Tag: love
A Year Ago
A year ago, I was in love.
Yes John was in love.
And it was the beginning of the end of that love and the first signs of a shit year that I was due to have.
Put off, led on, put off, strung along, that is how I would term things and how they’ve been with a former friend and former desire. Someone who I felt so comfortable with and yet even when the relationship seemed so mutual – it wasn’t. No, there was this underlying, unspoken dread that never came out honestly. The shifting, the bullshitting, the tap-dancing around issues… You would have thought that George W. Bush or one of his administration officials were in charge of running things between us…
You would think that at least I could have retained a friend through all this but that isn’t the case either. No, someone stopped being a friend when they were too tense to deal with me in a time of need. My bitter beginning of my resurrection post is an ode to that.
But where am i now? In the realm of bitterness, I can’t help but think about the past and think about the good times over the bad. I can’t help but think of the dreams and the past wants. Then I remember some of the things said and done and I just have it handed to me, the fact that the past is dead and done with. It’s been tossed to the garbage and only given passing thoughts by parties who were involved within these events, thoughts, memories, desires, etc.
I’ve kept my silence about things for a few months – though bitterness has been with me throughout over things and how they came to pass and such. That’s the one thing that won’t be acknowledged or thought highly of by anyone but it’s one moral standing that I’ve kept throughout the good times and bad – I’ve tried to take the high road with things even when I find out the ridiculous is the truth. I’ve given extra chances and wanted for those chances to work out but alas, the old proverb “Hurt me once – shame on you, hurt me twice – shame on me” held true.
Here’s to the lonely hearts out there, and those who regret their actions in the past…. Here’s to those who cherish what they have, and those who cherish what they chase. Here’s to those who face up to things, and here’s to those who realize they’ve got more than they deserve….
Happy Valentines Day
It could be, it might be… it is?!
THe scent of pollen is in the air, things are starting to take a greener shade and of course there is a warm snap here….
It looks and smells like spring in Florida… It’s only the first week of February and spring seems to be here…
Pitchers and catchers report soon, of course, which underlines this fact… Valentines Day is also fast approaching which usually is spring-ish here (spring love and all that BS)…
Ah yes, the long and dry season will give away to a drier season here in the SUnshine state until it gets too friggin hot to enjoy the Florida sun…
(that’ll be April :tongue )
Just a classic poem for a classic thought
Where She Went…
Were she went, I’ll never know
What a shame, My shame alone
Do you now how she feels?
Like a warm leather glove,
On a cold winters day
©1998 John P. Fontana
Thinking of taking a (hockey) Dive….
I used to write, a long long time ago, for a hockey publication.. A local one… One that had a good little mix of local readers and local fans talking it up and hanging out on the site…
This of course was a crappy Rivals.com site but it worked. It had a dedicated owner, a dedicated set of fans and a couple of kids (including me) who wanted to do what they could to get noticed and get published and what not….
I’d like to try setting something like that up again…. But an MT version of it… (meaning a journal report on the Lightning if it’s possible).
It IS possible, the thing is I am not a great writer — well, it’s not exactly writing as so much reporting and I am a worse reporter than I am a writer… Why? I can’t get to locations to report… Not only hat but when I DO report, I get the information wrong…
I’d love to have a site, though, dedicated to one of the local sports teams and with a team of fans to help report on the team…. The Lightning is the best team to achieve that with, as the Buccaneers want to keep everything in house and the Devil Rays happen to resent their fans with a vengence….
A Tampa Bay Lightning fan site while the Lightning are getting ready for their next playoff push might be fantastic to launch… Though it also might be suicide seeing the NHL is on a collision course with the Apocalypse.
Judith Dean worries
I love Judith Steinberg Dean. I respect the hell out of her as a mother, a wife, a doctor and of course a shy woman who doesn’t want the limelight. That being said, I also fear for her and Howard’s safety in the very near future.
Judy Dean, as her maiden name might clue you in about, is jewish… There is nothing wrong with Jewish people or those of Hebrew decent but of course there is always some ignorant moron somewhere in America that feels threatened by someone of this ethnicity.
I don’t want Judy to be a target of anyone’s hate. I don’t want Judy or Howard to be made examples of with regards to anti-Israeli sentiment. Howard Dean, Governor, Medical Doctor and candidate for the presidency of the United States, isn’t Jewish but the fact that he married someone of the Jewish faith might continue to make him a target of anti-Israeli sentiments.
Now, by my “anti-Israel” statements, I am not standing up for Israel. In fact, I find them just as guilty of terrorism as they keep finger-pointing towards the Palestinians. That being said, Israel has nothing to do with a medical doctor from Vermont.
I just hope, if any of these racist idiots are still lurking out there, that they realize this and don’t try to set one example or another by trying to commit some type of assault or attack against Judy Dean.
In John's place…
Let me just say AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!
If there is anything worse than being single, and having to deal with a roomate who just started dating, and is all lovey-dovey, I have no idea what it is.
I’d prefer Chinese Water Toture right about now.
Happy New Year to everyone!
So this is Christmas…
Been up since 5:30 — still have insomnia but some pain killers i was perscribed in the hospital got me zonked out for a few hours…
…I’m happy to report that Christmas hasn’t been terrible here, nor has it been outstanding either (having to watch my younger brother Andy’s girlfriend’s son Austin throw up wasn’t very fun)… But it’s had it’s ups and downs.
The most notable up just occured when I was talking with Mike and presented him with his 3rd and final christmas gift — www.tasteofescape.com. Now, you may have read earlier this month that I had no clue what to get Mike and that he was discouraging me from getting him anything… He seemed genuinely enthused by the gift and offer to host his journal in the future (sharing web space on here). Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to see him impressed with the gift.
Was there anything more groundbreaking or earth-shattering that Johnny recieved for X-mas? Well, besides clothes and a few material things, not really. I guess I was just looking forward to today more than the gift part of the day — the family part and the social stuff. Personally I would have loved to have gotten everyone in the fam. and my friends a few more things, but alas — this year it was impossible to pull that off on account of me being a gimp :tongue
In memorium…
Seems John remains absent, so here I am again. Today, a little more personal.
I just realized (it is 10:30 PM) that today is the 5th anniversary of my aunts murder. I also realized that I completely missed the 21st anniversary of my fathers death on the ninth. Two days from now will be the 7th anniversary of the death of one of my classmates.
I’m not sure what suprises me more. That it has been this long since all of these tragedies affected my life (and there are more), or that there have been so many of them that I cant even keep track of it anymore.
As you might now guess, Christmas isnt much of a celebratory day in my household. At least, on this holiday season, I have yet to see my family mentioned in one of those “be thankful for what you have” stories newspapers like to write.
In short, be thankful for what you have. Remind your loved ones how much you appreciate them this christmas. A few words are far more profound than some cheesy toy picked up at Walmart.
Sleepless
Just a quick update at 6 AM becasue… well, Johnny hasn’t had a bit of shut-eye since he originally tucked himself in before midnight…
…oh how I love insomnia.
More on Brandis
I’m sorta taken aback that my blog was getting any hits at all over my entry on Jonathan Brandis’ death which happened early in November. November 11th, actually. Brandis’ friend called from Jonathan’s apartment to report finding Jonathan attempting to hang himself (or having hung himself). Paramedics responded immediately but Jonathan died the next day.
This is still a shock to me.
I admittedly hated “Sidekicks” which was with Chuck Norris and Jonathan (but Ms. Winney Cooper from The Wonder Years was in it so that made the movie much much better), I liked Ladybugs (who DOESN’T like Rodney though?) and loathed The Neverending Story two (but that wasn’t Jonathan’s fault – terrible movie premise to begin with).
….I liked Seaquest when it started…..
I liked Jonathan – he was just cool in how he came off… I know I didn’t exactly throw a lot of love his way in my last post about him, also implied he was sort of faggy in his presentation…. but I eman… It still didn’t change THAT was the type of guy you wanted to be – this dirty blonde hunk that all the girls seemingly drooled over.
If there is any new insight on the Brandis death, I plan on reporting it here when I hear it…
Back in Black – the Dodger Boy returns to the Scene of the Crime
Thank you, thank you… Please hold the applause… Please… I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy I’m….
Oh, the hell with it… Who’s clapping anyway? Little Miss Avoidance? Miss I-hooked-up-and-don’t-have-the-nerve-to-say-anything-to-
you-because-my-ties-to-you-are-nil-while-I-am-with-another? Oh yeah, maybe some of my friends who knew how fucked my situation was going into November 26th and know just what the outcome has been might be the ones clapping.
I beat the fucking odds.
I exorcised the fucking demon.
I had my miracle and God slapped me on the back and told me with a good natured grin, “You fell for it, you shit. Now get back in the game.”
I’m home.I can walk, I can talk, and I can type into this fucking blog my rants and raves and all my bullshit once again. I’m ANGRY, I’m HUNGRY, I’m in need of a some venting here and there but this is a GOOD angry, this is a DAMNED good angry. This is an angry I don’t know who the hell would be able to identify with and I don’t know who would even try.
You see, over the summer things got grim. There was this blackness hanging over my life. Everyone around me knew about it, I dreaded it, I loathed it, I was desperate for escape from it. That blackness was all the grim possibilities of my future if things didn’t get corrected.
I went under the knife in August, still in grim shape – still loathing, still scared, still sad, and what happened was I didn’t get shit fixed. Instead of going out and getting my problems washed away – I had more doubts exposed, more bad thoughts brought to the forefront, the dread conquered me and it grew every day from early September till those last weeks of November.
My friends supported me. Those who strung me along wanted to be done with me for there own personal good, others just met me and left me because I had this doubt and this negativity around me. Indeed there was too much negativity around me. There may STILL be negativity around me in the next few weeks as I face adversity and have to come back physically (and emotionall) from what I just went through.
For the record? Fuck negativity.
For the record? Fuck adversity.
Life’s a game and I am back on the playing board. I thought I was just going to be a piece on the side that didn’t get used because life has a way of taking you out of the game. Fuck that. Fuck the idea that I should worry, or I should hurt, or I should doubt I will find something I ma deserving of — be it in love, life, business or whatever. Fuck it all — I WANT IT ALL. I’m going to get it all, and God is going to be on my side as long as I don’t hurt, maim or kill to accomplish that.
I want the challenge. The blackness is gone. The looming sense of dread is gone. I want the challenge of life again. My first is getting my ass back in shape, the next is … well, the next piece I haven’t thought of yet because there are many pieces. It’s also dependent on the first piece of it all.
I posted a “Missing” picture” a few months ago on this very blog… Posting some of my former pictures and asking “Have you seen this boy?” in a mock tribute to Robert Patrick in Terminator 2…. I’ll tell you right now – the cocky and optimistic son of a bitch who founded this site, who got the Beatles balls in an uproar, who’s pissed off the locals with his liberal talk, who’s upset the government with his public votes of incompetence, who’s gone through more pain and hardship than most will experience in their lives — that fucker is me and that fucker is back in charge of the life of John Fontana.
Maybe it’s the drugs talking? Maybe I wake up tomorrow from my bed and try to figure out what is my purpose in life again?
Yeah? Well, what if I wake up tomorrow and I just say “Lets go” and do what I need to do – it’d be the same thing but with a better attitude. I need to accomplish things on my own — Lets go, I gotta get it done. I don’t need to procrastinate, I don’t need to avoid, I don’t need to pussy foot and hide from the problem.
I’m back, ladies and gentlemen….. Time will tell the tale just WTF is in store but I am back. Let it roll, let the sun shine in and all that jazz…
BUSY BUSY BUSY
So, I have just been a busy little bee, or just avoiding computers. j/k Well I guess I have been taking a break from things. Especially since I sit in front of one all day long at work. A vacation was needed, so I took one.
On Thanksgiving I stuffed myself silly. I love food as I posted previously. Yum. My fiance and I ate at my parents for lunch and his parents for supper. And since we didn’t like doing all this traveling all in one day, we kind of decided to just spend Christmas on our own, and maybe invite the parental units to join us instead.
So that was my weekend. Hope everyone had a good one.
Another great post from Bash.org
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, “Wait… where the hell is Harry Potter?”
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” – After the movie, say “Lucas could have done it better.”
3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: “I must go! Middle Earth needs me!” and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: “The Ring.”
5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
7. Finish off every one of Elrond’s lines with “Mr. Anderson.”
8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, “And I did it…. MY way…!”
9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone’s finger and fall down the stairs.
11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact “The Battle of Helms Deep” Monty Python style.
13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout “Barbecue!”
14. Ask people around you who they think is the next “Terminator” sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
15. In The Two Towers when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout “RUN FOREST, RUN!”
16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: “That’s what I’m Tolkien about!” See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, “Where’s Waldo?”
18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
Ah, bash, I love you so… :biggrin
Interaction #2 — Part Three: Inter-answers
Keith Asked
1. New York Yankees, or New York Rangers?
Rangers. They spend all that money and STILL suck!2. If you were told you could be rich and famous, but would die in 10 years, would you want it?
I don’t know… Sometimes I feel like I only have 10 years to live anyway… So I’m really not sure. IF I could be rich, make everyone financially secure and better off financially and pass away in ten years – not knowing how long I had to live myself… I’d have to seriously give it consideration.3. Rosie O’Donnell nude, or Oprah Winfrey nude?
Oprah nude… I don’t think I could take all the skin folds on Rosie4. Would you rather be destitute and in love, or rich and in a meaningless relationship?
Destitute and in love, any day.5. Onions are the root of all evil, explain why. :wink
Hmmm, this is a tough one, a good one at that. You see, Onions tend to cause gas in people and that adds methane to the atmosphere – from all the people breaking wind because of Onions in their meals. Methane gas helps global warming and making the earth a less hospitable place to live. If, because of all the onions we eat, we end up making the Earth unable to sustain life, we could put enough blame on Onions for it… And for one vegetable to cause that much death and destruction that would come from global warming, it could be easily concluded that Onions are the root of all evil.
PPH Asked:
1. What’s your favorite color?
Blue or green2. When do you give up on someone?
You only give up on someone when they have given up on you or stopped showing interest, or pushed you away so much it’s quite visibly their move. If someone turns a blind eye towards you or stops talking to you or just puts you off in general, you get to the point where you might have to just give up on them because the hurt that it causes becomes too much. Then again? When you love somebody, you it’s hard to bring yourself to stop trying. It’s gotta be mutual in the end, though. This goes for friendships too.3. Paper or Plastic?
Paper. Renewable resource that biodegrades. Call me a eco-freak.4. Skankiest entertainer?
Madonna with Christina Aguilera a runner up. Britney is coming up the back awfully fast too.5. Will Howard Dean win the election? :o)
He sure better. We need him.
Sarah Asked
1. What’s better, rambling or silence? Rambling, but conversations that go on and on and everything else falls away during them isn’t rambling.
2. If you want to speak to someone, what reasons can you think of not to?
Depends on what the deal is with that someone. If there are things left unsaid, or things that were never apologized for, that might be a reason… If a person won’t get back to you, that might be a reason. If you’ve been treated poorly and that’s been unacknowledged, that might be a reason… You can still very much want to talk to someone, but when they build a wall to keep you out of their life, you’ve got to build a wall of your own to keep your sanity.3. When things go wrong, who’s fault is it most of the time?
It’s not about blame but it’s about making things right again – and that takes an effort from all parties. That’s the problem in this country because people won’t take steps to make things better (government, corporations, people in relationships)… They can assess blame and finger point real well, but they can’t rectify situations – or chose not to because it would compromise their ambitions or their ego. Why get involved in the muck of trying to fix things when you can keep going and come back to the problem after it’s been fixed by itself? Why not try to fix it or get involved in resolving the situation instead of avoiding it?
When someone avoids dealing with a situaiton, that’s when blame gets dumped on them.4. Life’s ________ so __________. (fill in the blank)
Life’s a song, so sing. Life’s but a dream, so someone’s having a nightmare. Life’s a journey; so don’t treat it like a destination.5. Who’s closer to the truth, the scientist or the religious man?
I think it’s right in the middle between them where the truth lay – both men are close to the truth, but only to a point. There is only so much physical before the spiritual comes into play and only so much spirituality before the physical explanation comes into play. I think God has a helping hand in Science and Science has a helping hand in God.
Melanie Asked:
1. Out of all the Shakespeare plays, what is your favorite tragedy AND your favorite comedy??
I haven’t read that much Shakespeare in order to give you a good answer but I know my favorite tragedy is Hamlet. Comedy? It’s tough to say this because I don’t have much to gauge but 12th Night.2. Who in your opinion was the greatest president of the US? And Why?
I thought you didn’t do politics? :p This is a tough one because I don’t know everything about every president who has been there. There’s Clinton who lead us through prosperity, but he had partisan politics and scandals malign his term in office… We had Abe Lincoln who did his damnedest to preserve the Union and had his life tragically taken from him. We had JFK who taught us to aim high and to try, and also had his life tragically taken from him… But I think the greatest president in US history is one that others might think of as the worst president of US history – Franklin Delano Roosevelt. He presided over the toughest time of the 20th century – the great depression and World War 2. He handed the US a new deal and did what he could to bring the nation back from the depression. It was a long hard road, but it eventually happened. He overcame disability to achieve this, and was elected for more terms than any previous US president, showing the People were behind him.3. Would you rather pop a can of Pringles or pop a cherry?
“Once you pop, you can’t stop.” It just depends on who, and what type of Pringles. To decide between a person and some potato chips, that’s pretty pathetic right? That’s how I work though, I guess.. It’s not the body part but who it’s attached to…4. If you could be any age, what age would you be and why?
18. That or sometime in my teens. Everything was in front of me and I just had so much optimism how it would play out, I was angry and yet I was interested in finding my niche. Being able to look forward more and not look around and feel like a failure, it would mean the world to me.5. If you were a hamburger, what toppings would cover you?
Anohter patty so we can have some meat on meat action, spread some ketchup over both of us for added sensuality, and then onions to further prove that they are the root of all evil – not only do they help spread methane gas, they are a key part of burger-on-burger carnal pleasure. Put a bun on and take a bite and you will taste the pure ecstacy brought on by the hot burger patty action.
Signifying Nothing
“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle. Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” The Tragedy of McBeth Act V, Scene V
I always loved this soliloquy after Ms. Ciccone at East Lake High School made us memorize it and recite it from the heart. It’s stayed with me these years but it was brought back to my mind only after a trip to http://www.blo.gs
Why did it come back? I don’t know… Why do I like it? Maybe I can see life like how MacBeth states it? It’s just a shadow, a poor player who struts his hour upon the stage and then is never heard again….
Interaction #2 — Part One
All right, ladies and gentlemen… For the consistant readers here at der Stonegauge, you may recall I had a little Interaction section a few months back where I posed some questions to everyone and they posed some questions back to me in response…
This is just an ongoing deal… I’ll post Five Quesitons here and your job is to answer those questions as best you can. On the next thread – you can pose me five questions of your own… but please note – I’ll delete any posts that are overly crude….
At any rate — Lets start this off…
- If music is the melody of life, what band do you think is setting the tempo?
- If you watch Sci-Fi / Fantasy movies, which Saga do you prefer more — Star Wars, The Matrix or Lord of The Rings?
- What is more important to you – your ambitions or love?
- Describe how you think George W. Bush is performing in office and why you draw that conclusion.
- In a deleted scene in Pulp Fiction Mia Wallace tells Vincent Vega that there are two types of people in thsi world: Elvis people and Beatles people. In your humble opinion, which one are you?
Nothing new on the western front
I’m doing some housekeeping here and putitng some of my past journal entries on Moveable Type… It’s a boring process but then again it is also something that is helping me want to write again in here — just to see where I’ve been and where I had been. I don’t know who does that — reading past things they have said in their journals — but I am doing it now, so that’s what matters.
I’m also looking for a web cam community that is like www.ww.com. Camerades isn’t working properly for me right now and I would love another live video streaming option.
A Non-Happy Hallow-weenie
Oh you gotta love this shit…
CNN.com – Girls pummel man who exposed himself – Oct. 31, 2003
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (Reuters) — A man described by authorities as a known sexual predator was chased through the streets of South Philadelphia by an angry crowd of Catholic high school girls, who kicked and punched him after he was tackled by neighbors, police said Friday.
Catholic School Girls Gone Wild!!!! Kicking ass and taking names at a video store near you! Content is kid safe because, damnit, the Pope and the nuns at school wouldn’t look forward to it being any other way! :biggrin
Seriously though – i knew girls who had crazy bastards do this to them before – flash them and what not — and I like seeing a sexual predator like this get is come-uppance
When I need a pick-me-up….
When I gotta laugh….
When I need to heave and choke on humor….
When things are bleak or members of each gender define the words “bitch” or “asshole”….
I can always count on Bash.org to make things right in the world once again… Well maybe not, but it gets me to the point I wanna piss myself with laughter….
Lilt I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
And-1 Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
ThatIsDamnGood: Stupidity is an inexhaustible natural resource
ThatIsDamnGood: Someday we’ll learn to generate electrical power from it
ThatIsDamnGood: And it will change the worldMurdoc sometimes i wonder if the fig leaf on Eve’s twat is actually an air freshener
pleb hey how long does it take to get back the results from a fertility test?
Ouroboros Do you have a girlfriend?
pleb yeah
Ouroboros 9 months.
**sigh** Ah, Bash… I love you so… :kiss
(and mind you, folks, these things get a lot raunchier than what I cared to post on my site :smile)
Reloaded Ramblings
Well, I’ve been feeling :puke since late last night. Honestly, I was up until 6 AM because my stomach was doing knots and I couldn’t have slumber sweep me away. It didn’t help that I had stayed in bed until noon the day before….:sleepy I gotta get back to normal hours.
At any rate, Mike gave me The Matrix Reloaded as requested as a late birthday present (speaking of late birthday’s – my silence towards other’s birthday’s is only because of other’s silence twoards mine). I had seen the movie back in June so it wasn’t like I was unaware what happened…
But come on, folks… you should know me. Well, maybe you don’t. I happen to be deaf and use a device to help me hear — but most conversations are tough on me. So I depend on captions with TV and the like.
What does this have to do with Re-Woah-ded? It’s time for my delayed review on the film now that i understand just WTF was going on (not to say I didn’t through watching the movie with just the images on screen).
I look at this movie and I watch it and after dropping all the rehetoric — “It’s about choice”, “Cause and effect”, “It’s understanding that choice and why you made it” and all the other stuff — I find the film’s aim to be about Faith. Undying faith.
How did I jump to this conclusion? Neo being ridiculed by the Architect for having hope. The fact that Morpheus is at a cross roads (“I have lived a dream and now that dream is gone from me.”), and how much the people of Zion and even the machines must believe in Neo — or believe in themselves for that matter — in order to survive the coming onslaught from the Machines.
There’s the love story that you see in this film which is faith in a bond between two people (sidenote – the scene with the cave and Neo making it with Trinity could have been edited out and re-shot with just the two of them in bed in the warm afterglow. That might have moved the movie along faster).
I don’t know, maybe I am missing something here — maybe I just enjoy the movie enough to not care to see the contradictions that the critics are talking about… I see this as a film of faith. As will Revolutions end up being.
Keanu Reeves has said the movies are about “Birth, Life and Death” which scares me a bit because I don’t want to see Neo get killed off to save everyone else. I want to see everyone else saved somehow with Neo leading the way…..
Oh well, so much as for that.
I got my writing assignment back from Herr Fisher and need to work on that sometime soon. I don’t know when I will however. Sorta discouraged and sort of just blah right now with writing — though this entry came off my mind/fingers pretty well. We’ll see what happens.
Lack of comprehension
It really bugs me… not just bugs me – hurts me — when I have someone close to me not able to comprehend what I’m going through with my life and doesn’t seem to open up to try to understand it better.
Who am I talking about? My brother.
You see, Mike decided to get on me because he found out a birthday gift I got him cost a bit of cash.. This is the same guy who gave me an LCD monitor as a gift last year… Him bitching about expensive gifts is the last thing he should be doing. At any rate, he also wanted me to watch the first season of Alias and got on me when he found out I hadn’t been wasting my time watching it all day every day.
He then got on me for my time spent online and told me I really needed to just drop online friends period.
Great, Mike, you hit the nail on the head with something I would love to do. Did you forget that I lost my hearing a few years back and it makes physical conversation difficult (so much so that if you won’t make an attempt to talk to me, why do you think others will)? How about the fact that I don’t have a social job right now, compared to yourself, that gets me out in the open every day? Well, before you harp on me about having a job, how about the fact you see I am a gimp right now and walking around with a walker? Struggling up and down the stairs every day and a god-damned shut in up until I get a wheelchair? Does that, possibly, make any more sense to you why I deal with anyone online instead of going out right now…?
It’s not like I gave up on life… Unlike the man who harped on me for not sitting on my ass and just watching movies all day… No… I try to accomplish with the little bit of ability I have to do stuff (writing, web design). Maybe I talk to people online but it’s not like it’s a wide plethora of people. In fact it’s a closing world of people….
Sorry to whine, sorry to rant, sorry to have the bar at the Pity Party open for business… I just had to vent my frustrations.
D-Day…. B-Day
There’s just one thing I want today even though I know I won’t get it. It’s not big in physical form and it’s not small when it comes to meaning… At least not to me, it at least puts me at peace.
YOU BORN TODAY You have humor, imagination and a sense of the human story. Personally, you’re capable. But privately, you have a romantic soul. You will give your all for love. Everyone knows you are a free spirit; yet you value your origins. Major changes lie ahead. Fear not: They are favorable.
You Born Today: You are a committed idealist, which means you have your moments of rebellion. You want to make changes for the better in the world. You are strong-minded and know how to organize the efforts of those around you You will always do what you believe is right. Work hard this year for rewards in 2005. Birth date of Toni Braxton, singer
I also found out Vladimir Putin’s birthday is today… I know I share it with John Melloncamp and a few other famous people…
*Sigh* Back to the grind….
Editing Aggravations
The story I liked best that I wrote before I started Long Ridge, the story of Thomas and his death which I called Ignorant Bliss, is a mess right now. The focus doesn’t remain on Thomas at certain points and confuses the reader a bit, you don’t know certain facts until too late in the story (though you can’t know everything until later because you are supposed to be as ignorant as Thomas) and at 5000 words, I am going to have to edit the story down for submission.
I got my work cut out for me on my labor of love.
Editing can be a good thing. It can also be an aggravation especially when you are sort of happy what you wrote through Zen=writing with no editing. Just throw-it-out-until-you-are-done-and-damn-editing.
Of course, I earned a major ego boost with props i got for the editing job I did of my last assignment which used to appear on my Poetry section. So I know I am capable of editing it’s just a grand task. I am going to have to go back and edit the story I finished last night too, but I need some feedback before I even try that… Just for outside ideas what’s wrong with it.
….And I need to get my ass working on fresh ideas, because I’m coming from one direction with everything I write right now, which typecasts me. I want to be known as someone who has a wide variety genre’s instead of just one.
Hold Me, Thrill me, Kiss me, Kill me
So I forgot to bring up Thursday Night and what I was up to to keep myself busy but not keep my mind off problems entirely…
Michelle and Josh came around. They had both stopped by during my hospital stint and were a refreshing change of pace from the day to day. We just watched some flicks together and had a good time…
…And up until this movie-watching stint, I didn’t know how GAY the opening of Reservoir Dogs is… :tongue
There we are, sitting and watching the flick (Michelle had never seen it) and Tim Roth is going nuts because he’s been shot in the gut and in a lot of pain… Well, Tim and Harvey Keitel share a few intimate moments as Keitel tries to comfort Roth and Tim (Mr. Orange) ends up telling Harvey (Mr. White / “Larry”) to hold him… And Mr. White starts trying to build up Mr. Orange’s confidence and calm him down by combing Mr. Orange’s hair and asking him “Who’s a tough guy.,..” in a rather serene voice…
The entire fucking movie I am cracking jokes about that when Roth is on screen. “Hold me, Larry! Hold me! I’m a tough guy! I’m a tough guy!” There’s that cop who gets his ear cut off (:puke), Roth wakes up after passing out from blood loss and takes out Mr Blonde…
“Hey… Hey you… What’s your name?”
“Marvin… Marvin Nash…”
“Hold me, Marvin! Hold me! Don’t leave me, Marvin!”
I mean, I apologize to Quentin Tarantino and the guys in this movie because I absolutely love Reservoir Dogs and the work of some of these actors (Tim Roth especially)…. But that is the funniest, most closet homosexual shit I have seen. I started cracking jokes about having a Reservoir Dogs drinking game too. “When ever K-BILLY comes on, you take a drink…. Whenever Mr. Orange says ‘Hold me!’ you take a drink… Whenever Joe acts like an asshole, you take a drink… Whenever someone says ‘Dick’ you take a drink…” (that last word alone would have you drunk before the opening credits)…
We ended up watching Southpark later on and of course my entry on Southpark is up — you can read my take on that.…
At any rate, I got a first hand taste of the sick sorta need of having someone special in your life — well, sorta. I started missing what I have had in the past by watching Josh and Michelle together. It made me long tenderness. I haven’t had it in the past, per se, just someone to imagine it with… even that non-physical experience that I have had, I started longing. Living on the concept of emotion between two people is a very tough thing and I guess that’s one place I had faith… Faith in the emotion and pursuing it any way possible until things finally align so that the physical could be pursued. One way street though…
Getting back to the subject of Thursday… Michelle is determined to have another movie night sometime soon and get me to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Now, I’ve never been a horror buff but then again – when you’re watching movies with friends, you can watch about anything and enjoy it… :smile
I CAN'T LOOK! I CAN'T LOOK!!!
Anyone who knows me knows I love the Buccaneers — or did love the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Maybe they were hapless in yesterday, maybe they were oh-so-close and that’s why I loved them. Right now I can’t bring myself to love them, or even watch them for that matter. On this first day of Autumn (or is that tomorrow?) I can’t bring myself to sit down and enjoy the game like I would usually do.
“Why?” you ask. Well, The problem is there is differences in this offense and this team compared to the old teams. There was this “They could do it! They just got to do a little bit more than the basics to get it done!” attitude to everything in the past. In fact I grew up on Slam-mouth football (running the football and passing on key downs alone) with the New York Giants and the Buccaneers under Tony Dungy… Yet now with Jon Gruden, the team has become a flying circus or it at least feels like it is being one under Gruden’s playcall.
Barely any running, giving too many attempts at the pass… Not owning the clock, not giving the defense a chance to rest… Just ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK. It just is NOT how you should play football unless you have a significantly weaker opponent. And you RARELY get that in the NFL.
At any rate, I’ll update you all (or key people) how I am doing later on… Right now I need to vent. I need to eat. I need to drink. I need to get my ass in gear and WRITE my next assignment.
I Will
Back a few years ago, I went ahead and bought The White Album (this was before I lost my hearing) and tried to make heads and tails of it. It was a lot of songs I had never heard before and some of them to this day I have not heard. My main reason for buying the album wasn’t because I heard it was the prime CD at the time for some rockers (which it was, oddly) but becasue of the Paul Is Dead clues that came with the album and certain songs on it (Back in the USSR, Obladi-Oblada).
There was one song I listened to – it was a ballad by John Lennon, which seemed sort of odd because this was John we are talking about, that he wrote to Yoko (everything he was writing at the time went to Yoko) that I found appealing in it’s simplicity and it’s melody. Yet I had the song play in my head sometimes with people I liked or about people I liked and things either didn’t work out or they fell apart. I started to blame the song – does that sound crazy or what? It’s not like any given song can curse a relationship or something like that…
Yet I still blamed the song and if I ever started thinking of it I would shun it from my mind because I took it as a kiss of death for things and oddly enough it seemed to be.
Yet I think of the lyrics now and look at the words themselves and think to my life and wonder if the reason things didn’t work out was because the past girls didn’t fit what the lyrics said? Or maybe I’m thinking too much if I have a song on my mind with people anyway?
What happens with someone who comes into my life does fit the lyrics and my thoughts mirror those of lyrics? I’ve been wondering that when the song popped into my head earlier this week… I haven’t fought it off like in the past. Maybe that explains the current? Then again, maybe I just need a bit of Faith to understand that song lyrics don’t influence the course of life and that I should just let things play out?
I Will (Lennon/McCartney)
Who knows how long I’ve loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to–I will.For if I ever saw you
I didn’t catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we’re together
Love you when we’re apart.And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
You know I will
I will.
More questions than answers
It’s funny sometimes where you seem to find a path – or get on a set course and there are more questions than answers and you can’t get the answers until the powers that be give them to you.
The powers that be might be a colleague, a lover, a boss, God, your brother, Family…
But then again you are at the mercy of this/these powers until so much of a time they reveal what they aren’t telling you… Until that time you have to find another course, of sorts, and try to bide your time until things become clearer.
And when you achieve that clarity? Look out because you may be set on another course and left to the Powers that Be once again…
Humility
This entry has a dual purpose because there’s an anecdote from the hospital that I’ve failed to report in here and there was something that happened today (that I already bitched to someone about) that just really made me feel like less than I do already.
Lets go back to the Hospital and my immediate recovery in there. I told this story to someone already but I just like it because it’s so strange and at the same time so demeaning.
I got out of post-op and started on my way back to normalcy feeling pretty good despite a little pain from the operation. I was generally in good spirits. Was waiting to hear from a few people on my pager and wanted to take my time before I found out who was going to contact me and stuff. The hospital chaplain came into my room and gave me a blessing, even though I am a very very rotten Catholic. Actually made me feel good, if still awkward with religion.
It may have been a day later when I had two older people — middle age — come into my room and start talking to me. I told them flat out that I couldn’t understand and they were very understanding about it and did what they could to accommodate me. They were Catholic reps and wanted to give me communion and stuff like that. I explained to them my discomfort with religion and instead of trying to lecture me, I got a very understanding response from both of them and told that God loves me anyway. I was offered some literature (religious pamphlets, I assume — if not the bible) and accepted, though I never got those papers from these two. It was another pleasant experience that left me a little more at ease with religion and all that, if still awkward.
Unfortunately that didn’t remain the case. Someone had to screw things up and it happened the day of my discharge where I was made to feel like an it — not a person, just a thing. Some heathen, a poor and tortured soul with no heart or mind.
Some woman came into the room — big teeth, hair down to her chin, and started speaking to me. My mom was in the room at the time and we both tried to explain that I couldn’t hear well so I didn’t know what the woman was saying. Instead of her making any attempt to communicate with me — she just nodded and smiled and started speaking… Saying over and over again (as I found out later) that God Loves me. She didn’t look at me as she spoke these words, and she wasn’t looking to the heavens when she was either. She looked at my hat. She acted like I wasn’t there. She basically made me feel like nothing in her blessings. She single handedly – through her good intentions — endorsed the caricature of religion that I have over the years grown to have.
A week of work, shattered for the Lord. Thank you, ma’am. My mom gasped and laughed at the ridiculous after it happened. All I could do was join her — it was just too outrageous.
What does this accomplish if someone goes out and tries to do something for someone but makes them humiliated in the process? What does it accomplish for either side? You think it leaves you in good standing or makes you feel good in your heart to know you did something while not knowing how terrible you made the other party involved feel? That’s something that has bothered me before when I have gotten less than stellar reactions to gifts or niceties from me – I didn’t want to do something that made someone feel bad (though I may very well have accomplished it without trying to).
Why am I ranting about this?
Well, I had another lesson in humility to night — feeling humiliated — as my darling older brother continued to make me feel less than I already do during my recuperation. I won’t go into details because I’m just not in the mood but I don’t need a mocking head nod from the asshole, nor do I need criticism for making attempts at things to achieve some normalcy in my life, or scornful remarks for trying to go down the stairs and having an accident in the attempt (leg “giving out” under me before I got off the top step). I want to get better, I’d like to get better with help, but god damnit — I don’t need this shit in order to do that. I know this is tough for my family and I have apologized a few times to my parents because of it… Mike, on the other hand, is going past the “Older brother” stage and making me feel like I’m just some inept, incompetent little shit that hinders everything in the household and makes life a living hell for those who live here.
I don’t know folks — I’ll fight on but it doesn’t get any easier when people make you feel less than you are. I already have enough shit that I am up against, I could use support and understanding. I could use an attempt by others to make a connection so I don’t feel like just another member of one’s quota. I could use some understanding and less abrasiveness and arrogance and scornfulness in order to get through this. It’s tough for everybody, but remember it’s toughest for me first (as selfish as that sounds) — I don’t just have to live with these difficulties, I have to live with the knowledge I am passing on all this pain to my loved ones and firends…. It’s not a burden I would want anyone to carry.
Día Aburrido
It’s friday night and I’m sitting in my dorm room doing nothing. That’s really pathetic as some of you may know from going to college. Today has been eventful enough for me, though. I have a really sore throat, I’ve been sneezing, and I think I just need to slow the pace down a bit.
The day was rather uneventful. Once again, Spanish brought the hilight of my day. We talked a lot, so my throat started to hurt, but after class I had my first one-on-one encounter with a college guy. He was in my small group for the class period, and we were talking about different stuff in spanish..and when we’d have class next. “See ya on Tuesday!” he said. Yeah, so I felt good. Senior named Stew. Nice guy.
I’m not going to jump to conclusions and say that he’s in love with me or anything like that. He asked me about our Spanish Lab that he missed. He wanted to know what we did and if attendance was taken. That’s all that really matters to most students. Anyway, after last night, I think I’d come off really wishy-washy if I drooled all over this guy I hardly know. He was really nothing to drool over anyway.
Damn..I just sneezed again. This really sucks. I think I’m going to call it a night (at least for the journal entry thing) and go chat with some people online tonight. I’m trying to keep to myself in my dorm, so I don’t infect others. Plus a lot of people have left for the long weekend, and those left went out tonight. Not many around to converse with.
John should be back tomorrow, I believe..we’ll see. He says he’s doing well, and “site traffic will return to normal levels without your presence on the site.” Does that mean they’ve dropped or they’ve gone up, and will return to normal?? Why don’t you let me know and leave a comment or two, so I know how many people are actually reading this. It’d be really cool…plus it’d make John a little jealous I think…lol. Not that I want to, but I think he has a really nice site that not many get to see. So tell your friends! I look forward to hearing from you!
Beautiful Day
Ever have a day so wonderful you didn’t and couldn’t let go of it? Ever wish you could live it again and again? Prom was always one of those days for me..or the weekend of homecoming. The energy is so positive all around you, you get to dress up, and you feel so beautiful and important. Yesterday was one of those days for me. Except it didn’t start lovely..nothing that big even happened.
What started this awesome day was a workout at about 1:20 yesterday. I ran and walked with a friend from my floor for about an hour, and afterwards I was refreshed by a shower. It was a nice cool shower that washed the heat away. I pulled my hair back into a low, parted ponytail and finished up my writing for all of you in cyber space. I was nearly late (so I thought) for my Spanish class, but I got there plenty early.
Spanish class is so much fun for me…I love the sound of hearing any foreign language, especially Spanish. More importantly, I love to hear myself speak in Spanish when I’m having a good day with an accent. In class we talked about all kinds of things…boyfriends, girlfriends, painters, writers, books, heroes, and anything else that came up. It was all in Spanish. This was much like my Spanish classes at my high school. I came out of that class with a smile on my face, and suddenly this spark of energy and happiness that had no end. I hurried back to my dorm to share my happiness with everyone.
Many people couldn’t believe how peppy I was just because of my Spanish class. It was as if I were high on something (but I don’t do that sort of thing so believe me, I wasn’t). I smiled and laughed so much with my friends that my cheeks actually hurt. My roommate and I finally got to talking about ourselves a little deeper and now I see how much I really like her. Everything just seemed to click.
Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was still in such a good mood. Mary (my roommate) had the Dave Matthews and Tim Reynold’s Live at Luther CD and we were listening to that before we went to bed. The cd is completely laid back and awesome, exactly how I felt that day. Dave Matthews Band is my favorite one out there…if you’re a fan, let me know…we need to chat sometime.
Finally at 12:45 AM I had to draw things to a close. I had my 8 AM today and I needed to get some sleep. I only hope that today will be half of the day I had yesterday.
Glimpse of Heaven
I saw a beautiful and rare sight today as I went to class at 8 AM. On my way towards the stairs I heard that it was raining outside so I grabbed a jacket out of my darkened dorm and made my way to the lobby of the Griesedeck Complex. It was my first time to see the campus after a downpour. The trees were dripping, grass seemed greener, and one could smell the dust that was beaten down in the rain. It was relatively calm all around. As I gazed across the campus skyline, I saw the powerful steeple of the University Church jutting into the air. It seemed as if a person could climb to the top of the steeple and leap into heaven. You see, the storm was building on the right side, and other ominous clouds were crowding toward it on the left. The sun could barely peek through, but the light that escaped through this gateway was brilliant and of a rich color. I think this morning while God was “moving some furniture around” (my excuse for thunder when I was little), St. Xavier, the patron saint of the church, was smiling on all of the freshman leaving Gries for their 8 o’clock class.
I’m sure everyone wonders who I am. John isn’t in college… he doesn’t live in a dorm. My name’s Sarah. This is my entry. John left this in my hands for the next couple days while he’s undergoing surgery and recovery. I have great faith that he will be back in only a few days and you will not have to deal with my crappy writing.
I’ll give you a bit of my background just for the hell of it basically….I’m from a small town in Illinois, just outside the Quad-City area. I’m 18 years old and I’m now attending Saint Louis University, home of the Billikens. Woo Hoo! My graduating class at home was 59, and I have twice that many people on two floors of my dorm. It’s and adventure so far, but it’s definitely an adventure that I’m learning to love. The paragraph above about the clouds this morning was written between classes of mine, and I decided to include it in here as kind of an opening.
John and I met in a chat room over a year ago, and although he never says my name in his journal entries, he’s talked about me once or twice. Actually more than that even. Usually I appear in here when we’re arguing about something..I don’t really like arguing with John because it takes so much out of me, but shit happens I suppose. I know he realizes this, and I do to….I always come back. It may take a few days, weeks or even months, but I do. Although we’ve never actually met in person, I think we probably will someday. I don’t know if he thinks that, but I still do.
Well, until tomorrow folks, take care and God bless. (And I promise tomorrow will be better!)
Downed
T minus a day and a matter of hours.
I ranted to a few people today about how I am right now and I really came to the clear realization I don’t like focusing on myself. I mean, I’ve been called selfish when I’m being a pain in the ass but I’m high strung with certain things — picky-choosy. That’s not being selfish. Being selfish is doling out one’s life over and over again and making yourself the subject of items. I don’t like to do that when I have bad news to share, I’d rather share the positives and we all know things aren’t exactly positive for me right now. Then again, i can share my negatives when I know I’m truly SHARING with someone and it isn’t just a casual relationship.
I also need something to prop me up, I guess, emotionally. Fluff my ego and all that. Friends have wanted to help me out if they can but there’s not much one can do to help. Some have said “I wish I could take away your problems” — that’s likewise. Others can just agree that things suck right now and get brash on the fact I’m down… While others ignore it, maybe it’ll go away?
A venerable cornucopia of reactions to a NF2 patient who’s about to have an operation on his spine.
In other news, I forgot to tell you all that Lou got back to me with lesson four and….
Loved it!
Oh, yeah, I still need to work on things. For all of my reviewing of the story (previously published on this site, “Thank god for Arthur” and my editing down of the story, it still had a few flaws, but it really came out good. I need to be more clear with italics (I tried a technique some authors use with italicizing personal thoughts, which was a no no),and get more comfortable with dialogue (I’m actually comfortable with it, it’s grammar around dialogue and quotes that I need to work on) but all in all…
“Mavelous, dahling!”
Any requests to see the finished product?
Internet Boogie
So anyway….
I’ve been finishing going over assignment 4 and I actually killed off the happy-ending for the sake of the plot twist. Not so much a plot twist but a more realistic ending. If I had 2500 words or more, I probably would have further gone into things but alas – 2000 words is the limit and I’ll stay under it, thank you very much.
Meanwhile, I’ve been over at Blog for America and doing my regular political shuffle over at Kill the Web the past few days… Pretty often in fact… All of this and I’ve also been over at DeanFilter.com trying to add news bits here and there. I could use some help to be honest, because I don’t think I’m keeping things news-worthy….
Then again, I could also invest more time in this stuff… I proposed to Toe that it would be beneficial if I started coming up with some heavy political satire to go along with his outrageous and much loved/detested Gwbush04.com web site. I mean, just LOOK at this beautiful stuff he’s writing on his own…
Makes you wanna join the party, don’t it??
At any rate, I need to get my shit together and send out assignment 4… Also calling Doctor Smith’s office is going to be a necessity if I can’t find out some details about surgery or get in touch over the web…
Dejà-VooDoo than I Do
DejÃ-Vu.
Very, very dejÃ-vu…
See, about a year ago I had some things happening to me that made life a big worry… A worry much bigger than your day to day but not so incomprehensible that you would think I’m an alien or something like that (though the Men In Black would argue that)… It’s just something that hung over me much like a new job, moving, or some other great unknown worry would have this feeling of heaviness over you. There’s anxiousness and anxiety to go along with it and a question of just where this will take you.
That was a year ago and I’m repeating it this year.
Yep, John’s got a scheduled date for surgery now – Wednesday, August 20th at Tampa General Hospital. Pre-op on Monday the 18th. I’m thinking of other odd things going on — Bill’s sister is due to have her 2nd kid about that time and — it’s SO STRANGE because that is what happened last year while I was in the hospital.
Very strange, very deja-vu.
Of course this year I won’t be writing to anyone on the pager, telling them soemthing I should have told them the night before I had the operation…
…Nor do I think I’m going to be out of the hospital in 3 days. Hell, I don’t even know if I will be back to walking anytime soon after surgery. I’ve talked about my legs being weak as is right now – I got to imagine if everything goes fine I’m still going to have weak legs and on top of it I might have to “learn” how to use them again.
I don’t know if I will need rehab or what… I don’t know if I should be looking intot he ibot or the Segway because of future lack of mobility… (then again, I want to look into the Segway no matter what so that whole point is moot).
At any rate, after a night off from the computer, I’m writing again with another story… Maybe assignment 4, I didn’t look at the assignment as much yet but I’m writing with constraints just because. Sort of good story but I think it’s been done before…
Also, Melanie will be glad to hear that John got disc 5 of 24 season 1 in the mail. I may very well have that watched by the end of the day… God I love that fucking show
It was over 365 days ago today….
You know what? It’s been a year (physically and on the calender) since I Had a jarring event in my life — very jarring in fact. Something that shook me and also sort of encouraged me becuase I played with the big boys and I stood my ground (at least for a while) until retreating.
The whole Beatle Lyrics and Album Covers fiasco.
Like the article says, I actually was sorta giddy when I got the legal threat – it was like the ultimate adoration that a fan could get… I mean, imitation and plagerism are forms of flattery… I took their complaints as flattering because www.beatlelyrics.com was the biggest and best of the fan sites that were operated on the net at the time.
Was. Past tense.
So as it’s late and I should really get to bed, I pay homage to Beatlelyrics.com and to all the fans that supported me through that fiasco.
In My Life (Lennon/McCartney)
There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them allBut of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you moreThough I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more
*Sigh* I miss the fans. I miss the fun of maintaining that site, but alas – it’s the past. Always will be a part of me though.
So will those who helped me get through this time when things were tense.
Futility and Film Wise
Well, I’ve
been out of touch and out of taste with my journal entries lately because of
what is becoming very futile with my Moveable Type transition. Complex coding
and greater HTML know-how is required in order to successfully use the alternate
journal (I don’t know Cascading Style Sheets and that factors in – sorry to
give the average user a bit of confusion there if they don’t know what that
is) and I’ve just thrown up my hands with even trying with it for now
For now.
SO here
I’m sitting on Monday evening and I’ve been cleaning off my desk which further
needs to be cleaned after I shuffled several of my papers and folders somewhere
else. In other words — I’ve done a very unconvincing job of cleaning even though
I claim that i have been cleaning
I got a
lot of props for my entry about Adaptation
because of the fire and emotion I showed in the entry. Well, at 2AM all you
are going to do is show fire, emotion and perhaps incoherent rambling. The latter
is what I was afraid the entry would turn into when I wrote it and in a lot
of ways – it is.
But I was
truly impressed with the movie.
I’ve watched
a few flicks the last few days – Catch
Me If You Can (that really made my heart ache over Frank W. Abagnale
Jr having to run form the girl he was in love with because she hadn’t been strong
enough to deal with the feds), The
Animatrix, and a few others that I can’t think of right now. In fact
I’ve been keeping tabs on my
Netflix Profile and I have rated and viewed a LOT of movies over the years.
So anyway,
I’ve got to finish cleaning here and I’ve got to sit down and write again…
Need to keep that trend. Need to drown reality in the figment of my imagination
or I will go insane.
Non-commital and an acquital
I want to
rant about commitment and things like that right now and people’s fear on it
because — well, there’s just some of it around from a few different people
and it’s more of the same in my humble opinion. More of the same that I’ve already
been exposed to but I hadn’t commented on…
I’ll pass
though. I’m just not committed to the idea of going off on that one…
I think
Assignment 3 is done for der Long Ridge. I mean I really think it’s done. It’s
not that I was toiling but as I said in previous entries to this journal – I
was avoiding (there is that wacky lack of commitment thing again! How ironic!).
Though I’m not entirely happy with the story because it seems weak and not provoking
or anything like that – just a report on living as a Bucs fan up until January
of this year (SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS BABY!!! YAY!!! 
) and that makes me sorta depressed because I really like writing stuff with
a hook or that really makes you pissed off…
Writing
should invoke emotions at times… I mean, this journal is a purging of my own
emotions most of the time (and an attempt to get me on the knack of writing
in general for the day) yet there are thoughts and ideas that have been presented
here that might make you say "Yeah, I’ve been through that before."
Or perhaps, "Damn, I can’t imagine what this guy is going through."
That’s still invoking an emotion. What I wrote and will submit to my course
was supposed to invoke more of the feeling of a fan that has suffered through
the hardships and the relation to fans across the nation and around the world
who have suffered for years… Yet it didn’t end up that way.
I still
have to write Lou a
letter… Or more like edit the letter I already wrote to him. No biggie there,
just gotta commit to it instead of zoning out.
Eh, one
last note – I’m pissed off at the online pizza ordering things. They’ve dumped
all their deals and it’s making it harder for me to buy a pie online (which
I used to love to do).
Independence Day
WE hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created
equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights,
that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness — That to secure
these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers
from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes
destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish
it, and to institute new Government, laying its Foundation on such Principles,
and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to
effect their Safety and Happiness.
Hats off, gents. We could
use a lot of you right now… Because the governent you have instilled has become
tyrannous and slanderous.
Happy independence day,
everyone. Today has proven to be a lack-of-independence day for myself but I’m
still alive and still kicking besides the morons around me giving me a tough
time. I just love to spite people like this 
The Air of Destiny
The Air of Destiny
The air of destiny
Often starts as a odorless breeze
Lacking resemblence of what it will become
Time passes, fools come into power
Rivers forge new banks with the spring flood
And the scent lingers on the air
Guiding its minions and revelars on a collision course with
Fate
Tides change and the air grows heavy
You find yourself enthused on a rocky trail
Breathing in the alotment of your life
Feeling a drive inside you
And a lusting hunger for the
Sweet scent that surrounds you
And at long last, the air of destiny blows at a torrent
Hair whipping in the cutting breeze
It is your duty to face this
Accept it
Nurture it
Make love to it
Or face damnation by fleeing from it
© 2003 John P. Fontana
Back to Reality
You ever have one of those days where it seems no one wants anything to do with you and you want to just slam your head against the wall over and over again? Or perhaps one of those days where it seems like everyone is in love around you and you’re th eonly guy/girl showing up alone to some function or another?
Yeah, one of those days. I’m having it now.
It’s hard to strike up a conversation when someone doesn’t want to open up. At the same time, it’s hard to imagine someone wants to talk to you when they keep putting off the details to things. It would seem like they were trying to get you disinterested in the first place so maybe you would get the hell away.
That describes my morning.
Now why does someone ignore you after a date? Yeah, that’s basically how it feels right now. I can’t help but feel I fucked it up somewhere along the way – my own insecurity voicing itself again. I opened up too much to start, or I didn’t do anything too interesting or whatever. Me me me. How fucking sick and pathetic is that?
Yeah, get back up and start riding that horse again right? How can you when you’ve been kicked in the head and stomped on by the nags you’re trying to ride?
Worlds Of Wonder
I’m writing this entry through Notepad right now because I’m not able to access my web site and update it — damn Digital Zones, fix the fucking thing already! (UPDATE — 8:41 PM as I write this and they are STILL down!
UPDATE 2 — 5:57 Tuesday — FINALLY back up and running )
I’m not feeling so great right now because my chest feels like it’s exploding… Every time I make progress with moving on, I regress a few hours later because of one thing or another. Hmphf, go figure.
I didn’t update things yesterday (insert shocked expression here) because I was waiting for something – anything – online and instead of that happening, I took some allergy medicine after I started feeling very ill and was stoned/out by 10 PM. Seeing I’ve been getting up extremely early and not getting to sleep until 3 lately, it probably was a good thing that I hit the sheets a bit early.
Yesterday I spent the early part of the day sunning myself at the neighborhood pool (that’s telling you how bad the condition of my own pool/porch are) and got righteously burnt with grotesque burn lines from my tank top to prove it. Something tells me that I am going to have to start remembering to use tanning oil :p .
On the way back from the pool I started wondering about some people that were part of my past and if I should bring them up here on the site — knowing that the Search Engines will end up crawling this page and their names will be indexed and they will be able to find this page (them or their relatives ) and realize someone who they may or may not remember was speaking about them and may or may not want to hear from me in the first place.
This is sort of a collective Where Are They Now but without the glory and gifts for those who take part in the program.
Let’s start with the one who lived closest to me who disappeared when 1) she graduated and 2) her mom left her step dad who still lives down the block from me: Lisa LaCasse. Lisa and me were in the same school from 5th grade onward and the last memory that shines through it all is me being a dick and giving her a “body glove” without thinking about her having whip-lash (senior year of HS). If it makes you feel any better, Lisa, I had a neck operation last year and I went through the same hell you experienced. It’s also worth bringing up that there were plenty of rumors (ok, not so much rumors as your sister and her friends screaming it at me when I rode down the block one time) that you had a crush on me at one point or another — it was probably for the best that nothing ever materialized with that because A) I was a coward at the time and B) I was insecure and both affected how I dealt with girls I met.
Next girl who I need to bring up is someone who I admittedly had an interest in during HS at one point but things got torn apart after we moved up from 11th grade — Jen Wertenberger (which I probably spelled wrong . I haven’t seen hide nor hair of Jen since — I can’t even remember. I did see her friends at Target one time and thought she might be with them but I didn’t see her if she was. Jen was a good friend and I was a smart ass and a dick when I was hanging out with her, and the same insecure coward I talked about above.
Now, the next name on the list is one that my friends hear one time or another usually when I confess my past and I am arguing with myself whether to mention her here or not… Ok, I’ll do it: Jill Clawser. There, I said it… Someone lock me up! I was so obsessed with Jill during 10th grade and much of HS but I was so scared to step forward and so insecure to tell her how I felt… Probably for the best, of course, everything happens for a reason or so I once was told by a very wise person. Jill dropped out from HS her senior year, I saw her a few times at Spencer’s Gifts and one time at Target on a passing chance but then – nothing. I had a web page up in my Pictures section asking “Where are they now” and her aunt came across the picture — ma’am, if you find this, I was sort of terrified someone actually responded to the inquiry about Jill and I didn’t know how to tell you that I can’t hear so well so I couldn’t use the phone and call her if you got her number.
There’s someone else I was close to online that has disappeared entirely because I know her life went in a different direction than mine and was always a good bit different than mine, she was someone I needed in my life as my friend in a very trying time in my life (right after I went deaf) and I value her being there for me till this day. Tiffany O’Neal of Jackson, Mississippi. Me and Tiff used to talk on AOL and later on AOL IM for hours every morning before she went to school… I got to know her and her friends that she lived with, Jill Brown and Thomas Hood. I’m wondering what-up with all of you? Last thing I heard from Jill was that Tiffany had entered the Navy? Maybe, maybe not… I can’t be certain. It was so long ago….
Memories…. from the corner of my mind….
Of course I could post about other people in here that I used to be interested in or friends with but it’s for the best that I don’t. Besides, this feels like I have been rambling for hours even though it might have been only 10 minutes. I’m much calmer than I was when I started this thing.
I’m really getting antsy though — I want access to my web site back so I can get this update up!
Oh yeah, kiddies, I’m getting Mike’s kick ass computer system as he is getting a new machine any day/hour/minute/second now…. I’ve cleaned out most of my files/pictures/movies/applications on this system so far and am ready to just format the hard drive and re-install XP before I venture off into my new machine….
* Time entry was written
No true entry because this old poem sums things up…
What Am I….
What am I supposed to do?
Just call her name
And get off the train –
Loneliness
Southbound
Cartoon Express
A fixture through the mess –
Her face, and my memory there of
And the desires unquenched
As the fifth Beatle
Who has never crossed Abby Road
Artfully dodging –
Responsibilities
That take place in love:
Speak
Feel
Express
Not repress
To me It’s all a fantasy
Like a child going through a toy chest
© 1997 John P. Fontana
What i'm Not… What I am
I came online today and talked to a friend in Tampa today and it underlined a lot of things with me. A lot of things that I’m not into, a lot of things I don’t stand for, a lot of things that define me as a person.
I know I’m not like a lot of people I meet here in Florida. I know I’m not into the current music scene (mostly because it comes off as a jumble to me). I know if I had a choice between one person or being open to everyone and anything and living for the instant I’d chose one person in a moment. I know I have that one person in mind and I know that it’s a long hard road to get where I want to be but I want to find a way there with her.
I know I don’t think tattoos are cool. I think natural skin is sexy on a woman. I know I hate smoking. I know body piercing isn’t that arousing to me and I know that I’m old fashioned in all of that stuff.
I know that I am not into the idea of acting locally on global issues when it comes at the expense of acting on local issues that have made my town a laughing stock on a global realm. I know I’m not into George. W. Bush and his fascist regime. I know I am not into Jeb Bush and his fascist regime and the fact local political activists don’t aim for Jeb or what is wrong in Florida when they address issues.
I know I’m not normal in the essence of physical stuff and mental stuff. I know I am a bit kooky and crazy in that matter. I know I believe the DH is the epitome of corruption and bloated uselessness, I know I believe that there was a massive cover up in the Kennedy assassination and the Military was involved with everything. I know it’s easier to bite your tongue than step up and talk to someone and that I would be somewhere else right now if I could manage that on a regular basis.
What I’m not saying is that I don’t know if I would take that choice to not be here right now if I had it because those who I do interact without having been outgoing and active are some of the best people I could meet.
What I’m not is physical unless it’s in a more intimate way, what I’m not is muscle. What I am is a lover and not a fighter, what I am is someone who will fight for what I believe in though and that sometimes it’s hard to fight the powers that be because you don’t know how to organize the troops into battle.
What I am not is going to write any more, because I think I’ve rambled enough. What I am is calling this entry over
Happy Valentines Day Sarah
Well it’s been a month since I left a entry into my journal in any way shape or form. I’ve avoided this for one reason or another and in fact my journal came back to haunt me again a few weeks ago so I don’t know for sure if I should continue saying anything in these things. Is it because I want to be secretive? No, it’s more along the lines I don’t want to confuse anyone or upset anyone like I can do in here.
That leads me to my writing today. Today is Valentines Day, a day of heart, a day of joy for those who have found love and a day of misery for those without it, or a day or longing past romance from those you may very well be in love with but haven’t experienced the romantic side from your other in a while.
I’ve admittedly been in love since August with someone I haven’t ever met in person… Someone that has meant a lot to me because she’s not only been there to listen to me, but because we’ve just clicked in a lot of ways and I feel like she makes me better when I am with her. A better human being, a better comedian, a more thoughtful person, etc…
I don’t know what the future will bring us – if things will last any longer than a week or things are long term in the grandest meanings of the word – and of course I’ve had my doubts before (and still do of course, who doesn’t at times) but I realize the reason I am doubting a lot of the time is because of my own past or my own insecurities and paranoia… Life just tends to throw you off course whenever you see something you want and you have to keep going towards it while you can until what you desire moves either clearly out of the picture or is in your grasp.
1-4-3, S.M.R :kiss :rose
OK, now that i have gotten matters of the heart out of the way, it’s time to tell everyone just what I have been up to the past month that has made me not want to come on here and rant and rave… Well, I got fired from Target for starters. Not fired from screwing up but pink slipped. Cut backs and what not. I’m not exactly medically sound right now but I know I can get through this like I get through everything else that has ever made me intimidated before in my life — because I’m just too damned good to let it go to my head (you don’t know how bad a pun that was just now).
I’ve been all over the web trying to find something to pass the time – be it talking on instant message programs to talking on Message boards. I single handedly turned around the Segway-open mailing list as I may or may not have already reported. Segway’s, by the way, start shipping on March 1st. You’ll be seeing more of those buzzing around you soon enough.
George Dubya “Warmonger” Bush is dead set on a war in Iraq…. This goes as no surprise to me because they’ve been planning this thing since Bush took office in 2001…. Yet the entire world is against the US efforts to start a war and that is causing a bit of a problem.
Of course there is also the fact that Osama Bin Laden has issued a couple of new Communication tapes — which is always foreshadowing to an attack. The US is on a heightened terror alert right now and rightly so.
Oh yeah, and before I close this Journal entry off, I think that I have avoided a subject matter that in itself is huge that should have gotten it’s own private entry in here over the past month (but I’ve been too lazy to get to it) —
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS! SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS, BABY!!!!!!!!! DEFENSE WINS IT ALL!!!!!!!
Alluding
First off, a week until my birthday…. Donations and death threats can be sent to the Stonegauge….
Have you ever found your heart just aching for someone you know? Someone who remembers something, or makes a routine joke that they’ve made before… Someone who says something truly sweet to you or someone who admittedly thinks about you all the time….
I never really knew love, mutual love, until now. I can’t give details, I can’t give mug shots, I can’t even tell you why this has happened or how but I can say I’m happy right now…. :smile
And upset at the same time. I will remain vague just because
Rays are finally out of my misery right now. It’s been a long and pathetic season. I joked on www.emailtherays.com that the team is changing it’s name tot he “Groundhog Days” (in honor of Bill Murray’s movie) because they are putrid at every level… over, and over, and over again and never get it right.
Meanwhile, the Bucs kicked ass Sunday 😀
