Tag: strange
View to a mood
I haven’t blogged in a while as I have been busy with other faccets of my life…Â From politics to just internet de3ign and maintenance, I’ve been a busy little bee.
But due to recent circumstances — the other shoe falling — I’m back for the moment and maybe longer.Â
I read John Densmore’s Riders on the Storm a few years ago and heard about this song in an ancedote where Jim Morrison showed him the lyrics to this song while in the Hollywood hills. It had presented a new vulnerability aspect to Morrison and Densmore thought he was maturing as a songwriter… it fits my mood of coming to grips but celebration of what you are…
I can't get there from here
My biological clock is tickin’ like this! (stomping feet) At this rate, I ain’t neva’ gettin’ married!” — Marisa Tomei (as Mona Lisa Vito) in My Cousin Vinny
A couple of months back, my friend Terra had asked me if guys start having the biological clock thing and start feeling antsy about things. This was inspired by her friend Marc who seemed to be getting that way in wanting to settle down (I forget the exact details of the conversation). I do remember telling her that generally I (as a guy) felt like it was time to grow up and some people also must get it.
I never expected a feeling of dread that I am missing out on more (love, family) until today.
I’m rather chronic with wanting to get involved and I know I bitch and whine elsewhere about my prospects.. Yet I’ve never felt like I would want, need or have a child. That’s probably still the overall realistic truth (I’m single, I am not dating, I am not sleeping around, nor am I the type to just sleep around)…
Yet last night, out of nowhere while my head was weaving it’s magic through the dreamscape — i had a child. I mean, I was the father of a little girl that appeared in the wandering farscapes and such of my subconscious. A little blond haired girl with glasses who thought I was going to be upset with her that she bought herself a toy instead of something else she needed. I re-assured her I wasn’t and put on a happy face. I also ended up — while trying to fix her glasses — breaking her spectacles by accident.
But what has nagged at me is my knowing the girl thought I was her father and I was her father.
I really need to get my mind off this subject and the entire subject of romance right now. Nothing good is going to come from a forced encounter with a stranger that I meet in this state-of-mind…
A little strange…
I laughed my ass off over this because I’m a sodding American who never saw Hugh Laurie performing comedy…
Losing a room mate
Many of you don’t know this but about 19 months ago or so I contact a guy who was using blogspot to post his items for his Tampa based blog, about me hosting his blog and upgrading things for him.
It’s been a long, strange trip but in the 14 months I’ve been officially hostingSticks of Fire, it’s gone from blogspot hotspot to dot-com phenom. I knew at the time I approached Tommy about upgrading things that he had something great going on… Little did I know how much it would grow.
Tommy Duncan is probably the Bay area’s most unheralded media star. He gets invites to speak in various capacities (round table discussions, conferences, TV spots) and pretty much has Tampa covered with himself and his cast of supporting writers.
And now, Tommy has taken the next step by getting into a business alliance with Tampa Gold. When that officially kicks off, Tommy will be departing from my server space at Dreamhost and going to the land of far-far-away… Or on shared hosting package with Tampa Gold, take your pick.
I haven’t seen profit from hosting Tommy’s site and I haven’t requested payment for doing so. I never stuck in some personal reference (“Hosted by Dreamhost” etc) or anything like that… It made me feel good to be doing this.
But to just make a long story short, I want to wish my buddy well with his new venture and I hope it takes him where I couldn’t take him — to his rightful place at the to of local pop culture and beyond.
Checked out
Sometimes, the happiest moments a person can have in his or her life is being physically admired by a passing stranger…
…It’s sad it doesn’t go anywhere, but the admiration is a definate pick-me-up.
Writing re-assurance
I haven’t tried this in a long time – the last story I published in part on this blog was never competed (“Peter’s Problem” just rambles on and on) and never got any opinions on pieces fo the story I DID publish.
At any rate, I told people about this story in an earlier entry… There is no title to it as it stands right now and it’s just a few hundred words… Let me know what you think if you think anything about it… Just click on more to view it.
The people and things….
I got nostalgic yesterday a bit not just because of where I was and who I was with, but also someoen I ended up talking to via email….
Eric Rosell, one of my best friends growing up – the kid aroudn the corner – got married in a small ceremony at a local church. It was the first time I had seen his parents in a few months, the first time I had seen his brother in a few years and the first time I had seen his sister in more years. It was amazing I was attending Eric’s wedding, surreal even. (sidenote – is it bad luck if a Catholic is married on teh day the Pope dies? I hope not)
I grew up playing or hanging out at Eric’s house. I was the one that was first notably enamoured with someone of the opposite sex… Or at least the first to make a big deal otu of love and romance and stuff like that. This, that and the other thing – I saw my childhood before me — even as it disappeared further.
The nostalgia didn’t end there as I heard from Danae – the girl who live ddownt eh block for a time who I was flipped out for. I had sent her an email wishing her a happy birthday — strange how sometimes you feel like it’s not yoru place to say soemthing like that and yet you have no problem with doing so with other people who are almost complete strangers. She got to breaking me the news her grandmother – who lives down the block – had passed away at Christmas (which I wasn’t aware of) and other things. I remembered being smitten with the saphire-eyed girl who lived at the corner… I thought of the memory of the past – and the awkwardness and malignance the relationship had in general.
But of all negatives in the past – they’ve been forgiven. If not forgotten by me.
(Untitled)
You know, last year I played the scorned and jaded lover… Last year I wrote about how I hurt and how I felt used and blah blah blah. I was worshipping Bitter Singles Day and writing a tome to them (which I will not link to tonight becuase I feel sick :p ).
It’s funny the difference a year can make….
This year I am kissing strangers and joking around, in good spirits. This year I am waiting eagerly for that special someone who is my left hand. This year I feel complete. This year I’m in love once again.
This year is a different world and I am glad I returned to it.
That being said, I still must send out regards to the lonely out there — there is hope and it will hit… Just make sure you keep your morals high and don’t bend for a moment. Don’t fool yourself iwth false emotion. It’ll be surprising when you find them… It is for me.
The 24 Hours of Saluki
A Hard Days Night of the last 24 hours, that’s a way to describe things that have gone on.
I like to stay obtuse in here at times and in this case it’s especially hard to do so because my partner-in-crime reads the blog on a regular basis. That beign said I’ll cut with the detials and get to the point….
Giving a dog to a good home is something special but knowing the dog is terrified — that’s bad. Knowing that she’s going to a loving, patient pair of owners — that’s good. Spending a day with someone you care for is fantastic. Then having to break the news to that person that the dog she saved, healed and had given a life to, had run away — that’s bad.
Wandering around downtown Clearwater chasing after a shy dog at 1 AM – that’s just strange. Albeit it ‘s also dangerous with the quality characters in the neighborhood. Knowing the animal is playing traffic (not literally, but had been close to traffic and almost hit) — that’s terrible.
Going on minimum sleep and returning to the scene of the crime at daybreak to try, try again — that’s devotion.
And to see this animal re-united with her family after being rescued / captured by a good samaritian — That’s heartwarming. Left wanting more, — that’s life.
Thanksgiving
It’s occured to me a lot the last few days that it’s been almost exactly a year since I went under the knife… The difference a year makes is immense in so many ways and yet the more things have improved, the more they stay the same with various faccets of my life.
Today we had somewhere around 20 people over for dinner… well, 20 people would be a few too many but it fluctuated in the teens all afternoon. Uncle’s, my aunt, my cousin and her daughter, my younger brother (while Mike skipped out on things) and other family friends. It was a great get-together for the most part and I had a lot of fun with things.
I brought up what I am thankful for (“That I’m not lying in a hospital bed this year.” ) to a round of applause and through the liquor and the laughter I easily forgot where I was a year ago today or what I suffered through at the time (no, not surgery — watching George W. Bush and his faux visit to Iraq).
But someone had to ruin the day for me.
It wasn’t family – though their reaction did indeed bother me. It wasn’t friends of the family – though I notably started acting strange when some people showed up. No, it was the fact certain people turned up with both their kids in tote that I had problems with. I mean MAJOR problems. It basically ruined the evening for me….
The family pretty much embraced them and that made me further angry — as someone who has opened his arms after being stepped on and then gotten stepped on again, I couldn’t stand to watch this train wreck in action.
Speaking of train wrecks, I was happy to see Kylie was walking. Kylie being my cousin Amber’s daughter. I had gotten very upset during her first birthday party when I saw not only was she not walking but she looked like she wasn’t nearly ready for it. I’m glad I’ve been proved wrong on that one.
So… To summarize — a year later I am in good spiriits. I’m not wasting away in a hospital bed with only a friend at my side and a Subway sandwitch to eat. I’m happy I am spending time with my family and out and about… I’m thankful that I’m not having nightmares of someone’s blog or having Christmas Cards thrown out…
I’m thankful….
Talk
I usually start off my posts with titles — sometimes they come to me immediately and set the tone for posts, sometimes they are terrible titles for posts because they have nothing to do with them, and other times they are dead on. Right now I have no title at all in mind or every title I think of contradicts what I was going to talk about.
I was going over the site web logs – just sometime I do from time to time to see who is linked to Der Stonegauge or other sites I am in control of. I’ve been catching a lot of people who’ve been siphoning graphics lately, for example. I also check those logs for search phrases that are used on the Internet that leads people to this site. Sometimes they are strange terms, sometimes they are relevant because I have posts using those titles, sometimes they are explicitly (because I use 4 letter words in posts and other posts just happen to have the matching second keyword that some pervert typed into a Search Engine) and then some terms come out of the blue.
Here’s the one that made me do a double take:
he doesn’t want to talk to me
It got me thinking… It got me wondering…. Of course, I have no phrase use on the site that even comes close to that, and of course I have no clue who went on the Internet, typed that key-phrase on a certain Search Engine and got this site as a result, but it just jarred me a bit.
So I’ll humor myself here by just typing out why it may seem like “he doesn’t want to talk to me” to this person… And what the truth may be on why “he” seems the way he is.
Read More
Keithed Short
Ah the wonderful world of Johnny. Details, details, details of Keith’s visit to suburban hell… er, Tampa Bay.
So I was f’n stoked on a Saturday Night when the Lightning tied the Stanley Cup finals. Keith, of course, is in disbelief. He had expected to be attending one of the upteenth city parites that would be going on if–no, WHEN the Flames had won.
But it didn’t happen that way.
So what happens when Keith gets home from Saddledome? He’s got to book hsi flight to Tampa. He had tickets lined up since the Flames / Lightning NHL Finals had been set. Game 7 tickets in fact. The series hadn’t been as good as we both had hoped but – gods – this was a game seven! You can’t scalp tickets for an event like this for less than 500 bucks… We got them through Ticketmaster before the game was even scheduled – so we’re in luck.
Sunday night, Keith was due to start flying to Tampa — going to Vegas first and then getting a connector flight / red eye to Tampa. Only problem was his flight was 2 hours late to begin with, which thus made him miss his connecting red-eye flight to Tampa.
Back in the Bay area I am going nuts Sunday night trying to figure out WTF has happened to Keith. He’s stranded, or is he moving? Flyte Comm basically confirmed where Keith was — just leaving Alberta – about the time I was ready to call it a night.
I decided to indeed call it a night, wondering what the hell was going to happen and how Keith woudl be when he finally got here – if he got here…?
I wake up bright and early Monday morning and have a sense of urgency running over me. Not just urgency but anxiousness. Within a couple of hours the Lightning would be playing for a world title and I would be in attendance.
Maybe.
My first thought is – where Keith? His connector fflight took off on time (fuck America West) and that meant he indeed missed his connector flight. I fought on the phone for a good hour trying to find out what happened to him and I find out (through America West customer service) that he’s “Taken another route and going to another city. He’s all right.”
Well, whoop-de-shit. He’s OK. Now where is he? “Sorry, can’t say… but he’s all right.” :rolleyes
I call his cell phone (which I am still told is a wrong number by parties that call back later — but it’s the same number that America West has in their system and same number I have from Keith directly) but I still tell him on his message service to give me a ring to let me knwo what happened and where he is…
I find out a little while later it’s Orlando, and he’s still on his way here.
Read More
Dining experience
Can someone tell me what the rule is when it comes to going to a restaurant and acting like a total asshole? Or totally snobbish?
It seems the last two times I went to a finer restaurant — not a fine restaurant where there is a proper dress code, but nicer, finer restaurant where sandals and tank tops still find there way into the building — I’ve been told to act like a pompous prick and seen family do just that when things go weird. My mom especailly…
Maybe a year ago I went to a restaurant in downtown Dunedin with family. Nice place, nice atmosphere, forgot the name of it though so you’ll have to forgive me. While dining I dropped my fork and family insisted that I not pick up the fork…. Well, not much family, just my mom. When other things happened, I was told that the waitress will handle it. It drove me insane to be waited on over mundane things. This wasn’t like “Let the waiter put a napkin on your lap” type stuff. This was just normal “I’m not a lazy slob” type stuff.
Skipping over that event and finer details of the event — we jump to last night and my dining experience at Sam Seltzers Steakhouse in Clearwater. Not fine dining but it was a hell of a nice place to go to and a hell of a long wait to have. We must have waited an hour and a half for seats (which I’ve always told my parents “Get reservations to that place if you insist on trying to eat there sometime”) and in some ways it was worth it because it was just a nice place to go to…
But then my mother’s pomposity came into it.
Maybe she’s getting eccentric in her age or maybe I’m just too damned sensitive to others. A waiter was trying to handle some dishes — i didn’t pay attention to the fact if they were dirty or clean plates he was handling. What happened was, he tried putting them on an assistance tray/table next to one booth and slipped — he had the plates come crashing down. And my mom clapped and applauded him.
She applauded him with the attitude of a pure-spirited “I don’t give a fuck” woman who was stuffing her face and trying to have a good time at others expense.
Rage bubbled up from within me in embarrassment. I wanted to get up and actually help the guy with the mess but the gimp known as Me can’t quite handle that. I fumed and started telling my mom exactly what I felt. “I can’t believe you did that! Lift your nose up a little higher, mom, lift it up a little higher for everyone to see you’re the most pompous person in the building.”
Yes, that was disrespectful… And who knows, maybe I was over-reacting…. But then again? I’ve been the guy who has to face a crowd after an embarrassing episode and I do NOT want other people to experience the humility of it all — especially when one prick goes off and tries to make me feel worse than I already do. Maybe the waiter didn’t care? Maybe he’d been through this a thousand times already? In any case, wrong is wrong and acting like a asshole in a restaurant is a no-no. You’re supposed to do unto others a you want done unto you right? So why do you start exploiting a persons goof / mistake in embarrassing circumstances instead of trying to help the situation?
If I was at my friends house and that happened — where my friend is the one dealing with dishes and what not, or someone who knows who I am and what I stand for is handling the dishes — I’d possibly do what my mom did and start exploiting it because it’s in jest, it’s good fun and people around me know I don’t mean any harm by it. I’d tell the person (if it wasn’t a person totally familiar with me) that I was just kidding around and teasing and try to help them out after… That’s the type of person I am after all.
I’m not going to act like a dick, however, in the company of strangers and make one person feel like complete shit…. That’s just plain wrong.
Something strange is afoot here…
Just when did i get on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Season Ticket waiting list???
I got an email from the team that addressed me as a Season Ticket Waiting list member. I don’t recall ever adding my name to the season ticket waiting list. Hell, I don’t even have the money to get a season ticket – let alone would I enjoy being at Buc games (sorry boys but Football is better, for me at least, on Television).
Stranger in a strange land
So the Lightning have one last game this season, and that last game is the true title game as the Stanley Cup Champion will be crowned after this game.
And Keith is heading down here tonight and will be arriving early tomorrow morning in Tampa to catch the game and stay a couple of day sin Tampa Bay.
It”s odd enough for me to deal with the fact the Lightning are playing for the Stanley Cup, it’s been a wild last couple of days and last couple of weeks as I have had several things change around me — which I never blogged in here .
But now I have to play International Host which I have never done before. Hell, i have never traveled by myself and can’t fathom how Keith is doing it – flying from Calgary to Tampa… I feel some insecurities because I’m still a gimp for the most part and he wants to take in some events here in Tampa and o course i want to show him around too… And doing that by car isn’t exactly how I planned it.
ON one hand, I wan tot meet him and show him the beauty of Florida before the Bolts kick the shit out of the Flames (and after :tongue) :biggrin, and on the other hand – now I know the feeling that others might feel when they are told someone is going to be visiting their neck of the woods to almost specifically meet.
But then again – it’s immaturity to look for a escape route – which I’ve seen in the past. Which I’ve participated in, in the past.
Repeat Offender
Odd I post this twice in a year.
This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend
The end –
Of our elaborate plans
The end –
Of everything that stands
The end –
No safety nor surprise
The end –
I’ll never look into your eyes again
Can you picture what will be,
So limitless and free?
Desperately in need
Of some stranger’s hand
In a desperate land?
—
This is the end my beautiful friend
This is the end my only friend
It hurts so much to set you free
But you’ll never follow me
The end –
Of laughter and soft lies
The end –
Of nights we tried to die
This is the End
— Taken from The End by James Douglas Morrison
© 1967 The Doors Music Company
Still appropriate a year later. The fact I’m not playing the crutch again signifies the relevance.
"Do you want to play a Game?"
Long time since I played along with “Unconscious Mutterings” —
- Virginia:: Wolfe
- Soft:: Core
- Carol:: Hall
- Vanity:: Fair
- Feminist:: Hypocrisy
- Alias:: Gonzo (I have no clue where that comes from)
- Coward:: Bush
- Beer:: Stein
- Chance:: Gamble
- Honest:: eluding
Some strange words that I put together. Anyone want to post some of your own?
Can it be…?
Stranger things have happened but after a couple of years of silence I think I just heard from someone I knew on here….
Rented Movie Reviews
So on this post bitter-singles day, I have for you a pair of films I have seen in the past 24 hours:
The Sum Of All Fears: Ben Affleck takes over the role of Jack Ryan from Harrison Ford with this prequel/sequel to the Jack Ryan movies. Personally I never cared for Ford in the role of Ryan, and The Hunt for Red October happens to be my favorite Clancy film (even with it’s cheesey special effects and it’s terrible mock ups of submarines). At any rate, this film moves a young version of Jack Ryan — CIA analyst — into the 21st century which sorta makes things weird. The Hunt for Red October was supposed to have happened around 1985… The other films in the series (Patriot Games and Clear and Present Danger – two titles, by the way, that George W. Bush has no comprehension of the meanings) I have no clue when they were supposed to have happened but they starred the elder Harrison Ford after Alec Baldwin launched the Jack Ryan series with Hunt
ok, enough of the explaining… what did I think of the film?
Well, not being someone who has read the book, I enjoyed Sum even though the plot was confusing at times. The film is basically a nuclear standoff between the US and Russia as Neo-Nazi terrorists attempt to start war between the two nations. I actually liked Ben Affleck playing Jack Ryan – a mix of every-man instead of super-hero from what Harrison Ford brought to the role. When one watched the original Jack Ryan film, Red October, you saw Jack didn’t want to be there when sent to do something because he was expendable (“Next time, Jack, just write a god damned memo.” ) An all star cast of James Cromwell, Morgan Freeman, Liev Schreiber and Bridget Moynahan — meow! — round out this film. Worth a viewing – even if it drags at points.
Intolerable Cruelty: You know, i didn’t have my hearing device on when I watched this film and I have a strange thing happen every time I watch a George Clooney film — I think of him as speaking in a southern drawl, much like he di din his role in O, Brother, Where art thou? . I guess it’s just his mannerisms — I just can’t believe he would straight talk through this role of Miles Massey when Miles Massey seems totally obsessed with his teeth and white smile.
The film premise is simple — it’s about divorce and Miles Massey is the best divorce lawyer around. Cathrine Zeta-Jones (meow!) is a man eater, looking to get hitched, get divorced and make a ton of money off it. Of course, these two collide and that’s the basis for the entire film. Sure we get lessons on love and such, with a few laughs in between… but I can’t help wondering how gay Miles Massey’s assistant, Wrigley, happens to be?
You have to wonder if someone writing a review, bringing that question up, actually enjoyed the movie? I did, I honestly did… but there was a little comfortableness about the movie. I usually get this with Coen Brother movies but it doesn’t mean there is anything bad with the film. This is worth a viewing and I won’t spoil it with any more talk. :grin
Anyway, I hope to publish my list of movies rented in the past year an a general thumbs up/thumbs down next to each movie. We’ll see what happens…
Search Engine Fun
The Stonegauge has about 300 entries since I switched to Movable Type (this includes entries from my old journal that I switched to the MT Journal) which is pretty cool. in that time I’ve used a lot of different phrases and different word combinations in every one of those journal entries…
Which leads to the Search Engines….
Using any one of the popular search engines (I can’t pick out which ones in particular give which search results), some of the past entries on The Stonegauge will come up under strange phrases. Here are some of the example phrases, linked to the articles that inspired the search engines to believe that these posts were relevant tot he search phrase:
antonio bandaras free nude pictures
OK, these aren’t the meatiest / juiciest phrases that have come up when I view my web site logs — but these are just in the last few days….
Falling off the Internet
Is it just me or is conversation dead on the Internet?
I am trying to find people to chat with and unfortunately it doesn’t seem like Trillian is fostering much hope. I am not getting people from Yahoo or AOL IM or any other program dropping me lines like they used to.
Of course, they probably all have lives or I seem a little too intense for anyone to have a discussion with… but at the same time, it’s depressing just not having some stranger at least attempt a conversation that goes nowhere.
stranger: Hey, A/S/
Me: Um, 24/M/Florida
Stranger: Cool
Me: Uh thanks….
Me: You going to say anything else?
Me: This thing on?
:tongue
Why John?
Aren’t I the coolest? John told me I could post on his journal today, yippee. :woot So John and I have been sending a couple air messages here and there today, just to check up on each other, since he has decided to take some time off from the web. :wink
My gooddness, such bad manners I have, I forgot to introduce myself. I am thee Melanie, John has mentioned in his blogs here and there. My Blog Any way I am from Nebraska, very far away from John. No sunny beaches for me. :sad Though the humidity is just as bad, or at least close. So the weather here sucks, no biggie. On with me, I am a college graduate, though I don’t think I learned anything useful, or at least that’s my opinion. I am happily engaged to a very strange man. j/k Well at least sometimes he is. I work full time and have a seasonal job, I am a busy girl. From the looks of things maybe not busy enough. So I think that is enough about me now.
It’s my turn to talk about John. :evil I am going to be a bit blunt here. I have known John for about 5 years or so. Seeing him broken down on the inside just makes me sad and angry. First off he has to go through all this surgery and what not. This sucks since he might be in a wheel chair and his parents are being stupid about the whole thing. And then his heart is being torn apart and that really pisses me off since the situation was handled very badly. So in turn John got left with the bad end of the deal, with no resolution. He has been treated badly and doens’t deserve it. He deserves resolution and not the runaround. So any way John is a great person and though we have never met I sincerely care for him.
Good luck John with the surgery and all. *HUGS*
I've been here before?
I went to Target the other day – first time in months… I rolled around the store and was taken aback by it all – major case of Deja Vu. Why? Everything was set up just like last year when I was working at the store. Hell, some of the same products were being offered for the holiday season (I didn’t go through them all).
I couldn’t find many of the people I used to work with to talk to — that’s probably a good thing because it was strange with me being there in a wheelchair.
It’s not difficult to operate but you draw glances from everyone, it seems, or at least the kids…. I like getting around a store with it because the store floor is level and thus I can move about pretty freely…. It’s a lot better than my house where there is too much crap thrown about to make moving from room to room difficult.
Back to the store – it was nice to touch the past again… I had a good time working there and it’s my favorite retail place to wander to (or had been) when thing swere going ok.
*Sigh* Touching the past while in the present. If only, if only……
…as a child
There was a lot in this dream and a lot I can’t remember now. Most of the images don’t stand out in my head any more but I know when I dreamed there was a plot and a point to things. Everything made sense at the time, as dreams normally do, and even though random strange events came into being – things turned out OK.
I remember Pepsi. Having a glass while talking with my mom… I remember getting the mail with my mailbox in the back yard, and there being a ton of mail to bring in. I remember the family cars being different and having some strange abilities to them. Well, not strange abilities to them, but the trunks were different. They were funky and 4-doors themselves.
It was my neighbor from across the street who stands out in the dream — who it turned out to be and what was going on. It was a special day for her and for some reason there were two of them in that house: one was a newborn infant that was being tended to by her mother while the other that I dealt with was a kid… a little kid that claimed she was 12 but was obviously a lot younger than that. She talked but barely listened. Preached but couldn’t comprehend when told something.
I can’t remember much more to the dream… what else happened before me waking up…. But it was a very vivid dream at the time. Feelings evoked and images shown and the like….
So anyway, I’ve got therapy in a little while… My left leg has been really weak lately while my right is very strong. Strange It’s a role reversal. It was vice versa in the hospital and in the last few weeks.
One last note — Mike gave me Reloaded last night and i have to agree with Merovingian: The French language is like wiping your ass with silk… it just flows and caresses…
When you're strange
People Are Strange
(by J.D. Morrison)
People are strange when you’re a stranger
Faces look ugly when you’re alone
Women seem wicked when you’re unwanted
Streets are uneven when you’re down
When you’re strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you’re strange
No one remembers your name
When you’re strange
When you’re strange
When you’re strange
Night note
I was right… :rolleyes
Anyway, my day was bah humbug for the most part. Not that I was sour towards my birthday or things happening but nothing much happened. I DID however have a kick ass workout and surprised my trainer with my strength. That made me feel good for the entire day.
I also had a couple fo dreams last night that I am still trying to understand. I can’t remember all of them but I know I won a writing contest… no, correction… I came in second place (as “stonegauge” — not as my real name) and had money coming to me. I then had a bunch of stuff happen and I snuck off — grabbed a gun from someone and went to deal with Mexican revolutionaries inside a cave who were shooting a movie? Strange… I killed Pancho Villa and a couple of other guys… They thought the gun had blanks… sucks to be them huh….
Now if only that made more sense to me.
As of right now, 2 percent of the precincts in California are reporting and CNN and the media is declaring winners. This really pisses me off because they screwed up like this in 2000. Why declare it so early??
Well, I can’t say much more… Actually I could but it’s not my time to talk.
Mi Dia
Bill Erickson’s niece, Emma Christine (don’t know her last name) was born around 1 PM EDT this afternoon. I don’t know all the stats but I will post them when I have them.
An hour later, my neighbor since I moved into my current residence, Mila, passed away at 83… She’s been through some real hardships the last 14 years and plenty more before we ever moved in. It will be strange living in a world without her
I’ve just found out my Aunt will be on MSNBC on December 4th… Certainly something I would like others to see but as far as I know, things will fall apart worse before then…
This goes without saying a lot about me – as I would think that most of my journal entries have lately — they’ve made brief mentions about things going on on the Internet or perchance other opinions I have but not really talked about me. It’s assumed that I am doing fine if anyone at all is wondering how I am doing. Certainly my writing is a little more to-the-point yet short and meaningless if you really think about it. There have been a few cases where my posts have had a meaning and those who needed to know the meaning got it, unfortunately it just continued to put things in a bad light because I let emotions get to me by posting that in the first place…
At any rate, what is new with me? Besides writing, there isn’t much. I saw Doc Smith this morning and had a wheel chair prescribed to me. I’ve also had my mother bullshit me with regards to moving downstairs — into the windowless living room of the house and having an “apartment” int eh home. Why are we talking this? Because I need another operation and scheduling it is only being put off by my worries of life without legs/being wheelchair bound until further notice.
I started talking about moving out — It’d be simpler than the bullshit idea of converting a dark room into a bedroom apartment.
Personally I am right back where I was in… say, April and May 2002 when it comes to dealing with people I meet on line — they all turn out to be shallow. You might make someone laugh but they will ditch you if they see a picture they don’t like.
*sigh* Memories from the corner of my mind – when that stuff didn’t matter with a few people I met on here..
Emma Christine’s birthday present looks more and more like a Buccaneer win… Reminding me of something that happened 24 years ago tomorrow with the Giants beating the 5-0 Bucs (my father is a Giants fan). Wonder what tomorrow has in store for me if anything? Besides a Total Recall….
Eh?
You are Trinity, from “The Matrix.”
Strong, beautiful- you epitomize the ultimate
heroine.
What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Well, that’s nice… I’m a heroine. Strange that several of my stories for class have been with women as the lead character as well…
Well, I woudl think that Trinity embodies / personifies the sun sign of Libra – so it’s all good…
It's in the lyrics
I’m not down… just these lyrics do mean a lot to me and it’s strange how they mirror my life now…
Help! (Lennon/McCartney)
Help! I need somebody,
Help! Not just anybody,
Help! You know I need someone.
Help….!
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody’s help in any way
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured,
Now I find I’ve changed my mind I’ve opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won’t you please, please help me?
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before
Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won’t you please, please help me?
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody’s help in any way
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured,
Now I find I’ve changed my mind I’ve opened up the doors
Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won’t you please, please help me?!
Help me! Help me, oh.
Humility
This entry has a dual purpose because there’s an anecdote from the hospital that I’ve failed to report in here and there was something that happened today (that I already bitched to someone about) that just really made me feel like less than I do already.
Lets go back to the Hospital and my immediate recovery in there. I told this story to someone already but I just like it because it’s so strange and at the same time so demeaning.
I got out of post-op and started on my way back to normalcy feeling pretty good despite a little pain from the operation. I was generally in good spirits. Was waiting to hear from a few people on my pager and wanted to take my time before I found out who was going to contact me and stuff. The hospital chaplain came into my room and gave me a blessing, even though I am a very very rotten Catholic. Actually made me feel good, if still awkward with religion.
It may have been a day later when I had two older people — middle age — come into my room and start talking to me. I told them flat out that I couldn’t understand and they were very understanding about it and did what they could to accommodate me. They were Catholic reps and wanted to give me communion and stuff like that. I explained to them my discomfort with religion and instead of trying to lecture me, I got a very understanding response from both of them and told that God loves me anyway. I was offered some literature (religious pamphlets, I assume — if not the bible) and accepted, though I never got those papers from these two. It was another pleasant experience that left me a little more at ease with religion and all that, if still awkward.
Unfortunately that didn’t remain the case. Someone had to screw things up and it happened the day of my discharge where I was made to feel like an it — not a person, just a thing. Some heathen, a poor and tortured soul with no heart or mind.
Some woman came into the room — big teeth, hair down to her chin, and started speaking to me. My mom was in the room at the time and we both tried to explain that I couldn’t hear well so I didn’t know what the woman was saying. Instead of her making any attempt to communicate with me — she just nodded and smiled and started speaking… Saying over and over again (as I found out later) that God Loves me. She didn’t look at me as she spoke these words, and she wasn’t looking to the heavens when she was either. She looked at my hat. She acted like I wasn’t there. She basically made me feel like nothing in her blessings. She single handedly – through her good intentions — endorsed the caricature of religion that I have over the years grown to have.
A week of work, shattered for the Lord. Thank you, ma’am. My mom gasped and laughed at the ridiculous after it happened. All I could do was join her — it was just too outrageous.
What does this accomplish if someone goes out and tries to do something for someone but makes them humiliated in the process? What does it accomplish for either side? You think it leaves you in good standing or makes you feel good in your heart to know you did something while not knowing how terrible you made the other party involved feel? That’s something that has bothered me before when I have gotten less than stellar reactions to gifts or niceties from me – I didn’t want to do something that made someone feel bad (though I may very well have accomplished it without trying to).
Why am I ranting about this?
Well, I had another lesson in humility to night — feeling humiliated — as my darling older brother continued to make me feel less than I already do during my recuperation. I won’t go into details because I’m just not in the mood but I don’t need a mocking head nod from the asshole, nor do I need criticism for making attempts at things to achieve some normalcy in my life, or scornful remarks for trying to go down the stairs and having an accident in the attempt (leg “giving out” under me before I got off the top step). I want to get better, I’d like to get better with help, but god damnit — I don’t need this shit in order to do that. I know this is tough for my family and I have apologized a few times to my parents because of it… Mike, on the other hand, is going past the “Older brother” stage and making me feel like I’m just some inept, incompetent little shit that hinders everything in the household and makes life a living hell for those who live here.
I don’t know folks — I’ll fight on but it doesn’t get any easier when people make you feel less than you are. I already have enough shit that I am up against, I could use support and understanding. I could use an attempt by others to make a connection so I don’t feel like just another member of one’s quota. I could use some understanding and less abrasiveness and arrogance and scornfulness in order to get through this. It’s tough for everybody, but remember it’s toughest for me first (as selfish as that sounds) — I don’t just have to live with these difficulties, I have to live with the knowledge I am passing on all this pain to my loved ones and firends…. It’s not a burden I would want anyone to carry.
Famous last words
A stoned out, paranoid Russell Hammond preaches to writer William Miller from the top of a house… “And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were… I’m on drugs!!!!” The party crowd at said house roars in wild response.
William says, “Russell! I think we should work on those last words!”
“I got it, I got it. Last words… Last words… Ok…. I dig music…? ” (ganders at the audience who nod in disappointed acceptance)
…..
“I’m on drugs!!!! ” — the crowd explodes in a drunken, drugged out euphoria and Russell Hammond, lead singer of Stillwater, plunges to a watery grave (OK, he just sunk to the bottom of the pool)…
Something tells me this entry is a far less dramatic departure from the scene… And I don’t think this is a said “departure,” much like a didn’t think the music was over or the book finished in other instances of my life, and that has proved true in one fashion or another. It’s just putting off for a while and then resuming the music with a different beat, a different subject in the next chapter of the novel…
So, with that in mind and the fact I am being JUST a little too strange in my departing words, I turn the reigns over for the meantime to someone that i have both lauded, melted over and maligned in this journal in one way or another before — Sarah.
I’ve been told I’ll be back in 3 days time, well — three days after surgery. Saturday or Sunday. Sarah’s going to try to hold the fort down but then again, this is her first foray into blogging from what i know… Likely she will show herself to be a damn sight better than I am in my whiny, ranty form… And more ENTERTAINING to boot, perchance?
Take care folks, see you when the next endeavor presents itself…
Powerless
Well, day one of being home alone goes by without incident. Well, sorta.
New York and the Northeast, as many of you already know, has gone into the dark. Of course it’s brighter in NYC than it is in Tampa Florida as it stands at this moment as I gander back over my shoulder to watch TV. I am amazed at the City that Never Sleeps and how they are dealing with this. The city and the tri-state area as well as most lf the Northeast have been through this before and aren’t entirely alienated by the notion of the city without power. Hearing about the blackout didn’t shake me so much because I knew NYC and the northeast weren’t strangers to this. What did shake me were the images of those in Manhattan flocking out of the city across the bridges and mingling on the streets.
Horrors of 9-11 came back to my mind.. yet there was something that brought peace to my mind this time – something that made me happy enough and proud enough to write this entry up: the citizens, though inconvenienced, are all smiles and going through what they have. You know, I’ve grown to resent the statement that New York is the greatest city int he world (mostly because of those Damned Yankees) but it’s situations like this that just proves it — that Manhattan Island and those int he 4 boroughs adjacent to it are residents of the greatest city in the world. When faced with adversity, New Yorkers overcome. Too bad the rest of the Nation hasn’t taken lessons in this.
Dejà-VooDoo than I Do
DejÃ-Vu.
Very, very dejÃ-vu…
See, about a year ago I had some things happening to me that made life a big worry… A worry much bigger than your day to day but not so incomprehensible that you would think I’m an alien or something like that (though the Men In Black would argue that)… It’s just something that hung over me much like a new job, moving, or some other great unknown worry would have this feeling of heaviness over you. There’s anxiousness and anxiety to go along with it and a question of just where this will take you.
That was a year ago and I’m repeating it this year.
Yep, John’s got a scheduled date for surgery now – Wednesday, August 20th at Tampa General Hospital. Pre-op on Monday the 18th. I’m thinking of other odd things going on — Bill’s sister is due to have her 2nd kid about that time and — it’s SO STRANGE because that is what happened last year while I was in the hospital.
Very strange, very deja-vu.
Of course this year I won’t be writing to anyone on the pager, telling them soemthing I should have told them the night before I had the operation…
…Nor do I think I’m going to be out of the hospital in 3 days. Hell, I don’t even know if I will be back to walking anytime soon after surgery. I’ve talked about my legs being weak as is right now – I got to imagine if everything goes fine I’m still going to have weak legs and on top of it I might have to “learn” how to use them again.
I don’t know if I will need rehab or what… I don’t know if I should be looking intot he ibot or the Segway because of future lack of mobility… (then again, I want to look into the Segway no matter what so that whole point is moot).
At any rate, after a night off from the computer, I’m writing again with another story… Maybe assignment 4, I didn’t look at the assignment as much yet but I’m writing with constraints just because. Sort of good story but I think it’s been done before…
Also, Melanie will be glad to hear that John got disc 5 of 24 season 1 in the mail. I may very well have that watched by the end of the day… God I love that fucking show
Ambling Verse
I could continue to rant about my health situation or my current writing assignment but instead I wanted to bring up some old writing for the sake of just filling this entry up with something besides the same-old stuff. One thing about “Staying drunk on writing” as Bradbury didn’t say, is that sometime — you need to refill your bottle in order to get drunk again and it’s a hard thing to do.
I Want to Write Your Song
I want to write your song
Dabbling through the sounds and things
Using guitars, snare drums and strings
WIth a joyous tune that makes everyone sing…
I want to write your song
One that mirrors your personality
One that touches your fantasies
One that’s as captive as your beauty
I want to write your song
Yet the words keep coming out wrong
Why can’t I see
Your delicacy
Is a tune that can’t be put into words?
© 2003 John P Fontana
The Horizon…
The horizon
An unobstructed view of the West
Where the fading light shows it’s wide spectrum of brilliance
Dimmed on the palette of mother night
The horizon –
Where will tomorrow lead?
Will encounters in the West will leave another impression
On this stranger?
And as we dance towards the farscape in our
Winged Chariot
I can only hope I can find peace within the fleeing light
And inspiration through my solitude.
© 2000 John P. Fontana
Doctor, Doctor
I’m not feeling great again
today, and I’m blaming it partly on the antihistamine I took last night to deal
with sinus pressure. I want to know WTF is wrong with me… And what would be
easier, putting
me out of my misery or giving me a cure?
Speaking of doctors, and
I really feel weird about the cure-or-kill comment because someone who worked
to cure was killed. It happens more often than people will acknowledge or can
acknowledge and it’s strange that I’m making a big deal about this… There
is a doctor who I have never met – or if I met him it was seven years ago…
His name was Dr. Cahill.
Why am I bringing him up?
Well, my leg gave out in June as my constant readers on this site will know…
We called my doctor’s office about it to report what was going on and they said
that if things get worse – go to the ER because Doctor Cahill was attending
that given night. And there’s more to it than that simple coincidence, I’ve
known him by name for years because he shares office space with Doctor Smith.
I probably have passed him in the hall after an appointment or something like
that.. I was just really surprised this happened. Also the fact that I’m going
to be there on Monday is going to be super strange. I don’t know if Doctor Smith
is going to have to carry a bigger load (taking his appointments) or what the
deal will be, I’m curious about that.
Oh, by the way, I actually
did get some of my non-fiction assignment done after my bellyaching in yesterday’s
journal entry. It’s still not complete or how I’d like it but it came out a
little better after I got into my gear writing by typing out that journal entry.
Ironic, ain’t it?
Stumblin' on a Neon Grove
I’m really struggling right now personally. The soul-sickness is just progressively getting worse instead of getting better. I had felt better a few weeks ago after I had identified the problem and I had other people come back into my life in minor ways here and there and things seemed to be getting back to normal.
Then others reared there head without thinking I needed time and distance from them and the whole deck of cards came crumbling down because of it. My last entry closes out by saying exactly why the deck of cards fell. Time heals wounds and I wasn’t afforded time, so to speak.
And now nothing feels right in the world again. Nothing at all. People don’t get back to me, people don’t want to open up. The entire world has gone conservative besides those who can afford to open their heart – those who never truly left my life and are comfortable with me being a part of it because they have security around them and they want me secure too.
So I wake up in the morning right now and I don’t see a reason to get out of bed — maybe my set routine of reading the newspaper or taking a shower ends up doing it — but I struggle from that point on. I’ve reached out to friends, strangers and others in the past few weeks but I still feel hollow inside, a hole in my soul if you will. I keep expecting something to come up and distract me from all of this – something I can invest myself in that doesn’t require me to dwell on my thoughts as my writing does, and that investment of time and thought cure me of what ills me… Yet that does not happened. Target talked about wanting me back when they fired me but they have not acted like it, my limbs are too weak right now for me to do work anyway (and that is an entirely different story).
I feel like I ought to close up shop — no one in or out of my life unless they are attempting to reach me, not me pouring out my heart and soul to others like I have done. I spent hours last night trying to get into someone’s head and help them out but… It just bummed me out at the same time. I brought this person up in an entry called Seeing Past Yourself last month… And unfortunately no one seems to be able to do that – see past your own personal wants and own personal logic and look from someone else’s shoes and try to understand them and try to comfort them.
I don’t hold out hope for the human race as it stands right now – i always had such a longing desire to see Man overcome it’s weaknesses and selfishness and thrive to better everyone on the planet… Instead, we want to be paid, fed and fucked… And that just continues the stumbling of my head and heart on the neon groves.
*Sigh*
This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend
The end –
Of our elaborate plans
The end –
Of everything that stands
The end –
No safety nor surprise
The end –
I’ll never look into your eyes again
Can you picture what will be,
So limitless and free?
Desperately in need
Of some stranger’s hand
In a desperate land?
—
This is the end my beautiful friend
This is the end my only friend
It hurts so much to set you free
But you’ll never follow me
The end –
Of laughter and soft lies
The end –
Of nights we tried to die
This is the End
— Taken from The End by James Douglas Morrison
© 1967 The Doors Music Company
Disturbed, Frustrated, Confuse-ed
Well, my day was mostly uneventful and I will get to that in a minute but I am having some trouble collecting my thoughts here…
*John rummages around his brain and tries his best to collect his thoughts*
OK, I think I found a writing concept for this journal entry that works — I should start at the beginning and go from there. The beginning is a good place to start, right?
I woke up this morning with a partial plan of action – I had to look into a job with a Dry Cleaner a few hundred feet from my house. I went there around lunchtime and I was basically told I needed to call someone to inquire about part time work with their company.
“Call” being the word that struck me out from that job.
So I am getting extremely frustrated right now with looking for a job – it seems like everything would either put me into a pointless job or would just brush me off because I am not a common member of society. I don’t hear great, I’m deaf, I’m not normal, I’m not right, I’m strange, move on soldier – move on.
I don’t even know if I should go into confused for sure…
Disturbed? Why am I disturbed? Well, lets just put it this way – the nation has turned blindly loyal to Herr Bush and his Bushshit regime, vowing that Dubya must be supported because “We are at war.”
Correction, my Fellow Americans, we are at “Police Action” seeing the United States Congress never issued a declaration of War on the sovereign nation of Iraq.
Iraq is supposed to have weapons of mass destruction and all these bad bad things and at the same time — the nation is being bombed to shit and they don’t use them to get the invaders? What’s the logic behind that? Maybe, just maybe, things were — GASP! — destroyed? Maybe, just maybe, this war is not — GASP! — justified? Maybe, just maybe, there’s a bigger threat in this world? Maybe, just maybe, there are problems in the US that won’t be solved with tax cuts? Maybe, just maybe, Dubya is evading them and riding this war straight to the polls?
I’m going to be sick now… :puke
