem to die ourselves on this date (as we did with the 1 year anniversary), I think they’d be pissed off. Pissed off that there lives are memorialized though sadness.
While I was down and depressed the last week, I’ve been thinking a lot about “Hey Jude” and a reference to it that I made in “Ignorant Bliss” which is posted on my writing site. The song goes on in multiple layers with that endless refrain of Na Na Na’s at the end…. And it appeals to me with regards to 9-11. Why? Why should it? Because I am a Beatles fan? No, it goes beyond that — the song displays sadness and it also tells you that you have to go out and do and things will get better. Not just that, it shows UNITY at the end with it’s sing-along refrain… And there is strength in unity.
Something the United States has forgotten since the attack.
In one ear and out the other
It’s odd how many thoughts I had ready to jot down as a journal entry last night as I was enshrouded by insomnia — politics, random babble, defense of insecurities, attacking paranoia’s, etc, etc, etc….
And all of them have fallen out of my head and become chewing gum on the sidewalk of life — unable to be resurrected.
SO why am I typing up these trivial journal entries right now? I’m wondering that myself, I know others wondered that during their tenures on Der Stonegauge and I know others that read this journal probably get to that point where they wonder “What the hell is supposed to be entertaining about this?”
Well, it’s not for you (depending who is reading this), it’s for me.
That’s something I keep forgetting when it comes to writing down stuff — it was an escape from a lot of vileness and a lot of pain for a time and I am indulged by the pain and the vileness once again. The only problem is my collected thoughts that should make up something entertaining when amassed as written words amount to jack shit right now. And I hate Jack Shit, his breath smells.
I watched The Two Towers today and I was fairly disappointed at how the story turned. I mean, certain suspicions of mine were confirmed and other parts of the story just didn’t hold me like The Fellowship Of The Ring did. SO much going on, spread out, and so little time to tell the tale…
Then again, maybe I am just too f’n harsh on movies?
I also saw another Occupational Therapist today. I’ve seen 3 who have critiqued me in certain things since I got out of the hospital last week. This guy had me doing routine, trivial stuff and you know what? My legs couldn’t take it. Shortly after he left, I collapsed on the floor — my leg giving out much like it had just after I saw The Matrix Reloaded.
But in a lot of ways — it was GOOD that happened. Every time I’ve been working with someone, the tasks put in front of me have failed to challenge me. This guy made it difficult in a assessing way and I needed to put myself to task with his requests.
Question for anyone who wants to answer: Do you do something that another person seems fickle in response to, or wait until they show more enthusiasm (if ever) about the idea?
Anecdotes from a hospital-based boytoy
Ah, the journal… Now if only I could start writing like a human being again. I’ve found out that I am typing mistakes more often and using incomplete sentences more often because I’ve been stuck on the T900 pager the last week and keeping things tied into my friends online through that.
There’s so much I can say here and so much I want to say – stuff still going on and stuff that I want to talk about to specific people but the time isn’t right.
My hospital stay started with a bang – well not really, it was more like an “Oh shit!” when I forced myself to look at the clock besides my bed and see that it was 6 Am. I was due at the hospital at 5:45… Crap. I jumped, got dressed and got the hell out of dodge… Didn’t get tied up in traffic and actually got to the Hospital before my scheduled operation time… Not just that, was only a few minutes late going into the OR.
Was it scary? Going under the knife is always scary but it wasn’t scary like last year. There was something still sitting with me that was scarier and I was trying to accept things as moving on because of it. O course, waking up and having a mask put on me again didn’t make me feel comfortable either but then again – blacking out and waking up in post-op was about what I expected next.
Though I did dream. Of what, I don’t recall, but I am certain I dreamt this time I was under. I don’t usually dream. Last time I dreamt anything, it was of green clouds during my first operation.
ANYWAY, I wake up in the Post-op/recovery center and I’m watching the clock, of all things, because I was hoping to catch someone on a TV Talk show at 12:30. Of course it’s around 2 at the time and my priorities are out of whack but then again – I guess this also showed my confidence now. Oh sure, I was in pain, I was in a neck brace, and I had little movement in my legs (Muscle relaxants) but I was ready to start recovery.
I’ll tell more soon, other things take precedence now – like sleep.
Back to the Wall with the Sword in the hand…
Aye, lads and lasses, John is home…
Thank you so much, Sarah, for a few days of entries — I really didn’t want the site to turn to silence for a few days without me around, it just didn’t feel like a good precedence to set if I had it happen.
There’s a lot to talk about here from the last 7 days — how I am, how things will be in the future, “Questions in the Dark”, anecdotes and dopes on ropes….
Will give you an update soon enough… www.killtheweb.com is in dire need of an entry too so I have my writing cut out for me today.
There’s more I want to say now but I can’t for the moment. And it’s best I talk directly to someone when the opportunity presents itself…
Loneliness
I’m quite sad right now..without a reason really. I’m quite lonely and I have this yearning inside of me that just wishes I had someone here to curl up with and watch a movie or to sit and talk with while we listen to music. The feeling is indescribable to me…like fingernails on a chalk board it really gets me to the point where I want to grit my teeth or throw my head into my pillow until I pass out from exaustion.
It has taken my energy away and made me feel a wave of depression sweep through. I am supposed to be reading my history but I cannot focus to do so. I cannot focus enough to do much of anything, especially writing a journal entry. Generally when I get in this mood I write until my little hand cannot take any more writing or I type until my wrists hurt. There are just so many thoughts that I throw down on paper or onto the screen that I could go through for you right now.
Quite frankly, when I fall into this slump I feel like talking to John the most..he can usually bring me out of it. He’s the one guy I’ve almost always been able to depend on for anything. I can’t wait until he gets back to talk to him..after being away from him for a while I start to feel like part of me is missing..somehow he seems to bring it out in me.
I think he knows that…I think he feels the same too. So maybe I’m not feeling a sort of loneliness..maybe it’s more of a heartache.
Well…that’s all for tonight. I think I’m going to just lay on my bed and let my mind wander for the next couple hours.
Beautiful Day
Ever have a day so wonderful you didn’t and couldn’t let go of it? Ever wish you could live it again and again? Prom was always one of those days for me..or the weekend of homecoming. The energy is so positive all around you, you get to dress up, and you feel so beautiful and important. Yesterday was one of those days for me. Except it didn’t start lovely..nothing that big even happened.
What started this awesome day was a workout at about 1:20 yesterday. I ran and walked with a friend from my floor for about an hour, and afterwards I was refreshed by a shower. It was a nice cool shower that washed the heat away. I pulled my hair back into a low, parted ponytail and finished up my writing for all of you in cyber space. I was nearly late (so I thought) for my Spanish class, but I got there plenty early.
Spanish class is so much fun for me…I love the sound of hearing any foreign language, especially Spanish. More importantly, I love to hear myself speak in Spanish when I’m having a good day with an accent. In class we talked about all kinds of things…boyfriends, girlfriends, painters, writers, books, heroes, and anything else that came up. It was all in Spanish. This was much like my Spanish classes at my high school. I came out of that class with a smile on my face, and suddenly this spark of energy and happiness that had no end. I hurried back to my dorm to share my happiness with everyone.
Many people couldn’t believe how peppy I was just because of my Spanish class. It was as if I were high on something (but I don’t do that sort of thing so believe me, I wasn’t). I smiled and laughed so much with my friends that my cheeks actually hurt. My roommate and I finally got to talking about ourselves a little deeper and now I see how much I really like her. Everything just seemed to click.
Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was still in such a good mood. Mary (my roommate) had the Dave Matthews and Tim Reynold’s Live at Luther CD and we were listening to that before we went to bed. The cd is completely laid back and awesome, exactly how I felt that day. Dave Matthews Band is my favorite one out there…if you’re a fan, let me know…we need to chat sometime.
Finally at 12:45 AM I had to draw things to a close. I had my 8 AM today and I needed to get some sleep. I only hope that today will be half of the day I had yesterday.
Glimpse of Heaven
I saw a beautiful and rare sight today as I went to class at 8 AM. On my way towards the stairs I heard that it was raining outside so I grabbed a jacket out of my darkened dorm and made my way to the lobby of the Griesedeck Complex. It was my first time to see the campus after a downpour. The trees were dripping, grass seemed greener, and one could smell the dust that was beaten down in the rain. It was relatively calm all around. As I gazed across the campus skyline, I saw the powerful steeple of the University Church jutting into the air. It seemed as if a person could climb to the top of the steeple and leap into heaven. You see, the storm was building on the right side, and other ominous clouds were crowding toward it on the left. The sun could barely peek through, but the light that escaped through this gateway was brilliant and of a rich color. I think this morning while God was “moving some furniture around” (my excuse for thunder when I was little), St. Xavier, the patron saint of the church, was smiling on all of the freshman leaving Gries for their 8 o’clock class.
I’m sure everyone wonders who I am. John isn’t in college… he doesn’t live in a dorm. My name’s Sarah. This is my entry. John left this in my hands for the next couple days while he’s undergoing surgery and recovery. I have great faith that he will be back in only a few days and you will not have to deal with my crappy writing.
I’ll give you a bit of my background just for the hell of it basically….I’m from a small town in Illinois, just outside the Quad-City area. I’m 18 years old and I’m now attending Saint Louis University, home of the Billikens. Woo Hoo! My graduating class at home was 59, and I have twice that many people on two floors of my dorm. It’s and adventure so far, but it’s definitely an adventure that I’m learning to love. The paragraph above about the clouds this morning was written between classes of mine, and I decided to include it in here as kind of an opening.
John and I met in a chat room over a year ago, and although he never says my name in his journal entries, he’s talked about me once or twice. Actually more than that even. Usually I appear in here when we’re arguing about something..I don’t really like arguing with John because it takes so much out of me, but shit happens I suppose. I know he realizes this, and I do to….I always come back. It may take a few days, weeks or even months, but I do. Although we’ve never actually met in person, I think we probably will someday. I don’t know if he thinks that, but I still do.
Well, until tomorrow folks, take care and God bless. (And I promise tomorrow will be better!)
An Insomniacs Confession
Once again, I struggle to sleep. 2 AM comes around and I find I can go on till 3 just fine and dandy. Before 3 hits, I am off to my bed where I hope gentle slumbers will take me for a pleasant trip to Dreamland… Yet sleep doesn’t come. I toss, I turn, I let my mind run…
3:15, 3:45, 4:15, 4:57…
It was after 5 AM when I finally fell asleep. This is ridiculous.
Speaking of ridiculous, is there anyone who actually finds these entries enjoyable? Because they are either too personal a confession or just… I don’t know, repetitive rants of the liberal kind.
The last thing I should be doing is questioning my writing right now because that’s all I’ve got, or so it feels sometimes.
First Name Last, Last Name First
I started realizing a dilemma that I’m going to be facing if I am in the writing realm… It’s actually something I noticed a long long time ago but didn’t think it would have any effect on me because I didn’t know where I was going with things with my life. The fact I am getting into writing and — possibly — going to make a name for myself through fiction and other writings causes one slight, teensie little problem.
My name.
You see, John Fontana is a really popular guy. I mean REALLY popular. Not only was he a bartender in New York (My grandfather — known as Giovanni Petra to his parents, I believe, from what my mom was telling me) and the guy I got my name from… He also is a Senior Editor at Network World Fusion and Linux World, a writer for Infoworld and CRM Daily… Not to mention a baseball coach as well as a thousand other things out there.
John’s a popular guy… Real popular. I mean, he even worked on “Bag of Bones” for Stephen King!
Of course, JP Fontana is a wacky Frenchman writer and that causes me some more grief but not as much as I could be having over it.
I need to make a habit out of calling myself John P. Fontana (or J.P. Fontana — I like that one)… I could see a future where some guy gets a call asking to pen an article for a fiction magazine and they were looking for me the entire time… Or me getting asked “When did you get into writing like that, John? I thought you dealt with only the tech stuff?
Internet Boogie
So anyway….
I’ve been finishing going over assignment 4 and I actually killed off the happy-ending for the sake of the plot twist. Not so much a plot twist but a more realistic ending. If I had 2500 words or more, I probably would have further gone into things but alas – 2000 words is the limit and I’ll stay under it, thank you very much.
Meanwhile, I’ve been over at Blog for America and doing my regular political shuffle over at Kill the Web the past few days… Pretty often in fact… All of this and I’ve also been over at DeanFilter.com trying to add news bits here and there. I could use some help to be honest, because I don’t think I’m keeping things news-worthy….
Then again, I could also invest more time in this stuff… I proposed to Toe that it would be beneficial if I started coming up with some heavy political satire to go along with his outrageous and much loved/detested Gwbush04.com web site. I mean, just LOOK at this beautiful stuff he’s writing on his own…
Makes you wanna join the party, don’t it??
At any rate, I need to get my shit together and send out assignment 4… Also calling Doctor Smith’s office is going to be a necessity if I can’t find out some details about surgery or get in touch over the web…
Ego
One moment you can have your ego coddled by the powers that be, the next minute you can have it torn down by a barb. One minute you can feel really good about yoruself and the next minute someone can fuck it up for you in one way or another.
That’s Saturday for ya!
I was feeling really good about myself after getting my latest assignment back from Lou… Especially when he pushed the fact that the story was such a piece that it was worthy of publication now…
Oh, there were edits I needed to make, but tte story content was so vivid and so identifiable that it just was great…
Certain people will coddle their own ego knowing what the piece was about and knowing they told me to write about that specific subject.
Then? What happened? Well, lets just say I deflated and deflated pretty fast for that matter when I felt strung along by the powers that be, people, things, etc. Oh, I could make mention of things I’ve previously complained about recently in here (Medical, medical, medical ) but it was more out of my control than that is (and that is very much out of my control).
THe poetry that’s shown up here was written in May and early June when I had the creative juices going. Sometimes posting a poem is easier than writing a journal entry — of coruse it is, damnit, becasue you don’t have to write anything original off the cuff like regular long winded journal entries are written….
Lethargy
I can’t believe how my day has gone. My highlights are falling down earlier, getting my head hit by the door when Mike entered the room, watching some of Fellowship of the Ring, trying to figure out how many hours +/- General Mean Time I need to set Tampa Bay For Dean and writing about one paragraph on the newest short story I am writing.
Wooo fucking hoo hoo. Wild day at the office. It’s a good thing there haven’t been many on this journal lately because honestly – the news I am reporting should bore the shit out of anyone.
Dejà -VooDoo than I Do
DejÃ-Vu.
Very, very dejÃ-vu…
See, about a year ago I had some things happening to me that made life a big worry… A worry much bigger than your day to day but not so incomprehensible that you would think I’m an alien or something like that (though the Men In Black would argue that)… It’s just something that hung over me much like a new job, moving, or some other great unknown worry would have this feeling of heaviness over you. There’s anxiousness and anxiety to go along with it and a question of just where this will take you.
That was a year ago and I’m repeating it this year.
Yep, John’s got a scheduled date for surgery now – Wednesday, August 20th at Tampa General Hospital. Pre-op on Monday the 18th. I’m thinking of other odd things going on — Bill’s sister is due to have her 2nd kid about that time and — it’s SO STRANGE because that is what happened last year while I was in the hospital.
Very strange, very deja-vu.
Of course this year I won’t be writing to anyone on the pager, telling them soemthing I should have told them the night before I had the operation…
…Nor do I think I’m going to be out of the hospital in 3 days. Hell, I don’t even know if I will be back to walking anytime soon after surgery. I’ve talked about my legs being weak as is right now – I got to imagine if everything goes fine I’m still going to have weak legs and on top of it I might have to “learn” how to use them again.
I don’t know if I will need rehab or what… I don’t know if I should be looking intot he ibot or the Segway because of future lack of mobility… (then again, I want to look into the Segway no matter what so that whole point is moot).
At any rate, after a night off from the computer, I’m writing again with another story… Maybe assignment 4, I didn’t look at the assignment as much yet but I’m writing with constraints just because. Sort of good story but I think it’s been done before…
Also, Melanie will be glad to hear that John got disc 5 of 24 season 1 in the mail. I may very well have that watched by the end of the day… God I love that fucking show
Bad-Legged-Freaks
So it’s late night Saturday (early Sunday, bloody, Sunday morning) and I’m losing myself in my writing again as I have at times of the past few months.
Ahh, the comfort in text – now if it was only worth reading… and if there was only proof people read this stuff (hint hint — click the comment link below and leave a comment about any given entry).
I used most of my day for writing and for 24, disc 4 (It is now 4 PM on the day of the California Presidential Primary) but I had a little incident this afternoon that re-inforced the scary part of my life…
My right leg gave out on me – twice.
I bent down to pet my cat, Smokey — hunkered down — and the leg had no strength in it (at the thigh). I struggled to get my balance and to not fall on my ass or whatever…
OK, maybe it was three times… I remember trying to get up from a chair and it giving out on me again… along with one other instance of leg weakness.
Monday I’m going to learn the date of snip-snip (surgery) and I hope I get to speak to Doc Smith before then.
Sleep time is near… must go… must go… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Dwelling and Moving on
Sometimes, sosmething or someone pains me. All my close friends know that I’m sensitive about shit and what not… They also know I tend to dwell and that bothers them. That bothers me in some ways looking at it long and hard.
Some of the poetry on this very site I wrote while dwelling on the good and the bad, the wants and the hurt with people. Dwelling leads to a lot of inspiration for these works, which is a good thing (not saying I want to be hurt, because I’d prefer the dream, but I actually thought it would be better for my writing being hurt again… That note is for the Eerie out there if they’re reading)…. But dwelling seems to be bothering a lot of people and myself included.
Time heals all wounds… Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get the fuck over it and all that jazz… it just doesn’t work with me.
I dwell on details with people, I dwell on the feeling, the emotion, the pain — or even the euphoria when I feel it. The happiness… but it’s with who I’m feeling those things with that I dwell on – not the events specifically. I could name five events where I got hurt badly emotionally but I couldn’t tell you specifically when I last went hysterical laughing with someone I cared for, or 5 specific times i made someone lose control of themselves with making them happy or laugh or whatever. (ah, memories – i can think of one specific instance off the top of my head).
Actually that’s not quite the truth – it’s just the negative comes out easier than the positive… The negative leaves a more lasting impact than the positive. That’s human nature though. There are plenty of instances that enjoyment / mutual laughter I have had with friends and family but those don’t stand out as monuments so much as negative things. I can think of positive things that stand out as monuments with people but those monuments are faulty idols now from a long-extinct tribes of the world, or so it feels.
I don’t want to dwell on the negative things I could think, I want to move on, I want to move away… Yet, how? How can I?
At the same time I don’t want to hurt anyone trying to get my own personal escape and move on through another, only to toss them away when I’m over things. I’d rather carry my pain than bestow it on another person. I’m “messed up” like that… I care where other people say they don’t.
I care too much, for god sake… I talk to a friend off and on all day yesterday and today and I feel funky, if not upset, when I find out she’s got a guy friend over her place? Why do I take it so personal? Just my own selfishness? My own idealistic dream that someone woudl want to hang out with me?
I don’t want to be aloof in life. I don’t want to close off my heart to everyone except a select few… Yet I don’t want to carry un-needed burdens like this.
For the record, I don’t think I did when I was truly happy — but right now I’m not, and I don’t know how to get there from here.
Top of the day entry
Seeing how it’s almost 10 AM I thought I would start the day off with a journal entry. I’m seeing Dr. Bartels inside 2 hours and I’m going to be talking turkey with medical stuff.
Ah, and to clarify something I said yesterday: I’ve been dealing with a story that I’ve written off-and-on the past few weeks right now. It’s going ok but I don’t know when I’ll close the story up or what I’ll do to close the story up for that matter. If I just keep going with it — and i don’t know how I can, I had one idea ironed out and I’ve gotten through that idea with 14 manuscript pages — I’ll find a closing spot… but right now as it stands it’s going to be a much more difficult thing to do for me than I would like it to be.
But that’s writing for you – it’s not always a joy… yet immersing yourself in writing and concentrating on it gives you escape from the world.
Trust in things…
Was writing today for the most part — as I was yesterday as well. Don’t feel quite up to a full entry, want to get away from the computer again…
Trust in things
beyond my doing
Faith in things
I can’t believe
Wanting things
That leave me yearning
Craving things
And the pain they leave
Telling you
In lingered silence
Seeing you
In the words you weave
Smelling you
In your sight for sore eyes
Loving you
And your careless deeds…
No thought was put into this, I always knew it would come to this
Thought – it’s your enemy… It’s also your greatest ally because if you don’t think you end up doing things you regret or things that hurt other people… Or yourself for that matter.
What am I thinking about that happens to be my enemy? Hmm?
Politics…. Anything and everything that is rehashed propoganda from one side of the political spectrum to the other… It happened 5 years ago with Clinton and the Monica-Lewinsky and now it’s happening again with Dubya and lying in order to sell the nation on a War that is no longer popular nor seen as something that had been needed.
The Weather….. Florida’s gotten really lucky the past… oh… I don’t know… 11 years since Hurricane Andrew struck south Florida. Tampa Bay has been even more fortunate because it was never struck by a strong hurricane (well, it hasn’t been for a while) and it is seen as an area that would see the same devestation Homestead saw if a Hurricane hit us directly… That worries me a bit because, much like earthquakes, the longer the silence between events, the worse they are going to be when they finally happen.
My Health…. On my mind too much lately – literally.
The Buccaneers…. Camp’s open! May the title defense begin! Oh, and Brian Kelly? Shut the hell up and just play your fucking game, will ya? Money grubbing, greedy bastard….
24…. It’s now 8 AM on the day of the California Presidential Primaries and I’ve learned I should hate Netflix just because I won’t get episodes 9, 10, 11 and 12 for at least another day (I just watched 5-8 tonight and it floored me. What a fantastic show!)
Mica Furniture…. or “How I learned to hate my furniture and want to take a match to it.”
Writings…. It’s funny how you can get inspired and know where you are going to go on a story and then procrastinate over telling the tale. I have a “Running away” type story on my mind that I’ve typed 10 manuscript pages for but I’m procrastinating — again — over finishing it up. Maybe I need to do something with the music on my computer — bettter organize it — so I’m not as distracted any more over it while I try to write?
Der Stonegauge…. Have you had your ‘Gauge today? 😉
Ah well, thought is your enemy and thought is escaping me at this point.
Non-commital and an acquital
I want to
rant about commitment and things like that right now and people’s fear on it
because — well, there’s just some of it around from a few different people
and it’s more of the same in my humble opinion. More of the same that I’ve already
been exposed to but I hadn’t commented on…
I’ll pass
though. I’m just not committed to the idea of going off on that one…
I think
Assignment 3 is done for der Long Ridge. I mean I really think it’s done. It’s
not that I was toiling but as I said in previous entries to this journal – I
was avoiding (there is that wacky lack of commitment thing again! How ironic!).
Though I’m not entirely happy with the story because it seems weak and not provoking
or anything like that – just a report on living as a Bucs fan up until January
of this year (SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS BABY!!! YAY!!! 
) and that makes me sorta depressed because I really like writing stuff with
a hook or that really makes you pissed off…
Writing
should invoke emotions at times… I mean, this journal is a purging of my own
emotions most of the time (and an attempt to get me on the knack of writing
in general for the day) yet there are thoughts and ideas that have been presented
here that might make you say "Yeah, I’ve been through that before."
Or perhaps, "Damn, I can’t imagine what this guy is going through."
That’s still invoking an emotion. What I wrote and will submit to my course
was supposed to invoke more of the feeling of a fan that has suffered through
the hardships and the relation to fans across the nation and around the world
who have suffered for years… Yet it didn’t end up that way.
I still
have to write Lou a
letter… Or more like edit the letter I already wrote to him. No biggie there,
just gotta commit to it instead of zoning out.
Eh, one
last note – I’m pissed off at the online pizza ordering things. They’ve dumped
all their deals and it’s making it harder for me to buy a pie online (which
I used to love to do).
Ambling Verse
I could continue to rant about my health situation or my current writing assignment but instead I wanted to bring up some old writing for the sake of just filling this entry up with something besides the same-old stuff. One thing about “Staying drunk on writing” as Bradbury didn’t say, is that sometime — you need to refill your bottle in order to get drunk again and it’s a hard thing to do.
I Want to Write Your Song
I want to write your song
Dabbling through the sounds and things
Using guitars, snare drums and strings
WIth a joyous tune that makes everyone sing…
I want to write your song
One that mirrors your personality
One that touches your fantasies
One that’s as captive as your beauty
I want to write your song
Yet the words keep coming out wrong
Why can’t I see
Your delicacy
Is a tune that can’t be put into words?
© 2003 John P Fontana
The Horizon…
The horizon
An unobstructed view of the West
Where the fading light shows it’s wide spectrum of brilliance
Dimmed on the palette of mother night
The horizon –
Where will tomorrow lead?
Will encounters in the West will leave another impression
On this stranger?
And as we dance towards the farscape in our
Winged Chariot
I can only hope I can find peace within the fleeing light
And inspiration through my solitude.
© 2000 John P. Fontana
Fight Lines
So I was up at an hour that
is between dawn and lunch… I couldn’t tell, it was all such a blur to me that
my "wake up" shower lasted 20 minutes with me mumbling as I scrubbed
and thinking of things and people instead of focusing on my day ahead. Actually
it was quite nice to be up at a sane hour in the morning for a change (even
though I didn’t get to sleep until midnight). I’ve been stuck in this unending
trend of getting up from 10:30 to Noon and having rather unproductive days because
of it.
Well, actually, this day
hasn’t been too productive either so don’t think everything was much better
off with me getting up at a sane hour and being able to term the start of my
day as it truly was – the morning.
SO I went to see Doc Smith
and his merry band of medical matrons who masterly manipulated and mutilated
my moxie by keeping me waiting for an hour after the time I was scheduled to
have my appointment. Of course, Dr. Cahill’s passing was most likely the cause
of things being tied up at TGH, so I’ll forgive them for this.
Unfortunately it’s a lot
harder to forgive my body for what it’s putting me through and putting my doctor
thorough, who isn’t quite certain what the cause of trouble is for me or where
to proceed. And there’s a lot of trouble for me. Even more trouble than I mentioned
to him and trouble that can’t be found on MRI images (well, at least this set
of them).
But all in all, a fight
line is being drawn. Action is going to take place soon enough. The powers are
aligning – some for me, some against. Of course, I have to battle on much as
the poem says. I’ve got too many places to go, things to see, people to do..
It’s such a demanding existence, I tell ya! :-p
I had Keith read my first
rough draft of my Non-Fiction assignment (mind you, there are 5 of them and
I was just trying harder with one) and basically he told me it was crap
Of course he also inspired a re-write that put the story more in the first person
about going through the trials and tribulations of a Bucs fan over the years
and the end result was 920+ words and a much better story. I’ve gone through
it once since I wrote it, will have to go through it again before I get up the
nerve to print this story out and send it to Lou.
Personally, I don’t want to keep doing Non-fiction, I want to learn how to become
more charismatic in my writing (as my last assignment feels cold except through
the story’s twists and turns) and keep on chugging with fiction.
Doctor, Doctor
I’m not feeling great again
today, and I’m blaming it partly on the antihistamine I took last night to deal
with sinus pressure. I want to know WTF is wrong with me… And what would be
easier, putting
me out of my misery or giving me a cure?
Speaking of doctors, and
I really feel weird about the cure-or-kill comment because someone who worked
to cure was killed. It happens more often than people will acknowledge or can
acknowledge and it’s strange that I’m making a big deal about this… There
is a doctor who I have never met – or if I met him it was seven years ago…
His name was Dr. Cahill.
Why am I bringing him up?
Well, my leg gave out in June as my constant readers on this site will know…
We called my doctor’s office about it to report what was going on and they said
that if things get worse – go to the ER because Doctor Cahill was attending
that given night. And there’s more to it than that simple coincidence, I’ve
known him by name for years because he shares office space with Doctor Smith.
I probably have passed him in the hall after an appointment or something like
that.. I was just really surprised this happened. Also the fact that I’m going
to be there on Monday is going to be super strange. I don’t know if Doctor Smith
is going to have to carry a bigger load (taking his appointments) or what the
deal will be, I’m curious about that.
Oh, by the way, I actually
did get some of my non-fiction assignment done after my bellyaching in yesterday’s
journal entry. It’s still not complete or how I’d like it but it came out a
little better after I got into my gear writing by typing out that journal entry.
Ironic, ain’t it?
I'm Ranting on Ranting and non-fiction!
I don’t get it. I honestly don’t fucking get this.
How come an opinionated asshole like myself has written dozens of rants on topics from local roads to Dubya and had them published as letters to the editor in the newspaper, has had thousands of rants (be they sports related and or political related or music related or what) posted on message boards across the Internet, and yet I don’t feel comfortable at all writing out this non fiction assignment?!? UGH!
I mean, you do a search on Google for me + the St. Petersburg Times and the following is just some of what will show up (you’ll have to scroll down for each of these letters most of the time:
Light Rail should be Joint Venture
Rail Transit Plans have some big holes in them
"Sunset
Point crossroads needs Overpass" – only one of several letter’s I’ve
written with regard to US 19
"Mass
Transit Could work if Counties combined efforts"
"What if views had been conservative?"
"We Didn’t Deserve the Olympics"
Scientology and Anti-semitism displayed in St. Pete Times letters section
That’s just a brief glimpse of stuff I’ve ranted about. Plus those who know my journal know full well I have ranted on and on about other things and other concerns of mine in here… I already made mention of that in a recent entry into this journal.
It drives me friggin’ INSANE knowing I can write all these short quips about things that concern me but now that I have to write 1000 words on them I’m shit out of nerve to do it. Someone pinch me, someone cuddle with me and someone re-assure before smacking me and telling me to snap out of it and get with it, that this is no big thing and I’m making a mountain out of a molehill.
Positives and Negatives
I started out yesterday just going through the motions on things – it progressively got better until I went off on Bill but in a constructive manner… Telling him he needs to stop talking / focusing on the negatives so much and find a positive and look forward to a positive in life. And things just felt GOOD after that rant.
I figured that was exactly what I needed as well – focus on the positives and not the negatives, because God knows I am surrounded by enough negatives as is. Of course my mind didn’t become a total disaster until my one major positive turned into a major negative for me but that is besides the point a bit.
Actually it’s not besides the point… but it’s an unacknowledged fact from the positive.
Anyway, back to what I was saying, things went good for the most part yesterday after I ranted to BIll. I was happy with my writing – I sent out notes to everyone asking them to read some stories and get back to me because I needed input and I haven’t heard back from anyone — that’s a negative. In fact, there are certain people I haven’t heard back from after asking them quesitons and projecting an image that I am too interested in them and not just looking to be friends – that’s another negative (and a very big one at that). My self esteem is wavering because of stuff like this. I could be doing much better if people would realize what they do – the most mundane stuff – does effect others.
SO right now I am down, nursing a Mike’s Hard Ice Tea and trying my best to stay awake. I took my time getting this entry up because I found a cartoon that really told the tale of my heart right now but at the same time I don’t have permission to repost this cartoon and I won’t (because I am such a nice guy) until I do.
Tomorrow is… Well, tomorrow is something to me that dwells on the heartbreak. More then.
Equilibrium
As of starting this writing, there are a lot of things that are going through my head right now that I wanted to enter in here, but at the same time I need to give some order to the chaos, right? First things first, second things second and all that… right?
The first thing is the balance of the soul — Equilibrium.
Actually, I’m not writing about balance directly or about Libra or about the soul and all that deep shit that I could get into right now. Instead I’m writing about the movie Equilibrium with Christian Bale. Now I’ve talked about wanting to see The Matrix Re-Woah-ded and seeing I haven’t, this makes one very acceptable substitute in my mind. No bullet time and the action sequences weren’t as sped up as The Matrix, but the idea of Gun Kata (a martial art that makes the gun as lethal as a sword) and this 1984 / Fahrenheit 451 / The Matrix inspired film was excellent in it’s own right.
The premise of this film that got my attention the most, however, was the emotion=crime / war / man’s destruction premise. I couldn’t feel Sunday morning besides sorrow or numbness. I started watching the movie and I could identify with Bale encountering emotion for what was probably the first (or a fresh) time. It was like me receiving sound again by way of the ABI in
2001… He is overcome by trivial things such as a sunrise and other emotions and it’ s… just powerful. Of course they could have overkilled that (or maybe it would have been proper?) by showing more imagery like that — having the character just staring at something we take for granted every day and finding emotion (pleasure) in it? That would have been strong too.
As things go, I’ve got 2 papers I may very well use for my 2nd Assignment with der Long Ridge. I’m waiting to hear from my instructor, Lou Fisher, about a question that I had concerning the paper and hopefully that will be soon. I’m also waiting for Sarah Evanchalk to get back to me with regards to the stories — I sent them both to her for her to critique.
Speaking of stories, I’m also waiting for someone to get back to me on a story I touched on a few days ago on here. I think it’s a good story but it could be cleaned up a bit.. And I long to be able to piece together some of the things I touched on with this story by starting another portion of the thing.. I know, I know – vague, but it’ll become apparent soon enough I hope.
I’m also thinking things I shouldn’t be – or I had been thinking things I shouldn’t be. Now I have regrets and I started believing things that aren’t true any more. Talk about a fucking roller coaster with emotions.. And also another vagueness that I apologize to the masses for reading. The person who that would mean something won’t even see this, so it’s not like I’m doing anything by publishing it.
Oh well, more ttomorrow – got stuff on my mind and got time to write.
Stumblin' on a Neon Grove
I’m really struggling right now personally. The soul-sickness is just progressively getting worse instead of getting better. I had felt better a few weeks ago after I had identified the problem and I had other people come back into my life in minor ways here and there and things seemed to be getting back to normal.
Then others reared there head without thinking I needed time and distance from them and the whole deck of cards came crumbling down because of it. My last entry closes out by saying exactly why the deck of cards fell. Time heals wounds and I wasn’t afforded time, so to speak.
And now nothing feels right in the world again. Nothing at all. People don’t get back to me, people don’t want to open up. The entire world has gone conservative besides those who can afford to open their heart – those who never truly left my life and are comfortable with me being a part of it because they have security around them and they want me secure too.
So I wake up in the morning right now and I don’t see a reason to get out of bed — maybe my set routine of reading the newspaper or taking a shower ends up doing it — but I struggle from that point on. I’ve reached out to friends, strangers and others in the past few weeks but I still feel hollow inside, a hole in my soul if you will. I keep expecting something to come up and distract me from all of this – something I can invest myself in that doesn’t require me to dwell on my thoughts as my writing does, and that investment of time and thought cure me of what ills me… Yet that does not happened. Target talked about wanting me back when they fired me but they have not acted like it, my limbs are too weak right now for me to do work anyway (and that is an entirely different story).
I feel like I ought to close up shop — no one in or out of my life unless they are attempting to reach me, not me pouring out my heart and soul to others like I have done. I spent hours last night trying to get into someone’s head and help them out but… It just bummed me out at the same time. I brought this person up in an entry called Seeing Past Yourself last month… And unfortunately no one seems to be able to do that – see past your own personal wants and own personal logic and look from someone else’s shoes and try to understand them and try to comfort them.
I don’t hold out hope for the human race as it stands right now – i always had such a longing desire to see Man overcome it’s weaknesses and selfishness and thrive to better everyone on the planet… Instead, we want to be paid, fed and fucked… And that just continues the stumbling of my head and heart on the neon groves.
Finito — Assignment 1 returned
Well, my first Long Ridge Writers Group was returned to me by Lou Fisher and the response was pretty admirable — for 500 words. Now I get to seriously start looking at my next assignment of 750-1000 words and I sort of shudder right now because I just can’t focus properly on it. Oh, I can write 1000 words on someone or a situation but it doesn’t exactly fit my assignment parameters of writing a situation up. Got to find discipline. Got to make it interesting.
Meanwhile I wrote another story that fit inside these parameters and mimicked just how I was feeling this morning. The problem was that this story is utterly depressing and involves a guy sitting on a bench with a gun in his hand, contemplating his end.. Depressing but it all ends up as a good piece of writing. Unfortunately it’s too autobiographical in a fantasy sense to really make me feel good but it came out cleanly and for a time it made me feel better.
Writings been an escape. An escape that doesn’t last but an escape none the less. Be it good poetry, be it these journal entries, be it short stories, be it instant message conversations with someone who can hold a conversation – it’s escape. Ray Bradbury put it great when he stated that you have to stay drunk on writing or else the rest of the world will destroy you. By investing yourself in your writing you immerse yourself in another world – you get out your own feelings, your own aggravations, your own fantasies and purge yourself of what has been hanging over you.
Of course that doesn’t solve problems of wanting a friend to comprehend what they did and how it isn’t as acceptable as they perceive it. *Sigh* I hate the phrase, “What goes around comes around” but that’s the only thing that gives me peace of mind over things. Sure my heart may mend in the future and I might be able to talk with this friend again but at the same time — the preferable way for things to be fixed is understanding/comprehension and not such selfishness. “I need this, I needed that. I wanted that.. I have to find a way around that.” It’s Erie when someone makes it that way. It’s Erie when someone assumes three weeks is supposed to be enough time for someone to get over a broken heart they helped destroy.
Worlds Of Wonder
I’m writing this entry through Notepad right now because I’m not able to access my web site and update it — damn Digital Zones, fix the fucking thing already! (UPDATE — 8:41 PM as I write this and they are STILL down!
UPDATE 2 — 5:57 Tuesday — FINALLY back up and running )
I’m not feeling so great right now because my chest feels like it’s exploding… Every time I make progress with moving on, I regress a few hours later because of one thing or another. Hmphf, go figure.
I didn’t update things yesterday (insert shocked expression here) because I was waiting for something – anything – online and instead of that happening, I took some allergy medicine after I started feeling very ill and was stoned/out by 10 PM. Seeing I’ve been getting up extremely early and not getting to sleep until 3 lately, it probably was a good thing that I hit the sheets a bit early.
Yesterday I spent the early part of the day sunning myself at the neighborhood pool (that’s telling you how bad the condition of my own pool/porch are) and got righteously burnt with grotesque burn lines from my tank top to prove it. Something tells me that I am going to have to start remembering to use tanning oil :p .
On the way back from the pool I started wondering about some people that were part of my past and if I should bring them up here on the site — knowing that the Search Engines will end up crawling this page and their names will be indexed and they will be able to find this page (them or their relatives ) and realize someone who they may or may not remember was speaking about them and may or may not want to hear from me in the first place.
This is sort of a collective Where Are They Now but without the glory and gifts for those who take part in the program.
Let’s start with the one who lived closest to me who disappeared when 1) she graduated and 2) her mom left her step dad who still lives down the block from me: Lisa LaCasse. Lisa and me were in the same school from 5th grade onward and the last memory that shines through it all is me being a dick and giving her a “body glove” without thinking about her having whip-lash (senior year of HS). If it makes you feel any better, Lisa, I had a neck operation last year and I went through the same hell you experienced. It’s also worth bringing up that there were plenty of rumors (ok, not so much rumors as your sister and her friends screaming it at me when I rode down the block one time) that you had a crush on me at one point or another — it was probably for the best that nothing ever materialized with that because A) I was a coward at the time and B) I was insecure and both affected how I dealt with girls I met.
Next girl who I need to bring up is someone who I admittedly had an interest in during HS at one point but things got torn apart after we moved up from 11th grade — Jen Wertenberger (which I probably spelled wrong . I haven’t seen hide nor hair of Jen since — I can’t even remember. I did see her friends at Target one time and thought she might be with them but I didn’t see her if she was. Jen was a good friend and I was a smart ass and a dick when I was hanging out with her, and the same insecure coward I talked about above.
Now, the next name on the list is one that my friends hear one time or another usually when I confess my past and I am arguing with myself whether to mention her here or not… Ok, I’ll do it: Jill Clawser. There, I said it… Someone lock me up! I was so obsessed with Jill during 10th grade and much of HS but I was so scared to step forward and so insecure to tell her how I felt… Probably for the best, of course, everything happens for a reason or so I once was told by a very wise person. Jill dropped out from HS her senior year, I saw her a few times at Spencer’s Gifts and one time at Target on a passing chance but then – nothing. I had a web page up in my Pictures section asking “Where are they now” and her aunt came across the picture — ma’am, if you find this, I was sort of terrified someone actually responded to the inquiry about Jill and I didn’t know how to tell you that I can’t hear so well so I couldn’t use the phone and call her if you got her number.
There’s someone else I was close to online that has disappeared entirely because I know her life went in a different direction than mine and was always a good bit different than mine, she was someone I needed in my life as my friend in a very trying time in my life (right after I went deaf) and I value her being there for me till this day. Tiffany O’Neal of Jackson, Mississippi. Me and Tiff used to talk on AOL and later on AOL IM for hours every morning before she went to school… I got to know her and her friends that she lived with, Jill Brown and Thomas Hood. I’m wondering what-up with all of you? Last thing I heard from Jill was that Tiffany had entered the Navy? Maybe, maybe not… I can’t be certain. It was so long ago….
Memories…. from the corner of my mind….
Of course I could post about other people in here that I used to be interested in or friends with but it’s for the best that I don’t. Besides, this feels like I have been rambling for hours even though it might have been only 10 minutes. I’m much calmer than I was when I started this thing.
I’m really getting antsy though — I want access to my web site back so I can get this update up!
Oh yeah, kiddies, I’m getting Mike’s kick ass computer system as he is getting a new machine any day/hour/minute/second now…. I’ve cleaned out most of my files/pictures/movies/applications on this system so far and am ready to just format the hard drive and re-install XP before I venture off into my new machine….
* Time entry was written
Disturbed, Frustrated, Confuse-ed
Well, my day was mostly uneventful and I will get to that in a minute but I am having some trouble collecting my thoughts here…
*John rummages around his brain and tries his best to collect his thoughts*
OK, I think I found a writing concept for this journal entry that works — I should start at the beginning and go from there. The beginning is a good place to start, right?
I woke up this morning with a partial plan of action – I had to look into a job with a Dry Cleaner a few hundred feet from my house. I went there around lunchtime and I was basically told I needed to call someone to inquire about part time work with their company.
“Call” being the word that struck me out from that job.
So I am getting extremely frustrated right now with looking for a job – it seems like everything would either put me into a pointless job or would just brush me off because I am not a common member of society. I don’t hear great, I’m deaf, I’m not normal, I’m not right, I’m strange, move on soldier – move on.
I don’t even know if I should go into confused for sure…
Disturbed? Why am I disturbed? Well, lets just put it this way – the nation has turned blindly loyal to Herr Bush and his Bushshit regime, vowing that Dubya must be supported because “We are at war.”
Correction, my Fellow Americans, we are at “Police Action” seeing the United States Congress never issued a declaration of War on the sovereign nation of Iraq.
Iraq is supposed to have weapons of mass destruction and all these bad bad things and at the same time — the nation is being bombed to shit and they don’t use them to get the invaders? What’s the logic behind that? Maybe, just maybe, things were — GASP! — destroyed? Maybe, just maybe, this war is not — GASP! — justified? Maybe, just maybe, there’s a bigger threat in this world? Maybe, just maybe, there are problems in the US that won’t be solved with tax cuts? Maybe, just maybe, Dubya is evading them and riding this war straight to the polls?
I’m going to be sick now… :puke
Happy Valentines Day Sarah
Well it’s been a month since I left a entry into my journal in any way shape or form. I’ve avoided this for one reason or another and in fact my journal came back to haunt me again a few weeks ago so I don’t know for sure if I should continue saying anything in these things. Is it because I want to be secretive? No, it’s more along the lines I don’t want to confuse anyone or upset anyone like I can do in here.
That leads me to my writing today. Today is Valentines Day, a day of heart, a day of joy for those who have found love and a day of misery for those without it, or a day or longing past romance from those you may very well be in love with but haven’t experienced the romantic side from your other in a while.
I’ve admittedly been in love since August with someone I haven’t ever met in person… Someone that has meant a lot to me because she’s not only been there to listen to me, but because we’ve just clicked in a lot of ways and I feel like she makes me better when I am with her. A better human being, a better comedian, a more thoughtful person, etc…
I don’t know what the future will bring us – if things will last any longer than a week or things are long term in the grandest meanings of the word – and of course I’ve had my doubts before (and still do of course, who doesn’t at times) but I realize the reason I am doubting a lot of the time is because of my own past or my own insecurities and paranoia… Life just tends to throw you off course whenever you see something you want and you have to keep going towards it while you can until what you desire moves either clearly out of the picture or is in your grasp.
1-4-3, S.M.R :kiss :rose
OK, now that i have gotten matters of the heart out of the way, it’s time to tell everyone just what I have been up to the past month that has made me not want to come on here and rant and rave… Well, I got fired from Target for starters. Not fired from screwing up but pink slipped. Cut backs and what not. I’m not exactly medically sound right now but I know I can get through this like I get through everything else that has ever made me intimidated before in my life — because I’m just too damned good to let it go to my head (you don’t know how bad a pun that was just now).
I’ve been all over the web trying to find something to pass the time – be it talking on instant message programs to talking on Message boards. I single handedly turned around the Segway-open mailing list as I may or may not have already reported. Segway’s, by the way, start shipping on March 1st. You’ll be seeing more of those buzzing around you soon enough.
George Dubya “Warmonger” Bush is dead set on a war in Iraq…. This goes as no surprise to me because they’ve been planning this thing since Bush took office in 2001…. Yet the entire world is against the US efforts to start a war and that is causing a bit of a problem.
Of course there is also the fact that Osama Bin Laden has issued a couple of new Communication tapes — which is always foreshadowing to an attack. The US is on a heightened terror alert right now and rightly so.
Oh yeah, and before I close this Journal entry off, I think that I have avoided a subject matter that in itself is huge that should have gotten it’s own private entry in here over the past month (but I’ve been too lazy to get to it) —
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS! SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS, BABY!!!!!!!!! DEFENSE WINS IT ALL!!!!!!!
Gobble Gobble
Turkey Day….
Just what am I thankful for? Just what is there to be thankful for?
For starters, having readers like you actually viewing my web page. Hello, how are you? 🙂
I’m thankful for electronics and for the mesh of the electronic and the biologic that gives me a chance to hear again.
I’m thankful that George Dubya Bush hasn’t blown us all to hell yet – though I don’t think it will be much longer if the fool gets to remain in charge for a while.
I’m thankful for the internet….
For Sarah Marie….
For Target Corporation and giving a guy who can’t hear that well a chance to do a job on the sales floor.
Speaking of Target, I’m thankful I still have use of my legs, feet and arms after getting worn out pushing, shoving and lifting stuff and putting them on to shelves.
I’m thankful for Jon Gruden, for the Glazer family proving that they aren’t as incompetent as they are shrewd, for the Tampa Bay Buccaneer sand 9-2 as of this writing….
For the Tampa Bay Lightning proving me wrong and starting off very hot this season. I am very thankful for that.
For Lou Pinella Coming back to TB to coach the Devil Rays who play like Deviled Eggs.
For the Beatles and Sony Music not suing my ass, and for the fans who supported me while they threatened… I am most certainly thankful for this.
Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving everyone 😀
For the sake of posting 2
Hi Kids, I’m back around. For those of you expecting Jerry Lewis, I regret to inform you that he wouldn’t be caught dead with me 😛
So yes, I am making a full entry into this web journal no matter how little it means to people. Isn’t it grand to have John back? Don’t you wish he would just go the hell away again?
Yeah, I’m in such a CHEERFUL mood 🙄
As many of you know I have had a pair of crappy months in a row. For personal reasons and for web-related reasons and after my mini vacation (sic) I’m forced to face both foes once again — the social BS and the web related BS.
Now if only I had my writing kick coming back to me….
