Tag: sleep
I can't get there from here
My biological clock is tickin’ like this! (stomping feet) At this rate, I ain’t neva’ gettin’ married!” — Marisa Tomei (as Mona Lisa Vito) in My Cousin Vinny
A couple of months back, my friend Terra had asked me if guys start having the biological clock thing and start feeling antsy about things. This was inspired by her friend Marc who seemed to be getting that way in wanting to settle down (I forget the exact details of the conversation). I do remember telling her that generally I (as a guy) felt like it was time to grow up and some people also must get it.
I never expected a feeling of dread that I am missing out on more (love, family) until today.
I’m rather chronic with wanting to get involved and I know I bitch and whine elsewhere about my prospects.. Yet I’ve never felt like I would want, need or have a child. That’s probably still the overall realistic truth (I’m single, I am not dating, I am not sleeping around, nor am I the type to just sleep around)…
Yet last night, out of nowhere while my head was weaving it’s magic through the dreamscape — i had a child. I mean, I was the father of a little girl that appeared in the wandering farscapes and such of my subconscious. A little blond haired girl with glasses who thought I was going to be upset with her that she bought herself a toy instead of something else she needed. I re-assured her I wasn’t and put on a happy face. I also ended up — while trying to fix her glasses — breaking her spectacles by accident.
But what has nagged at me is my knowing the girl thought I was her father and I was her father.
I really need to get my mind off this subject and the entire subject of romance right now. Nothing good is going to come from a forced encounter with a stranger that I meet in this state-of-mind…
The 24 Hours of Saluki
A Hard Days Night of the last 24 hours, that’s a way to describe things that have gone on.
I like to stay obtuse in here at times and in this case it’s especially hard to do so because my partner-in-crime reads the blog on a regular basis. That beign said I’ll cut with the detials and get to the point….
Giving a dog to a good home is something special but knowing the dog is terrified — that’s bad. Knowing that she’s going to a loving, patient pair of owners — that’s good. Spending a day with someone you care for is fantastic. Then having to break the news to that person that the dog she saved, healed and had given a life to, had run away — that’s bad.
Wandering around downtown Clearwater chasing after a shy dog at 1 AM – that’s just strange. Albeit it ‘s also dangerous with the quality characters in the neighborhood. Knowing the animal is playing traffic (not literally, but had been close to traffic and almost hit) — that’s terrible.
Going on minimum sleep and returning to the scene of the crime at daybreak to try, try again — that’s devotion.
And to see this animal re-united with her family after being rescued / captured by a good samaritian — That’s heartwarming. Left wanting more, — that’s life.
Awake!
It’s getting near 2 AM when I write this and it’ll be 2 by the time I publish this and there are a lto of things that are sorta swimming through my head and at the same tiem there aren’t many at all.
I had a good night. I decided to go out for dinner and had some drinks and made the mistake of walking almost 2 miles home — drunk. That’s ok though. I was observant enough not to get hit by a car here in the worst place in the United States to be a pedestrian.
Something else is fudging with me and it’s not something that makes sense to me because it’s a contradiction of sorts…. Having a friend who has been someone you rely on and finding they haven’t been making you better as much as you thought. About how I changed for someone and how it was detrimental to me in general.
And I’d get into that but I like being obtuse about it. Better for all parties involved because you all have to figure out WTF I am talking about 😛
At the same time I have been focusing on myself a lot more — on things with my life and trying to improve them or figure out how the hell to do that. Someone else — well, a couple of people — have been pushing me forward with that and it’s all good… (this should clear up some of the obtuseness) Hopefully something comes from it before my body decides to mess with me again.
2:05 AM EST on Sunday as I finish this post up… And I’m wondering when I’ll go to sleep….
The trip
Where to begin, where to begin?
“I’m only sorta gimpy. I can get there by myself.” I told a curb side check in agent for American Airlines. He smirked and let out a laugh and I went on my way into Tampa International Airport to start my trip on Tuesday morning. I had my Eastman backpack swung over my shoulders, dress pants on and my “trusty” cane in hand as I navigated the terminal and made my way to the airside concourse.
American Airlines made it real easy on me and helped me out the entire way to and from Burbank. Being it lead onto the plane by a Stewardess in Tampa or the ticket-agent trying to get me a replacement flight to Tampa from Dallas if I didn’t make that conneciton flight (more on that later)… AA kicked ass in their service.
The big thing about this that upset my parents and extended family was I was going 2200 miles by my lonesome as my first trip solo. Not to mention I’m still a gimp to one extent or another, walking with and without a cane at times.
Not like I needed to care about being gimpy once I got on the streets of LA.
If there’s one difference that is night and day in La Cuidad de Angels compared to Tampa/St. Pete and the suburbs, it’s the fact that pedestrians have the right of way. Here in Florida, I’d get run down sooner than a car actually wait to turn during a green light. In Los Angeles? I got honked at for not walking and waving cars on at an intersection. That was the biggest adjustment, and the most pleasing.
The other thing that hits me hard every time I am out there is getting used to being surrounded by minorities. Mexicans, Japaneese, African Americans, etc…. One huge eclectic mix. Here in the south, people can only hold closed minded views and hold fear when thinking about situations like that. Me? I fucking LOVED it.
Sure, there is the idea you could get jumped by a gang here and there — that was before I did some thinking and observing. Grandma’s were out walking with canes, unmolested by teens hanging out and kids walking around with CD players weren’t being attacked… I think that gives you an idea it’s safe to be out and about during the daytime and not so intimidated…
At any rate, half the reason I was able to do this trip was my buddy out west, Mark Albracht who I know from SkyscraperPage.com. Me and Mark have known each other a while and have been friends for the past year +…. He had picked me up at the airport and we also spent some time in Hollywood looking around and stuff. It was fun to be out there and see some of the places that I have only heard about (the Kodak theater, the Egyptian….. The Walk of fame…).
Damn, there is so much to talk about and yet I am just rambling through it. And at the same time, there is little to talk about because I didn’t do much while out there. While I liked being on my own on a trip, I would have loved a peer with me (not a parent) to enjoy some of the things that I passed on or didn’t spend enough time with.
Of course, the trip did have it’s low point – my birthday . The day started off as it normally did in LA but I had an appointment that morning. A long overdue ABI checkup. What went so bad? Being forced into an MRI that i didn’t want to have done, having to sit around for four hours until I had the prodcedure, then being in physical and emotional pain with how I was dealt with by the staff… To summarize my birthday was to summarize my life: spent with me trying to look good, voyaging, meeting a friend, being duped by a faux ally, pain, humiliation and ultimately ending alone. Great attitude, wouldn’t you say? 😛 😉
Oh, I forgot to add the part about Burbank. Saturday morning I left my hotel (after barely getting any sleep) to encounter the worst fog I had seen first hand since I was a kid. The flight was grounded until almost 9 and could have made me miss my conneciton flight home… And like I said, a ticket agent stepped right up and arranged things for me if I did miss my connection. Luckily, once airborn, we made up time lost and actually came in ahead of schedule (but still not enough time for this guy to grab a meal while on the DFW International concourse.
I’m planning on getting away some more in coming weeks. A trip to NY for instance…. Who knows where else. Where I’m wanted and where I’m curious would most likely be it.
What is the Purpose?
“I know why you’re here, Neo. I know what you’ve been doing… why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You’re looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn’t really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It’s the question, Neo. It’s the question that drives us. It’s the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did. ”
“What is the Matrix?”
“The answer is out there, Neo, and it’s looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.”
Night after night? Check. Hardly sleeping? Sorta check… Living alone? No but feeling alone? Check….
Searching for Him? Who Him? It? Her? Possibly…
What is the Purpose is the question that I am asking… and I honestly don’t know.
Still searching for Tyler Crotty pictures?
I know some people are still looking for pictures of Tyler Crotty behind the president
Others are looking for full video clips — NerdySouth has what you want, NerdySouth has what you NEED…
And of course, here is our hero (he’s my hero because he can fall asleep during a Bush speech when I only get worked up by the bullshit being spewed) on the Late Show…
Still blah
*Sigh* tis the season.
Today was a day I hopped to catch up on some things I have put off becasue of being so strung out and so pained over…
I was wrong…
:sleepy <-- where are you when I need you???
Sleepless
Just a quick update at 6 AM becasue… well, Johnny hasn’t had a bit of shut-eye since he originally tucked himself in before midnight…
…oh how I love insomnia.
Reloaded Ramblings
Well, I’ve been feeling :puke since late last night. Honestly, I was up until 6 AM because my stomach was doing knots and I couldn’t have slumber sweep me away. It didn’t help that I had stayed in bed until noon the day before….:sleepy I gotta get back to normal hours.
At any rate, Mike gave me The Matrix Reloaded as requested as a late birthday present (speaking of late birthday’s – my silence towards other’s birthday’s is only because of other’s silence twoards mine). I had seen the movie back in June so it wasn’t like I was unaware what happened…
But come on, folks… you should know me. Well, maybe you don’t. I happen to be deaf and use a device to help me hear — but most conversations are tough on me. So I depend on captions with TV and the like.
What does this have to do with Re-Woah-ded? It’s time for my delayed review on the film now that i understand just WTF was going on (not to say I didn’t through watching the movie with just the images on screen).
I look at this movie and I watch it and after dropping all the rehetoric — “It’s about choice”, “Cause and effect”, “It’s understanding that choice and why you made it” and all the other stuff — I find the film’s aim to be about Faith. Undying faith.
How did I jump to this conclusion? Neo being ridiculed by the Architect for having hope. The fact that Morpheus is at a cross roads (“I have lived a dream and now that dream is gone from me.”), and how much the people of Zion and even the machines must believe in Neo — or believe in themselves for that matter — in order to survive the coming onslaught from the Machines.
There’s the love story that you see in this film which is faith in a bond between two people (sidenote – the scene with the cave and Neo making it with Trinity could have been edited out and re-shot with just the two of them in bed in the warm afterglow. That might have moved the movie along faster).
I don’t know, maybe I am missing something here — maybe I just enjoy the movie enough to not care to see the contradictions that the critics are talking about… I see this as a film of faith. As will Revolutions end up being.
Keanu Reeves has said the movies are about “Birth, Life and Death” which scares me a bit because I don’t want to see Neo get killed off to save everyone else. I want to see everyone else saved somehow with Neo leading the way…..
Oh well, so much as for that.
I got my writing assignment back from Herr Fisher and need to work on that sometime soon. I don’t know when I will however. Sorta discouraged and sort of just blah right now with writing — though this entry came off my mind/fingers pretty well. We’ll see what happens.
Just a little taste — part two
In a previous entry, I had given the opening of an ongoing story I am writing that hasn’t yet reached it’s end point and hasn’t yet been edited.
I think some people read that piece of writing and jumped to the wrong conclusions and got on me in part for it — others were just bored to shit and didn’t know what to make of it.
I’m posting the next little snippet just to keep myself occupied….
Read More
I say – you think….
Taken from Unconcious Mutterings:
Well… If you got a journal… play along… See Mutterings for the rules
- Coat::
- Allowance::
- Mist::
- Disorder::
- Scheme::
- Dick::
- Homework::
- Milton::
- Shampoo::
- Z::
And my answers?
- Coat:: rack
- Allowance:: cash
- Mist:: dew
- Disorder::chronic
- Scheme:: plan
- Dick:: Cheney (followed by HEAD and several other obscenities) :tongue
- Homework:: sucks
- Milton:: Bradley
- Shampoo:: hair spray
- Z::SLEEP! The TRUE Breakfast of CHAMPIONS!
Anecdotes from a hospital-based boytoy
Ah, the journal… Now if only I could start writing like a human being again. I’ve found out that I am typing mistakes more often and using incomplete sentences more often because I’ve been stuck on the T900 pager the last week and keeping things tied into my friends online through that.
There’s so much I can say here and so much I want to say – stuff still going on and stuff that I want to talk about to specific people but the time isn’t right.
My hospital stay started with a bang – well not really, it was more like an “Oh shit!” when I forced myself to look at the clock besides my bed and see that it was 6 Am. I was due at the hospital at 5:45… Crap. I jumped, got dressed and got the hell out of dodge… Didn’t get tied up in traffic and actually got to the Hospital before my scheduled operation time… Not just that, was only a few minutes late going into the OR.
Was it scary? Going under the knife is always scary but it wasn’t scary like last year. There was something still sitting with me that was scarier and I was trying to accept things as moving on because of it. O course, waking up and having a mask put on me again didn’t make me feel comfortable either but then again – blacking out and waking up in post-op was about what I expected next.
Though I did dream. Of what, I don’t recall, but I am certain I dreamt this time I was under. I don’t usually dream. Last time I dreamt anything, it was of green clouds during my first operation.
ANYWAY, I wake up in the Post-op/recovery center and I’m watching the clock, of all things, because I was hoping to catch someone on a TV Talk show at 12:30. Of course it’s around 2 at the time and my priorities are out of whack but then again – I guess this also showed my confidence now. Oh sure, I was in pain, I was in a neck brace, and I had little movement in my legs (Muscle relaxants) but I was ready to start recovery.
I’ll tell more soon, other things take precedence now – like sleep.
Lost that healthy feeling
I’m planning on going to Six Flags in St. Louis tomorrow and hopefully everything will go alright. If you look, there was no entry yesterday. The reason things might not work out for me going to Six Flags and the reason there was no entry happens to be the same. Yesterday I was miserably sick. Terrible sinus headaches, stuffy nose, sore, ichy throat, ichy eyes, and I can’t hear myself talk.
Last night I woke up at about 2:30, my roommate had just come home, and I couldn’t fall back asleep because my body ached and I started coughing. I ended up going and taking a really hot shower, trying to let the steam help me breath again.
When I first woke up this morning I wasn’t feeling nearly as bad. I still wish I were home in my bed…with a stove where I can make some soup…and lay on the couch and watch a tv where I know what channel corresponds to the number. I suppose I’m home sick, though, I think “at college and sick” defines it better. I’m about the only one who didn’t go home because they were sick. Everyone else’s parents picked them up or they drove home.
Anyway, I’ll most likely be laying in my bed all day again. Today I’ve got to try to do some kind of work…school work or just cleaning up…I’ll be bored to death if I don’t.
Beautiful Day
Ever have a day so wonderful you didn’t and couldn’t let go of it? Ever wish you could live it again and again? Prom was always one of those days for me..or the weekend of homecoming. The energy is so positive all around you, you get to dress up, and you feel so beautiful and important. Yesterday was one of those days for me. Except it didn’t start lovely..nothing that big even happened.
What started this awesome day was a workout at about 1:20 yesterday. I ran and walked with a friend from my floor for about an hour, and afterwards I was refreshed by a shower. It was a nice cool shower that washed the heat away. I pulled my hair back into a low, parted ponytail and finished up my writing for all of you in cyber space. I was nearly late (so I thought) for my Spanish class, but I got there plenty early.
Spanish class is so much fun for me…I love the sound of hearing any foreign language, especially Spanish. More importantly, I love to hear myself speak in Spanish when I’m having a good day with an accent. In class we talked about all kinds of things…boyfriends, girlfriends, painters, writers, books, heroes, and anything else that came up. It was all in Spanish. This was much like my Spanish classes at my high school. I came out of that class with a smile on my face, and suddenly this spark of energy and happiness that had no end. I hurried back to my dorm to share my happiness with everyone.
Many people couldn’t believe how peppy I was just because of my Spanish class. It was as if I were high on something (but I don’t do that sort of thing so believe me, I wasn’t). I smiled and laughed so much with my friends that my cheeks actually hurt. My roommate and I finally got to talking about ourselves a little deeper and now I see how much I really like her. Everything just seemed to click.
Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was still in such a good mood. Mary (my roommate) had the Dave Matthews and Tim Reynold’s Live at Luther CD and we were listening to that before we went to bed. The cd is completely laid back and awesome, exactly how I felt that day. Dave Matthews Band is my favorite one out there…if you’re a fan, let me know…we need to chat sometime.
Finally at 12:45 AM I had to draw things to a close. I had my 8 AM today and I needed to get some sleep. I only hope that today will be half of the day I had yesterday.
Beddy Bye
Well, today’s moving day for thousands — if not millions — of teens and young adults as they go out to college and start their higher education career and a new life in general. Tonight for some (such as a few friends of mine — Terrable, Sarah) are sleeping in their own beds for the last time for weeks or months.
Actually, it’s their last night to be able to use the term “my own bed” period. As of tomorrow – it’s not your bed any more. Does that sound odd? Or feel odd? It’s not supposed to, I’m not trying to put a scare into anyone, but tomorrow is end of one part of your life that they’ve known and the beginning of another. Where home will not feel the same in the not-too-distant future when they return there, and their bed – though comfortable compared to what they had in the past — just doesn’t feel the same for one reason or another.
It’s not your own bed any more. It used to be your bed, alas, no more. Your bed is in your apartment or the one in your dorm. Some day it’ll be something else when you further move out on your own to some place and time that isn’t the here and now. It’s lonely thinking of this in some ways and it’s torture in others… It’s moving on from the past and striving forward into the future.
But as all that moving forward is going, I’m going to go sleep in my own bed tonight and crumble up in my comforter as I have for the past 13 years and find slumber while tucked among my pillows. It’s the one familiar in my life — the one constant… Maybe that’s been the same for you and your bed? Whatever it is, there’s no place like home… And when you’re home, there’s no place like that specific spot you’ve been sleeping
For now my heart is going to go get snuggled cozily into my own bed. It might be too small, it may be aging, it does have a smell — but it’s my little piece of heaven. It’s the one place on earth I only want to share with special persons (heh, tell that to my parents for every time they took a seat on my bed when I was sick and nagged me to move so they could sit on the mattress), it’s the only place in the world I’m guaranteed solitude. It’s the only place in the world where my mind can run un-bridled with dreams.
It’s beddy bye time. And whenever that moment comes around for everyone else, I’m hoping they can find just as much comfort and peace in their beds – wherever they may be – as I find in mine.
Powerless
Well, day one of being home alone goes by without incident. Well, sorta.
New York and the Northeast, as many of you already know, has gone into the dark. Of course it’s brighter in NYC than it is in Tampa Florida as it stands at this moment as I gander back over my shoulder to watch TV. I am amazed at the City that Never Sleeps and how they are dealing with this. The city and the tri-state area as well as most lf the Northeast have been through this before and aren’t entirely alienated by the notion of the city without power. Hearing about the blackout didn’t shake me so much because I knew NYC and the northeast weren’t strangers to this. What did shake me were the images of those in Manhattan flocking out of the city across the bridges and mingling on the streets.
Horrors of 9-11 came back to my mind.. yet there was something that brought peace to my mind this time – something that made me happy enough and proud enough to write this entry up: the citizens, though inconvenienced, are all smiles and going through what they have. You know, I’ve grown to resent the statement that New York is the greatest city int he world (mostly because of those Damned Yankees) but it’s situations like this that just proves it — that Manhattan Island and those int he 4 boroughs adjacent to it are residents of the greatest city in the world. When faced with adversity, New Yorkers overcome. Too bad the rest of the Nation hasn’t taken lessons in this.
An Insomniacs Confession
Once again, I struggle to sleep. 2 AM comes around and I find I can go on till 3 just fine and dandy. Before 3 hits, I am off to my bed where I hope gentle slumbers will take me for a pleasant trip to Dreamland… Yet sleep doesn’t come. I toss, I turn, I let my mind run…
3:15, 3:45, 4:15, 4:57…
It was after 5 AM when I finally fell asleep. This is ridiculous.
Speaking of ridiculous, is there anyone who actually finds these entries enjoyable? Because they are either too personal a confession or just… I don’t know, repetitive rants of the liberal kind.
The last thing I should be doing is questioning my writing right now because that’s all I’ve got, or so it feels sometimes.
Sleep-Deprivation: The source of Famine the world over
Insomnia sucks…
I mean it really sucks. Sure, it’s 2:30 when I write this — in the afternoon. This was after I was up till close to 5 AM just tossing and turning and trying to find something to help me drift off into golden slumbers.
My mind was running in circles and honestly I should have just gotten up and written for a while in order to find some escape – that was working for me earlier this summer… The thing is I want to write explanations and at the same time – explanations are why I ended up taking actions that need to be explained in the first place.
That’;; make sense to no one. Maybe that’s my sleep deprivation talking, I don’t lnow… can someone pass me the espresso?
In other news, I spent 3 hours at Andy’s place yesterday afternoon… It’s got a ton of potential but at the same time – it’s a pigsty and grossly outdated. At least one of the bathrooms need to be totally gutted and replaced, the kitchen and “pool room” as Andy described it, hast a ton of potential… The living room / dining room remind me of my uncle Alan’s place… Oh, but the view in the backyard is stellar with the pond back there. I really need to take some digital snapshots of the house when I get a chance – hopefully this weekend…
Bad-Legged-Freaks
So it’s late night Saturday (early Sunday, bloody, Sunday morning) and I’m losing myself in my writing again as I have at times of the past few months.
Ahh, the comfort in text – now if it was only worth reading… and if there was only proof people read this stuff (hint hint — click the comment link below and leave a comment about any given entry).
I used most of my day for writing and for 24, disc 4 (It is now 4 PM on the day of the California Presidential Primary) but I had a little incident this afternoon that re-inforced the scary part of my life…
My right leg gave out on me – twice.
I bent down to pet my cat, Smokey — hunkered down — and the leg had no strength in it (at the thigh). I struggled to get my balance and to not fall on my ass or whatever…
OK, maybe it was three times… I remember trying to get up from a chair and it giving out on me again… along with one other instance of leg weakness.
Monday I’m going to learn the date of snip-snip (surgery) and I hope I get to speak to Doc Smith before then.
Sleep time is near… must go… must go… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Musical Justifications
I didn’t get to sleep last night until… well. this morning. It must have been 5 AM when I finally conked out. Pretty shitty if I do say so myself. I woke up around nine and stayed in bed until 10…. And yet I am still going strong right now without the urge to nap? WTF is up with that shit, y0?
Today I have politics on my mind a good bit. I haven’t talked about the WMD’s or much at all about the war in general since military operations started in Iraq. Of course, EVERYONE who has ever read this journal and knows me knows that I am against the war and think it’s unjustified. Well, the administration is continuing musical-justification for the war and now is stating that 9-11 is the reason why the United States attacked Iraq.
Give me a fucking break.
To say 9-11 justified the war is to say that any time someone acts suspiciously then you have every reason to kill that person in order to protect yourself. I mean, if I am walking down the street and someone is wearing baggy pants and looks intimidating, do I have the right to shoot the bastard on site because I am afraid? No. The White House is justifying everything that it does through 9-11 and it’s saddening that people actually believe it.
At any rate, Assignment 3 for my correspondence course is in the mail and on it’s way to the Lou-one and I still have bad bad feelings about the assignment. I sent him a copy of the Times article about me from last year as well as Re Elect JF’nK (he’s a Hudson Valley Renegades fan and they have a soft spot for Joe up there). I don’t know, i just feel really odd about it.
Oooh, before I forget to add this: have any of you been having problems with pop-up ads in Windows? I don’t mean pop-up ads while you are surfing web pages… I mean static messages that appear out of no where while you are online. You will want to look at this nifty little remedy to get rid of those pesky little fuckers. Windows Messages suck ass.
Fight Lines
So I was up at an hour that
is between dawn and lunch… I couldn’t tell, it was all such a blur to me that
my "wake up" shower lasted 20 minutes with me mumbling as I scrubbed
and thinking of things and people instead of focusing on my day ahead. Actually
it was quite nice to be up at a sane hour in the morning for a change (even
though I didn’t get to sleep until midnight). I’ve been stuck in this unending
trend of getting up from 10:30 to Noon and having rather unproductive days because
of it.
Well, actually, this day
hasn’t been too productive either so don’t think everything was much better
off with me getting up at a sane hour and being able to term the start of my
day as it truly was – the morning.
SO I went to see Doc Smith
and his merry band of medical matrons who masterly manipulated and mutilated
my moxie by keeping me waiting for an hour after the time I was scheduled to
have my appointment. Of course, Dr. Cahill’s passing was most likely the cause
of things being tied up at TGH, so I’ll forgive them for this.
Unfortunately it’s a lot
harder to forgive my body for what it’s putting me through and putting my doctor
thorough, who isn’t quite certain what the cause of trouble is for me or where
to proceed. And there’s a lot of trouble for me. Even more trouble than I mentioned
to him and trouble that can’t be found on MRI images (well, at least this set
of them).
But all in all, a fight
line is being drawn. Action is going to take place soon enough. The powers are
aligning – some for me, some against. Of course, I have to battle on much as
the poem says. I’ve got too many places to go, things to see, people to do..
It’s such a demanding existence, I tell ya! :-p
I had Keith read my first
rough draft of my Non-Fiction assignment (mind you, there are 5 of them and
I was just trying harder with one) and basically he told me it was crap
Of course he also inspired a re-write that put the story more in the first person
about going through the trials and tribulations of a Bucs fan over the years
and the end result was 920+ words and a much better story. I’ve gone through
it once since I wrote it, will have to go through it again before I get up the
nerve to print this story out and send it to Lou.
Personally, I don’t want to keep doing Non-fiction, I want to learn how to become
more charismatic in my writing (as my last assignment feels cold except through
the story’s twists and turns) and keep on chugging with fiction.
Dreaming
I’ve talked briefly with people in the past about some problems I am having when I am sleeping. Some people have trouble sleeping because of insomnia, others have trouble sleeping because of being uncomfortable, while others have problems sleeping due to heartbreak while others have problems sleeping because of nightmares.
While I can get to sleep ok (now), I’ve been having a series of dreams that have the exact same topic or the exact same outcome. They’ve been going on for a while now and it’s getting to the point where I’m afraid of why they are still showing up with me.
The dream usually has me pinned against my family – my father, brother, mother do something to upset me and the entire duration of the dream I am hurt, enraged and sad at the same time and fleeing from them or trying to avoid them or being chased by them.
I’ve been trying to figure out just why I have these dreams and it’s pretty obvious that it’s got to be because of my arrangements in this household – I’m at the lower part of the food chain and I have to bend to their will more times than not. I feel oppressed and this need to escape and yet I feel like they will chase me down or force me to be part of their little circle again and again…
No wonder I feel like a child more times than not.
Of course, my dependence on them for normal things is part of the reason I feel like that. I can do plenty of things by myself but there is one thing (getting around) that I can’t (I don’t drive) and therefore I am stuck not being able to do what I please (that and money reasons :rolleyes ) more times than not.
SO what would get me to stop having these dreams? I don’t know for sure but independence and a change of scenery would help, I would think.
Worlds Of Wonder
I’m writing this entry through Notepad right now because I’m not able to access my web site and update it — damn Digital Zones, fix the fucking thing already! (UPDATE — 8:41 PM as I write this and they are STILL down!
UPDATE 2 — 5:57 Tuesday — FINALLY back up and running )
I’m not feeling so great right now because my chest feels like it’s exploding… Every time I make progress with moving on, I regress a few hours later because of one thing or another. Hmphf, go figure.
I didn’t update things yesterday (insert shocked expression here) because I was waiting for something – anything – online and instead of that happening, I took some allergy medicine after I started feeling very ill and was stoned/out by 10 PM. Seeing I’ve been getting up extremely early and not getting to sleep until 3 lately, it probably was a good thing that I hit the sheets a bit early.
Yesterday I spent the early part of the day sunning myself at the neighborhood pool (that’s telling you how bad the condition of my own pool/porch are) and got righteously burnt with grotesque burn lines from my tank top to prove it. Something tells me that I am going to have to start remembering to use tanning oil :p .
On the way back from the pool I started wondering about some people that were part of my past and if I should bring them up here on the site — knowing that the Search Engines will end up crawling this page and their names will be indexed and they will be able to find this page (them or their relatives ) and realize someone who they may or may not remember was speaking about them and may or may not want to hear from me in the first place.
This is sort of a collective Where Are They Now but without the glory and gifts for those who take part in the program.
Let’s start with the one who lived closest to me who disappeared when 1) she graduated and 2) her mom left her step dad who still lives down the block from me: Lisa LaCasse. Lisa and me were in the same school from 5th grade onward and the last memory that shines through it all is me being a dick and giving her a “body glove” without thinking about her having whip-lash (senior year of HS). If it makes you feel any better, Lisa, I had a neck operation last year and I went through the same hell you experienced. It’s also worth bringing up that there were plenty of rumors (ok, not so much rumors as your sister and her friends screaming it at me when I rode down the block one time) that you had a crush on me at one point or another — it was probably for the best that nothing ever materialized with that because A) I was a coward at the time and B) I was insecure and both affected how I dealt with girls I met.
Next girl who I need to bring up is someone who I admittedly had an interest in during HS at one point but things got torn apart after we moved up from 11th grade — Jen Wertenberger (which I probably spelled wrong . I haven’t seen hide nor hair of Jen since — I can’t even remember. I did see her friends at Target one time and thought she might be with them but I didn’t see her if she was. Jen was a good friend and I was a smart ass and a dick when I was hanging out with her, and the same insecure coward I talked about above.
Now, the next name on the list is one that my friends hear one time or another usually when I confess my past and I am arguing with myself whether to mention her here or not… Ok, I’ll do it: Jill Clawser. There, I said it… Someone lock me up! I was so obsessed with Jill during 10th grade and much of HS but I was so scared to step forward and so insecure to tell her how I felt… Probably for the best, of course, everything happens for a reason or so I once was told by a very wise person. Jill dropped out from HS her senior year, I saw her a few times at Spencer’s Gifts and one time at Target on a passing chance but then – nothing. I had a web page up in my Pictures section asking “Where are they now” and her aunt came across the picture — ma’am, if you find this, I was sort of terrified someone actually responded to the inquiry about Jill and I didn’t know how to tell you that I can’t hear so well so I couldn’t use the phone and call her if you got her number.
There’s someone else I was close to online that has disappeared entirely because I know her life went in a different direction than mine and was always a good bit different than mine, she was someone I needed in my life as my friend in a very trying time in my life (right after I went deaf) and I value her being there for me till this day. Tiffany O’Neal of Jackson, Mississippi. Me and Tiff used to talk on AOL and later on AOL IM for hours every morning before she went to school… I got to know her and her friends that she lived with, Jill Brown and Thomas Hood. I’m wondering what-up with all of you? Last thing I heard from Jill was that Tiffany had entered the Navy? Maybe, maybe not… I can’t be certain. It was so long ago….
Memories…. from the corner of my mind….
Of course I could post about other people in here that I used to be interested in or friends with but it’s for the best that I don’t. Besides, this feels like I have been rambling for hours even though it might have been only 10 minutes. I’m much calmer than I was when I started this thing.
I’m really getting antsy though — I want access to my web site back so I can get this update up!
Oh yeah, kiddies, I’m getting Mike’s kick ass computer system as he is getting a new machine any day/hour/minute/second now…. I’ve cleaned out most of my files/pictures/movies/applications on this system so far and am ready to just format the hard drive and re-install XP before I venture off into my new machine….
* Time entry was written
The Postal "Code"
My first day off in what feels like weeks is today. I was up at the crack of dawn out of habit and I’m still going. On any other day (without work) I’d still be in bed, sleeping like a baby right now. How things change.
I’ve also got a cold in my eye, or so my optometrist says. I’m doing better than I was yesterday when it came to how my eye was (it was blood shot — it’s been like that for days), but I have to stick with medication for a time…
I had a thought that I have had with US Mail for a while. I don’t know if I ever talked about it (ranted, excuse me) in my journal before but I thought this was actually a good idea…. It’d help out Big Brother, unfortunately, as well as help out the US Postal service.
First thing you do is get rid of stamps as they are right now. Each household is given an account with the US mail and charged for mail they send and mail they receive. Lets say you only receive junk mail (not even bills) and never send anything — your bill would be basically a few cents on the dollar. If you do heavy sending and receiving, of course your bill will be higher.
Each message that you need to send isn’t given a regular postage stamp, it’s given a barcode so that the item can be tracked, charged to yur account, etc. The Postal Service sends you new barcodes with each billing statement….
Some would complain that some people use the US Mail and don’t live in a home or an apartment or a fixed place. This is very true. If you DO need to buy individual stamps, they would be able to be purchased at a much higher cost than what you have right now….
Then there are those who would complain about this – how much tracking ability should the Government have over mail? I don’t think much is necessary but I also believe that it’s important to be able to track malicious mail – Anthrax, mail bombs, etc…. One barcode can tell you where a stamp was purchased (if not charged to an account), when (time, date)… You can piece together much more evidence from that….
It’s an ambitious idea but I do believe it’s a worthy idea too. The US Postal Service is suffering in it’s current design and it’s time for an overhaul of equipment used and methods used of dealing with the Mail.
Wall Off Wal-Mart!
Last night I finally got a good night of sleep after tossing and turning all weekend and getting up early. Nice refreshing change back to the norm – me sleeping in….
I went downstairs and I read the newspapers like usual and one of the top stories in the local “North Pinellas Times” section of the St. Petersburg Times simply enraged me. I ought to find something normal to get pissed off about, because politics and business (especially here in Florida) will be the end of me…
You see, Wal-Mart is proposing a new Supercenter along the bank of Lake Tarpon, which is entirely ridiculous. Where the building would be is not more than 10 miles from another Supercenter, nor is it 2 miles from a current Wal-Mart location….
The story’s headline? “Wal-Mart proposal includes traffic signal”…
You mean to tell me that a building that 1) adds to sprawl in North Pinellas, 2) hurts the environment, 3) Paves over a wooded RV Park and D) is useless, should make me feel more comfortable because they would add a TRAFFIC SIGNAL at their entrance point? Give me an f’n break!
I ended up going all out this morning over this – I emailed the stories writer with a complaint that he did not include the information that the proposed store rests only a few thousand feet from another Wal-Mart. I also went out and emailed my County Commissioners expressing displeasure over the proposal which now rests in their hands:
Commissioners:
My name is John Fontana and I’m a Pinellas County resident in North
Pinellas County. What I read in the newspaper today disturbed me and it
also made mention that the County Commission controlled the outcome of this
planned development – so I am emailing you in order to voice my displeasure
and concerns about what has been proposed.Walk Mart Corporation and Wilder Corp development have proposed a
Supercenter to be built adjacent to Lake Tarpon and U.S. 19 south of
Klosterman Road. While Wilder Corp argues about how the region suffers from
a lack of shopping (which has been their public argument since attempting to
build a Target and Lowe’s Home Improvement center on the property), it does
not seem to take into consideration why people oppose it and why residents
do not like the proposed.For starters, Wal-Mart has both a Supercenter and a standard Wal-Mart store
within driving distance of the proposed location. It is not a problem for
any resident to drive from Klosterman or points around the area to either
Alderman Road or Oldsmar where the locations of Wal-Mart’s stores are. The
proposed construction also adds more apartments to an already over-saturated
market here in North Pinellas. Innisbrook Resort gutted it’s property to
add hundreds of apartments within the last 5 years, and other Apartment
options surround the area…. Adding a new set of apartments would not just
drive down opposing apartment complexes value, but just continue to add
clutter to the sprawling North Pinellas area.Another problem with this proposal is environmental impact. Wilder Corp’s
plans would gut it’s wooded RV park and pave over the spot… It would also
disturb the Lake Tarpon ecosystem due to rain run-off that would end up in
the lake from the parking from both the proposed Wal-Mart and also the
proposed apartment’s.What is to become of the Wal-Mart that is currently located at Alderman Road
and U.S. 19? Would it be vacated and left to be an empty and ugly “box”?
Don’t we already have enough of these in the Bay Area and Pinellas County by
carpet-bagging developers? How much development are we going to allow to
tarnish Lake Tarpon? How many green-spots in Pinellas County are left to be
paved over with additional suburban sprawl? Is Wilder Corp’s vow to pay for
a traffic signal at US 19 and Cypress Pointe supposed to put my mind at ease
that my tax-payer dollars will not be spent on this? If that is the case,
it doesn’t. This development should be stopped in it’s tracks. There are
other uses for the property that are more sound than the current proposal.
That was sent to four of seven County Commissioners… I only pray they don’t just file this away and ignore the complaint.
I’m so sick of backing up and giving ground to large, ominous corporations…. I’ve done it with Sony and Apple Corp LTD…. I’ve bowed to the Corporate structure by getting a minimal job with Target Corp…. What’s next? I have to name my first born Microsoft Fontana in order to get to use Windows XP 2.0? Or have UPC codes tattooed to my skin in order to be able to purchase items from a specific company? Will I have to move because someone wants to build a gas station on my property and the County uses some hidden law to evict me? I want to fight it, I want to lobby against it, I want to protest it… And yet I can’t find many like-minded people near me.
The Knife
This is probably my last entry for the time being. I’ve got to get some sleep tonight and I need to / want to talk to some people before I leave tomorrow and I would be more likely to stick around talking to them than tap-tappity-tap-tap the keyboard and write out a journal entry on this web site.
I published contact/feedback information for Sony Music on the Fab 4 Lyrics section of the site. If you’re pissed that they are pulling this shit (threatening over lyrics being published on the web) — TELL THEM. Make sure you tell them it’s in regards to Beatlelyrics.com
I got a haircut today and lets just say the guy who appears in the Stonegauge logo above does not look much like me right now. For those of you who saw my picture in the St. Pete Times from the 1st article about the situation that arose with Beatlelyrics.com – I can say that my long locks in that photo are gone as well.
I spent most of the morning pinning about politics…. I really continue to despise George W. Bush and feel half of what I’ve gone through is helped along because of his administration is so pro-corporate… I also feel the US is guilty of Terrorism with their threat on Iraq… Sure Iraq poses a threat with biological weapons or other stuff — but SO DO WE! So does GREAT BRITAIN, so do other countries that are our allies but we aren’t going to bomb them and invade. We aren’t about to oust the government in Saudi Arabia even though they support terrorism. Hell, we sponsor terror by allowing Saudi Arabia to remain our ally and continue to have unrestricted access to the US. How many of September 11th’s hijackers were from SA? Where is Osama Bin Laden from? It’s bullshit.
I want Bush out of office so bad…. I look and ask are we better off than we were 2 years ago and I gag at the thought… Economics are skewerd, corporations rule, the environment means little to Dubya and some of our freedoms are being taken away by the Attorney General who is a far-right-wing thinker. Why don’t they just burn the Bill of Rights, declare the Bush family the first monarchy of dictatorship and throw all liberals (like myself) in jail who might question the President. How many times have I heard that I am in the wrong for questioning the president because we are at war? Should I be intimidated like that? No sir…. ESPECIALLY seeing the president’s Administration is doing objectionable stuff.
Oh well, just about 13 hours before I need to be up and ready to go… 🙁 I’ll hopefully get to leave you another comment in this journal soon….
Crap Unadulterated
Hello my pretties… **laughs of pure evil ensue** 😈
So today was crap. Not just regular crap, but pure, unadulterated crap. The type of crap that will just keep you awake at night when you want to roll over and go to sleep. The kind of crap that will plague a long car trip between point A and point B, causing a 2 hour trip to span 4 hours due to time taken at rest stops in order to let the Crap have it’s way with you.
Yes, Crap rued the day.
Fanhome was giving all 1400+ users on the site a load of crap. The pages were slow, the loading was bothersome. I couldn’t find out if anyone was trying to fix the problem so I threw my hands up in disgust and left the site. The trade deadline in Baseball, which caused the huge influx of users today by the way, didn’t even have anything eventful happen with it! Worst trade deadline I can remember… Nothing happened!
While all this was going on (with FanHome) I ran into a girl on Yahoo messenger from Tarpon. She seemed really interested in having a relationship with someone – no I don’t mean just meeting someone and hooking up, I mean she put a note that she wanted something serious and a the M word on her page… The M word is taboo when you are just trying to meet a guy, Ladies. We all know that you want it in the end and (some of us) are happy to oblige but while you are searching for a man, don’t throw out the M word. I’ve met too many girls that wanted to get hitched lickety split and ended up regretting getting involved with the guy in question.
And for the record, I ended up mentioning I had a hearing impairment and I didn’t have another word spoken to me from said girl :-p .
*Sigh* No word from Sonnenschein, Nath and Rosenthal, which I am happy with. Last thing I want to hear is that everything else needs to be brought down because they don’t like the ugly mug on the top of this page. Or the fact they don’t like how I talked to the media after they shit on me.
Crap. Total crap. Totally unadulterated crap! Oh the humanity!
So I’ll send out apologies to my friends for just being me, I’ll send out apologies to my online friends for doing the pity party thing lately, and I’ll send out apologies to you — the readers — for having to trek through my day of Crap
Silence Abounds and Immoral Grounds
You know I woke up this morning with the day in front of me — actually slightly behind me. My gut had been doing the rumba last night and had kept me up, keeping me sleep deprieved and groggy most of the day.
So I came online around 10 AM to find an email from Mike Emmons – which got me excited because I’m in the mood to work on a campaign and try to help out from the grass roots side at the very top of the organization.
Well, my excitement didn’t last long when I found that the person who had steered me to Mike Emmons had shared my own private conversation about Mike’s site with Mike without my permission. Mike had responded to some comments I made but I didn’t care to read them over. Why? Because of the ethical breach of sending someone’s email to someone else with regards to business.
If I wanted to talk to Mike Emmons about certain things – me and Mike could discuss them together in the future. That’s between me and Mike Emmons, not a third party who introduced me to Mike Emmons.
So, as the day went on, I got to go to the Hospital again to have stitches removed from my back. My doctor is almost shocked at how well I am doing and damnit – I am too. Still a LONG way to go when it comes to recovery and rehab but, as someone who was supposed to be left paraplegic by my last operation, I am no more paraplegic than a member of a dance troop.
Of course, not everything went hunky dory with the doctor appointment and my problems with it isn’t because of the doctor or having to wait an obsessively long time to get my stitches removed. It was dear old Dad once again who decided to piss me off. Not because he did something – it was because what he didn’t do.
We left around 1:30 and got back sometime after 5 and between those hours, my father barely said anything to me, and wouldn’t answer my questions with much more than a shrug or a gesture. I didn’t enjoy the car ride (though I kept picking up songs on the radio, which never happens with me) nor the hospital stay all thanks to the fact Dad wanted to play alpha-male who just grunted.
I’m a conversationalist, folks. I like to talk – I like to discss things and there are plenty of things in the world to discuss – just why the hell my Father likes to act like an oaf is beyond me. I really get sick of the fact he seems so dis-passionate about everything and anything. There are plenty of journal entries in the past where I have complained about him… I can’t point to them now but it’s worth repeating again that he is so indolent it isn’t even funny.