Tag: worrying
Ignorance? Thine enemies name is communication
How often do you draw conclusions with someone when either you are out of the loop or just not in contact with them?
You know, obtusely, some things about them but you’re not living their lives… You’re not that up on their lives either. You just know them and you sorta count on them to keep you informed.
I can go back years and cite instances where I got upset nto knowing what the deal was and not being included. Not being kept in the know. The mind races to try to understand all the things that could have happened. Sometimes they are negative, sometimes they are impossible, sometimes they are better plot twists than ar eoffered by Hollywood screenwriters.
I had that happen to me just this weekend. You need only look over to one of my last posts to see me whining and pining. For three days I didn’t hear a thing until Tuesday when all wasn’t just right but good, great and fantastic with thanks to my “sweet” gift.
But how many stories did I think up from Friday on? How many excuses or reasosn for rejection did I have run through my mind?
All this just because of the silence… Just because I hadn’t talked… How often does that happen for the masses?
Scared to life
I haven’t written much about my health the last few years… Mostly because Stonegauge is syndicated on the ever-so-excellent Tampa Blab where some of my blog colleagues (who know me better from my endeavor at Boltsmag or my participation at Sticks of Fire) can get wind of this stuff and start fussing and worrying about me. So can my critics as well with anything personal I write about on here. I’ve had private stuff published on this domain before and had it come back to hurt me. But that’s what happens when you blog, ain’t it?
I’m getting away from the fact that I said I haven’t talked about my health much at all on here lately. For the uninitiated, I suffer from a rare genetic disease commonly referred to as NF2. It’s a nasty little gem of a disease that doesn’t get much attention (besides an odd mention on House M.D. every-so-often). It causes benign tumors to grow mostly on nerves in the body. One of said tumors were the reason I began to lose my hearing as a teen and was rendered deaf 10 years ago last December.
It also gives me the supernatural abilities like super-intelligence, telekenisis and empathy along with…
Wait a minute, that was a John Travolta movie. Never mind.
Seriously… The last time I really brought up (bitched, moaned, vented, etc) my health was the summer and fall of 2003 when I hit a couple of hard patches and was frustrated, scared and just flat out torn up (to put it lightly). Blogging things publicly helped me get my frustrations and worries out in the open… or at least out of my head for the moment until the next panic hit.
It’s 4 years later and I’ve got problems again. Problems in my head this time that get the doctors attention. Now, from the smart-ass perspective, you’d quickly quip “Yeah, anyone who (inserts a thought, political idea, interest, etc) would be classified as having problems in the head!” but it’s a little more serious than that. About 5 centimeters worth of serious. Between-my-ears, behind-my-eyes serious.
I’ve been operated on twice up there before. Both times I had the operations in question out west with one of the top doctors in the world. This time around, I’m sticking in Tampa Bay and trusting a doctor who’s been heralded to me as one of the best in the world. He’s got books and awards and all that jazz. He’ll have some of my old friends along with him to make sure my ABI doesn’t get fudged up and what not.
Still, there are risks and even if they aren’t substantial — what they are is a worst case scenarios. So I worry about that, even though it’s almost like thinking about worst-case stuff when you go out and do day to day things.
“The worst case scenario while driving to the Supermarket to pick up milk is that an out of control mack truck with a drunk at the wheel, plows into my car and explodes…. Oh, and I don’t die instantly on impact!”
Rosy, cheery stuff like that.
So part of my mind (ha — the cause of all my problems) keeps wanting me to be responsible and at least report this upcoming operation, make arrangements for the “just in case”, “worst case scenario” type things. Every other part of me wants the status quo to remain — though that status quo is a deteriorating personal conditions where the changes in my health are more or less subtle until I get to a tipping point and things really get messed up and my life hangs in the balance.
Rosy, cheery stuff like that.
I don’t want to face the idea of things — out of my control — go bad and yet with responsibilities to friends and loved ones, how can I not?
Maybe it's a sign
Lately I’ve been writing — that’s for another entry however — and en I finally went to bed at 20 til 2 I was pretty much spent and ready for sleep.
Well, that is until I notice the lightning in my window. I thought nothing of it and thought it was a distant storm, putting on a light show. After all, I had seen clear skies and distant storms that afternoon. Clear skies overhead.,..
Yet as the clock ticked to 2 AM the lightning became more frequent, more intense. I figured it would be a brief storm – they all are after all. .. And instead? I get to witness the most intense Lightning storm I have seen in my 15 years in Florida. Torrential rain? Sure… That went with the storm… Yet the amount of Lightning and thunder had me taken aback! There was a lightning strike EVERY FRIGGIN’ SECOND it seemed and if there was any time in between lightning flashes it was only a short interval of 2 to 3 seconds.
And it went on from just before 2 AM til past 3… It got so bad at one point I had sent Pager messages to my friends Bill, Keith and Michelle. It had woken Michelle up who answered the page I sent. She was up worrying about one of her cats that were still outside…
Mother nature is one raw bitch but she’s magnificent none the else.
Dean White Erickson's
This is one of those days where I’ve had a bunch of thoughts come to my mind and pass on into oblivion.
I did more reading of Stupid White Men today and it made me think to run for political office this time.
It wasn’t the fact that Michael Moore said bluntly that you should run for office, it was the fact he ran for political office at the age of 18 – and won. Most of his platform was by addressing the teenagers who were like him. He ran against five adults. That’s a way to assure election – not addressing the issues as-so-much the fact that you address who you are specifically aiming for. Of course candidates have done that for years but at the same time they have exploited those groups to no end.
I also tried my hand at writing my non fiction piece again… I have four different topics that I started
working on, the “worst” of these is a journal entry lifted from here that I was going to edit (ironically enough, it’s The Phantom Edit Part 2 entry) as a possible article to submit to Lou and Long Ridge.
Bill’s been able to get in touch with me from Orlando and I’m really excited for the guy now – well, not too excited seeing he’s sitting next to the receptionists mother at work while he has a liking for the receptionist. At any rate, he has his apartment mostly hooked up to basic services now, he’s going to start moving this weekend
(he’s been living with Helene and Jim so far this week). I can’t stress how happy I am for him because he’s needed this change of pace in his life for a While.
So I’m sitting here thinking of various things and various actions and various people and various topics and various various and realizing I am using various too often and should get a thesaurus 😛 Worrying about
various various as well but I don’t want to get into that shit on here.
