Tag: odd
Fay-zed out
OK, it was cute leading up to the week how worked up people were getting about the storm. It was a tad annoying being told Armageddon was upon us and we had to be prepared, but it was cute in it’s anxiety breeding ways.
But here we are, Friday, and Fay still hasn’t left the state of Florida. Oh, she’s finally over the ocean again but technically? She’s still here… I mean, those are Florida waters.
And I must say: as a 20 year resident of Florida, following the likes of storms both tropical, non-tropical, frontal, and just standard summer storms… I have never seen a storm take such an abrupt, hard turn before:
Fay -- on Radar -- from Monday (August 18) thru Firday (August 22)
Where the money is coming from
While it isn’t an FEC filing, it is rather telling to see how certain Democratic presidential candidates are doing with online fundraising through ActBlue. Actblue, for the uninitiated, is a Democratic clearinghouse that takes donations for all National Democratic candidates (and some state ones as well). While it isn’t anything more than another fundraising source, it also represents the people and the Netroots.
John Edwards leads the charge, having been in campaign mode since the end of the John Kerry campaign… He’s earned over a million dollars through the Act Blue service. Bill Richardson – also a long time suspected candidate — is next on the list with 288 thousand dollars to his name.
Wes Clark, Howard Dean, Al Gore — all undeclared or just flat out not running — have a few thousand to their name… And while Mike Gravel and Chris Dodd are the ones who are oh-fer ActBlue, it’s Hillary Clinton’s numbers that should send a message to people…
Hillary, who keeps getting named the front runner because of her recognizability (or her last name) has earned $81. Eighty One dollars.
There are pundits on the right who think Democrats are clamoring for HRC to be the nominee, and there are media pundits who think Hillary is a shoe in… Yet if the Internet community — the activists who are vocal online — aren’t showing their support financially for Hillary, then why are they going to show their support with their votes for her next year during the primaries?
Just saying. It’s known Hillary is not big with the online community, but she still is the big name in the field unless Al Gore were to enter the fray (which I don’t think will happen, sadly).
A little strange…
I laughed my ass off over this because I’m a sodding American who never saw Hugh Laurie performing comedy…
Writing re-assurance
I haven’t tried this in a long time – the last story I published in part on this blog was never competed (“Peter’s Problem” just rambles on and on) and never got any opinions on pieces fo the story I DID publish.
At any rate, I told people about this story in an earlier entry… There is no title to it as it stands right now and it’s just a few hundred words… Let me know what you think if you think anything about it… Just click on more to view it.
Fontana MD
So I’m sitting down, watching the opening minutes of House last night on FOX and end up going hysterical over the fact that House drugged his former lovers husband and called the paramedics before he even arrived… It just seemed so funny and prick-ish and just perfect for Greg House (Hugh Laurie, who hath erased the mockery of his abilities that was his role in the Stuart Little movies were).
My older brother walks in on me to see why I am laughing so hard, and once i explained to him his face lit up a bit and he started relating to me how he loves the show… and so do his friends who call him House when they see him….
Mike’s always been weird in one way or another and I started thinking about the comparison between him and Greg House. House is distant, he’s bitingly sarcastic, shrewd, genius, cold… Mike is… Well, Mike is all of those things, except he’ll smile more often than House, he’ll joke more often than House (for the good of humor, not out of sarcastic desire).
Mike IS Greg House.
I’ve known women who’ve wanted to grab the mystery for themselves with Mike. You can’t quite imagine women wanting House but the mystery about him is there…. Helping to drive Dr. Cameron unsuccessfully towards him.
It’s odd, first my brother happens to look like David Duchovney… Now he happens to be like Greg House. What’s next? He starts making as much money as (insert movie star here)?
To vBB or not to vBB, that is the question
I have an odd Dilema with Baseball Boards. I have a very limited number of posters and lack of reputation under the current name. The lack of posting is hurting just as much as the lack of members is hurting.
That being said, I’m still playing with the idea of what could improve things and improve member additions to the site.
The site merger is all but nixed — too much uncertainty and too much negative outlook. Too little control. What I am toying with to bide the time, however,is to have vBulletin put onto the site instead of phpBB. VBulletin gives a better look to the forums and mroe functionality. PHPBB is open source, hackable… Extra spamable.
I need to ask around if I should make the switch… Its just a thought right now – and it will set me back 90 bucks at least.
For postierity
I wrote this poem with one person in mind and it’s odd that it has come true in every faccet.
….well, almost everything… until now.
Things might just be a scare but if not, it’s a serious issue has come up that coudl force a loss…. And no offense, but you were bound for it… Just because you reap what you sow.
Designated Hitter and USA Today
Heads up, sports fan… I might be mentioned in USA Today in an upcoming article about the Designated Hitter. I was talking to writer Mike Dodd about the DH last week and… well, it appears that later this summer (after the Olympics in Greece) there will be an article featuring m’self talking about the Designated Hitter.
Stranger in a strange land
So the Lightning have one last game this season, and that last game is the true title game as the Stanley Cup Champion will be crowned after this game.
And Keith is heading down here tonight and will be arriving early tomorrow morning in Tampa to catch the game and stay a couple of day sin Tampa Bay.
It”s odd enough for me to deal with the fact the Lightning are playing for the Stanley Cup, it’s been a wild last couple of days and last couple of weeks as I have had several things change around me — which I never blogged in here .
But now I have to play International Host which I have never done before. Hell, i have never traveled by myself and can’t fathom how Keith is doing it – flying from Calgary to Tampa… I feel some insecurities because I’m still a gimp for the most part and he wants to take in some events here in Tampa and o course i want to show him around too… And doing that by car isn’t exactly how I planned it.
ON one hand, I wan tot meet him and show him the beauty of Florida before the Bolts kick the shit out of the Flames (and after :tongue) :biggrin, and on the other hand – now I know the feeling that others might feel when they are told someone is going to be visiting their neck of the woods to almost specifically meet.
But then again – it’s immaturity to look for a escape route – which I’ve seen in the past. Which I’ve participated in, in the past.
Repeat Offender
Odd I post this twice in a year.
This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend
The end –
Of our elaborate plans
The end –
Of everything that stands
The end –
No safety nor surprise
The end –
I’ll never look into your eyes again
Can you picture what will be,
So limitless and free?
Desperately in need
Of some stranger’s hand
In a desperate land?
—
This is the end my beautiful friend
This is the end my only friend
It hurts so much to set you free
But you’ll never follow me
The end –
Of laughter and soft lies
The end –
Of nights we tried to die
This is the End
— Taken from The End by James Douglas Morrison
© 1967 The Doors Music Company
Still appropriate a year later. The fact I’m not playing the crutch again signifies the relevance.
A day of Ups and Downs
I’ve been torn this evening on my mood for the day as it has changed over and over again from positive to negative to positive again. I’ve been walking around without the walker today – and when I say that I don’t mean walking and leaning on shit but walking walking a weird walk that was almost toddler like but I was doing it. That had me stoked to no end….
But then the other shoe fell as I got a message from my friend Michelle. Michelle has been a friend for a year now and it came as news to me, and as quite a shock when I found out that she will be moving to Brooksville in July as her family just bought land up there. I’m friend with her dad too and the fact we talk online mostly means I won’t have that relationship bothered much but to lose Michelle hurts.
Of course, this was made up for to me in the smallest of ways as the Lightning beat the Islanders and moved on to the 2nd round of the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs… But that really doesn’t help me feel better that a good friend is going away.
Melody and Regret
A couple of days ago, I was flipping around the tube and came across a Beach Boys biopic I had originally seen when I was younger, called Summer Dreams, which I got lucky enough to turn on just as the British Invasion was beginning (1964).
I got to come across Brian Wilson’s anxiety and his musical genius that I had been aware of from quotes but hadn’t thought of much besides what I had heard and liked as a child — which is odd because some of the music is much more complex an innovative than the Beatles stuff and I had never given it a second thought (example: The introduction to California Girls).
I’ve had a song in my head since I watched the movie and I would love to be able to provide streaming audio of the music to share with everyone because of how beautiful the song can be — but alas, until I figure out how to do that, i can only share with you the lyrics. It’s a stirring and haunting melody with harmonies in multiple layers…. It was part of the Pet Sound album (which George Martin claimed, “If it wasn’t for Pet Sounds, there would be no Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band)…
Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the song I haven’t been able to get out of my head — or stop pulling at my heart (as was the case with Dennis Wilson in Summer Dreams
God Only Knows
I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I’ll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I’d be without you
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
Troubled Waters
Something’s been bothering me for a while and I have put off talking about it in here for the sake of being a lazy shit – I’ve planned to write about it for a while but I just haven’t gotten around to doing it. It’s something that affects my family – or at least a member of my family – directly while the rest of my family is affected by it indirectly.
(Side positive note – at least it’s not a problem I am facing that is coming down on the rest of my family…. For a change :tongue )
No, this problem is affecting Andy directly. My younger brother who lives on his own with his girlfriend and her two kids. And even with this problem, it’s not Andy himself who is inflicted with the problem – he’s just the one who has to carry part of the blunt weight of this problem on his shoulders.
You see, Andy’s girlfriend’s son, Austin, has a bit of a problem right now… Something inside isn’t right and I don’t mean some type of disease like I have – but emotionally and possibly mentally not right. He has always pissed me off a bit for not understanding me and the fact I can’t understand him, he’s always come off a little hyper as well and I figured like “that”, you know?
But, and I am not fully aware of what is going on so believe me when I say this can be very inaccurate… Austin is having “rages” of sorts. He’s four years old and, instead of temper tantrums, he is going into fits of kicking, screaming, biting, clawing and such and then when it’s over he has no memory of what happened. Someone suggested the kid might be bi-polar at four-years-old?
And I experienced some of his oddities last time he was over here that sorta pissed me off at the time. He woke me up as I was taking a nap — staring at me and just making me notice him… He also went into hiding in my brother’s empty bedroom… Hiding behind the door. I noticed he was there and I started asking him why he was there. No response. No, he just started shutting the door and I wanted to know what was up. The kids (Austin and his sister, Elizabeth) aren’t supposed to be upstairs when they aren’t with someone… I asked, he pushed the door closed. I pushed back and he pushed harder. Now, the only problem with this is I am the gimpy one right now — still rehabbing and such…
I ended up getting pissed off and just shouting, “Fine kid! Fine!” I was already upset with how I had been “treated” that night and wanted no part of finding out what was going on with Austin….
But now I feel real bad if he is really… unstable? Not just for Austin himself (being one that knows the troubles of growing up afflicted) but for Andy and his GF. It’s a load of weight for him to carry on his shoulders at 23 and I certainly wou8ldn’t want to be in that situation…
I pray that he can get through it and come out on top.
"Lost in" Understanding
Maybe it’s just me and I understand artsy-fartsy better than others?
Maybe it was because I wasn’t listening as-so-much reading the dialog, but I happened to enjoy Sophia Coppola’s Lost in Translation starring Bill Murray as an out of place American.
The entire premise of the movie is that – being out of place. Be it physical location, be it where you are in life or whatever – being out of place or not understanding your surroundings and trying to cope is what Lost In Translation basically amounts to.
Now, for those ho can deal with the artsy-fartsy, for those who can deal with less dialog and more imagery — this is a worthy movie for you. For those of you who can’t go on that, who can’t thrive on the social – it’s not a film for you. My father gave a firm thumbs down to the movie before even finishing it. Why? “Nothing Happens” was the excuse given. Indeed – nothing does happen. No slap-stick comedy, no bombs going off, no one liners, no thrills… It’s nothing you would expect Bill Murray to star in, nor is it something that you expect to headline the local multi-plex. It’s hard to understand if you are expecting a show that gets you interested right away with something happening or with a certain image – the image of Murray being driven to the hotel from the airport doesn’t exactly pull you in…. and obviously it didn’t pull my father in….
Lost is certainly Academy Award fodder and I have to hope both Sophia Coppola and Bill Murray can pull in awards for this… Of course, I am also pulling for a certain Hobbit-like director to take home a best-director Oscar, so it’ll be a very interesting finish to this award season.
Nader for Senate
Democrats loathe Ralph Nader (well, some of them do) because of the 2000 election which AL Gore lost because of poor campaigning. Voters looked for an alternative that was closer to their ideals and more of a stark contrast between Gore and Bush and Ralph Nader fit the bill.
I should know, I was one of those disillusioned voters that switched to Nader. Not just because I was tired of the Clinton / Gore scandals, not just because Gore was pandering too much to the swing voters, but also because I had some idea that I could help build the Green Party by getting 5 percent of the vote for their candidate and thus matching funds for 2004.
Mistake.
There is talk that Nader may run for President again in 2004 and I am one of many voters who sent Ralph’s exploration committee a note encouraging him NOT to run for President. The election is too important for a third candidate to play spoiler.
But there is still relevance to the man that is Ralph. There is still aneed for Nader in American Politics…
See, there’s this guy in Connecticut — Ralph’s native state — that has been running for senate the past few years and being successful at it. The problem is this senator – a democrat – is nothing like a democrat in his voting record… Not only that, he isn’t a progressive — he’s a moderate or Bush Lite.
I’m talking about little Joe Lieberman.
In the current state of America, where Democrats are afraid to stand up – Joe Lieberman is an embodiment of Democratic failure. Ralph Nader is an icon of the liberal/progressive kind… Which one will do more for the left politically in Senate?
Ralph ought to be running for Senate.
A stark liberal influence in the senate is what America needs. Washington Democrats are proving to be notorious for acting as the minority and bending to the will of Republicans. Though Nader is not a Democrat or a Green, he is Progressive enough to take stances on issues that would benefit both parties — and America with his votes.
So Ralph, if by some miracle you read this — stay out of the Presidential election… Do America a favor and run for Senate — we’re in need of your influence… But make sure your influence is felt through a election you CAN win, not a farce that only coddles your ego.
Infighting on the Left
In the last few days, I’ve been taken for another political roller coaster from the left side of the political spectrum. I happen to be a liberal/progressive and that makes me vote Democrat / Green and support those candidates.
My regular readers should know this, my friends should be aware of this… Same with my allegiance to Howard Dean – it’s no secret.
What is a secret, or is something that I have touched on before but haven’t ranted about here on the Stonegauge, is that I am also in this crossroads politically. I have been there this summer after an incident with the local Green Party and I am there again because of national and local Democrats as well as the local Green Party.
Lets go back to Monday and Tuesday and Howard Dean getting an endorsement from former Veep Al Gore. This was a huge blow to others participating in the Democratic Primaries coming up, and none of them could muster enough nerve, during a debate Tuesday night, to actually raise their hand when Ted Koppel asked the group if Dean could beat George W. Bush.
Sour grapes, that is understandable for the most part – but it’s a continuing trend.
I have read today in the St. Petersburg Times Ed/Op – Letters To the Editor section that Gore’s endorsement should be considered “the Kiss of Death” for Howard Dean. I have seen others complain of Gore’s “betrayal” of Joe Lieberman… Forget the fact that Lieberman hasn’t won anyone over and just comes off as a nice guy for the most part – but hardly someone you want to lead you into a battle.
For some reason, these smallish grudges – Lieberman being snubbed by Gore, other candidates not believing in Dean because they hadn’t gotten major endorsements, etc — all just mystified the Democratic party to me. Why so much disdain for one another when everyone in the party is supposed to be working for the common goal of trying to improve America?
OK, lets take this to the local front now. The St. Petersburg Times letter section today probably put me in a defensive mood to begin with (though most letters were positive about the Dean / Gore endorsement). It put me on the defensive specifically because someone had brought up (as I mentioned above) the infighting among Democrats. I came online to check my email and got to read a local democrat putting down local Greens / Kurt Gratzol’s “tree Hugger” house party that he hosts every couple of weeks. The email in question talked about how Kurt and others at his parties (usual Greens) were just there to be brought back to the Democratic Party and actually using the term “Tree Hugger” wasn’t going to help their (Democrats) cause of trying to lure people back to the Democratic Party.
This ticked me off because, for the second time, I witnessed someone who was too concerned with the Democratic party give a care if he insulted another progressive/liberal. The email writer also didn’t / doesn’t seem to grasp the point that there is a difference between the Democratic Party and the Green Party and that the Democratic Party’s own actions is most likely the reason any Green has “broken off” away from the Dems in the first place.
A Green is still a liberal.
A Green is still a progressive.
A Green is an ally – not someone that needs to be “brought back” to the Democratic Party. You can go to them and vote for them just as much as they will probably vote Dem. in a general election where a Green candidate isn’t running. Why, in gods name, do you have to make a case for “bringing them back” into the fold? Or have to post an insult with regards to their politics in making your case that you are lobbying to get these people “back” to the Democratic party?
So where do I sit now? I don’t know. I am a leftist-progressive. I believe in the best in people… Yet it seems every opportunity the Left has to further make me feel comfortable, or make me feel tied to one party or another on the left, they screw it up in some way or another.
For instance, this summer when I was “forced out” of the local Green Party… I was called a “rubber spined…coward” for backing Howard Dean and believing the 2004 election was too important to vote for Principled Idealism. I had already grown disillusioned with local Greens because there was too much loony-left rhetoric, along with them lobbying for a Green presidential candidate (2004 is TOO IMPORTANT to the nation to have a split left vote again!)… This was the last straw when I was called a coward for not standing up to some ideal value of a candidate…
So I was no longer a Green.
I embrace Howard Dean and have met some very cool people through the Dean campaign so far, and will likely meet more as things continue to move ahead… But at the same time, I had posted about my Dean/Green incident and that inspired at least one nutcase to go and give me some grief for ever having been tied to the Green Party. Why? He was still pissed off over 2000 and just had to take a pock-shot at someone that actually voted for Ralph Nader.
Instead of welcoming a new supporter, or trying to make someone feel comfortable in political surroundings, this guy wants to coddle his own insecurities and ego by attacking and making snide remarks. GREAT way to win support :rolleyes
The infighting among the left can and will become the cause of defeat in 2004 unless the Democrats stop being such weak-willed cowards, stop being such infighting fools and start uniting for greater purpose. Stop trying to tear down the other guy because he doesn’t fit your ideal or doesn’t follow your beat in every step and start thinking about the bigger picture.
The bigger picture is what’s at stake — the very beacon of hope that the United States used to be. Why make a fuss over such petty things in politics and not just UNITE and CONQUER for the greater good of every citizen in the US and the world?
It’s not like this Ad does anything to stop my concerns about the Left vs. the Left either
Back in Black – the Dodger Boy returns to the Scene of the Crime
Thank you, thank you… Please hold the applause… Please… I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy I’m….
Oh, the hell with it… Who’s clapping anyway? Little Miss Avoidance? Miss I-hooked-up-and-don’t-have-the-nerve-to-say-anything-to-
you-because-my-ties-to-you-are-nil-while-I-am-with-another? Oh yeah, maybe some of my friends who knew how fucked my situation was going into November 26th and know just what the outcome has been might be the ones clapping.
I beat the fucking odds.
I exorcised the fucking demon.
I had my miracle and God slapped me on the back and told me with a good natured grin, “You fell for it, you shit. Now get back in the game.”
I’m home.I can walk, I can talk, and I can type into this fucking blog my rants and raves and all my bullshit once again. I’m ANGRY, I’m HUNGRY, I’m in need of a some venting here and there but this is a GOOD angry, this is a DAMNED good angry. This is an angry I don’t know who the hell would be able to identify with and I don’t know who would even try.
You see, over the summer things got grim. There was this blackness hanging over my life. Everyone around me knew about it, I dreaded it, I loathed it, I was desperate for escape from it. That blackness was all the grim possibilities of my future if things didn’t get corrected.
I went under the knife in August, still in grim shape – still loathing, still scared, still sad, and what happened was I didn’t get shit fixed. Instead of going out and getting my problems washed away – I had more doubts exposed, more bad thoughts brought to the forefront, the dread conquered me and it grew every day from early September till those last weeks of November.
My friends supported me. Those who strung me along wanted to be done with me for there own personal good, others just met me and left me because I had this doubt and this negativity around me. Indeed there was too much negativity around me. There may STILL be negativity around me in the next few weeks as I face adversity and have to come back physically (and emotionall) from what I just went through.
For the record? Fuck negativity.
For the record? Fuck adversity.
Life’s a game and I am back on the playing board. I thought I was just going to be a piece on the side that didn’t get used because life has a way of taking you out of the game. Fuck that. Fuck the idea that I should worry, or I should hurt, or I should doubt I will find something I ma deserving of — be it in love, life, business or whatever. Fuck it all — I WANT IT ALL. I’m going to get it all, and God is going to be on my side as long as I don’t hurt, maim or kill to accomplish that.
I want the challenge. The blackness is gone. The looming sense of dread is gone. I want the challenge of life again. My first is getting my ass back in shape, the next is … well, the next piece I haven’t thought of yet because there are many pieces. It’s also dependent on the first piece of it all.
I posted a “Missing” picture” a few months ago on this very blog… Posting some of my former pictures and asking “Have you seen this boy?” in a mock tribute to Robert Patrick in Terminator 2…. I’ll tell you right now – the cocky and optimistic son of a bitch who founded this site, who got the Beatles balls in an uproar, who’s pissed off the locals with his liberal talk, who’s upset the government with his public votes of incompetence, who’s gone through more pain and hardship than most will experience in their lives — that fucker is me and that fucker is back in charge of the life of John Fontana.
Maybe it’s the drugs talking? Maybe I wake up tomorrow from my bed and try to figure out what is my purpose in life again?
Yeah? Well, what if I wake up tomorrow and I just say “Lets go” and do what I need to do – it’d be the same thing but with a better attitude. I need to accomplish things on my own — Lets go, I gotta get it done. I don’t need to procrastinate, I don’t need to avoid, I don’t need to pussy foot and hide from the problem.
I’m back, ladies and gentlemen….. Time will tell the tale just WTF is in store but I am back. Let it roll, let the sun shine in and all that jazz…
Common Sense is not that common
I’m guessing that very few people who read this know who I am, so please allow me to introduce myself: My name is Keith (no, really) and I live in Calgary, AB. I’m Canadian, eh? No doot aboot it. I work as a field tech, which means I travel. A lot.
I’ve seen a lot of odd things in my travels. But an incident that occured two weeks ago takes the cake. In the parking lot of the store I was working at, a man chased a hat that blew off his head, underneath a moving semi, with predictable results.
Just like that, a life snuffed out, all for a baseball cap. I didnt see the incident itself, but everything after. The failed attempt at life support, and the shocked reaction of everyone around.
Seriously, what causes a man to run under a moving truck?
The scary part? It was submitted to the darwinawards.com website, and REJECTED because it is too common an occurance.
Man is a dumb, dumb, dumb animal…
Last hours
I feel odd tonight. Very much alone even though I’ve heard from friends – some of them – and had gotten in touch with Andy (my younger brother) who I don’t get to talk to as much since he moved out of the house…
Something’s missing… Maybe it’s just because I’ve been through this shit twice before in the last year and there was something that came up each time and it didn’t come up at the same time…
*sigh*
I don’t know what to say and I don’t know to stay silent. There is no joy in silence – that much I have learned. There is joy in laughter but there is no joy when the laughter is held back because the ache is too apparent. There are no smiles when the grim is hanging over you and there are only so many things you can do before you go slowly insane with worry and fear.
So, John Fontana, Neurofibrometosis Type 2 sufferer, will be going of the air again for the second time in only a few months. The Stonegauge falling silent may or may not happen – tht depends on certain people who I have entrusted this page to.
Why do I want the page to go on — even if it’s mundane stuff being reported about people’s private lives? Because the point of the Stonegauge, since I was originally broken hearted in March of this year, was to stay drunk on writing in a way to escape the day to day… Finding words sometimes were the only way to get through… I would like tha carried on even if I am not here. I know that isn’t the easiest thing to do, nor is it something desired by those who have done it in the past, but it’s there to do and I am hoping it goes on….
The operation is scheduled for 7:30 AM… It’s supposed to last six hours…. I might be under anesthesia, but these will likely be the longest 6 hours of my life — defining just who I am going to be and what life I will lead for the remainder of my mortal existence…
There is stuff I want to say in closing but alas, they are really empty statements and not true words…. There is a lot of emptiness around… Emptiness that is caused by things out of my hands — beyond my control. Shit happens and all of that…. Who’s to say that’s not true? Decisions that you make – so yourself alone.
Take care, all. A happy and joyous Thanksgiving to those who find this site – and best wishes for the Holidays.
Why John?
Aren’t I the coolest? John told me I could post on his journal today, yippee. :woot So John and I have been sending a couple air messages here and there today, just to check up on each other, since he has decided to take some time off from the web. :wink
My gooddness, such bad manners I have, I forgot to introduce myself. I am thee Melanie, John has mentioned in his blogs here and there. My Blog Any way I am from Nebraska, very far away from John. No sunny beaches for me. :sad Though the humidity is just as bad, or at least close. So the weather here sucks, no biggie. On with me, I am a college graduate, though I don’t think I learned anything useful, or at least that’s my opinion. I am happily engaged to a very strange man. j/k Well at least sometimes he is. I work full time and have a seasonal job, I am a busy girl. From the looks of things maybe not busy enough. So I think that is enough about me now.
It’s my turn to talk about John. :evil I am going to be a bit blunt here. I have known John for about 5 years or so. Seeing him broken down on the inside just makes me sad and angry. First off he has to go through all this surgery and what not. This sucks since he might be in a wheel chair and his parents are being stupid about the whole thing. And then his heart is being torn apart and that really pisses me off since the situation was handled very badly. So in turn John got left with the bad end of the deal, with no resolution. He has been treated badly and doens’t deserve it. He deserves resolution and not the runaround. So any way John is a great person and though we have never met I sincerely care for him.
Good luck John with the surgery and all. *HUGS*
A day
Bill Erickson’s sister is having labor induced… Her second daughter is due to arrive sometime today and I am feeling odd because I am surrounded (not really) by women having kids right now.
My cousin is due to have a baby in the next few days as well. Both of these women were due on the exact same day — October 14th…
And speaking of birthdays… you’re only a day away…. *sigh* :sad
I Will
Back a few years ago, I went ahead and bought The White Album (this was before I lost my hearing) and tried to make heads and tails of it. It was a lot of songs I had never heard before and some of them to this day I have not heard. My main reason for buying the album wasn’t because I heard it was the prime CD at the time for some rockers (which it was, oddly) but becasue of the Paul Is Dead clues that came with the album and certain songs on it (Back in the USSR, Obladi-Oblada).
There was one song I listened to – it was a ballad by John Lennon, which seemed sort of odd because this was John we are talking about, that he wrote to Yoko (everything he was writing at the time went to Yoko) that I found appealing in it’s simplicity and it’s melody. Yet I had the song play in my head sometimes with people I liked or about people I liked and things either didn’t work out or they fell apart. I started to blame the song – does that sound crazy or what? It’s not like any given song can curse a relationship or something like that…
Yet I still blamed the song and if I ever started thinking of it I would shun it from my mind because I took it as a kiss of death for things and oddly enough it seemed to be.
Yet I think of the lyrics now and look at the words themselves and think to my life and wonder if the reason things didn’t work out was because the past girls didn’t fit what the lyrics said? Or maybe I’m thinking too much if I have a song on my mind with people anyway?
What happens with someone who comes into my life does fit the lyrics and my thoughts mirror those of lyrics? I’ve been wondering that when the song popped into my head earlier this week… I haven’t fought it off like in the past. Maybe that explains the current? Then again, maybe I just need a bit of Faith to understand that song lyrics don’t influence the course of life and that I should just let things play out?
I Will (Lennon/McCartney)
Who knows how long I’ve loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to–I will.For if I ever saw you
I didn’t catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we’re together
Love you when we’re apart.And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
You know I will
I will.
Humility
This entry has a dual purpose because there’s an anecdote from the hospital that I’ve failed to report in here and there was something that happened today (that I already bitched to someone about) that just really made me feel like less than I do already.
Lets go back to the Hospital and my immediate recovery in there. I told this story to someone already but I just like it because it’s so strange and at the same time so demeaning.
I got out of post-op and started on my way back to normalcy feeling pretty good despite a little pain from the operation. I was generally in good spirits. Was waiting to hear from a few people on my pager and wanted to take my time before I found out who was going to contact me and stuff. The hospital chaplain came into my room and gave me a blessing, even though I am a very very rotten Catholic. Actually made me feel good, if still awkward with religion.
It may have been a day later when I had two older people — middle age — come into my room and start talking to me. I told them flat out that I couldn’t understand and they were very understanding about it and did what they could to accommodate me. They were Catholic reps and wanted to give me communion and stuff like that. I explained to them my discomfort with religion and instead of trying to lecture me, I got a very understanding response from both of them and told that God loves me anyway. I was offered some literature (religious pamphlets, I assume — if not the bible) and accepted, though I never got those papers from these two. It was another pleasant experience that left me a little more at ease with religion and all that, if still awkward.
Unfortunately that didn’t remain the case. Someone had to screw things up and it happened the day of my discharge where I was made to feel like an it — not a person, just a thing. Some heathen, a poor and tortured soul with no heart or mind.
Some woman came into the room — big teeth, hair down to her chin, and started speaking to me. My mom was in the room at the time and we both tried to explain that I couldn’t hear well so I didn’t know what the woman was saying. Instead of her making any attempt to communicate with me — she just nodded and smiled and started speaking… Saying over and over again (as I found out later) that God Loves me. She didn’t look at me as she spoke these words, and she wasn’t looking to the heavens when she was either. She looked at my hat. She acted like I wasn’t there. She basically made me feel like nothing in her blessings. She single handedly – through her good intentions — endorsed the caricature of religion that I have over the years grown to have.
A week of work, shattered for the Lord. Thank you, ma’am. My mom gasped and laughed at the ridiculous after it happened. All I could do was join her — it was just too outrageous.
What does this accomplish if someone goes out and tries to do something for someone but makes them humiliated in the process? What does it accomplish for either side? You think it leaves you in good standing or makes you feel good in your heart to know you did something while not knowing how terrible you made the other party involved feel? That’s something that has bothered me before when I have gotten less than stellar reactions to gifts or niceties from me – I didn’t want to do something that made someone feel bad (though I may very well have accomplished it without trying to).
Why am I ranting about this?
Well, I had another lesson in humility to night — feeling humiliated — as my darling older brother continued to make me feel less than I already do during my recuperation. I won’t go into details because I’m just not in the mood but I don’t need a mocking head nod from the asshole, nor do I need criticism for making attempts at things to achieve some normalcy in my life, or scornful remarks for trying to go down the stairs and having an accident in the attempt (leg “giving out” under me before I got off the top step). I want to get better, I’d like to get better with help, but god damnit — I don’t need this shit in order to do that. I know this is tough for my family and I have apologized a few times to my parents because of it… Mike, on the other hand, is going past the “Older brother” stage and making me feel like I’m just some inept, incompetent little shit that hinders everything in the household and makes life a living hell for those who live here.
I don’t know folks — I’ll fight on but it doesn’t get any easier when people make you feel less than you are. I already have enough shit that I am up against, I could use support and understanding. I could use an attempt by others to make a connection so I don’t feel like just another member of one’s quota. I could use some understanding and less abrasiveness and arrogance and scornfulness in order to get through this. It’s tough for everybody, but remember it’s toughest for me first (as selfish as that sounds) — I don’t just have to live with these difficulties, I have to live with the knowledge I am passing on all this pain to my loved ones and firends…. It’s not a burden I would want anyone to carry.
In one ear and out the other
It’s odd how many thoughts I had ready to jot down as a journal entry last night as I was enshrouded by insomnia — politics, random babble, defense of insecurities, attacking paranoia’s, etc, etc, etc….
And all of them have fallen out of my head and become chewing gum on the sidewalk of life — unable to be resurrected.
SO why am I typing up these trivial journal entries right now? I’m wondering that myself, I know others wondered that during their tenures on Der Stonegauge and I know others that read this journal probably get to that point where they wonder “What the hell is supposed to be entertaining about this?”
Well, it’s not for you (depending who is reading this), it’s for me.
That’s something I keep forgetting when it comes to writing down stuff — it was an escape from a lot of vileness and a lot of pain for a time and I am indulged by the pain and the vileness once again. The only problem is my collected thoughts that should make up something entertaining when amassed as written words amount to jack shit right now. And I hate Jack Shit, his breath smells.
I watched The Two Towers today and I was fairly disappointed at how the story turned. I mean, certain suspicions of mine were confirmed and other parts of the story just didn’t hold me like The Fellowship Of The Ring did. SO much going on, spread out, and so little time to tell the tale…
Then again, maybe I am just too f’n harsh on movies?
I also saw another Occupational Therapist today. I’ve seen 3 who have critiqued me in certain things since I got out of the hospital last week. This guy had me doing routine, trivial stuff and you know what? My legs couldn’t take it. Shortly after he left, I collapsed on the floor — my leg giving out much like it had just after I saw The Matrix Reloaded.
But in a lot of ways — it was GOOD that happened. Every time I’ve been working with someone, the tasks put in front of me have failed to challenge me. This guy made it difficult in a assessing way and I needed to put myself to task with his requests.
Question for anyone who wants to answer: Do you do something that another person seems fickle in response to, or wait until they show more enthusiasm (if ever) about the idea?
Beddy Bye
Well, today’s moving day for thousands — if not millions — of teens and young adults as they go out to college and start their higher education career and a new life in general. Tonight for some (such as a few friends of mine — Terrable, Sarah) are sleeping in their own beds for the last time for weeks or months.
Actually, it’s their last night to be able to use the term “my own bed” period. As of tomorrow – it’s not your bed any more. Does that sound odd? Or feel odd? It’s not supposed to, I’m not trying to put a scare into anyone, but tomorrow is end of one part of your life that they’ve known and the beginning of another. Where home will not feel the same in the not-too-distant future when they return there, and their bed – though comfortable compared to what they had in the past — just doesn’t feel the same for one reason or another.
It’s not your own bed any more. It used to be your bed, alas, no more. Your bed is in your apartment or the one in your dorm. Some day it’ll be something else when you further move out on your own to some place and time that isn’t the here and now. It’s lonely thinking of this in some ways and it’s torture in others… It’s moving on from the past and striving forward into the future.
But as all that moving forward is going, I’m going to go sleep in my own bed tonight and crumble up in my comforter as I have for the past 13 years and find slumber while tucked among my pillows. It’s the one familiar in my life — the one constant… Maybe that’s been the same for you and your bed? Whatever it is, there’s no place like home… And when you’re home, there’s no place like that specific spot you’ve been sleeping
For now my heart is going to go get snuggled cozily into my own bed. It might be too small, it may be aging, it does have a smell — but it’s my little piece of heaven. It’s the one place on earth I only want to share with special persons (heh, tell that to my parents for every time they took a seat on my bed when I was sick and nagged me to move so they could sit on the mattress), it’s the only place in the world I’m guaranteed solitude. It’s the only place in the world where my mind can run un-bridled with dreams.
It’s beddy bye time. And whenever that moment comes around for everyone else, I’m hoping they can find just as much comfort and peace in their beds – wherever they may be – as I find in mine.
Ego
One moment you can have your ego coddled by the powers that be, the next minute you can have it torn down by a barb. One minute you can feel really good about yoruself and the next minute someone can fuck it up for you in one way or another.
That’s Saturday for ya!
I was feeling really good about myself after getting my latest assignment back from Lou… Especially when he pushed the fact that the story was such a piece that it was worthy of publication now…
Oh, there were edits I needed to make, but tte story content was so vivid and so identifiable that it just was great…
Certain people will coddle their own ego knowing what the piece was about and knowing they told me to write about that specific subject.
Then? What happened? Well, lets just say I deflated and deflated pretty fast for that matter when I felt strung along by the powers that be, people, things, etc. Oh, I could make mention of things I’ve previously complained about recently in here (Medical, medical, medical ) but it was more out of my control than that is (and that is very much out of my control).
THe poetry that’s shown up here was written in May and early June when I had the creative juices going. Sometimes posting a poem is easier than writing a journal entry — of coruse it is, damnit, becasue you don’t have to write anything original off the cuff like regular long winded journal entries are written….
Dejà -VooDoo than I Do
DejÃ-Vu.
Very, very dejÃ-vu…
See, about a year ago I had some things happening to me that made life a big worry… A worry much bigger than your day to day but not so incomprehensible that you would think I’m an alien or something like that (though the Men In Black would argue that)… It’s just something that hung over me much like a new job, moving, or some other great unknown worry would have this feeling of heaviness over you. There’s anxiousness and anxiety to go along with it and a question of just where this will take you.
That was a year ago and I’m repeating it this year.
Yep, John’s got a scheduled date for surgery now – Wednesday, August 20th at Tampa General Hospital. Pre-op on Monday the 18th. I’m thinking of other odd things going on — Bill’s sister is due to have her 2nd kid about that time and — it’s SO STRANGE because that is what happened last year while I was in the hospital.
Very strange, very deja-vu.
Of course this year I won’t be writing to anyone on the pager, telling them soemthing I should have told them the night before I had the operation…
…Nor do I think I’m going to be out of the hospital in 3 days. Hell, I don’t even know if I will be back to walking anytime soon after surgery. I’ve talked about my legs being weak as is right now – I got to imagine if everything goes fine I’m still going to have weak legs and on top of it I might have to “learn” how to use them again.
I don’t know if I will need rehab or what… I don’t know if I should be looking intot he ibot or the Segway because of future lack of mobility… (then again, I want to look into the Segway no matter what so that whole point is moot).
At any rate, after a night off from the computer, I’m writing again with another story… Maybe assignment 4, I didn’t look at the assignment as much yet but I’m writing with constraints just because. Sort of good story but I think it’s been done before…
Also, Melanie will be glad to hear that John got disc 5 of 24 season 1 in the mail. I may very well have that watched by the end of the day… God I love that fucking show
Musical Justifications
I didn’t get to sleep last night until… well. this morning. It must have been 5 AM when I finally conked out. Pretty shitty if I do say so myself. I woke up around nine and stayed in bed until 10…. And yet I am still going strong right now without the urge to nap? WTF is up with that shit, y0?
Today I have politics on my mind a good bit. I haven’t talked about the WMD’s or much at all about the war in general since military operations started in Iraq. Of course, EVERYONE who has ever read this journal and knows me knows that I am against the war and think it’s unjustified. Well, the administration is continuing musical-justification for the war and now is stating that 9-11 is the reason why the United States attacked Iraq.
Give me a fucking break.
To say 9-11 justified the war is to say that any time someone acts suspiciously then you have every reason to kill that person in order to protect yourself. I mean, if I am walking down the street and someone is wearing baggy pants and looks intimidating, do I have the right to shoot the bastard on site because I am afraid? No. The White House is justifying everything that it does through 9-11 and it’s saddening that people actually believe it.
At any rate, Assignment 3 for my correspondence course is in the mail and on it’s way to the Lou-one and I still have bad bad feelings about the assignment. I sent him a copy of the Times article about me from last year as well as Re Elect JF’nK (he’s a Hudson Valley Renegades fan and they have a soft spot for Joe up there). I don’t know, i just feel really odd about it.
Oooh, before I forget to add this: have any of you been having problems with pop-up ads in Windows? I don’t mean pop-up ads while you are surfing web pages… I mean static messages that appear out of no where while you are online. You will want to look at this nifty little remedy to get rid of those pesky little fuckers. Windows Messages suck ass.
Act for Change?
I signed up with Act For Change web site a few years ago to protest stuff going on with the election – and then with some of Bush’s choices for government. Working Assets is supposed to be a sit that tries to rally citizens to do things for the better and provide a voice of the people to government.
…Just why the hell are they trying to get me to sign up for long distance phone service? I signed up to be an activist – not a capitalist.
They are a non-profit organization… Why are they sending me note-pads and address labels? Why not use those resources to help their own cause? Why is a group that’s has decried special interests treating me like a special interest and coddling me with the most mundane things? Mailing labels? Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream?
Just food for thought.
Reunion to Work
I won’t even get into the election stuff but I will say “Open Mouth, insert foot” with how I handled the situation with my hearsay :mad . Very non progressive. Very disenfranchising.
But that’s not the big story in my life – the big story is WORK. W-O-R-K WORK. Sitting here now away from the action, I sorta dread going back, but while I am there, everything goes great and smoothly with a few minor bruises from my razor blade.
Yes, John the box cutter, the shelf stacker, the stock boy….
Wednesday was my first day and that went rather smooth. Everyone was very outgoing and helpful except the guests of course, but that’s to be expected.
It’s good to be among the real again on a regular basis. I honestly could have kept going past my quitting time today but I’m still dependent on others with transportation so it’s best I leave only modestly late and not hours late.
Today wasn’t as productive as as yesterday was because I got lost with a lot of things I was supposed to be stacking AND my legs are like – gone. Entirely. My thighs are tight and sort of weak, my knees can’t bend, my hamstrings are sore. This is what I get for not being able to hit the bike on a normal basis like I used to.
How come a lot of people in international places are getting on to Beatle Lyrics still? Or are able to access my old registered email address for the site? Odd.
