Tag: history
I didn't care then, and I don't care now…
I am not totally antisocial or apathetic towards the news – this posts on Stonegauge throughout it’s history should be reference to that…
But can someone PLEASE make the JonBenet Ramsey bullshit stop? Please?!
A little girl who was treated like a living doll gets killed and it’s been played out and strung along for ten years. Ten YEARS! Why the fixation? Why the facisnation?!
EDIT 8-21: This diary on Kos and the cartoon on the post says it all.
The Year in Review — Yuccaneers indeed
“Four and Twelve seems like a real possibility.”
You know, I got a bit of bashing for having this bleak outlook at the Bucs this season. I saw things going in a direction that was counter-productive to what fans wanted and what the NFL trend was and you know what? The Bucs got just what they deserved, those who thought I was full of shit and expected another playoff-run got what they deserved and I get to deal out humble-pie for a change.
God, you do not know how much of a dick I feel like righ tnow and how bad I feel about it. I wanted to be wrong about hte Bucs this season. Hell, I needed to be wrong about the Bucs this season in order to be proved wrong about the state of the franchise post-Gruden acquisition. Yet I was proven right and there is this impending sense of dread with the coming offseason that the Bucs will try to jump right into contention again by spending on past-there-prime players and we’ll end up completely fucked because of it.
Jon Gruden, the man who can do no wrong in certain fans eyes because he brought the Bucs to the promised land, needs a swift kick in his ass and his yes-man office assistant, Bruce Allen, should be fired post-haste before they further fuck things up by doing what Jon wants to do without regarding the wellfare fo the team. There is indeed a way to get the Bucs back to contention and it isn’t by signing players for more than they are worth, going after names and reputations instead of talent, etc…
This off-season, the Bucs need to cut the bullshit with the free agent spending. It’s rebuilding time and instead of going after everyone on the market (and former Raider players) they need to go after young talent that needs a chance to shine in starting roles instead of on special teams or what not. They need to say goodbye to Michael Pittman and Charlie Garner, Mario Edwards and others that were brought in during the 2004 off-season and start a youth movement.
That also means keeping around Derrick Brooks, Simeon Rice and some of the rest of the veterans on the squad. Not because the Bucs need to keep some aspect of contention but they need to keep some aspect of leadership and direction. Brooks gives them that and Rice give them taht on defense (along with Ronde Barber). Mike Alstott gives them that on offense along with Cosey Coleman, Joe Jervacius, etc.
They need to let Brian Griese walk isntead of further being cluster-fucked with the Salary Cap by agreeing to his 8 million dollar option. They should bring in journeymen QB’s and le tthem contend for the starting psoition against Chris Simms. You can make chicken salad out of chicken shit at the QB position — look at Jake Delholme. He was nothing until he got a chance to start with Carolina and the rest is history.
Gruden, with a roster of youth and hungry players, needs to run one fo the tightest ships he has ever run…. Along with one of the most intensive training camps that he has ever run. He’s been stradled with superstars since taking over head coaching duties for the Riaders a few years ago… Without having a huge cast of big-name hired guns, he might just get the clue that he’s going to have to have patience and actually coach and not just shout orders. He’ll have to lead and teach instead of just expect results from players that were brought along under someone else’s system.
2005 would turn into a painful experience for some – a hopeless endeavour… But then again, it would right the ship long-term by foricng the Bucs back into the building mode instead of Gruden’s ill-planned “retoolings” of the roster.
I expect retooling instead of building this offseason again, however :-(. I expect Brooks and Alstott to be cut instead of the true fat on the roster – the dead weight. All because Jon Gruden’s ego is so much bigger than his talent. He’s an overglorified Offensive Coordinator who’s gotten carte blanche of the Tampa Bay Buccaneer franchise and will run it into the dirt before he will concede that he’s fucked things up with his acquisitions and his preferences.
Mirimax History
I don’t give Ain’t It Cool news that much credit even though I happen to visit the site on a semi-regular basis because I am a movie fan… I find some of the fanboy-ness reviewing some movies to be an utter joke and the porrous HTML something that makes me sick.
But they do have their pluses.
A new reporter for AIn’t It Cool happened to be at a happening at the Museum of Modern Art in New York where the Weinsteins and Quentin Tarantino got together to give the audience a little taste of the story behind Mirimax pictures. Being big on Tarantino and admiring Mirmax and what the Weinsteins have done with it, I just had to read this thing and I’m glad I did.
If you’re a die-hard for movies and like to know the behind the scenes stuff, check it out.
The more times change, the more they stay the same…
&You know I used to work on the Internet for a Dot-Com pre dot-bomb (I would link to my former employer but alas — the Wayback Machine doesn’t have a good copy of the site in their history) and I used to hate sitting around and waiting on people to respond to email, waiting for search engines to index pages I make, or try to stay busy finding ways to beat the system.
Certain sites are reminding me of how I hate waiting. How I loath not being able to jump in and do the job when I learn how to do it….
Tarpon Springs and the Suburban-blight of WalMart Supercenters
Wal-Mart is trying to add the 44th (or is it more?) store to the Tampa Bay Metro Area by sticking one of their Supercenters on the bank of the Anaclote river in Tarpon Springs.
While Mary Jo Malone wrote an incredible piece on the subject a some time back on the fact Tampa Bay has too many Wal-Marts as is, I had to send Tarpon Springs my own piece on why Wal-Mart is not a good thing for the city.
I am very upset at the shortsightedness of those in power with the City of Tarpon Springs with their collective reasoning behind blessing Wal-Mart. Though the city has not approved of the new Super Wal-Mart being built on the banks of the Anclote river, it seems just a formality even with the public outcry against it.
One of the “major” issues that the Mayor and others have had with Wal-Mart is the sale of natural sponges at the proposed location – which seems to be an attempt to save downtown Tarpon Springs and the tourist trade. It also seems foolhardy seeing that you can go to most any Wal Mart location and see they do not sell natural sponges.
What Wal-Mart also sells is the death of small businesses. What this Wal-Mart will also sell is the slow death of Downtown Tarpon Springs. Has the city of Tarpon Springs paid absolutely no attention to the history of this area? Look at Clearwater alone – they struggle greatly because they have sold off land on US 19 to as many retail giants as possible, and now they are hit with a lackluster downtown area and are desperate to draw the people back. There is money for investment, sure, but the key component to downtown Clearwater is Scientology now, not residents..
Tarpon Springs, by the logic shown, is greatly concerned that the tourist trade will be unharmed by this addition to the city limits. What about the rest of Downtown? What about the small business owners who can’t compete with the monopoly-like tactics of Wal-Mart, which tends to profit even when losing money on sales? Is expanding the cities tax structure for one store so important that it kills off the rest of the cities tax structure by forcing the smaller competition to close their stores?
This isn’t even getting into the negative environmental impact of the store on the banks of the river, the ecological damage that this store will undoubtedly do and the increase of sprawl that we don’t need in North Pinellas / Southern Pasco county.
If the city of Tarpon Springs needs additional tax revenue — raise taxes. If the city of Tarpon Springs wants to be for Corporations and By Corporations like the rest of America under the current State government and Federal Government, by all means — vote in Wal Mart and watch the central district of Tarpon Springs fall away with time. The Sponge Docks will remain but everything else will pass.
Not the best… But still, it tries to convey a point.
Anyone who wants to speak out for or against Wal-Mart being built in Tarpon Springs shoueld email the city clerk and good luck conveying your point.
Four and Twelve seems like a real possibility
I haven’t talked about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for a real long time… I think the last time I put up a post was in January where I gave a general sports roundup. Of course, my sports eye has been on my primary love in Tampa Bay — The Lightning — and that means the Bucs (who I grew to love during their hapless years) have taken a back seat.
Before anyone lays into me about being a bandwagon fan, I support the Buccaneers and haven’t turned a blind eye because another team in town won a championship. The Bucs earned my love over the years from miserable to respectable, and the Lightning won my love since their inception and I place hockey just ahead of football because it was a sport I liked to compete in.
Anyway, I haven’t abandoned the Bucs but I have to turn my eyes because of the train wreck the franchise has become.
Lets go to January of 2003 first and foremost and Jon Gruden / The Tampa Bay Buccaneers winning the Super Bowl. When Jon won the title, little did fans know it gave him carte blanche over the Buccaneer Franchise. A team assembled by Rich McKay and Tony Dungy was put over the top by Jon and of course we all loved him for it because this was the Buccaneers finally reaching the paramount of the NFL after being as low as you could get for so long.
Things fell apart last year as Jon Gruden started to follow a trend that previous Buccaneer coaches have shown and fallen with — Absolute power corrupts absolutely. The Glazer’s catered to his every whim and the only guy who stood in his way was Rich McKay…
Was, past tense. Rich left the only franchise he had known and went north to Atlanta… Jon was allowed to keep walking the walk he wanted and the Bucs continued the downward spiral.
A trend from Oakland seems to be in place here — not just a desire for veteran players over building a team from the ground up with talented youngsters, but also a “Just win, baby” mentality that tells players their off-field antics amount to shit as long as they perform on the field.
Case in point – Michael Pittman remains on the Buccaneer roster even though he is guilty of ramming his car into his wifes vehicle with children inside. He faces possible jail time and Jon Gruden could give a shit.
The Bucs picked up another ass-clown from the Raiders in the form of Bruce Allen who cut one foo the greatest players in Tampa Bay Buccaneer history – John Lynch — and signed one of the most notorious players in NFL history — Darrell Russell, who drugged a girl and taped him and his friends raping her.
Allen went so far as to compare Russell with former president Bill Clinton and said the rapist is guilty of less crimes than Clinton. (side-note, Allen’s brother is a Republican Senator in Virginia)
I could keep going with moves the Bucs have made and crimes their players have committed since the Super Bowl Championship, but I can’t. It’s watching a train wreck as it occurs and their are more people than just myself who can see this. For the first time since Raymond James Stadium was opened, their are tickets available on Ticketmaster for Buccaneers games this late after the initial public offering of tickets. The Bucs boast a season ticket waiting list of 110 thousand but all it takes is filling out a form online in order to do so. Somehow, my name is on the Season Ticket waiting list and I hate watching football in person. I didn’t sign up and I don’t have the foggiest clue how I got on there…
The number is artificially inflated and more than half of those on this waiting list would not invest in the current product on field.
I look at the Buccaneers this season and I see the train wreck in progress. I feel bad for guys like Derrick Brooks and Mike Alstott who are pillars in the community and who will be cut lose if it meant a marginal offensive tool could be picked up. The once vaulted defense is in shambles and Jon Gruden was given a contract extension before the season to continue is free reign over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
6-10 may be a reach but 4-12 is still a possibility this season. Break out the orange, it’s Yuccaneer football all over again.
Powell wants Outrage — and yet he doesn't realize he has it
Talk about hypocritical bullshit.
Colin Powell is pissed off at Arab leaders for not showing more outrage towards the videotaped beheading of Nick Berg – US citizen – by Al Qaeda operatives in Iraq
:rolleyes
I apologize for rolling my eyes over that to Nick Berg’s family and those who are outraged and disgusted by Nick Berg’s death. What I do not apologize for is the fact that Colin Powell is part of an administration that has caused mass death in Iraq through an unjustified war and the destruction of basic things in the name of conquest (not ridding Iraq of WMD’s, not trying to liberate the Iraqi people – conquest). Tens of thousands of deaths, not to mention the disgust of the entire world at the pomposity of the US administration with it’s cavalier attitude…
And you express disgust over insufficient outrage over one death?
What is the world supposed to show to you, Mr. Colin Powell? You’ve dyed yourself in disrespect through your loyalty to one of the most corrupt administrations in US history and have pushed forward false pretense for war and you expect outrage over one death? No, Colin, after all the Arab deaths you’ve caused — you need to express outrage towards innocents killed through war from both sides of the fray. Moreso the Arab deaths which have been routinely underplayed in the US and by the US Administration which doesn’t even TRACK these deaths. You’re the one that needs to express more disdain and sympathy towards the Arab people. Why? Because, as Kerryfuck so eloquently stated, you and your boss “fucked it up.” You fucked up allegiance in the war on Terror in the Middle East by invading a country that has nothing to do with it.
Powell requesting outrage for Nick Berg is Stalin requesting outrage if a officer in one of his detention centers is killed by a inmate who is being held against his will. It’s like George Steinbrennner requesting outrage because a team with a lower payroll beat his Yankees. It’s like King George of England requesting outrage because John Hancock had the audacity to sign his name big on the Declaration of Independence (“the Treasonous swine! He shall pay!”)
It’s bullshit, Colin, when you are causing outrage every day in every other nation with the murders that are committed, with the depreciation US Soldiers (the select few — not all of them) commit. Why aren’t you expressing more outrage, Colin, at the other sides losses? Why isn’t the President doing the same? Or Rummy? Or Condi? Or Tricky Dick Cheney?
The Flock of Seagulls knows no bounds… :rolleyes.
Lightning clinch #1 seed
With Boston’s tie against Washington, the Bruins can do no better than tie the Lightning for most points in the conference.
Meaning for the first time in their history, the Tampa Bay Lightning are regular season Eastern Conference champs and secure home ice advantage throughout the playoffs! :woot
Lemme say this again because this is weighty stuff for anyone who has been following this team since their inception, through the ups and downs:
THE TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING ARE REGULAR SEASON EASTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS!
Yes, this means absolutely jack shit in the playoffs, but this is still an incredible feet for a franchise that lost 50 games for 4 straight seasons)
:smile
Domain name history?
Just for the record — does anyone know where you can find past registrar history about any domain name (like who owned it and such)?
Just curious….
Chilling Possibilities
Global warming will plunge Britain & Europe into new ice age ‘within decades’
A study, which is being taken seriously by top government scientists, has uncovered a change “of remarkable amplitude” in the circulation of the waters of the North Atlantic.
Similar events in pre-history are known to have caused sudden “flips” of the climate, bringing ice ages to northern Europe within a few decades. The development – described as “the largest and most dramatic oceanic change ever measured in the era of modern instruments”, by the US Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute, which led the research – threatens to turn off the Gulf Stream, which keeps Europe’s weather mild.
If that happens, Britain and northern Europe are expected to switch abruptly to the climate of Labrador – which is on the same latitude – bringing a nightmare scenario where farmland turns to tundra and winter temperatures drop below -20C. The much-heralded cold snap predicted for the coming week would seem balmy by comparison.
This might seriously put a damper on my plans to cross Abbey Road sometime in the near future…. :tongue
Seriously — the Gulf Stream turning off would lead to increased strikes of Hurricanes against the US east coast, the northeast’s winters would be much more chilling too….
Still on Team Dean
*sigh* — oh the Humanity…
John F. Kerry might be grinning like a schoolboy and John Edwards might be giddy too because they both have found new life after the Iowa caucus, but at the same time I have seen the Democratic Party take a severe hit. Mr. Dead and Mr. Inexperienced have gotten their new life and the villain — Howard Dean — from the Media’s take, is all but over as a candidate.
And if that’s the case, expect four more years of George W. Bush as president of the United States.
Look, this might look like sour grapes to certain democrats who see Bush as someone who HAS to get thrown out of office, no matter who it is facing him in November…. But the fact is John Kerry can’t carry the Democratic Party to victory in November. That’s been the case since he’s planned on running for President. Head to head, Bush would fleece Kerry in a general election not because of politics alone, but sheer personality. You see, Kerry lacks a personality… He comes off dead in both his looks and his attempts to show he has some shred of character. Riding motorcycles just won’t cut it, he comes off like Al Gore did in 2000.
Then there’s the “more of the same” dilemma to boot.
Kerry and Edwards are members of a group of Democrats who have failed to win over the hearts and minds of Americans as they have sat on Capital Hill. Not only have they failed on that task, they’ve failed to stand up for principles and values that are supposedly things that define the Democratic party. The fact they both voted for the Iraq war — and Kerry twisting the logic behind his yes vote shows his desperation to change history — is just part of the reason why I cannot bring myself to vote for either of them come November. It’s philosophical but at the same time, it’s personal. I’ve seen them both slander the lead candidate and twist his words, I’ve seen them both act exactly the same (in a non-impressive fashion) when speaking publicly…. More of the same, more of the same…
:puke
I don’t want more of the same. That was part of the reason I didn’t vote for Gore in the 2000 election — more of the same would have been scandals and his own flip-flopping on issues when speaking in public. Flip flopping specifically to seem more like his opponent and appeal to the moderates who were trying to guess who they would vote for. I certainly don’t want a candidate who is concerned about polling numbers and demographics when he tries to plot out how he would lead the United States. I want someone who’s not afraid to go against the grain, speak his mind, show some balls and kick some ass…
John F. Kerry, Joesph Lieberman, John Edwards and Dennis Kucinich don’t show that character… Al Sharpton may, but unfortunately he is also on the fringe. Howard Dean has consistently showed this and despite his loss in Iowa, despite the repeated airplay of his terrible Iowa speech blow-up, and despite what the media is saying, I still believe in him. I still back him… And I will continue to back him.
Heck, if Kerry or Edwards got the party nomination, I would sooner write Howard Dean in as where my vote was going than vote for them.
I believe in Dean.
One might get upset or urge me to think about General Wesley Clark, and for the most part — I’ve been thinking about him more lately as an alternative if in fact Dean is somehow eliminated in the near future (while Clark continues)…. The only problem with Clark is that, while he is knew to Politics, he comes off as a puppet of his advisor’s. THAT is more of the same as well — the same being George Walker Bush, the grand puppet of his advisor’s will… That isn’t something that appeals to me.
Dean appeals to me as being his own man… Someone willing to stand up and say “That’s not right!” and pick a fight over the issue….
Something Kerry failed to do.
Something Edwards and Lieberman failed to do.
Something Kucinich goes a little too wacky with his alternatives….
Something Sharpton needs to hone a little more…
Something Clark’s stances on aren’t always clear….
Something leading me to remain adamant that Howard Brush Dean, Medical Doctor, Former Governor of Vermont, is the one who should be the Forty Fourth president of the United States.
Interaction #2 — Part Three: Inter-answers
Keith Asked
1. New York Yankees, or New York Rangers?
Rangers. They spend all that money and STILL suck!2. If you were told you could be rich and famous, but would die in 10 years, would you want it?
I don’t know… Sometimes I feel like I only have 10 years to live anyway… So I’m really not sure. IF I could be rich, make everyone financially secure and better off financially and pass away in ten years – not knowing how long I had to live myself… I’d have to seriously give it consideration.3. Rosie O’Donnell nude, or Oprah Winfrey nude?
Oprah nude… I don’t think I could take all the skin folds on Rosie4. Would you rather be destitute and in love, or rich and in a meaningless relationship?
Destitute and in love, any day.5. Onions are the root of all evil, explain why. :wink
Hmmm, this is a tough one, a good one at that. You see, Onions tend to cause gas in people and that adds methane to the atmosphere – from all the people breaking wind because of Onions in their meals. Methane gas helps global warming and making the earth a less hospitable place to live. If, because of all the onions we eat, we end up making the Earth unable to sustain life, we could put enough blame on Onions for it… And for one vegetable to cause that much death and destruction that would come from global warming, it could be easily concluded that Onions are the root of all evil.
PPH Asked:
1. What’s your favorite color?
Blue or green2. When do you give up on someone?
You only give up on someone when they have given up on you or stopped showing interest, or pushed you away so much it’s quite visibly their move. If someone turns a blind eye towards you or stops talking to you or just puts you off in general, you get to the point where you might have to just give up on them because the hurt that it causes becomes too much. Then again? When you love somebody, you it’s hard to bring yourself to stop trying. It’s gotta be mutual in the end, though. This goes for friendships too.3. Paper or Plastic?
Paper. Renewable resource that biodegrades. Call me a eco-freak.4. Skankiest entertainer?
Madonna with Christina Aguilera a runner up. Britney is coming up the back awfully fast too.5. Will Howard Dean win the election? :o)
He sure better. We need him.
Sarah Asked
1. What’s better, rambling or silence? Rambling, but conversations that go on and on and everything else falls away during them isn’t rambling.
2. If you want to speak to someone, what reasons can you think of not to?
Depends on what the deal is with that someone. If there are things left unsaid, or things that were never apologized for, that might be a reason… If a person won’t get back to you, that might be a reason. If you’ve been treated poorly and that’s been unacknowledged, that might be a reason… You can still very much want to talk to someone, but when they build a wall to keep you out of their life, you’ve got to build a wall of your own to keep your sanity.3. When things go wrong, who’s fault is it most of the time?
It’s not about blame but it’s about making things right again – and that takes an effort from all parties. That’s the problem in this country because people won’t take steps to make things better (government, corporations, people in relationships)… They can assess blame and finger point real well, but they can’t rectify situations – or chose not to because it would compromise their ambitions or their ego. Why get involved in the muck of trying to fix things when you can keep going and come back to the problem after it’s been fixed by itself? Why not try to fix it or get involved in resolving the situation instead of avoiding it?
When someone avoids dealing with a situaiton, that’s when blame gets dumped on them.4. Life’s ________ so __________. (fill in the blank)
Life’s a song, so sing. Life’s but a dream, so someone’s having a nightmare. Life’s a journey; so don’t treat it like a destination.5. Who’s closer to the truth, the scientist or the religious man?
I think it’s right in the middle between them where the truth lay – both men are close to the truth, but only to a point. There is only so much physical before the spiritual comes into play and only so much spirituality before the physical explanation comes into play. I think God has a helping hand in Science and Science has a helping hand in God.
Melanie Asked:
1. Out of all the Shakespeare plays, what is your favorite tragedy AND your favorite comedy??
I haven’t read that much Shakespeare in order to give you a good answer but I know my favorite tragedy is Hamlet. Comedy? It’s tough to say this because I don’t have much to gauge but 12th Night.2. Who in your opinion was the greatest president of the US? And Why?
I thought you didn’t do politics? :p This is a tough one because I don’t know everything about every president who has been there. There’s Clinton who lead us through prosperity, but he had partisan politics and scandals malign his term in office… We had Abe Lincoln who did his damnedest to preserve the Union and had his life tragically taken from him. We had JFK who taught us to aim high and to try, and also had his life tragically taken from him… But I think the greatest president in US history is one that others might think of as the worst president of US history – Franklin Delano Roosevelt. He presided over the toughest time of the 20th century – the great depression and World War 2. He handed the US a new deal and did what he could to bring the nation back from the depression. It was a long hard road, but it eventually happened. He overcame disability to achieve this, and was elected for more terms than any previous US president, showing the People were behind him.3. Would you rather pop a can of Pringles or pop a cherry?
“Once you pop, you can’t stop.” It just depends on who, and what type of Pringles. To decide between a person and some potato chips, that’s pretty pathetic right? That’s how I work though, I guess.. It’s not the body part but who it’s attached to…4. If you could be any age, what age would you be and why?
18. That or sometime in my teens. Everything was in front of me and I just had so much optimism how it would play out, I was angry and yet I was interested in finding my niche. Being able to look forward more and not look around and feel like a failure, it would mean the world to me.5. If you were a hamburger, what toppings would cover you?
Anohter patty so we can have some meat on meat action, spread some ketchup over both of us for added sensuality, and then onions to further prove that they are the root of all evil – not only do they help spread methane gas, they are a key part of burger-on-burger carnal pleasure. Put a bun on and take a bite and you will taste the pure ecstacy brought on by the hot burger patty action.
Small Town Clique
Hey..it’s Sarah again…I just need to blow some steam tonight, so I’m very greatful to John to allow me to write on here when I want. Thank you John. So…here’s my steam..
I spent my entire childhood and teen years dealing with cliques. There were the popular girls, the smart-suck-up girls, the drug addicts, and then there was my group…the somewhat unpopular people who stuck together because with out each other, we had no one.
In sixth grade I started hanging out wiht the smart-suck-up girls. It was the year from hell. I was the butt of the jokes, the one being laughed at, the one forced to sit at the other half of the table when there wasn’t room for everyone to sit on one half. I hated it, and it didn’t take me long to decide not to hang out with them anymore. I felt like shit though…because I had made fun of the people who were my friends before because I thought I was better..I had moved up in the chain of popularity. But I went back to this group, and never left them out again.
I hated the cliques of middle school, and they were still very prevalent my senior year of high school. The good thing was that we all started to get along in high school, because we left the petty things behind. I thought I’d be able to leave the pettiness and cliques of my home town in the dust and be able to form new relationships with many people…and hang out with them all, not having a clique of my own or others to worry about.
I was wrong. I went to lunch today with three girls from my floor…I hardly know two of them, but they are truly nice people, like the third girl that I’ve known since she moved in. One offered to get me a drink, another recommended trying a dessert…they were nice people that I didn’t expect to be nice people.
Then for dinner I went with three people who I know very well. My roommate, Katrina, and Jozie. My roommate and I get along pretty well, so I was thinking. We haven’t fought, nor has she shown any sign of a problem with me. Katrina’s ok…kind of judgemental as I’ve gathered. Then there’s Jozie, who I haven’t had a warm feeling from since I met her. She never seems to want to talk to me..and when she does talk to me, she’s always short and snappy. So I was the last to sit down to eat, and when I sat down they were talking about going somewhere tonight (last night since it’s after midnight now), and then the conversation stopped.
They talked about a lot of things, but didn’t really include me in the conversation..and when I tried to speak up, someone interrupted me…no one laughed if I said something that i expected would be funny. On the way back, they kind of asked each other if they were going to take showers and what not, and when we into the dorm (it’s about 50 steps to get inside) there’s two stair cases, the first goes only to the 1st level, and the second goes all the way down here. Katrina, Mary and I live on the lowest level. Jozie asked if they were coming to her room, and they all went. Feeling enough of a “third” wheel (though I was indeed the fourth person), I said I was going to go down here right away.
And off they went. I went into my friend Louise’s room to see what she was doing, and about 45 minutes later, went to my room to drop off my keys and id in the room. There’s Mary and Jozie all ready to go out… They never asked if I wanted to go..never acted like they wanted me to go…and I didn’t want to go with them anyway. Not after they had treated me like shit at dinner.
What pisses me off is that I’m going to be the one to hear all about it tomorrow (today…time thing), and how much fun they had…and frankly I want to rub their nose in it. That’s how I felt in 6th grade. And in 6th grade, I just changed my group of friends.
It’s not so easy to do, though, when you don’t have people around to catch your back when you fall…When you have no history with people and they already have their friends that they hang out with…
It really feels shitty…much like reliving 6th grade all over again.
Loneliness
I’m quite sad right now..without a reason really. I’m quite lonely and I have this yearning inside of me that just wishes I had someone here to curl up with and watch a movie or to sit and talk with while we listen to music. The feeling is indescribable to me…like fingernails on a chalk board it really gets me to the point where I want to grit my teeth or throw my head into my pillow until I pass out from exaustion.
It has taken my energy away and made me feel a wave of depression sweep through. I am supposed to be reading my history but I cannot focus to do so. I cannot focus enough to do much of anything, especially writing a journal entry. Generally when I get in this mood I write until my little hand cannot take any more writing or I type until my wrists hurt. There are just so many thoughts that I throw down on paper or onto the screen that I could go through for you right now.
Quite frankly, when I fall into this slump I feel like talking to John the most..he can usually bring me out of it. He’s the one guy I’ve almost always been able to depend on for anything. I can’t wait until he gets back to talk to him..after being away from him for a while I start to feel like part of me is missing..somehow he seems to bring it out in me.
I think he knows that…I think he feels the same too. So maybe I’m not feeling a sort of loneliness..maybe it’s more of a heartache.
Well…that’s all for tonight. I think I’m going to just lay on my bed and let my mind wander for the next couple hours.
Cure Me or Kill Me
This song is so appropriate right now (ok, the title more than the verse)…
Cure me… or Kill me
By Gilby Clare
When the last car hit the wall
Was the guilt still in or head?
In your magic crystal ball
Is the power that made you mad
You can’t save yourself,
it’s a pleasure cruise
You’re damned for a million years
There’s a viper in your bedroom
Under the sheets is tarantula fuzz
When she bites, she bites for murder
I bleed the Addams Family blood
There’s a spell on me that I can’t reverse
It’s a sympathy cross you burn
Cure me or kill me..
But don’t leave me here for dead again
Cure me or kill me..
But don’t leave me here for dead again
This is your last happy Christmas
Your worst Birthday party
The cyanide in your poison ring
Wouldn’t cure my misery
Don’t bury me when I’m history
I think you’ll find an easy way out
