Tag: loss
What I've learned
You know, I wanted to write a long post about moving on from this ill-communication SNAFU that’s led to me drawing myself into a shell and feeling like someone died. Someone was snuffed out, and the person holding the gun simply said “oops” after the body hit the floor, hid it, and then announced to the world they used a glock pistol the first time.
Yes, I was going to tell everyone what I had learned from this, or had reinforced in me. Facts that apply to current and past malignant relations: Communications are vital in any friendship or relationship; that distance can and will kill (especially if you are half hearted on the communication front); that you make time for what’s important to you; if someone isn’t reaching back much when you reach out to them, they just aren’t that into you; that oftentimes we don’t want to see the obvious and want to imagine all is hunky-dory even though the painful truth is right in front of us.
But the two ultimate truths in this case at the top of my list
:
- I’m tired of being disrespected, or belittled in how someone deals with me. Not being honest or forthcoming while someone has the wrong idea and allowing them to go on is a huge disrespect to them.
- I hate being mad at the source of this disrespect
The problem here is, the first point trumps the second.
With my big heart, it’s too often I get disrespected or taken for granted. Willing to listen even if it hurts, to make time for someone even if I am busy, to reach out to even if it costs more than I have, to be understanding to a fault… I’ve lost other friends in the past because I allowed the disrespect to the point I was upset every time we talked.
Being big hearted makes my friends a priority and sadly, in this case, priority is the reason I know this entire situation won’t be settled any time soon. Because if I was a priority in simple friendship, none of this would have ever happened. I would have been down on myself a few days, but the 2nd of two “trump all” points would have ruled instead of the first.
Writing this won’t make things better, but it gets this stuff out of my head and out into the open for better or worse.
Hoyt Hamilton, come on down!
I got a response from Councilmember Hoyt Hamilton of the Clearwater City Council over the Ferry idea that I floated with them.
He brought up the fact that they had offered a free ferry in 2000 and it saw a little bit of ridership and before it, a private ferry was in service that charged 3 bucks round trip and did poorly.
I got encouraged that someone replied at all… And now I’ve gotten my head on straight and typed up another letter, thanking him for it and then talking about some issues that I have with what he brought up.
The Free Ferry operated on weekends alone. I have no clue what the hours were. It operated for 3 months total and saw some 2650 riders. Losses were 500 smackers a day. Ok, good. Now how come you were only operating it on weekends when tourists are on Clearwater Beach or trying to get to the beach all week? Were you specifically tryign to cater to the locals who would be beach hopping on the weekend?
How much advertising was part of this free ferry service? I wasn’t a beach visitor in 2000 and don’t recall any press about the ferry being in existence – let alone publicity about using it to get to and from Clearwater Beach.
If you’re goign to do something, you can’t just do it half assed. That’s what Clearwater seems to have done with the ferry while it was in operation. I’ve been out on the beach during tourist season this year and I’ve seen how the spring break crowd is confined to the strip…. That or traffic dodging while trying to walk the Clearwater Memorial Causeway.
My reply letter is already typed up and ready to send. I’m glad I got a response. Now let’s see if Pam Iorio (or one of her staff) or Rick Baker (or one of his staff) reply.
For postierity
I wrote this poem with one person in mind and it’s odd that it has come true in every faccet.
….well, almost everything… until now.
Things might just be a scare but if not, it’s a serious issue has come up that coudl force a loss…. And no offense, but you were bound for it… Just because you reap what you sow.
Gruden and Bush – uncanny similarities
You know, I could talk up and down about he Presidential Debate last night (“You forgot Poland!” ) but I digress. That’s what all the other political blogs are for…. Soemone came off like a politician and someone came off hapless… That’s all I am saying.
However with Los Buccaneeros de Tampa Bay falling assunder — looking at going 0-4 for the first time since 1996 — I couldn’t help but start thinkign about Gruden and Bush last night. I mean, the debate put El Presidente on my mind and of course any Tampa Bay resident is going to put the Bucs on their mind at one point or another.
-
Bush came into power and was blessed with the state of the economy and state of the federal budget which the previous administration helped along. He was handed a world that wasn’t embroidered with peace but if he acted decisively and quickly – he could have dealt with a lingering foreign problem… September 11th happened (which was tragic) and people started to blindly follow him through the days that followed.
Jon Gruden came into power with The Buccaneers blessed with the Buccaneer roster anda shrewdly managed salary cap that the previous head coach helped along greatly during his tenure. He was handed a team that was dominant but couldn’t win the whole she bang, but if he acted decisively and quickly – he could turn the team into not just a one time Super Bowl champion but a dynasty. The Bucs were coming off a first round loss to the Philadelphia Eagles (again) which featured an inept offense (which was tragic) and people started to blindly follow Gruden (after he was hired) because he seemed to be the answer to things.
- Bush went to War with terror. Patriotism went through the roof and the man could seemingly do no wrong.
Gruden brought the Bucs to the Super Bowl and won. Team frevor went through the roof and Gruden could seemingly do no wrong.
- Bush went off on a tangent and wanted to attack Iraq, and verbally sparred with his allies when they wouldn’t agree with his plans.
Gruden went off on a tangent and started to attack his free agency carelessly, and verbally sparred with his General Manager when he (Rich McKay) wouldn’t agree with hsi plans.
- Bush continued to do as he pleased and sold Iraq on false pretenses…
Gruden continued to do as he pleased and cut John Lynch on porrous pretenses
- Bush surrounds himself with sychophants in his administration in order to continue with his carekess plans without opposition
Gruden surrounded himself with a sychophant (Bruce Allen) in the organization to continue with his careless plans without opposition.
- Bush’s cronnies made bad tactical decisions (Fallujah, Hallburton, etc)
Gruden’s cronny has made bad tactical decisions (signing Darrell Russell, Signing Charlie Garner, etc)
- Bush doesn’t think of the Future with the national debt, tax cuts and costly defict spending.
Gruden diesn’t think of the Future with his shunning of rookies, trading draft picks and costly/careless signings.
- Bush will not fess up to his mistakes
Gruden will not fess up to his mistakes
Maybe it’s just me, but this is how I see it. The similarities stop at the fact Bush can be kicked out of office in November and Gruden is contractually signed for a long time to come….
Birthdaze
It’s Birthday Time in teh Fontana Family – between my immediate family and extended family, quite a few birthdays come up around this time of year and I am always at a loss to find a gift or something to give mi familia…
And I WANT to give, I NEED to give… I hate just sitting around like a schmoe and not giving something…. That just feels really lowball.
The key problem areas are my older brother Michael and my father. Mike’s birthday comes up in a couple of weeks (August 29th) and basically he has taken an anti-materialism vow — though he seems like the most materialistic son of a bitch sometimes. He also seems to be very much into Pool lately so I am going to have to see if I can find something that fits along those lines as a gift (and no, a cue is out of the quesiton – he just bought one).
Meanwhile, I have another month before my fathers birthday. If Mike is hard to shop for, my father is impossible. ANy time of year, any holiday — outlandishly impossible. It’d be easier getting him a few days off at a casino than getting him anything material or meaningful…
IAnd I am 2 months away from #25…. I’m due out in LA on my birthday — if I can do something other than my usual trips to LA that are uneventful, it willb e a good day all by itself.
Keithed Short
Ah the wonderful world of Johnny. Details, details, details of Keith’s visit to suburban hell… er, Tampa Bay.
So I was f’n stoked on a Saturday Night when the Lightning tied the Stanley Cup finals. Keith, of course, is in disbelief. He had expected to be attending one of the upteenth city parites that would be going on if–no, WHEN the Flames had won.
But it didn’t happen that way.
So what happens when Keith gets home from Saddledome? He’s got to book hsi flight to Tampa. He had tickets lined up since the Flames / Lightning NHL Finals had been set. Game 7 tickets in fact. The series hadn’t been as good as we both had hoped but – gods – this was a game seven! You can’t scalp tickets for an event like this for less than 500 bucks… We got them through Ticketmaster before the game was even scheduled – so we’re in luck.
Sunday night, Keith was due to start flying to Tampa — going to Vegas first and then getting a connector flight / red eye to Tampa. Only problem was his flight was 2 hours late to begin with, which thus made him miss his connecting red-eye flight to Tampa.
Back in the Bay area I am going nuts Sunday night trying to figure out WTF has happened to Keith. He’s stranded, or is he moving? Flyte Comm basically confirmed where Keith was — just leaving Alberta – about the time I was ready to call it a night.
I decided to indeed call it a night, wondering what the hell was going to happen and how Keith woudl be when he finally got here – if he got here…?
I wake up bright and early Monday morning and have a sense of urgency running over me. Not just urgency but anxiousness. Within a couple of hours the Lightning would be playing for a world title and I would be in attendance.
Maybe.
My first thought is – where Keith? His connector fflight took off on time (fuck America West) and that meant he indeed missed his connector flight. I fought on the phone for a good hour trying to find out what happened to him and I find out (through America West customer service) that he’s “Taken another route and going to another city. He’s all right.”
Well, whoop-de-shit. He’s OK. Now where is he? “Sorry, can’t say… but he’s all right.” :rolleyes
I call his cell phone (which I am still told is a wrong number by parties that call back later — but it’s the same number that America West has in their system and same number I have from Keith directly) but I still tell him on his message service to give me a ring to let me knwo what happened and where he is…
I find out a little while later it’s Orlando, and he’s still on his way here.
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Powell wants Outrage — and yet he doesn't realize he has it
Talk about hypocritical bullshit.
Colin Powell is pissed off at Arab leaders for not showing more outrage towards the videotaped beheading of Nick Berg – US citizen – by Al Qaeda operatives in Iraq
:rolleyes
I apologize for rolling my eyes over that to Nick Berg’s family and those who are outraged and disgusted by Nick Berg’s death. What I do not apologize for is the fact that Colin Powell is part of an administration that has caused mass death in Iraq through an unjustified war and the destruction of basic things in the name of conquest (not ridding Iraq of WMD’s, not trying to liberate the Iraqi people – conquest). Tens of thousands of deaths, not to mention the disgust of the entire world at the pomposity of the US administration with it’s cavalier attitude…
And you express disgust over insufficient outrage over one death?
What is the world supposed to show to you, Mr. Colin Powell? You’ve dyed yourself in disrespect through your loyalty to one of the most corrupt administrations in US history and have pushed forward false pretense for war and you expect outrage over one death? No, Colin, after all the Arab deaths you’ve caused — you need to express outrage towards innocents killed through war from both sides of the fray. Moreso the Arab deaths which have been routinely underplayed in the US and by the US Administration which doesn’t even TRACK these deaths. You’re the one that needs to express more disdain and sympathy towards the Arab people. Why? Because, as Kerryfuck so eloquently stated, you and your boss “fucked it up.” You fucked up allegiance in the war on Terror in the Middle East by invading a country that has nothing to do with it.
Powell requesting outrage for Nick Berg is Stalin requesting outrage if a officer in one of his detention centers is killed by a inmate who is being held against his will. It’s like George Steinbrennner requesting outrage because a team with a lower payroll beat his Yankees. It’s like King George of England requesting outrage because John Hancock had the audacity to sign his name big on the Declaration of Independence (“the Treasonous swine! He shall pay!”)
It’s bullshit, Colin, when you are causing outrage every day in every other nation with the murders that are committed, with the depreciation US Soldiers (the select few — not all of them) commit. Why aren’t you expressing more outrage, Colin, at the other sides losses? Why isn’t the President doing the same? Or Rummy? Or Condi? Or Tricky Dick Cheney?
The Flock of Seagulls knows no bounds… :rolleyes.
Still on Team Dean
*sigh* — oh the Humanity…
John F. Kerry might be grinning like a schoolboy and John Edwards might be giddy too because they both have found new life after the Iowa caucus, but at the same time I have seen the Democratic Party take a severe hit. Mr. Dead and Mr. Inexperienced have gotten their new life and the villain — Howard Dean — from the Media’s take, is all but over as a candidate.
And if that’s the case, expect four more years of George W. Bush as president of the United States.
Look, this might look like sour grapes to certain democrats who see Bush as someone who HAS to get thrown out of office, no matter who it is facing him in November…. But the fact is John Kerry can’t carry the Democratic Party to victory in November. That’s been the case since he’s planned on running for President. Head to head, Bush would fleece Kerry in a general election not because of politics alone, but sheer personality. You see, Kerry lacks a personality… He comes off dead in both his looks and his attempts to show he has some shred of character. Riding motorcycles just won’t cut it, he comes off like Al Gore did in 2000.
Then there’s the “more of the same” dilemma to boot.
Kerry and Edwards are members of a group of Democrats who have failed to win over the hearts and minds of Americans as they have sat on Capital Hill. Not only have they failed on that task, they’ve failed to stand up for principles and values that are supposedly things that define the Democratic party. The fact they both voted for the Iraq war — and Kerry twisting the logic behind his yes vote shows his desperation to change history — is just part of the reason why I cannot bring myself to vote for either of them come November. It’s philosophical but at the same time, it’s personal. I’ve seen them both slander the lead candidate and twist his words, I’ve seen them both act exactly the same (in a non-impressive fashion) when speaking publicly…. More of the same, more of the same…
:puke
I don’t want more of the same. That was part of the reason I didn’t vote for Gore in the 2000 election — more of the same would have been scandals and his own flip-flopping on issues when speaking in public. Flip flopping specifically to seem more like his opponent and appeal to the moderates who were trying to guess who they would vote for. I certainly don’t want a candidate who is concerned about polling numbers and demographics when he tries to plot out how he would lead the United States. I want someone who’s not afraid to go against the grain, speak his mind, show some balls and kick some ass…
John F. Kerry, Joesph Lieberman, John Edwards and Dennis Kucinich don’t show that character… Al Sharpton may, but unfortunately he is also on the fringe. Howard Dean has consistently showed this and despite his loss in Iowa, despite the repeated airplay of his terrible Iowa speech blow-up, and despite what the media is saying, I still believe in him. I still back him… And I will continue to back him.
Heck, if Kerry or Edwards got the party nomination, I would sooner write Howard Dean in as where my vote was going than vote for them.
I believe in Dean.
One might get upset or urge me to think about General Wesley Clark, and for the most part — I’ve been thinking about him more lately as an alternative if in fact Dean is somehow eliminated in the near future (while Clark continues)…. The only problem with Clark is that, while he is knew to Politics, he comes off as a puppet of his advisor’s. THAT is more of the same as well — the same being George Walker Bush, the grand puppet of his advisor’s will… That isn’t something that appeals to me.
Dean appeals to me as being his own man… Someone willing to stand up and say “That’s not right!” and pick a fight over the issue….
Something Kerry failed to do.
Something Edwards and Lieberman failed to do.
Something Kucinich goes a little too wacky with his alternatives….
Something Sharpton needs to hone a little more…
Something Clark’s stances on aren’t always clear….
Something leading me to remain adamant that Howard Brush Dean, Medical Doctor, Former Governor of Vermont, is the one who should be the Forty Fourth president of the United States.
RIP Keiko / Willy
Keiko, star of ‘Free Willy’ movies, dies in Norway
Keiko, star of ‘Free Willy’ movies, dies in Norway
Sudden onset of pneumonia kills famous orca
SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER STAFF AND NEWS SERVICES
Keiko, the killer whale made famous by the “Free Willy” movies, has died in Norwegian coastal waters where he remained after millions of dollars and a decade of work failed to coax him back to the open sea, his caretakers said early today.
The whale, which was 27, died yesterday afternoon after the sudden onset of pneumonia in the Taknes fjord. He was old for an orca in captivity, although wild adult orcas live an average of 35 years.
David Phillips, executive director of the San Francisco-based Free Willy-Keiko Foundation, said Keiko had been in good health but started showing signs of lethargy and loss of appetite on Thursday.
“This is a long, sad day for us,” Phillips said.
One of his handlers, Dale Richards, said Keiko died quickly. “We checked his respiration rate, and it was a little irregular … he wasn’t doing too well,” Richards told The Associated Press. “Early in the evening, he passed away.”
I was working for Weblink Communications in 1998 when the entire Keiko-to-freedom movement was really coming to a head and he was being moved to not only his new aquarium in the Pacific Northwest but then back to Iceland.
I can remember seeing the streaming video of Keiko (still in the Pacific Northwest) slamming his tail just before being lowered into his new aquarium where he was nursed back to health… There were thousands watching in person – children, Media, others – and they were all ecstatic to see Keiko reacting like this…
I continued following him in Iceland and his escapades there. Then Norway after last summer, when Keiko was “let loose” from his pen in Iceland and swam, on his own, to a fjord in Norway, back into captivity of sorts.
Keiko will always have my imagination and my hope — and though I don’t know when this re-introduction-to-the-wild will be tried again, I hope it does hapen. There are too many animals that live in squalor to entertain us that would be better off free.
Hold Me, Thrill me, Kiss me, Kill me
So I forgot to bring up Thursday Night and what I was up to to keep myself busy but not keep my mind off problems entirely…
Michelle and Josh came around. They had both stopped by during my hospital stint and were a refreshing change of pace from the day to day. We just watched some flicks together and had a good time…
…And up until this movie-watching stint, I didn’t know how GAY the opening of Reservoir Dogs is… :tongue
There we are, sitting and watching the flick (Michelle had never seen it) and Tim Roth is going nuts because he’s been shot in the gut and in a lot of pain… Well, Tim and Harvey Keitel share a few intimate moments as Keitel tries to comfort Roth and Tim (Mr. Orange) ends up telling Harvey (Mr. White / “Larry”) to hold him… And Mr. White starts trying to build up Mr. Orange’s confidence and calm him down by combing Mr. Orange’s hair and asking him “Who’s a tough guy.,..” in a rather serene voice…
The entire fucking movie I am cracking jokes about that when Roth is on screen. “Hold me, Larry! Hold me! I’m a tough guy! I’m a tough guy!” There’s that cop who gets his ear cut off (:puke), Roth wakes up after passing out from blood loss and takes out Mr Blonde…
“Hey… Hey you… What’s your name?”
“Marvin… Marvin Nash…”
“Hold me, Marvin! Hold me! Don’t leave me, Marvin!”
I mean, I apologize to Quentin Tarantino and the guys in this movie because I absolutely love Reservoir Dogs and the work of some of these actors (Tim Roth especially)…. But that is the funniest, most closet homosexual shit I have seen. I started cracking jokes about having a Reservoir Dogs drinking game too. “When ever K-BILLY comes on, you take a drink…. Whenever Mr. Orange says ‘Hold me!’ you take a drink… Whenever Joe acts like an asshole, you take a drink… Whenever someone says ‘Dick’ you take a drink…” (that last word alone would have you drunk before the opening credits)…
We ended up watching Southpark later on and of course my entry on Southpark is up — you can read my take on that.…
At any rate, I got a first hand taste of the sick sorta need of having someone special in your life — well, sorta. I started missing what I have had in the past by watching Josh and Michelle together. It made me long tenderness. I haven’t had it in the past, per se, just someone to imagine it with… even that non-physical experience that I have had, I started longing. Living on the concept of emotion between two people is a very tough thing and I guess that’s one place I had faith… Faith in the emotion and pursuing it any way possible until things finally align so that the physical could be pursued. One way street though…
Getting back to the subject of Thursday… Michelle is determined to have another movie night sometime soon and get me to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Now, I’ve never been a horror buff but then again – when you’re watching movies with friends, you can watch about anything and enjoy it… :smile
Six Flags Water Park
I was healthy enough to go to the wonderful Six Flags St. Louis park today, so I woke up at 8 am to my stereo. The week before I moved in, there was a blackout because a transformer had a problem. Today they were fixing the problem, and they pre-warned us that the power would be out from 6 am until 11 am today. So thank God I put batteries in my stereo before I left home, just in case. Otherwise my roommate and I would have had to wake up to a cell phone alarm.
Also, my dorm happens to be in the basement, and for one reason or another, they never installed emergency lights. As soon as you walked into the hallway, the only light was the exit signs at either end. The bathroom had some light in it, luckily, because of the window. About 45 minutes later, my roommate and two other girls from my floor were ready to go. I was thinking about grabbing my jacket, but then I decided that I wouldn’t want to carry it with me if I didn’t need it.
That was a mistake.
We got on the bus and you could tell it had been raining all night, and it was sprinkling. The sky didn’t show any hope for clearing off, but we thought it would surely stop sometime during the day.
The park was great because there were no lines. We rode Mr. Freeze, Batman, a Scooby Doo ride (you had laser guns that you could shoot at targets while floating through this ride..and yes, it’s made for little kids), Ninja, The Boss, and some other little fair rides.
However, the rain never stopped. In fact, it began to downpour. I didn’t have a part of my body or a piece of clothing that was dry by noon, and we weren’t going to be picked up until 5. The rain stung your face when you were on any fast moving ride so opening your eyes was unthinkable. We decided at one point to try to get out of the rain and go to a show. It was so cold because of the air conditioning that we left before the show even started. So we stood. We stood and waited under awnings, we found a place selling hot chocolate, and then we stood there for probably a half hour. Occasionally I would go to the bathroom and wring my shirt out because it was so wet.
Then we heard that the park was closing at 3 instead of at 8pm. But wait, our bus wasn’t coming until 5! We wandered around, riding some other things for another hour until 3pm. We found a pay phone and called the coordinator for the trip–thank God two girls I was with remembered the number he dictated to us on the bus before we left.
He said he’d call the bus company for us and be sure that it got there early. It was already 3, though, and we were at least 40 minutes from our school. We didn’t expect the bus until 4. About 3:20, we were told by a security officer to go out to the pavilion where people purchase their parking passes and wait for our bus.
No more than ten minutes after we had been moved to the pavilion, the coordinator for the trip showed up. He couldn’t get hold of the bus company. The dispatcher wasn’t working or some B.S. like that. So we were stuck there until 4:30, freezing cold and soaking wet.
So, now that I’m feeling healthy again, I only hope that today doesn’t send me into another sick spell. I have to admit though, today wasn’t a total loss. I met some new people, got to ride every ride I wanted without a wait, and had some fun doing it all.
Coming to a head
C7 / T1 is not the tumor that is causing my legs to be weak, it’s not the tumor causing my sensation loss among other things.
It is, however, the tumor Dr. Smith wants to operate on, which would likely put me in dire straights afterwords because I wouldn’t be getting up out of bed — I’d be sitting in a wheelchair, unable to walk because my legs are so weak (and likely more).
The reaction I get from people is mixed — some want me to nuck-the-fuck-up, as I like to put it… Others don’t listen to me, while others can’t comprehend. My mom admittedly puts off problems — that’s how this got that far out of control to begin with, putting off and putting off and putting off. I’m so fucking SICK of putting off, and yet part of me wants to PUT OFF going after this upper back tumor in order to go after the one that causing the problems I am having in my lower portion of my body.
“But for fucks sake” I can repeat all the negatives only so much while wanting something to happen and unfortunately nothing gets done.
I made mention above about my mom telling me she puts off — she also asked in that conversation if I want to move out and never got a straight answer from me. I told her I can’t afford to, that I don’t have the money to pay for it and what not… I didn’t tell her the obvious though, “Yes I want to move out. Yes I want to be on my own, have my own place, call my own shots and all that jazz which I haven’t been able to do since things started going downhill.”
**sigh**
Choices
Choices are what defines our life and is an integral part of what drives us. Other’s choices have helped define you as a human being and helped form your habits. Your own choices have defined you up until this point in life – where you are reading this journal entry on a web site you chose to go to and you will choose if you will read beyond the end of this paragraph or if you will switch to a different web site on the World Wide Web (hell, you might have already).
Some choices bring you to joy and other choices bring you regret. Other’s choices can bring you to joy, or might make you regret that you dealt with them… Or perchance they will make you want to encourage them to make a better decision, a more thoughtful choice because the particular choice they are currently using going to end up hurting them.
You could look back at a relationship and say “Hey, it’s his / her loss” over the fact they chose another course over choosing you but at the same time – you’re most likely pinning in one way or another becasue you don’t want them to lose out on you, or in general.
It’s all about choices. Sometimes it’s not your own choice that forces you to live life in solitude but the choices of others — the choices they made to be part of the in crowd and how you wouldn’t be good for their image, or the choice you made to not associate yourself with this-or-that type of person because of some quality they have about them.
You’ll chose what you have to eat tonight, and what time you’ll go to bed — stay up and watch Letterman or maybe go to bed early to get a jump start on the new day? You’ll chose whether to sit back in your chair as you read this or shift side to side, or put your feet up on your desk while you read.
Choices, choices….
Do I take the blue pill or do I swallow the red? Do I make another movie quote here about a famous choice or do I go on with my ramble?
Some choices are made by fate, or by God or by whatever higher power is overseeing our lives. Disease, famine, drought, death, life – so it goes without saying that we have only so much we can control. Sometimes we just don’t want to control, sometimes we think control is an illusion… And then sometimes you realize your choices up until this moment made control look like an illusion, and you can’t get yourself back in control.
We’re all on the edge of sanity and sobriety in our lives and the choices we make put us on either side of that edge. Steven Tyler said it best when he sang, We can tell’em no, or we can let it go… but I’d rather leave it hanging on which is just leaving things flextible and open to decision at another time… It’s a choice I once found comfort in… Yet that was a time in the past, back in the days of high school and now I find myself making decisions because there is no more care free living. Not just that but leaving things wavering — for or against? Yes or no? Do or don’t? — often makes things worse than just getting them out of the way.
I’m surrounded by choices… They chide me, are snide to me, delight me and damn me all in the matter of a moment.
Choices… For you, for me, for society, for the world… Choices.
Johnny's Screwed
Finally
I get some help after bitching about falling forward.
I turn out
the lights and I fall forward. I cover up my eyes while I am free standing and
I fall forward. I pull off my shirt and I fall forward or backward.
My leg may
not have "given out". I may have suffered a falling-forward spell.
Last night
I had another loss of balance with the lights off — I’ve dealt with them on
and off since 1997 and this time something happened that scared me — after
grabbing a hold of something and steadying myself (the doorframe to the bathroom)
I felt a jarring in my head. You see, every time I upset a benign tumor somewhere
in my body, I end up getting a bit of a jarring sensation from it. This time
it came from my head.
It pissed
me off and upset me greatly because I was willing to deal with this back in
APRIL, let alone wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. My parents encouraged
me to wait with money and other things becoming a factor.
Now my back
is taking away sensation from my legs. My head gives me aches and has thrown
my balance off. My motor skills (my legs) are awkward at best. Things are deteriorating.
After everything
happened last night I sat down and I actually started sobbing to myself because
I felt walled in. If I told my parents about it they may very well do the putting
off again. "But the doctor said…" — The doctor said MONTHS ago!
MONTHS ago for Christ sake and I’m falling apart right in front of you! That’s
how it’s always felt with my family – I made a case for something with me, they
downplayed it or played ‘ignore it, maybe it will go away."
That’s just
another reason why I get pissed when people put off (or when I procrastinate
and put off) — you let things sit and feaster they get worse. Not better.
So after
I sobbed to myself I wrote my father an email (because it was something like
1:30 in the morning) before sitting down to read The Gunslinger (edited
version which wasn’t as good as the original)] telling him that we can’t keep
putting off and that something has to be done.
I got up
this morning and presto – he told me I had an MRI Wednesday at 1 (tomorrow where
I sit) and see Dr.
Bartels ont he 25th. I just wanted to say "What took you so fucking
long?" but that would have been pushing my luck. I honestly would have
dealt with this in the spring instead of letting myself rot as I’ve been forced
to. I can’t walk well, I couldn’t run for a while (and I blamed it all on the
back stuff — HA! I knew better!). I can’t stand or keep my balance and I get
headaches as well as other minor things… And yet everyone can put off because
it’s John and he bitches and whines like that.
In other
news I edited Assignment 2 from Der
Long Ridge though I may have already mentioned that in a recent journal
entry. It comes off a bit stiff still but it’s hard to present charisma in under
1000 words. It’s also not the most flattering piece but at the same time —
it really demonstrates the perception of knowing something and wanting something
and then realizing you can’t have it even though circumstances present themselves
that give you that perception.
