Tag: record
A Cold December — random venting.
Random Christmas Eve rants —
I hate having to play the dick but that is what happened a littler earlier today – maybe I didn’t exactly play it but listening to someone start falling all over themselves for the umpteenth time and putting themselves into a shit situation — a dick is all I could be.
This very person had remarked about going with your head and not with yoru heart and how things will be nifty right at the start… This person also happened to tell me, a few minutes later, that she was “in love” with an abusive, controlling, insecure prick who wanted to keep her as a possesion and not as a person.
Over a couple of weeks chatting with this girl, I’d feed her logic and a few days later she comes back with “You were right.” And yet her own self-hate, self-loathing and low self-esteem leads her to punish herself… “This is the best I can do.” “I don’t deserve better”, “I’m not good for anythign more.”
🙄
I was also told by this same little girl that I shouldn’t settle for anyone or anything, that I seem like the person who would strive for just what they want… That’s true in a lot of ways but if there is anyone in life that has been resigned to the fact he’s got to settle in the end – its me. You can have personality up the waazoo, you can be sweet and romantic and a really funny guy… You can be selfless or benevolent but it really amounts to shit with people if you got a few things wrong with your person, or don’t meet the market ideal of what a lover should be.
…
And for the record, you don’t write off people and leave them in the cold (or — even worse — confess to avoiding them) at times when they need your friendship… Or to pull that act 3 or 4 tiems and expect continued benevolence. You can’t expect a friend if you can’t be one… but that’s a cold November story so we’ll just leave it be.
…
Maybe someone needs to get typing lessons for Christmas. I type fast and don’t copy edit and what happens? I look like I don’t know how to spell anything (typo after typo).
….
Anyone who tells me they don’t deserve, is full of shit. Anyone who puts up with someone’s abuse is either too in-love or just too insecure to go back to what they had with nothing. Anyone who falls in love with someone else but gets engaged to the guy they are dating just becasue she wasn’t ready to break up yet… Well, that’s just fooling everyone and setting up for problems. You can want to share a bed with someoen but, dear God, you’re REALLY setting up to get screwed by drawing it out like that!
…
And by the way… Bryan? Not that you read my blog but you really shouldn’t get so upset over Liz. Yes there were a few misteps there but give it time, buddy. Just be a friend or try to be and be content with that. Keep your eyes open as well, you never know what else is goign to come along (and actually be clear about their intentions instead of wishy-washy like a middle-school girl.
The Holy Grail? Sha. A find? You bet.
Anyone who knows me knows who my favorite band is… Then again, most of you readers are coming off the search engines and probably don’t know…
Lets just say their were four of them, they were fab, and they revolutionized popular music.
Anyway, you may or may not have heard a little news item that was published today about a huge find in the realm of the Beatles — a long lost suitcase containing a lot of Beatles paraphernalia and rare recordings, possibly once owned by right-hand-man, roadie Mal Evans.. This is being written up by the media as “the holy grail” of finds with regards to finds of Beatles artifacts. The scary thing is that this isn’t the first “holy grail” find over the last 10 years that has supposedly earth shattering effects (by the media’s own take on things).
They found a bunch of stolen recordings from Abbey Road and the White Album. Also they recovered some recordings from eh “Get Back” sessions. At the time both of these were labeled “Holy Grail” finds. None of these trumped, however, the recordings “find” (unlocked recordings) that turned into the Beatles Anthology.
So as a fan, I’m a bit skeptical on how earth shattering this find is. Of course, i would love to hear some of the alleged alternate versions of certain songs contained in the suitcase, but I wouldn’t be surprised if these songs have already made it out as bootlegs.
Abilities and their Inabilities
So John’s an admitted gimp, right?
On his way to recovery and John the Gimp looks into work between little things this week and what happens when I call Abilities of Florida to see if they could assist me with finding a job?
I find out their phone number for TTY users has been disconnected.
OK, that’s good and fine. I can use Voice Carry Over and weird them out because of it. I mean, they’re serving the public, right? I’m a member of the public… So ring-a-ding-ding I give them a call and I get a recording that I need to type in an extension or wait for an operator. I wait and the operator comes on demanding an extension.
Puzzled, I tell them that I am not sure what extension I am looking for because I’m just trying to get information and find out how I can get assistance through this company.
After about 5 minutes of silence the operator responds — asking me again for an extension… :rolleyes
Fun stuff
Respect for him from 9-11 or disdain for the other 3 years on the job?
I was reading about global protests from yesterday’s 1 year anniversary of War in Iraq and, while reading a local article on local protests of the war, came across this gem of a quote that absolutely infuriated me with it’s ignorance:
“Man, did I ever come to the park at the wrong time,” said St. Petersburg resident Carole Hall.
Refuge Ministries’ Rev. Bruce Wright, 42, caught up with Hall as she walked away from the rally. After asking reporters not to talk to her because the media favors her point of view, Wright and Hall engaged in a heated conversation.
“The man has done a tremendous job,” Hall, 62, said of President Bush. “If only they would remember 9/11.”
It’s ignorance like this that really pisses me off when it comes to Americans support for George W. Bush. His administration is nothing when 9-11 isn’t considered and after 9-11? He has been nothing less than terrible. Lets look at the facts of the Bush administration for a moment, just a few bare facts: Hedismissed Richard Clarke’s assertion that there was an imminent terrorist threat and it should be taken seriously (the very cause of 9-11), he has attacked another nation on false pretense (I grew up when Saddam posed a REAL threat to the Middle East back in the late 80’s and early 1990’s), left numerous world treatieslead to their deaths hundreds of United States Armed Service Men and Women (and maimed thousands more) due to the false pretense of war, not to mention the “collateral damage” deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq since 2001), made the world a more hazardous place to live due to environmental laws that promote pollution, and of course how can we forget the corporate terrorism that has been in place since Bush came into power? Enron? Tyco? MCI Woldcom? The RIAA?
Not to mention the economy and the lack of attention to the nation.
So, I am supposed to forgive all of this? Should every American dismiss all of the above (and so much more) and simply look at George W. Bush for how he handled 9-11? Are you insane, Carole Hall, or are you just living in a bubble like so many people in America? :rolleyes
Domain name history?
Just for the record — does anyone know where you can find past registrar history about any domain name (like who owned it and such)?
Just curious….
Nader for Senate
Democrats loathe Ralph Nader (well, some of them do) because of the 2000 election which AL Gore lost because of poor campaigning. Voters looked for an alternative that was closer to their ideals and more of a stark contrast between Gore and Bush and Ralph Nader fit the bill.
I should know, I was one of those disillusioned voters that switched to Nader. Not just because I was tired of the Clinton / Gore scandals, not just because Gore was pandering too much to the swing voters, but also because I had some idea that I could help build the Green Party by getting 5 percent of the vote for their candidate and thus matching funds for 2004.
Mistake.
There is talk that Nader may run for President again in 2004 and I am one of many voters who sent Ralph’s exploration committee a note encouraging him NOT to run for President. The election is too important for a third candidate to play spoiler.
But there is still relevance to the man that is Ralph. There is still aneed for Nader in American Politics…
See, there’s this guy in Connecticut — Ralph’s native state — that has been running for senate the past few years and being successful at it. The problem is this senator – a democrat – is nothing like a democrat in his voting record… Not only that, he isn’t a progressive — he’s a moderate or Bush Lite.
I’m talking about little Joe Lieberman.
In the current state of America, where Democrats are afraid to stand up – Joe Lieberman is an embodiment of Democratic failure. Ralph Nader is an icon of the liberal/progressive kind… Which one will do more for the left politically in Senate?
Ralph ought to be running for Senate.
A stark liberal influence in the senate is what America needs. Washington Democrats are proving to be notorious for acting as the minority and bending to the will of Republicans. Though Nader is not a Democrat or a Green, he is Progressive enough to take stances on issues that would benefit both parties — and America with his votes.
So Ralph, if by some miracle you read this — stay out of the Presidential election… Do America a favor and run for Senate — we’re in need of your influence… But make sure your influence is felt through a election you CAN win, not a farce that only coddles your ego.
Back in Black – the Dodger Boy returns to the Scene of the Crime
Thank you, thank you… Please hold the applause… Please… I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy I’m….
Oh, the hell with it… Who’s clapping anyway? Little Miss Avoidance? Miss I-hooked-up-and-don’t-have-the-nerve-to-say-anything-to-
you-because-my-ties-to-you-are-nil-while-I-am-with-another? Oh yeah, maybe some of my friends who knew how fucked my situation was going into November 26th and know just what the outcome has been might be the ones clapping.
I beat the fucking odds.
I exorcised the fucking demon.
I had my miracle and God slapped me on the back and told me with a good natured grin, “You fell for it, you shit. Now get back in the game.”
I’m home.I can walk, I can talk, and I can type into this fucking blog my rants and raves and all my bullshit once again. I’m ANGRY, I’m HUNGRY, I’m in need of a some venting here and there but this is a GOOD angry, this is a DAMNED good angry. This is an angry I don’t know who the hell would be able to identify with and I don’t know who would even try.
You see, over the summer things got grim. There was this blackness hanging over my life. Everyone around me knew about it, I dreaded it, I loathed it, I was desperate for escape from it. That blackness was all the grim possibilities of my future if things didn’t get corrected.
I went under the knife in August, still in grim shape – still loathing, still scared, still sad, and what happened was I didn’t get shit fixed. Instead of going out and getting my problems washed away – I had more doubts exposed, more bad thoughts brought to the forefront, the dread conquered me and it grew every day from early September till those last weeks of November.
My friends supported me. Those who strung me along wanted to be done with me for there own personal good, others just met me and left me because I had this doubt and this negativity around me. Indeed there was too much negativity around me. There may STILL be negativity around me in the next few weeks as I face adversity and have to come back physically (and emotionall) from what I just went through.
For the record? Fuck negativity.
For the record? Fuck adversity.
Life’s a game and I am back on the playing board. I thought I was just going to be a piece on the side that didn’t get used because life has a way of taking you out of the game. Fuck that. Fuck the idea that I should worry, or I should hurt, or I should doubt I will find something I ma deserving of — be it in love, life, business or whatever. Fuck it all — I WANT IT ALL. I’m going to get it all, and God is going to be on my side as long as I don’t hurt, maim or kill to accomplish that.
I want the challenge. The blackness is gone. The looming sense of dread is gone. I want the challenge of life again. My first is getting my ass back in shape, the next is … well, the next piece I haven’t thought of yet because there are many pieces. It’s also dependent on the first piece of it all.
I posted a “Missing” picture” a few months ago on this very blog… Posting some of my former pictures and asking “Have you seen this boy?” in a mock tribute to Robert Patrick in Terminator 2…. I’ll tell you right now – the cocky and optimistic son of a bitch who founded this site, who got the Beatles balls in an uproar, who’s pissed off the locals with his liberal talk, who’s upset the government with his public votes of incompetence, who’s gone through more pain and hardship than most will experience in their lives — that fucker is me and that fucker is back in charge of the life of John Fontana.
Maybe it’s the drugs talking? Maybe I wake up tomorrow from my bed and try to figure out what is my purpose in life again?
Yeah? Well, what if I wake up tomorrow and I just say “Lets go” and do what I need to do – it’d be the same thing but with a better attitude. I need to accomplish things on my own — Lets go, I gotta get it done. I don’t need to procrastinate, I don’t need to avoid, I don’t need to pussy foot and hide from the problem.
I’m back, ladies and gentlemen….. Time will tell the tale just WTF is in store but I am back. Let it roll, let the sun shine in and all that jazz…
Signifying Nothing
“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle. Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” The Tragedy of McBeth Act V, Scene V
I always loved this soliloquy after Ms. Ciccone at East Lake High School made us memorize it and recite it from the heart. It’s stayed with me these years but it was brought back to my mind only after a trip to http://www.blo.gs
Why did it come back? I don’t know… Why do I like it? Maybe I can see life like how MacBeth states it? It’s just a shadow, a poor player who struts his hour upon the stage and then is never heard again….
The War begins
It’s just past 6 minutes into the Buccaneers vs. Philadelphia Eagles game at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia and I can’t believe the hype coming from the locals and from the national media — it feels like the NFC Title game all over again, yet I doubt a mad contingent will flock to Raymond James Stadium to greet the Buccaneers home after the game.
But seeing replays from last year, hearing quotes and seeing a god game so far has given me chills and brought to life some of my inner passion — which, for the record, doesn’t usually need to be brought to life, thankyouverymuch.
This also signals my escape from the void which has been plaguing me since I got out of the hospital on Wednesday. I haven’t broken down today or concentrated on the negative, and yet the negative remains and my heart is heavy with grief — gripping at air for the positives that are surely out there in a world that has become a graveyard to me.
Dwelling and Moving on
Sometimes, sosmething or someone pains me. All my close friends know that I’m sensitive about shit and what not… They also know I tend to dwell and that bothers them. That bothers me in some ways looking at it long and hard.
Some of the poetry on this very site I wrote while dwelling on the good and the bad, the wants and the hurt with people. Dwelling leads to a lot of inspiration for these works, which is a good thing (not saying I want to be hurt, because I’d prefer the dream, but I actually thought it would be better for my writing being hurt again… That note is for the Eerie out there if they’re reading)…. But dwelling seems to be bothering a lot of people and myself included.
Time heals all wounds… Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get the fuck over it and all that jazz… it just doesn’t work with me.
I dwell on details with people, I dwell on the feeling, the emotion, the pain — or even the euphoria when I feel it. The happiness… but it’s with who I’m feeling those things with that I dwell on – not the events specifically. I could name five events where I got hurt badly emotionally but I couldn’t tell you specifically when I last went hysterical laughing with someone I cared for, or 5 specific times i made someone lose control of themselves with making them happy or laugh or whatever. (ah, memories – i can think of one specific instance off the top of my head).
Actually that’s not quite the truth – it’s just the negative comes out easier than the positive… The negative leaves a more lasting impact than the positive. That’s human nature though. There are plenty of instances that enjoyment / mutual laughter I have had with friends and family but those don’t stand out as monuments so much as negative things. I can think of positive things that stand out as monuments with people but those monuments are faulty idols now from a long-extinct tribes of the world, or so it feels.
I don’t want to dwell on the negative things I could think, I want to move on, I want to move away… Yet, how? How can I?
At the same time I don’t want to hurt anyone trying to get my own personal escape and move on through another, only to toss them away when I’m over things. I’d rather carry my pain than bestow it on another person. I’m “messed up” like that… I care where other people say they don’t.
I care too much, for god sake… I talk to a friend off and on all day yesterday and today and I feel funky, if not upset, when I find out she’s got a guy friend over her place? Why do I take it so personal? Just my own selfishness? My own idealistic dream that someone woudl want to hang out with me?
I don’t want to be aloof in life. I don’t want to close off my heart to everyone except a select few… Yet I don’t want to carry un-needed burdens like this.
For the record, I don’t think I did when I was truly happy — but right now I’m not, and I don’t know how to get there from here.
Crap Unadulterated
Hello my pretties… **laughs of pure evil ensue** 😈
So today was crap. Not just regular crap, but pure, unadulterated crap. The type of crap that will just keep you awake at night when you want to roll over and go to sleep. The kind of crap that will plague a long car trip between point A and point B, causing a 2 hour trip to span 4 hours due to time taken at rest stops in order to let the Crap have it’s way with you.
Yes, Crap rued the day.
Fanhome was giving all 1400+ users on the site a load of crap. The pages were slow, the loading was bothersome. I couldn’t find out if anyone was trying to fix the problem so I threw my hands up in disgust and left the site. The trade deadline in Baseball, which caused the huge influx of users today by the way, didn’t even have anything eventful happen with it! Worst trade deadline I can remember… Nothing happened!
While all this was going on (with FanHome) I ran into a girl on Yahoo messenger from Tarpon. She seemed really interested in having a relationship with someone – no I don’t mean just meeting someone and hooking up, I mean she put a note that she wanted something serious and a the M word on her page… The M word is taboo when you are just trying to meet a guy, Ladies. We all know that you want it in the end and (some of us) are happy to oblige but while you are searching for a man, don’t throw out the M word. I’ve met too many girls that wanted to get hitched lickety split and ended up regretting getting involved with the guy in question.
And for the record, I ended up mentioning I had a hearing impairment and I didn’t have another word spoken to me from said girl :-p .
*Sigh* No word from Sonnenschein, Nath and Rosenthal, which I am happy with. Last thing I want to hear is that everything else needs to be brought down because they don’t like the ugly mug on the top of this page. Or the fact they don’t like how I talked to the media after they shit on me.
Crap. Total crap. Totally unadulterated crap! Oh the humanity!
So I’ll send out apologies to my friends for just being me, I’ll send out apologies to my online friends for doing the pity party thing lately, and I’ll send out apologies to you — the readers — for having to trek through my day of Crap
