Tag: heartache
What I've learned
You know, I wanted to write a long post about moving on from this ill-communication SNAFU that’s led to me drawing myself into a shell and feeling like someone died. Someone was snuffed out, and the person holding the gun simply said “oops” after the body hit the floor, hid it, and then announced to the world they used a glock pistol the first time.
Yes, I was going to tell everyone what I had learned from this, or had reinforced in me. Facts that apply to current and past malignant relations: Communications are vital in any friendship or relationship; that distance can and will kill (especially if you are half hearted on the communication front); that you make time for what’s important to you; if someone isn’t reaching back much when you reach out to them, they just aren’t that into you; that oftentimes we don’t want to see the obvious and want to imagine all is hunky-dory even though the painful truth is right in front of us.
But the two ultimate truths in this case at the top of my list
:
- I’m tired of being disrespected, or belittled in how someone deals with me. Not being honest or forthcoming while someone has the wrong idea and allowing them to go on is a huge disrespect to them.
- I hate being mad at the source of this disrespect
The problem here is, the first point trumps the second.
With my big heart, it’s too often I get disrespected or taken for granted. Willing to listen even if it hurts, to make time for someone even if I am busy, to reach out to even if it costs more than I have, to be understanding to a fault… I’ve lost other friends in the past because I allowed the disrespect to the point I was upset every time we talked.
Being big hearted makes my friends a priority and sadly, in this case, priority is the reason I know this entire situation won’t be settled any time soon. Because if I was a priority in simple friendship, none of this would have ever happened. I would have been down on myself a few days, but the 2nd of two “trump all” points would have ruled instead of the first.
Writing this won’t make things better, but it gets this stuff out of my head and out into the open for better or worse.
Wash away the pain
So I went over Andy’s house about 3 or 4 hours ago…. It’s the first time I’ve been there since last September and from the outside the house looked incredible. Still a work in progress, but it still was incredible and I was proud of how well it was set up.
Then I got inside.
There was a vibe — I LIKE the house, I like how he’s constructed it, but there was a vibe… A bad vibe. Everything from yesterday just seemed to hang on the air. Animosity? Oppression? Disdain? Sadness? Anger? Torment? Abuse? Things like that just hung around the house.
Me and the majority of my family along with Andy’s best friend Adam went ahead and cleaned the house, and going through all of this — you could feel this bad vibe on all the dirt and grime of the house. Underneath it there was this feeling of love — a tormented feeling at that, like it was maligned by forces….
We got through everything and the house felt better — like we spread some good Karma in there. I am not one of those new-age people when you hear me saying stuff like vibes and karma, but things just felt more unified… Like we healed the spirit inside his house a little. I don’t know… Maybe it was just me?
Hopefully that good karma carries over for my brother and for my family and gets my brother through his time of heartache.
Loneliness
I’m quite sad right now..without a reason really. I’m quite lonely and I have this yearning inside of me that just wishes I had someone here to curl up with and watch a movie or to sit and talk with while we listen to music. The feeling is indescribable to me…like fingernails on a chalk board it really gets me to the point where I want to grit my teeth or throw my head into my pillow until I pass out from exaustion.
It has taken my energy away and made me feel a wave of depression sweep through. I am supposed to be reading my history but I cannot focus to do so. I cannot focus enough to do much of anything, especially writing a journal entry. Generally when I get in this mood I write until my little hand cannot take any more writing or I type until my wrists hurt. There are just so many thoughts that I throw down on paper or onto the screen that I could go through for you right now.
Quite frankly, when I fall into this slump I feel like talking to John the most..he can usually bring me out of it. He’s the one guy I’ve almost always been able to depend on for anything. I can’t wait until he gets back to talk to him..after being away from him for a while I start to feel like part of me is missing..somehow he seems to bring it out in me.
I think he knows that…I think he feels the same too. So maybe I’m not feeling a sort of loneliness..maybe it’s more of a heartache.
Well…that’s all for tonight. I think I’m going to just lay on my bed and let my mind wander for the next couple hours.
