Tag: regret
Some things don't change
I have kept a memento album since sometime in the late 1990’s. Just a photo album with newspaper scraps, pictures of friends and loved ones, and letters/post cards from people that I’ve communicated with in the past. Not letters as in email print outs, but actual letters. You know, those that were hand written at one point in the distant past? Yeah, those things… Hard to believe we did stuff besides typing, isn’t it? Sentimentality is so over-rated…
But I went into this album today with the specific intention of taking out and tucking away a few pictures I’d taken close to ten years ago (within a year or two) and a handful of letters as well from that same time frame. I’ll just say that they were all of the same subject. That person has been chronicled here in vagueness and obtuseness.
But going through the letters — marred with the inconsistency of not knowing what I had originally sent (which had led to these response letters) as well as the letters themselves rambling in vagueness. I found one passage of one particular letter (written on loose leaf paper as they all were, and dated 8/06 and likely from 1998 ) that just left me smiling and nodding for all the wrong reasons:
Dear John —
Today is a day I shall always remember. I took a wonderful, if not so secret thing and brutally destroyed it. I’m disgusted. I have new understanding of several things Sorry so obtuse but I don’t wan to talk any more about it
Why do I take satisfaction in this? What kind of sick asshole am I to do such a thing? A ten+ year old letter, stated rather obtusely, about destroying something beautiful?
Answer: I hadn’t said it felt like someone died for nothing, people. This letter may be an echo of a person that I knew in the past, based on different events and different circumstances along with different consequences, but to me? It’s the only remorse that I will see in the present from that person.
We’ve all taken something beautiful and destroyed it – a keepsake, a plant, perhaps a relationship of the friendly or intimate variety — at one point or another in our lives. I know I’m guilty of this in the past with people and things, but I take some solace in knowing that at one point in time, there was expressed grief and remorse by certain people. Grief and remorse that I can’t quite see them express or have linger in their head or heart today over recent events.
Aftermath
I regret making my “joke” about Charley’s turn — seeing the destruction that it caused and knowing it could very well have been here is very sobering.
My older borther Mike got sent by Publix to do emergency work in Ft. Myers. He’s supposed to be down there for three days but for all he knows he could be down here a lot longer….
Melody and Regret
A couple of days ago, I was flipping around the tube and came across a Beach Boys biopic I had originally seen when I was younger, called Summer Dreams, which I got lucky enough to turn on just as the British Invasion was beginning (1964).
I got to come across Brian Wilson’s anxiety and his musical genius that I had been aware of from quotes but hadn’t thought of much besides what I had heard and liked as a child — which is odd because some of the music is much more complex an innovative than the Beatles stuff and I had never given it a second thought (example: The introduction to California Girls).
I’ve had a song in my head since I watched the movie and I would love to be able to provide streaming audio of the music to share with everyone because of how beautiful the song can be — but alas, until I figure out how to do that, i can only share with you the lyrics. It’s a stirring and haunting melody with harmonies in multiple layers…. It was part of the Pet Sound album (which George Martin claimed, “If it wasn’t for Pet Sounds, there would be no Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band)…
Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the song I haven’t been able to get out of my head — or stop pulling at my heart (as was the case with Dennis Wilson in Summer Dreams
God Only Knows
I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I’ll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I’d be without you
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
A Year Ago
A year ago, I was in love.
Yes John was in love.
And it was the beginning of the end of that love and the first signs of a shit year that I was due to have.
Put off, led on, put off, strung along, that is how I would term things and how they’ve been with a former friend and former desire. Someone who I felt so comfortable with and yet even when the relationship seemed so mutual – it wasn’t. No, there was this underlying, unspoken dread that never came out honestly. The shifting, the bullshitting, the tap-dancing around issues… You would have thought that George W. Bush or one of his administration officials were in charge of running things between us…
You would think that at least I could have retained a friend through all this but that isn’t the case either. No, someone stopped being a friend when they were too tense to deal with me in a time of need. My bitter beginning of my resurrection post is an ode to that.
But where am i now? In the realm of bitterness, I can’t help but think about the past and think about the good times over the bad. I can’t help but think of the dreams and the past wants. Then I remember some of the things said and done and I just have it handed to me, the fact that the past is dead and done with. It’s been tossed to the garbage and only given passing thoughts by parties who were involved within these events, thoughts, memories, desires, etc.
I’ve kept my silence about things for a few months – though bitterness has been with me throughout over things and how they came to pass and such. That’s the one thing that won’t be acknowledged or thought highly of by anyone but it’s one moral standing that I’ve kept throughout the good times and bad – I’ve tried to take the high road with things even when I find out the ridiculous is the truth. I’ve given extra chances and wanted for those chances to work out but alas, the old proverb “Hurt me once – shame on you, hurt me twice – shame on me” held true.
Here’s to the lonely hearts out there, and those who regret their actions in the past…. Here’s to those who cherish what they have, and those who cherish what they chase. Here’s to those who face up to things, and here’s to those who realize they’ve got more than they deserve….
Happy Valentines Day
Oh yeah… It's that time, ain't it?
I’ve forgone saying this to my (small) web audience — Happy New Year!
I had wanted to post a long piece of best-and-worst of The Stonegauge this past year… “Best Comment”, “Funniest Entry”, “Entry I most regret” and such — but that’d be no fun because me saying what I think is best and worse on this page doesn’t mean the sentiment is shared by everyone who is reading.
I’d invite you to VOTE for one or tell me what you enjoyed most on here — but then again, that’s a lot of work for you – the reader. I’ve posted a TON this year and not all of it was on my current Moveable Type setup for the journal – meaning you would have to sift through my old journal to find some of my fave (and least favorite) posts.
But if you wanna’ — please go ahead. Meanwhile – I’m going back to being blah and thinking about posts I still want to make on here in the near future.
Choices
Choices are what defines our life and is an integral part of what drives us. Other’s choices have helped define you as a human being and helped form your habits. Your own choices have defined you up until this point in life – where you are reading this journal entry on a web site you chose to go to and you will choose if you will read beyond the end of this paragraph or if you will switch to a different web site on the World Wide Web (hell, you might have already).
Some choices bring you to joy and other choices bring you regret. Other’s choices can bring you to joy, or might make you regret that you dealt with them… Or perchance they will make you want to encourage them to make a better decision, a more thoughtful choice because the particular choice they are currently using going to end up hurting them.
You could look back at a relationship and say “Hey, it’s his / her loss” over the fact they chose another course over choosing you but at the same time – you’re most likely pinning in one way or another becasue you don’t want them to lose out on you, or in general.
It’s all about choices. Sometimes it’s not your own choice that forces you to live life in solitude but the choices of others — the choices they made to be part of the in crowd and how you wouldn’t be good for their image, or the choice you made to not associate yourself with this-or-that type of person because of some quality they have about them.
You’ll chose what you have to eat tonight, and what time you’ll go to bed — stay up and watch Letterman or maybe go to bed early to get a jump start on the new day? You’ll chose whether to sit back in your chair as you read this or shift side to side, or put your feet up on your desk while you read.
Choices, choices….
Do I take the blue pill or do I swallow the red? Do I make another movie quote here about a famous choice or do I go on with my ramble?
Some choices are made by fate, or by God or by whatever higher power is overseeing our lives. Disease, famine, drought, death, life – so it goes without saying that we have only so much we can control. Sometimes we just don’t want to control, sometimes we think control is an illusion… And then sometimes you realize your choices up until this moment made control look like an illusion, and you can’t get yourself back in control.
We’re all on the edge of sanity and sobriety in our lives and the choices we make put us on either side of that edge. Steven Tyler said it best when he sang, We can tell’em no, or we can let it go… but I’d rather leave it hanging on which is just leaving things flextible and open to decision at another time… It’s a choice I once found comfort in… Yet that was a time in the past, back in the days of high school and now I find myself making decisions because there is no more care free living. Not just that but leaving things wavering — for or against? Yes or no? Do or don’t? — often makes things worse than just getting them out of the way.
I’m surrounded by choices… They chide me, are snide to me, delight me and damn me all in the matter of a moment.
Choices… For you, for me, for society, for the world… Choices.
No thought was put into this, I always knew it would come to this
Thought – it’s your enemy… It’s also your greatest ally because if you don’t think you end up doing things you regret or things that hurt other people… Or yourself for that matter.
What am I thinking about that happens to be my enemy? Hmm?
Politics…. Anything and everything that is rehashed propoganda from one side of the political spectrum to the other… It happened 5 years ago with Clinton and the Monica-Lewinsky and now it’s happening again with Dubya and lying in order to sell the nation on a War that is no longer popular nor seen as something that had been needed.
The Weather….. Florida’s gotten really lucky the past… oh… I don’t know… 11 years since Hurricane Andrew struck south Florida. Tampa Bay has been even more fortunate because it was never struck by a strong hurricane (well, it hasn’t been for a while) and it is seen as an area that would see the same devestation Homestead saw if a Hurricane hit us directly… That worries me a bit because, much like earthquakes, the longer the silence between events, the worse they are going to be when they finally happen.
My Health…. On my mind too much lately – literally.
The Buccaneers…. Camp’s open! May the title defense begin! Oh, and Brian Kelly? Shut the hell up and just play your fucking game, will ya? Money grubbing, greedy bastard….
24…. It’s now 8 AM on the day of the California Presidential Primaries and I’ve learned I should hate Netflix just because I won’t get episodes 9, 10, 11 and 12 for at least another day (I just watched 5-8 tonight and it floored me. What a fantastic show!)
Mica Furniture…. or “How I learned to hate my furniture and want to take a match to it.”
Writings…. It’s funny how you can get inspired and know where you are going to go on a story and then procrastinate over telling the tale. I have a “Running away” type story on my mind that I’ve typed 10 manuscript pages for but I’m procrastinating — again — over finishing it up. Maybe I need to do something with the music on my computer — bettter organize it — so I’m not as distracted any more over it while I try to write?
Der Stonegauge…. Have you had your ‘Gauge today? 😉
Ah well, thought is your enemy and thought is escaping me at this point.
Equilibrium
As of starting this writing, there are a lot of things that are going through my head right now that I wanted to enter in here, but at the same time I need to give some order to the chaos, right? First things first, second things second and all that… right?
The first thing is the balance of the soul — Equilibrium.
Actually, I’m not writing about balance directly or about Libra or about the soul and all that deep shit that I could get into right now. Instead I’m writing about the movie Equilibrium with Christian Bale. Now I’ve talked about wanting to see The Matrix Re-Woah-ded and seeing I haven’t, this makes one very acceptable substitute in my mind. No bullet time and the action sequences weren’t as sped up as The Matrix, but the idea of Gun Kata (a martial art that makes the gun as lethal as a sword) and this 1984 / Fahrenheit 451 / The Matrix inspired film was excellent in it’s own right.
The premise of this film that got my attention the most, however, was the emotion=crime / war / man’s destruction premise. I couldn’t feel Sunday morning besides sorrow or numbness. I started watching the movie and I could identify with Bale encountering emotion for what was probably the first (or a fresh) time. It was like me receiving sound again by way of the ABI in
2001… He is overcome by trivial things such as a sunrise and other emotions and it’ s… just powerful. Of course they could have overkilled that (or maybe it would have been proper?) by showing more imagery like that — having the character just staring at something we take for granted every day and finding emotion (pleasure) in it? That would have been strong too.
As things go, I’ve got 2 papers I may very well use for my 2nd Assignment with der Long Ridge. I’m waiting to hear from my instructor, Lou Fisher, about a question that I had concerning the paper and hopefully that will be soon. I’m also waiting for Sarah Evanchalk to get back to me with regards to the stories — I sent them both to her for her to critique.
Speaking of stories, I’m also waiting for someone to get back to me on a story I touched on a few days ago on here. I think it’s a good story but it could be cleaned up a bit.. And I long to be able to piece together some of the things I touched on with this story by starting another portion of the thing.. I know, I know – vague, but it’ll become apparent soon enough I hope.
I’m also thinking things I shouldn’t be – or I had been thinking things I shouldn’t be. Now I have regrets and I started believing things that aren’t true any more. Talk about a fucking roller coaster with emotions.. And also another vagueness that I apologize to the masses for reading. The person who that would mean something won’t even see this, so it’s not like I’m doing anything by publishing it.
Oh well, more ttomorrow – got stuff on my mind and got time to write.
Dated Material
Whoa.
Taking a casual aquaintence out for a date was something I haven’t done which seems sad and pathetic but when it’s someone off the internet – you must be careful. Tonight I had my first true experience with it and I am not regretting it in the least bit.
In fact, I’m trying my Freud to see what it means. It was conversation , it was hanging out, it was a link to the past and what could have — no SHOULD have – been if I had some nerve several years ago and did what I should have done and asked out a more than casual aquaintence because of my feelings for her.
It’s not that things clicked especially well — I was my usual self and I was just meeting this girl for the first time in reality. It was the nostalgia I had when I got to watching this girl and seeing her reactions and mannerisms and…
This isn’t the past. This isn’t who I was comparing this girl to. It was a totally seperate being with totally seperate plans for life and totally seperate goals. Someone that I am just getting to know. Not someone I knew. Someone I want to know more about – maybe need to know more about.
Anyway, she wants to hang out again sometimes soon — which is cool by me. Danny-boy wants to hang out when he is down here. Maybe a group outing would be a way to go about things? We’ll see.
Yes, this makes it easier for me to understand some people’s actions – but doesn’t forgive them one iota for their cowardice or Selfish at the same time. I imagine at one point you’re going to think “I guess he doesn’t want to talk to me…” That’s not quite the truth — you haven’t even tried to be a friend to me or make amends as a friend. That might work with the Erie lot (just put it off, it’ll go away) but it doesn’t work in the real world. Why should I talk to you if you’re going to act like you did nothing wrong in how you broke the news to me, or act in general like you don’t want to talk to me? Two negatives don’t make a positive.
For the sake of posting 2
Hi Kids, I’m back around. For those of you expecting Jerry Lewis, I regret to inform you that he wouldn’t be caught dead with me 😛
So yes, I am making a full entry into this web journal no matter how little it means to people. Isn’t it grand to have John back? Don’t you wish he would just go the hell away again?
Yeah, I’m in such a CHEERFUL mood 🙄
As many of you know I have had a pair of crappy months in a row. For personal reasons and for web-related reasons and after my mini vacation (sic) I’m forced to face both foes once again — the social BS and the web related BS.
Now if only I had my writing kick coming back to me….
Crap Unadulterated
Hello my pretties… **laughs of pure evil ensue** 😈
So today was crap. Not just regular crap, but pure, unadulterated crap. The type of crap that will just keep you awake at night when you want to roll over and go to sleep. The kind of crap that will plague a long car trip between point A and point B, causing a 2 hour trip to span 4 hours due to time taken at rest stops in order to let the Crap have it’s way with you.
Yes, Crap rued the day.
Fanhome was giving all 1400+ users on the site a load of crap. The pages were slow, the loading was bothersome. I couldn’t find out if anyone was trying to fix the problem so I threw my hands up in disgust and left the site. The trade deadline in Baseball, which caused the huge influx of users today by the way, didn’t even have anything eventful happen with it! Worst trade deadline I can remember… Nothing happened!
While all this was going on (with FanHome) I ran into a girl on Yahoo messenger from Tarpon. She seemed really interested in having a relationship with someone – no I don’t mean just meeting someone and hooking up, I mean she put a note that she wanted something serious and a the M word on her page… The M word is taboo when you are just trying to meet a guy, Ladies. We all know that you want it in the end and (some of us) are happy to oblige but while you are searching for a man, don’t throw out the M word. I’ve met too many girls that wanted to get hitched lickety split and ended up regretting getting involved with the guy in question.
And for the record, I ended up mentioning I had a hearing impairment and I didn’t have another word spoken to me from said girl :-p .
*Sigh* No word from Sonnenschein, Nath and Rosenthal, which I am happy with. Last thing I want to hear is that everything else needs to be brought down because they don’t like the ugly mug on the top of this page. Or the fact they don’t like how I talked to the media after they shit on me.
Crap. Total crap. Totally unadulterated crap! Oh the humanity!
So I’ll send out apologies to my friends for just being me, I’ll send out apologies to my online friends for doing the pity party thing lately, and I’ll send out apologies to you — the readers — for having to trek through my day of Crap
