Tag: negative
bringing out the worst in me
It’s funny how some thigns come to you and inspire you to write or at least get the thoughts out someplace or another. In my case, it’s here on the Blog where the world can read, dissect, and make fun of whatever is bugging me.
In this case, it’s thoughts of the malignancies from this summer. Nothing new or fresh happened: the closest thing to news would be the fact I got a Christmas card from said malignance after the holiday. I didn’t even open it — because of the anger it brings out in me.
That’s the whole point of this post: It’s not healthy to brood about something that went wrong or something that happened in the past. It’s not healthy to sit on it and bubble over with thoughts that are just negative toward what happened. Negative and brooding.
A half hearted attempt in a card to thaw the ice didn’t exactly play well with me – not after five months of nothing. Nor would showing up in one form or another now and trying to play friendly. Thawing the ice isn’t going to happen when I have gotten to sit on the malignancies seven months.
But that’s not even supposed to be the point of this post. The stubbornness on display? The fact I am still angry after all this time? That’s the point — it’s bringing out the worst in me. Good friendships or other relationships are supposed to help you highlight your best thoughts and actions. The best of your character.
Chalk this up as another thing I’ve learned.
Death of "The Den" county musings
It’s been a year since I made the 3 mile trek to do shopping at Woodlands Square in Oldsmar — home of the AMC Woodlands Square 20, Bealls and Sans Pizza. I have always been greatly impressed with the transformation of that shopping plaza since the the construction of Woodlands Square 20. It used to be a deadland shopping center with a K-Mart, a Kash and Karry and a load of empty storefront space. Since the completition of AMC Woodlands Square, there have been several additions and subtractions to the shopping complex that have made it a more interesting place to shop.
I was more than happy to see K-Mart leave with thanks to the K’s re-organization. The store had always given me a negative vibe every time I got near it. Bealls converted the store and things have been a lot more pleasant with thanks to this.
But the one addition that I liked most — The Den, a coffee house and bar — was notably missing when I ventured to Woodlands Square on Memorial Day weekend. The Den had been inside Woodlands Square for a few years and served a great espresso. Alas, they gave way to music and live bands (I was there for coffee and conversation — which was hurt by this) and it would seem that the Den went the way of the Dodo. The store was empty when I looked.
Of course, The Den isn’t the only store missing that shocked me. Sans Pizza was also gone. Sans — which is right next door to the movie theater — was busy all the time and popular without having to find a side attraction. My guess is that they were a victim of rent prices skyrocketing. Why? Oh, because Office Depot moved in a few doors down — making their location even hotter than it already was.
Rove-ings
I really don’t know what’s more depressing about the fact that (finally) it seems Karl Rove has been found to be the leak-source in the Valerie Plame case…. Not that many who are farmiliar with Rove’s dirty handed politics are surprised.
I say “Depressing” because there are a couple of things that are negative when I look at the situation:
- * Some people don’t get what the big deal is outting a CIA operative
- * Some chicken hawk patriots were quick to name those who opposed the US invasion of Iraq as traitors, and yet no one from that group is going to think that Rove as a traitor (doing what he did out of political vengence)
- * Despite all mounting evidence of corruption in the White House, those loyal to Conservative ideologies remain oblivious as to the direction the United States is heading under such corruption.
- * If Rove is indeed the guilty party, the President will quickly and simply sign a Presidential Pardon and send Karl on his way to the private sector
That last item… That’s the one that hurts the most because that’s what I expect from Bush and I expect a ho-hum response from America, unfortunately. They ho-hummed Richard Pearle. They ho-hummed Paul O’Neil… I can see them ho-humming this….
Is it possible for them to say anything else? Such as “enough is enough?”
To vBB or not to vBB, that is the question
I have an odd Dilema with Baseball Boards. I have a very limited number of posters and lack of reputation under the current name. The lack of posting is hurting just as much as the lack of members is hurting.
That being said, I’m still playing with the idea of what could improve things and improve member additions to the site.
The site merger is all but nixed — too much uncertainty and too much negative outlook. Too little control. What I am toying with to bide the time, however,is to have vBulletin put onto the site instead of phpBB. VBulletin gives a better look to the forums and mroe functionality. PHPBB is open source, hackable… Extra spamable.
I need to ask around if I should make the switch… Its just a thought right now – and it will set me back 90 bucks at least.
Boarding pass
John F – former Administrative Community Manager – FanHome.com
John F – former Administrator – The MLB Forum
John F – Administrator – Baseball Boards
John F – Administrator – The MLB Forum?
TMLBForum has had a whirlwind couple of weeks – a negative whirlwind at that. The owner threw a hissy fit and took all of his sites off line. His posters are on another site, he’s caused a great deal of damage…
And oen of my firends who post there and talks to the guy suggested that i take over the ship when the site is live again.
I have reservations becasue I want Baseball Boards to be a success. I have a few of my own people who I am loyal to who I want to agree with me on anythign that goes down.
I also think taking over that site with such a negative vibe will mean more work. Those who don’t know me will not trust me. Those who know the site and what happened will not trust the site to remain there for them. You can NOT be professional and take something so personal that you close the buisness down in a hissy fit, and then expect people to come back. People will come back after technical problems, people will come back after downtime, but people don’t want to come back whent he site no longer seems to give a damn about the fact they are valuable members.
The people and things….
I got nostalgic yesterday a bit not just because of where I was and who I was with, but also someoen I ended up talking to via email….
Eric Rosell, one of my best friends growing up – the kid aroudn the corner – got married in a small ceremony at a local church. It was the first time I had seen his parents in a few months, the first time I had seen his brother in a few years and the first time I had seen his sister in more years. It was amazing I was attending Eric’s wedding, surreal even. (sidenote – is it bad luck if a Catholic is married on teh day the Pope dies? I hope not)
I grew up playing or hanging out at Eric’s house. I was the one that was first notably enamoured with someone of the opposite sex… Or at least the first to make a big deal otu of love and romance and stuff like that. This, that and the other thing – I saw my childhood before me — even as it disappeared further.
The nostalgia didn’t end there as I heard from Danae – the girl who live ddownt eh block for a time who I was flipped out for. I had sent her an email wishing her a happy birthday — strange how sometimes you feel like it’s not yoru place to say soemthing like that and yet you have no problem with doing so with other people who are almost complete strangers. She got to breaking me the news her grandmother – who lives down the block – had passed away at Christmas (which I wasn’t aware of) and other things. I remembered being smitten with the saphire-eyed girl who lived at the corner… I thought of the memory of the past – and the awkwardness and malignance the relationship had in general.
But of all negatives in the past – they’ve been forgiven. If not forgotten by me.
The Wheel of Karma
Well, staying positive about negative things brings me positive things…
My last entry talks about how pissed off I was becuase I found out I have a pager that belongs to someone else… Well, I’ve contacted WHDH in Boston about returning their pager to them and after the original non-answer from them I got two warm replies today talking about the generousity I was showing by offering to return the pager to them and the possiblity of returning me a token of their appreciation for returning the pager.
Though it will likely just be a mug or something, it’s still a lot better than me feeling pissed off for having a pager I can’t use. And a lot more constructive too. It’s teh right thing to do.
Tarpon Springs and the Suburban-blight of WalMart Supercenters
Wal-Mart is trying to add the 44th (or is it more?) store to the Tampa Bay Metro Area by sticking one of their Supercenters on the bank of the Anaclote river in Tarpon Springs.
While Mary Jo Malone wrote an incredible piece on the subject a some time back on the fact Tampa Bay has too many Wal-Marts as is, I had to send Tarpon Springs my own piece on why Wal-Mart is not a good thing for the city.
I am very upset at the shortsightedness of those in power with the City of Tarpon Springs with their collective reasoning behind blessing Wal-Mart. Though the city has not approved of the new Super Wal-Mart being built on the banks of the Anclote river, it seems just a formality even with the public outcry against it.
One of the “major” issues that the Mayor and others have had with Wal-Mart is the sale of natural sponges at the proposed location – which seems to be an attempt to save downtown Tarpon Springs and the tourist trade. It also seems foolhardy seeing that you can go to most any Wal Mart location and see they do not sell natural sponges.
What Wal-Mart also sells is the death of small businesses. What this Wal-Mart will also sell is the slow death of Downtown Tarpon Springs. Has the city of Tarpon Springs paid absolutely no attention to the history of this area? Look at Clearwater alone – they struggle greatly because they have sold off land on US 19 to as many retail giants as possible, and now they are hit with a lackluster downtown area and are desperate to draw the people back. There is money for investment, sure, but the key component to downtown Clearwater is Scientology now, not residents..
Tarpon Springs, by the logic shown, is greatly concerned that the tourist trade will be unharmed by this addition to the city limits. What about the rest of Downtown? What about the small business owners who can’t compete with the monopoly-like tactics of Wal-Mart, which tends to profit even when losing money on sales? Is expanding the cities tax structure for one store so important that it kills off the rest of the cities tax structure by forcing the smaller competition to close their stores?
This isn’t even getting into the negative environmental impact of the store on the banks of the river, the ecological damage that this store will undoubtedly do and the increase of sprawl that we don’t need in North Pinellas / Southern Pasco county.
If the city of Tarpon Springs needs additional tax revenue — raise taxes. If the city of Tarpon Springs wants to be for Corporations and By Corporations like the rest of America under the current State government and Federal Government, by all means — vote in Wal Mart and watch the central district of Tarpon Springs fall away with time. The Sponge Docks will remain but everything else will pass.
Not the best… But still, it tries to convey a point.
Anyone who wants to speak out for or against Wal-Mart being built in Tarpon Springs shoueld email the city clerk and good luck conveying your point.
Retrograde
I’ve been in the dumps the last couple of days… I meanh really down and jus tlost what to do and hwo to live. I feel trapped, I feel without a purpose and I can’t exactly find reasons to push myself. Sure, I am doing great with my recovery and I am making headway almost every day…
But it’s that purpose that I am lacking. It’s apersonal connection that I’m lacking. Every time I think I found something, it turns out to be nothing. Every time someone else thinks they have found something in me, I get repelled.
SO I’m really low perosnally… And just trying to make it… And yet I’ve found an excuse for why I feel like this. I’ve been reading my Astrology lately )which I swore off last year because it made me think of other Libras) and I’m taking comfort in knowing a certain Astrological condition is upon us.
Now what is the relevance of this? Things feel like they are goign backwards. Communications are snarled up and things are shitty, at best in terms of startingstuff. I always associate Mercury going Retrograde with something negative as it was outinely painted as so in a biography I read about John Lennon.
Maybe I’m just desperate for an excuse?
Maybe I’m just desperate for an answer?
Maybe I’m just desperate for a clue?
Something's Got to Give and Take
It’s late when I write this… Or early if you think of things that way… I guess it’s a “Half-empty”, “Half-full” kinda observation but whatever… That isn’t really the point I am trying to drive home in this post.
What is my point? I haven’t the foggiest. I’m just awake and bored and I have a few moments because I am not trying to write my story that I have been working on (the “Peters Problem” story is now 73 manuscript pages long and I am choking up because I don’t know if I shoudl continue or if the story is worth continuing or what).. That’s my first crux of the moment…. Maybe I am just wrong for writing it at all because it gets lame? Or I feel like it’s lame at least and I just need some input (which I am awaiting from certain people).
Maybe the doubts arose from watching Something’s Got To Give last night? Great movie but I felt like art was imitating life when I saw it. There were so many things that I could identify with from both the main characters…. well, except menopause, wrinkled asses, dating women half your age and of course — being 55+…. But other things, other issues… It was a real shot of deja-vu watching it… Uncanny…
That, or I am drawing too many thoughts from films. That was my initial reaction when I tried to put doubts into my mind. “You read too much into these things John. Stop taking them so seriously!”
But between the story and the movie — i just have doubts and have confusion. I hear the phrase over and over again that everything happens for a reason and I am trying to think of reasons why my life is how it is, why things go as they do. Am I supposed to fail in life? Is that my reasoning?
Yeah, that’s negative… That’s how I’m thinking right now though. Balls-to-the-wall honesty.
And I am also rambling here if you couldn’t guess… Not a clear, coherent entry and… Ah, hell, I just need something interesting and positive right now.
A day of Ups and Downs
I’ve been torn this evening on my mood for the day as it has changed over and over again from positive to negative to positive again. I’ve been walking around without the walker today – and when I say that I don’t mean walking and leaning on shit but walking walking a weird walk that was almost toddler like but I was doing it. That had me stoked to no end….
But then the other shoe fell as I got a message from my friend Michelle. Michelle has been a friend for a year now and it came as news to me, and as quite a shock when I found out that she will be moving to Brooksville in July as her family just bought land up there. I’m friend with her dad too and the fact we talk online mostly means I won’t have that relationship bothered much but to lose Michelle hurts.
Of course, this was made up for to me in the smallest of ways as the Lightning beat the Islanders and moved on to the 2nd round of the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs… But that really doesn’t help me feel better that a good friend is going away.
Hair Apparent / So I beg ya
Oh sweet Jesus, I got a haircut. .
Anyone who knows me, knows I tend to grow my hair in really long — a pretty good mop top. My hair was ratty and overgrown and not cut evenly (I had trimmed it twice myself and that was only to give me more visibility from my eyes instead of seeing hair) and generally was just a mess…
I’d give you a picture but I haven’t taken a picture in the longest time.
Now? Now I have a close cropped ‘do with no sideburns. Dear god — NO SIDEBURNS. I feel naked. I told the barber that I felt violated after I saw all my hair falling to the floor. It’s not just long hair, but it’s thick too (wonder if that will give the ladies any ideas? :tongue) and it was just… well, it was mine. Damnit, mine.
But now I am good to go another year without a haircut so :tongue j/k… I’ll probably keep things more closely cropped in the future, but who knows.
Meanwhile, I’m only 162 pages into Stephen King’s newest Dark Tower tome, Wolves of the Calla. I spent the entire day yesterday just sitting around in boxer shorts and reeding. The thing is over 700 pages long in total and that means I gotta put my nose to the grindstone with it.
I read slow though. Why? Because I enjoy it. I don’t shovel something into my brain, I savor it… Maybe that is why I am an impassioned, sensitive person? I savor what I experience — even if it’s negative. Does that make me a sadist too? :tongue I’d rather be a happy-ist, and of course those who have talked to me have seen me more like my old self lately….
It always gets worse before it gets better
Just when I thought things were getting better with me – emotionally at least — I get hit hard with things again.
I hate being right. I hate being considered a know-it-all and dismissed. I hate being brushed off and having to live with the consequences of their decisions.
I’m being obtuse in my explanation what is going on — I was just right when it came to what tumor is causing problems with my legs and if I have the tumor operated on, I would possibly be made wheelchair bound… Not knowing how long or if at all I would ever recover and get out of it.
I thought of some of the dreams I had in the past – some I have shared with others and I realize they are gone — they only exist in my mind and the only place I can live them is in my mind… I don’t know if anyone reading this can comprehend what it feels like to be told by friends not to be negative but have your entire future white washed… Or be told that your life is ahead of you and not know the truth to that statement…
I don’t want pity, but at the same time I don’t want to feel alone even though those around me insist I am not alone — and that they are pulling for me. I know my friends care, I know that my family cares… but at the same time, there’s this void in my soul — something deep down — that exists. It’s the peace I had once in my life, one that I can fill temporarily by getting my mind off things (the writing and my last post on the journal is a good example)… but at the same time, there is only one true escape and one true way to get around this fortress of solitude and it’s looking increasingly impossible that life will afford me this.
Just Dean-dy
I’ll try to get another entry in before midnight but I make no promises. My day has been short and mostly uneventful sans medical problems and conversations…
I wanted to spread The Word. No, John still hasn’t found religion or Faith (note to self – that is what you should write about later, faith) but something more important (he he) for the United States in General:
I’m talking Howard Dean.
Some of you may or may not know that I fully support Doctor Howard Dean, former Governor of Vermont, for President of the United States. .The questions that might come to ones mind over this range from:
“Don’t you have anything better to do?”
“Howard Who?”
“Get a haircut you god damned hippie!”
“John, you were awfully negative with the first three quotes, can you lighten up?”
” What’s wrong with the guy in office now?”
“What’s wrong with these other candidates?”
“Why do you care now, months away from the first primaries?”
Well, to forgo some of the silly questions — I care now about the guys who are running for president because i6t’s important to have the strongest candidate to face George W. Bush for the sake of this nation. Getting involved now and latching on to the guy who has come out as the best candidate is what I have done — I’ve been on-board with Dean since early this summer.
What’s wrong with the other candidates? Well, unless you haven’t been paying attention (and most Americans haven’t), there is no passion from most of the Presidential candidates. John Kerry — US Senator – reminds me of a ghost even though he has credentials and an aristocrat background that might get him far. Almost all the candidates were pro-Iraqi-War while Bob Graham and Dean were against it from the get go. Guys like AL Sharpton, Caroline Mosely-Braun and Dennis Kucinech
But what makes Dean special, you ask? There’s just something with the Doctor that makes me think America can get back to where it was before Dubya screwed it up – making us a tyrant of the world (note – we’ve been tyrants for a lot longer than the Bush administration, but its been more acute under this regime). I believe Howard Dean can both resurrect the failed US economy, stop the corporate insanity as well as improve life for citizens across the country much better than anyone else.
Want to find out more? If you are on the Internet — it’s the greatest place to find out about Howard Dean. Seeing you are on my web site – you have got to be on the Internet so — hot shit! You can find out more! Check out Blog for America for reports from the Dean campaign itself.
Going to cut this short – talking to old friends.
The War begins
It’s just past 6 minutes into the Buccaneers vs. Philadelphia Eagles game at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia and I can’t believe the hype coming from the locals and from the national media — it feels like the NFC Title game all over again, yet I doubt a mad contingent will flock to Raymond James Stadium to greet the Buccaneers home after the game.
But seeing replays from last year, hearing quotes and seeing a god game so far has given me chills and brought to life some of my inner passion — which, for the record, doesn’t usually need to be brought to life, thankyouverymuch.
This also signals my escape from the void which has been plaguing me since I got out of the hospital on Wednesday. I haven’t broken down today or concentrated on the negative, and yet the negative remains and my heart is heavy with grief — gripping at air for the positives that are surely out there in a world that has become a graveyard to me.
Downed
T minus a day and a matter of hours.
I ranted to a few people today about how I am right now and I really came to the clear realization I don’t like focusing on myself. I mean, I’ve been called selfish when I’m being a pain in the ass but I’m high strung with certain things — picky-choosy. That’s not being selfish. Being selfish is doling out one’s life over and over again and making yourself the subject of items. I don’t like to do that when I have bad news to share, I’d rather share the positives and we all know things aren’t exactly positive for me right now. Then again, i can share my negatives when I know I’m truly SHARING with someone and it isn’t just a casual relationship.
I also need something to prop me up, I guess, emotionally. Fluff my ego and all that. Friends have wanted to help me out if they can but there’s not much one can do to help. Some have said “I wish I could take away your problems” — that’s likewise. Others can just agree that things suck right now and get brash on the fact I’m down… While others ignore it, maybe it’ll go away?
A venerable cornucopia of reactions to a NF2 patient who’s about to have an operation on his spine.
In other news, I forgot to tell you all that Lou got back to me with lesson four and….
Loved it!
Oh, yeah, I still need to work on things. For all of my reviewing of the story (previously published on this site, “Thank god for Arthur” and my editing down of the story, it still had a few flaws, but it really came out good. I need to be more clear with italics (I tried a technique some authors use with italicizing personal thoughts, which was a no no),and get more comfortable with dialogue (I’m actually comfortable with it, it’s grammar around dialogue and quotes that I need to work on) but all in all…
“Mavelous, dahling!”
Any requests to see the finished product?
Coming to a head
C7 / T1 is not the tumor that is causing my legs to be weak, it’s not the tumor causing my sensation loss among other things.
It is, however, the tumor Dr. Smith wants to operate on, which would likely put me in dire straights afterwords because I wouldn’t be getting up out of bed — I’d be sitting in a wheelchair, unable to walk because my legs are so weak (and likely more).
The reaction I get from people is mixed — some want me to nuck-the-fuck-up, as I like to put it… Others don’t listen to me, while others can’t comprehend. My mom admittedly puts off problems — that’s how this got that far out of control to begin with, putting off and putting off and putting off. I’m so fucking SICK of putting off, and yet part of me wants to PUT OFF going after this upper back tumor in order to go after the one that causing the problems I am having in my lower portion of my body.
“But for fucks sake” I can repeat all the negatives only so much while wanting something to happen and unfortunately nothing gets done.
I made mention above about my mom telling me she puts off — she also asked in that conversation if I want to move out and never got a straight answer from me. I told her I can’t afford to, that I don’t have the money to pay for it and what not… I didn’t tell her the obvious though, “Yes I want to move out. Yes I want to be on my own, have my own place, call my own shots and all that jazz which I haven’t been able to do since things started going downhill.”
**sigh**
The drawl of the day continues
I’m looking for a positive today – some positive that effects me directly instead of all these negatives hanging over me or swirling around me.
Where’s the surprise? Where’s teh unexpected? Where’s the change-up? Something’s got to jar it’s head into my life to get me back on track because I am drowning right now.
Dwelling and Moving on
Sometimes, sosmething or someone pains me. All my close friends know that I’m sensitive about shit and what not… They also know I tend to dwell and that bothers them. That bothers me in some ways looking at it long and hard.
Some of the poetry on this very site I wrote while dwelling on the good and the bad, the wants and the hurt with people. Dwelling leads to a lot of inspiration for these works, which is a good thing (not saying I want to be hurt, because I’d prefer the dream, but I actually thought it would be better for my writing being hurt again… That note is for the Eerie out there if they’re reading)…. But dwelling seems to be bothering a lot of people and myself included.
Time heals all wounds… Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get the fuck over it and all that jazz… it just doesn’t work with me.
I dwell on details with people, I dwell on the feeling, the emotion, the pain — or even the euphoria when I feel it. The happiness… but it’s with who I’m feeling those things with that I dwell on – not the events specifically. I could name five events where I got hurt badly emotionally but I couldn’t tell you specifically when I last went hysterical laughing with someone I cared for, or 5 specific times i made someone lose control of themselves with making them happy or laugh or whatever. (ah, memories – i can think of one specific instance off the top of my head).
Actually that’s not quite the truth – it’s just the negative comes out easier than the positive… The negative leaves a more lasting impact than the positive. That’s human nature though. There are plenty of instances that enjoyment / mutual laughter I have had with friends and family but those don’t stand out as monuments so much as negative things. I can think of positive things that stand out as monuments with people but those monuments are faulty idols now from a long-extinct tribes of the world, or so it feels.
I don’t want to dwell on the negative things I could think, I want to move on, I want to move away… Yet, how? How can I?
At the same time I don’t want to hurt anyone trying to get my own personal escape and move on through another, only to toss them away when I’m over things. I’d rather carry my pain than bestow it on another person. I’m “messed up” like that… I care where other people say they don’t.
I care too much, for god sake… I talk to a friend off and on all day yesterday and today and I feel funky, if not upset, when I find out she’s got a guy friend over her place? Why do I take it so personal? Just my own selfishness? My own idealistic dream that someone woudl want to hang out with me?
I don’t want to be aloof in life. I don’t want to close off my heart to everyone except a select few… Yet I don’t want to carry un-needed burdens like this.
For the record, I don’t think I did when I was truly happy — but right now I’m not, and I don’t know how to get there from here.
Positives and Negatives
I started out yesterday just going through the motions on things – it progressively got better until I went off on Bill but in a constructive manner… Telling him he needs to stop talking / focusing on the negatives so much and find a positive and look forward to a positive in life. And things just felt GOOD after that rant.
I figured that was exactly what I needed as well – focus on the positives and not the negatives, because God knows I am surrounded by enough negatives as is. Of course my mind didn’t become a total disaster until my one major positive turned into a major negative for me but that is besides the point a bit.
Actually it’s not besides the point… but it’s an unacknowledged fact from the positive.
Anyway, back to what I was saying, things went good for the most part yesterday after I ranted to BIll. I was happy with my writing – I sent out notes to everyone asking them to read some stories and get back to me because I needed input and I haven’t heard back from anyone — that’s a negative. In fact, there are certain people I haven’t heard back from after asking them quesitons and projecting an image that I am too interested in them and not just looking to be friends – that’s another negative (and a very big one at that). My self esteem is wavering because of stuff like this. I could be doing much better if people would realize what they do – the most mundane stuff – does effect others.
SO right now I am down, nursing a Mike’s Hard Ice Tea and trying my best to stay awake. I took my time getting this entry up because I found a cartoon that really told the tale of my heart right now but at the same time I don’t have permission to repost this cartoon and I won’t (because I am such a nice guy) until I do.
Tomorrow is… Well, tomorrow is something to me that dwells on the heartbreak. More then.
Dated Material
Whoa.
Taking a casual aquaintence out for a date was something I haven’t done which seems sad and pathetic but when it’s someone off the internet – you must be careful. Tonight I had my first true experience with it and I am not regretting it in the least bit.
In fact, I’m trying my Freud to see what it means. It was conversation , it was hanging out, it was a link to the past and what could have — no SHOULD have – been if I had some nerve several years ago and did what I should have done and asked out a more than casual aquaintence because of my feelings for her.
It’s not that things clicked especially well — I was my usual self and I was just meeting this girl for the first time in reality. It was the nostalgia I had when I got to watching this girl and seeing her reactions and mannerisms and…
This isn’t the past. This isn’t who I was comparing this girl to. It was a totally seperate being with totally seperate plans for life and totally seperate goals. Someone that I am just getting to know. Not someone I knew. Someone I want to know more about – maybe need to know more about.
Anyway, she wants to hang out again sometimes soon — which is cool by me. Danny-boy wants to hang out when he is down here. Maybe a group outing would be a way to go about things? We’ll see.
Yes, this makes it easier for me to understand some people’s actions – but doesn’t forgive them one iota for their cowardice or Selfish at the same time. I imagine at one point you’re going to think “I guess he doesn’t want to talk to me…” That’s not quite the truth — you haven’t even tried to be a friend to me or make amends as a friend. That might work with the Erie lot (just put it off, it’ll go away) but it doesn’t work in the real world. Why should I talk to you if you’re going to act like you did nothing wrong in how you broke the news to me, or act in general like you don’t want to talk to me? Two negatives don’t make a positive.
Nothing to see here, please disperse
The Dodger Boy is back again with yet another epic tale of sausages having their way with your intestines….
Yes, it’s another journal entry. Feel free to move on to the new web page that actually provides content besides my daily life…..
……
What? You’re still here? Shame on you! :smile
So I have a full work week in front of me — which is sort of cool and sort of bothersome… Bothersome because Bill quit Target in a hissy fit and I feel like I am getting —
Getting ahead of myself with negative thoughts. BAD BAD BAD. I want to have this job and I need this job and I need something to do every day instead of sitting at home on my ass in front of the computer, waiting for Bill to tell me another story about his niece Jillian and her life sus-far, or about his dog Bradley becoming Ernie-the-Hound-dog’s bitch….
Then again, I could also write. I started working on a story again that I started pre-9-11…. 9-10-01 to be exact. I had plans to finish it the next day but you know how that went…
I also had thoughts about a cool concept business that I do not have the capital to start up. I like the concept that I pieced together but I don’t know if it would work or not. Basically it’s a charter van that drives between downtown Tampa and a fixed location (locations? plural?) in Pinellas County. It can be used to commute to downtown Tampa or as a way to get to St. Pete Times Forum and other venues nearby. I figure it can be hired out by retirement homes and local associations (or schools?) to shuttle people around to fixed areas too….
At a flat cost compared to a Cab, though.
Meanwhile, I want to make note that Tampa/St. Pete is the second worst metro region for Pedestrians in the US of A…. How many times have I found this out to be the truth in person? :sad
