Category: Personal
The life and times of John Fontana — personal blog posts about things John is dealing with / going through / thinking of / experiencing.
This Shoulda' Killed Me
Upon arriving in Los Angeles, I was greeted by clear blue skies, temperatures in the 90’s and smog so thick that I couldn’t tell where it ended and the mountains began (that changed as I rode FlyAway closer to downtown).
Yeah, I was happily back in the City of Angels and thinking about the steps ahead of me… Get to Union Station and walk down the ramp to the Metro subway terminal, take Metro to the Julian Dixon transit center, walk up Fig 4 blocks to the Bonaventure. Check in.
Easy enough, right?
Oh, some of that went off without a problem. That walk, however, proved more difficult than it should have been. I employed my cane (which I’ve basically stopped using back at home) because of how uneven the ground would be. Between uneven sidewalk (not steep, just uneven) and a backpack stuffed full (along with a long sleeve shirt stuck in the top loop of the bag), that walk was a challenge. Oh, add to it the heat and you have the makings of quite an undertaking for someone like me.
But lets flash forward. After that walk my head was clearly out of place — not discouraged but I didn’t think I was paying well enough attention to where I was going and what was right in front of me. That brought back memories over and over again of my LAST visit to Los Angeles and my last stay at the Bonaventure hotel.
Not paying attention, poor balance due to uneven surfaces, etc, etc. It had all contributed to my literal downfall.
I checked in, unpacked my stuff and was hungry. I wanted to not only get a bite to eat but maybe snap some pictures somewhere. But the only place that came to mind was on the Bonaventure property. The skybridge crossing 5th street to National City Bank Plaza.
Post lunch (which I had at Flower Street mall underneath National City Bank plaza), I take the sky bridge across Fifth and behold the scene of the crime:
Lemme use my own words from what happened to recount the accident:
So I find this exit to a skybridge — whoo hoo! — and start walking down a long corridor with skylights. I ignorantly think I am on the skybridge itself (the Bonaventure has several and ALL are uncovered) when in fact I am walking beneath the pool deck/patio of the building.
So I come to the end of that hall and find a pair of double doors saying thank-you, leaving-the-hotel, blah-blah-blah…. I can see a flight of stairs down and a flight of stairs up a short distance in front of me. I swing those doors open and walk a few steps — never observing the two steps down immediately in front of me.
Anarchy ensues.
I tumble and smash my face into a concrete-ornamental-edging at the side of the wall. I wither and moan in pain. I’m shaking, I’m bleeding, I think I’ve broken my nose.
2400 miles from home, no family in the greater Los Angeles area… The gimp-with-a-limp has worked himself ineptly into a fine mess.
You look at that edging, you look at those steps… It’s all poured concrete, that’s a two foot drop between those steps and the next solid level. I may have called myself a “gimp-with-a-limp” but that was only partially the truth. I was a gimp-with-a-limp who had a major operation just about 3 months previously. Major neurological surgery and then an accident like this where you miss two steps and smash your nose into the edge of a solid concrete curb with full body force?
That fall should have killed me. Not could have, should have.
I commented on that post from last year, saying I’m barely swollen, no black and blues or anything. Just a little tender in the shnozz but that’s that.
I’d like to say, John, that you are one lucky son of a bitch. Someone out there likes you…
You would think they knew SOMEthing
One of the minor treats being in Los Angeles late this week was the ease of gettign to and from things I wanted to check out without having to bum a ride, or take a cab. There were a few things I wanted to get done out there with national stores that I couldn’t get done here in Tampa Bay because of the disconnect and provincialism of the Greater Tampa Bay area.
One of those things was trying to find a T-Mobile store and get a demo of the G1, the Google phone. There were supposed to be demonstration versions of the phone in-store in several markets including Los Angeles. Places where they could utilize 3G technology and what not.
So, I got to Hollywood and Western and took a little amble over to the T-Mobile store… A nice place tucked away in a larger shopping plaza. Walking inside, I was almost immediately greeted by a sales rep. The problem was, and this seems to be a trend, the sales rep deffered me to their web site in dealings with the G1.
I shrugged it off and brought up the Blackberry handhelds. I told them that I have no access to a store where I am from (which is not outside the truth) and this would be my chance to check out a handheld in person. I also brought up the enigmatic Blackberry Javelin, which is to be the successor to the Curve. Once again, I got a rather clueless response that meets with the trend of an uninformed company rep.
That’s not trying to get on the Rep for not being able to answer my questions — I’m not deliberately trying to shoot the messenger here. I am more surprised that T-Mobile does not try to pass on information down to it’s staff in a timely manner. Keep them informed, keep them assessed of changes and the situation.
Never the less, the trip was a waste of time. I got to check out the Curve in person but I didn’t get anything I can’t get somewhere else.
preflight decrees
Airside C at tampa international is amazingly gorgeous.
Now if the average age of those around me wasn’t “fossil”
Westward Ho!
Come this time next week, I’ll be preparing for a flight to Los Angeles on my yearly sojourn out of the Humidity of Tampa Bay and into smog (and drier, cooler temperatures) of LA.
Yet I’m curious about a few things — and would love some input…
For example, for those of you who have been to LA before (or perhaps live there), where would you suggest someone go for a good breakfast downtown? I’m more of a pancake person than eggs person, and I have heard and seen more offerings of omlets and egg specials than of a good stack’o’jacks. Sure, I could order room service at the hotel, but I’d rather get out of the building.
Number two, where would you go? My options are limited as I am depending on Metro to get around (no car) so while I can get to Hollywood, Long Beach, Pasadena and some points in between, getting out to Santa Monica or Beverly Hills is a bit more difficult.
And here is a complication that may or not be remedied through comments: I don’t own a laptop, right? I do own a Blackberry and can be kept abreast about problems with work or things that need to be done. If I DID need to get on a PC – where should I go? (Bonaventure business center?)
What’s the deal with Sprawlparks?
For a couple of years, there has been an ongoing story in northern Pinellas County about the need for additional playing fields for local youth sports. Every plan takes a huge tract of land and creates multiple fields at one location. Thus the term “sprawlpark.”
Heck, look at the city of Oldsmar’s description of it’s Canal Park complex — “Sprawling” over 46 acres. 46 ACRES!
What ever happened to neighborhood parks? Or neighborhood playing fields? Why put multiple fields in one location and treat it like a friggin’ mall (one stop shopping!) instead of a more localized situation?
First of all, I guess developers are in part to blame, as well as the county. The county, while trying to address needs, puts for the most cost effective plan — as multiple fields in one location can be maintained easier. Of course, the concept of civic and neighborhood pride doesn’t play into this… But from an administrative level, it makes as much sense as putting bus stops in easily reached logistical locations without thinking about traffic (the old busing plan for the county that resulted in anarchy and deaths of students who had to cross multiple lanes of traffic to get back home).
The developers get the blame for, and this is common in Florida, not helping the county by providing infrastructure and space. Where neighborhoods like Lake St. George, Lansbrook, Ridgemore and so many others were built to the brim with housing styles… Public space wasn’t offered outside of clubhouses paid for in part by home owners association fees.
Logistically, it might be easier to have several ballfields in one location instead of them dotting the landscape — one here, one there, several miles apart — but at the same time, you will not have the same volatile reaction by putting a baseball field in an already estabilished neighborhood compared to building large scale park complex and bringing development, noise and light pollution into a sparsely developed corner of the county.
Stimulating an inferiority complex
I’ve got a friend who likes to highlight his frustrations and sometimes show off a perpetual defeatist attitude: One where he goes into a situation worried and “a wreck” and comes out worse off with no confidence at all. Usually these are either social situations where he’s trying to make inroads with a virtual stranger / romantic interest or job interviews where he feels like he has to sell himself.
Well, he has to do that in both… Or he’s certain of it. Sell who he is and what he stands for and demonstrate it.
In comparison, my worry is attaining these situations. I’m not fearful, going into it, of screwing up a job interview or a social meeting but I know that afterward I will worry that I did just that. Be it a job interview or a date. I don’t sell myself but I try to be myself.
But like I said, it’s attaining these things that worries me. That challenges me. That makes me a wreck and makes me frustrated. I scan over job listings and I see jobs I could do but then there is one, two, three, maybe a few other details that I know I couldn’t handle or things I cannot fill in because I lack those credentials. On dating sites, it’s seeing someone’s image and knowing that’s just what you want and then not getting a reciprocation of interest when you reach out to them. Or worse, “Thanks but no thanks.” Some dating sites are worse because you find out how “compatible” you are with someone and see you are not nearly their ideal… Or lack one or two key intangibles time and again on every single listing you read and requirements of what the other person wants.
You start doubting yourself and everything about yourself. Do you have skills? Absolutely. Do you have talent? Unquestionably. Do you have something to offer in a relationship? Undoubtedly…
…they just don’t seem to apply to anything you are applying for, though.
It feels like there is a phantom job that is out there just for you. There’s a phantom person that is waiting for you to drop into their lives. I’m not even talking about ideals here, but I am talking about something above bottom-of-the-barrel. I’ve been in both jobs and relationships that I ended up feeling were beneath me. The job didn’t make me feel so bad because I was being productive and I gave my all for my paycheck. You don’t get a “paycheck” in a relationship, so to speak, so you better damn well feel productive and happy with who you are with.
But in the hunt for either a job or a relationship, I end up feeling torn down before I even get a chance to make an attempt. That’s a repeatedly poor situation that just keeps popping up.
what to do, what to do (ongoing)
So here I am, writing a blog post from my Blackberry and wondering about jumping to Verizon for the Curve, or waiting for the Blackberry Storm, or maybe something else.
Renewing with T-Mobile won’t happen due to poor Customer Service and other woes (MMS – picture – message support has been suspect at best) and the costs to upgrade are ridiculous.
AT&T wireless is out too. Their Data-Only plans are not only unclear but potentially full of hidden costs.
Verizon Wireless – while more costly per month – is heralded wherever I ask. So now it’s a question of wait-and-see or get something usefull now.
I am leaning towards the latter, though the former may be a true option by tomorrow (as there is a presentation by RIM tomorrow).
Speculation on something unimportant
Has this:
Been inspired by this:
Gotta wonder but I have my doubts… Just cuz it’s The Beatles we’re talking about. And even IF they did announce at tomorrow’s event, it’s not like fans haven’t bought the CD’s or ripped MP3’s of songs from the Fab 4 they really want… Meaning unless there is something new from #3 Abbey Road on top of the iPod event, it’s just inevitability coming to realization if they are part of the announcements tomorrow.
48 hours of Metroid update
Just a little update regarding those crazy college kids who are playing Metroid to raise money for Child’s Play: After 24 hours of play, they have earned $366 dollars. Their goal is $500.
It’s kids being kids for the kids. Stop by the site and help’em out by donating.
It's childs play — 48 hours of it
48 Hour marathon of Metroid… 48 hours of video gaming and why? For what?
A couple of locals are trying to raise money through this marathon session of video gaming for Childs Play — which is a great charity in itself.
Yes, there are other ways to raise money for a worthy cause, but other ways isn’t how this is being tackled. THIS is how it’s being tackled. Support them! Or just drop by and chat with them.
What to do, what to do (ongoing)
So I was all but settled on a Curve a few days ago — T-mobile was charging $149.99 for new signups to buy the device and I figured it would be gravy to go out and get the Curve at one point or another in the very near future.
Then this weekend happened and Tmobile decided to do itself a favor and jacked up the price to $199. This is while new signups elsewhere can get the device for as low as 30 bucks through third parties (and new signups).
What am I supposed to do here? Pay the piper? While I’m aware of 3rd party vendors, I haven’t been made aware if I can get a deal even if I already have a contract with Tmobile.
This Bitter Month
Boring weekend with too much downtime and the end result is me posting a poem I meant to keep private. Yeah, Kate, you can get on my ass for being a morose m’fer (as you did last time 😉 ) but I thought this was good even if it was muy triste.
FL-09: Roll over, play dead
Dear Rep. Gus Bilirakis:
Congratulations! From the looks of things, Democrats have once again conceded your home base of Palm Harbor and Pinellas County. During this primary season, I have gotten more mailers (2) from you than from the three Democratic primary challengers (none). No signage was put up, no canvasing took place, no interest in GOTV efforts, no intention to help down ballot candidates in turning out voters. Are you listening John Dicks?
It happens annually – my district race turns into a farce where no one presents themselves (tactically or politically) as worthy congressmen. Oh, this includes you Gus, but you’re the incumbent. It says volumes if others don’t present themselves as a better choice than yourself – let alone their primary opponents.
Signed,
Disgruntled
Fay-zed out
OK, it was cute leading up to the week how worked up people were getting about the storm. It was a tad annoying being told Armageddon was upon us and we had to be prepared, but it was cute in it’s anxiety breeding ways.
But here we are, Friday, and Fay still hasn’t left the state of Florida. Oh, she’s finally over the ocean again but technically? She’s still here… I mean, those are Florida waters.
And I must say: as a 20 year resident of Florida, following the likes of storms both tropical, non-tropical, frontal, and just standard summer storms… I have never seen a storm take such an abrupt, hard turn before:
Fay -- on Radar -- from Monday (August 18) thru Firday (August 22)
I'll give Fay this…
I’ll give the ongoing weather caused by Tropical Annoyance Storm Fay this credit: It paints one damn beautiful picture…
Uninspiring: Let Me In
It’s been a long time since I wrote anything rhyme-based. In fact, despite all the hurt and emptiness — I haven’t been inspired to write shit. Usually the hurt, the pain, the anguish, the longing… It all drives me to write. It (or usually the source of everything inside) becomes a muse. I’ve had some great muses in my time (I’m talking people here, not instances of anguish) where the longing was what drove me to scrawl out lines of internal conflict and what not. Three above the others. And one trumps all.
It’s odd, though, that Current Source has inspired almost nothing for me. Here and there? Yeah. But nothing profound… The only poem that I had written was months old.
While I like the rhyme and the declaration — which goes beyond the obvious call for someone to drop their emotional wall and let someone “in” — it was foreshadowing of sorts. A warning sign I kept ignoring.
They're not even trying any more
Anyone else getting hit with massive amounts of spam labeled “CNN.com Top 10” or some such? How about being blasted the last 12 hours with another Phishing attempt from someone posing as MSNBC?
Let me first make this clear — you don’t have to be signed up for either site for these malicious emails to be sent to you. They aren’t news pieces, they are attempts to get your interest and lead you to fake web sites. So, no, you weren’t signed up for things without asking.
That being said, I just guffawed looking at this headline:
msnbc.com: BREAKING NEWS: NASDAQ index gains 720 points overnight upon war announcement
Uh, newsflash: NASDAQ doesn’t do shit overnight. Unless you are in Asia. In that case, why send out an email in English with that title? Because the English speaking world (most of it) who follow MSNBC are awake during NASDAQ trading.
But I digress. I find humor in this… But I’ve also given it more attention than it deserves.
what to do, what to do…?
So, the contract for my Blackberry 8700g and my Tmobile account comes up for renewal at the end of September. For two years I’ve been pretty much happy with what I’ve gotten (sans a few aggravating moments here and there). I’m wondering if I should simply renew? Renew and replace my blackberry with another model? Or perchance I should jump ship?
My blackberry is worn, the trackwheel is functional but barely — and tends to stick when scrolling through web pages or my menu. Real pain in the ass to deal with if I am trying to browse the web or just navigate applications on the Blackberry desktop menu. Then you have the fact there is no camera built in like just about every other cell phone or handheld out there and it seems just a little to antiquated.
So if I upgraded the Blackberry and Kept T-Mobile, I’d likely switch from the 8700g to the Curve. The interface seems straightforward like the 8700 and what not. No big learning curve (no pun intended). There’s a built in camera and what not. Bells! Whistles! But not bleeding edge.
The other alternative is for me to let the contract expire and go with another carrier with another device. Of course, the IT device right now is the iPhone and only one carrier has it — American Telephone and Telegraph. Unlike T-mobile, AT&T doesn’t straight out offer people in circumstances like myself a data-only package. No, in most cases you have to buy a standard package with the iPhone even if your hearing does not leave you capable of utilizing the phone itself on the device.
AT&T does offer data only, deaf packages for the iPhone but you have to jump through hoops in order to get it. I don’t even want to try to figure out the swing-time it will take for someone in the offices to read over signed documents, proving my deafness, and then approve the data only plan. It’s certainly not user friendly (or enabling) to only offer the application to those seeking them for phone use alone. Some people — even the hearing — would like a convenient, mobile means of surfing the web, texting and utilizing mobile media… All while not paying out the rear end for a laptop that is too bulky to utilize for simple mobile applications.
So as it stands at the moment, T-Mobile looks like it’ll be getting my business again by default. Anyone else have suggestions?
Photoshop! Yay Photoshop!
And now for something completely different!
So, I saw Superbad sometime last year and didn’t quite enjoy it. Was I too old for it? Out of the target age group and all that? Maybe. Maybe it was just stupid, with the inability to connect to the two main characters and their dilemmas?
Whatever the case, there was one character in the movie that I could support, someone who I could sympathize with and whose anecdotes were all that saved the movie for me – they were more interesting and slapstick than those of Jonah Hill and Michael Cera’s characters.
I’m talking about Fogell. AKA McLovin.
Whatever the case, the fact is I also love Worth 1000’s occasional Mate-a-Movie contests (along with several other re-occurring contests on the site, but that’s besides the point). Which leads me to post the following Will-Smith-turned-Christopher-Mintz-Plasse vehicle:
Some things don't change
I have kept a memento album since sometime in the late 1990’s. Just a photo album with newspaper scraps, pictures of friends and loved ones, and letters/post cards from people that I’ve communicated with in the past. Not letters as in email print outs, but actual letters. You know, those that were hand written at one point in the distant past? Yeah, those things… Hard to believe we did stuff besides typing, isn’t it? Sentimentality is so over-rated…
But I went into this album today with the specific intention of taking out and tucking away a few pictures I’d taken close to ten years ago (within a year or two) and a handful of letters as well from that same time frame. I’ll just say that they were all of the same subject. That person has been chronicled here in vagueness and obtuseness.
But going through the letters — marred with the inconsistency of not knowing what I had originally sent (which had led to these response letters) as well as the letters themselves rambling in vagueness. I found one passage of one particular letter (written on loose leaf paper as they all were, and dated 8/06 and likely from 1998 ) that just left me smiling and nodding for all the wrong reasons:
Dear John —
Today is a day I shall always remember. I took a wonderful, if not so secret thing and brutally destroyed it. I’m disgusted. I have new understanding of several things Sorry so obtuse but I don’t wan to talk any more about it
Why do I take satisfaction in this? What kind of sick asshole am I to do such a thing? A ten+ year old letter, stated rather obtusely, about destroying something beautiful?
Answer: I hadn’t said it felt like someone died for nothing, people. This letter may be an echo of a person that I knew in the past, based on different events and different circumstances along with different consequences, but to me? It’s the only remorse that I will see in the present from that person.
We’ve all taken something beautiful and destroyed it – a keepsake, a plant, perhaps a relationship of the friendly or intimate variety — at one point or another in our lives. I know I’m guilty of this in the past with people and things, but I take some solace in knowing that at one point in time, there was expressed grief and remorse by certain people. Grief and remorse that I can’t quite see them express or have linger in their head or heart today over recent events.
Six years ago today…
The St. Petersburg Times gave me my closeup (as Cecil B. DeMille was not available)
Cane and Able
Before and after a major back operation in 2003, I had been using a walker due to the fact my balance and my gait were so far out of wack that I needed to lean on something or I couldn’t remain upright… Or I just couldn’t get from point A to point B.
In May or 2004 — about six months after surgery — I switched from walking with a walker to walking with a cane. I quickly adjusted to life with another assistant device always clutched in my hand. I had just finished up with physical therapy, and I had been hoping I’d be past the need for anything to help me out.
So now it’s August 2008… Just days away from an anniversary of another major operation. Instead of marking the occasion with downer stories and worries and what not, I made a little choice during the day on Friday that’s effected my entire weekend and maybe my day-to-day life from now on.
I haven’t used my cane.
I own a pair of folding canes — one for the yard, the other for general use. I also have a solid wood one. All of them are scattered around the house, but out in obvious places as just-in-case reminders. The thing is, I haven’t needed them. I haven’t wanted them. I haven’t sought them. After 4 years of using them, I’m long overdue to take a liberating step without assistance. And that’s what I’ve done. Neighborhood walks, shopping walks, etc. It’s been a challenge but also a boost to my own self confidence in my physical ability.
It’s a small thing, really… And if i were sitting there reading this blog post, I’d be bummed out at the topic in the first place. But this isn’t supposed to be a post about tearing down as so much building up. A long overdue buildup. We’ll see how long this lasts.
"It's Your Store" – almost no more
The Shoppes at Boot Ranch started to be constructed around the time I moved into Palm Harbor 19 years ago. The first major tennent was a mid-west food chain named Jewel Osco… The plaza was still under construction and by the time it was finished, there would be a Target and a Eckerd Drug store as well.
By the time I was in middle school — I think seventh grade (circa 1992) — Jewel Osco was being sold to another supermarket chain that had a bigger presence in Florida: Idaho-based Albertsons.
AlbertsonsAnd so it went for 17 years. I’ve shopped at this location from time to time, I’ve worked at this location and made a bunch of friends (and lost a few along the way)… There have been highs and lows… But the standard that has been maintained is that Albertsons was around and I had a history there. I have nostalgia hit me often at this location.
But this morning I ventured to Albertsons to do some shopping and what I encountered was just plain sad. Of course, it’s already known that Publix bought Albertsons locations throughout Florida and the new location in Boot Ranch would and will serve Publix well and dandy compared to their antiquated store across the street in East Lake Woodlands…
But to see Albertsons on the way out was painful. 10-20 percent off signs were up on every aisle, the meat racks were bare, and the store was not receiving shipments from certain grocers or companies any more it seemed. I mean, how many supermarkets do you go into and find the Little Debbie snack rack completely empty?
Of course, other racks remained full because of poor decisions by whoever made them initially — why were George Foreman grilles on sale in a supermarket? Or Hummingbird feeders/food? Their boxes were worn down from sitting on racks for extended periods of time with no one actually purchasing the items. This was the case for a lot of things in this store and I would not be surprised if any of these items I am thinking of (mostly small appliances) had been on the shelves since I worked at the store 12 years ago.
Certain bulk racks had been taken down near the entrance and the store seemed void while filled. Yes, it was a Sunday morning at a supermarket but for one reason or another, this location never drew in the teeming masses that Publix draws in across the street and elsewhere in Palm Harbor.
I really wish I had brought my camera when I was at the store. I don’t know what Publix plans for the location. A renovation? Or just a retrofit? I really hope they don’t rebuild the building, but I could honestly see it happening with how aged and infrastructure is.
I ache with nostalgia, thinking of bagging groceries inside that store and hauling shopping carts in the parking lot back into the building from October 1995 until December 1996. There are good and bad memories that come to mind, along with current troubles in my head and heart that also have roots at that store. But in the end, I bow to the hand of commerce and progress. I hope I get to the store again before it closes and changes to Publix… But that remains to be seen if it shall happen.
Black(edout)berry
I’ve been taking a sabbatical from my Blackberry 8700g for the last few weeks… Mostly because of how screwed up things got via ill communication.
That’s not to put down the Blackberry. No sir, it’s more along the lines of the statement I made a few months ago that SMS/TXT messages are the devil. If someone wants to get in touch with me via txt… well, shit, find a better way to do it (one with context). Hell, I have a phone number — leave a voice mail.
The fact is, if people really want to get in touch with me — they’ll do it. Too many ways to do it with better context than stupid txt messages.
Coming up on three weeks… Life without it just reminds me about that feeling someone died.
The Mystery of Bo Fontana
Everyone gets junk letters in the mail. They can be the local mass-advertising, they can be political campaigns, they might just be credit cards and pre-approved drivel… Maybe magazine subscriptions, renewal notices and the occasional national group trying to recruit members.
And for somewhere close to 10 years, through the ridiculousness and annoyance of it, I’ve learned an interesting fact that has been established by the US Mail and nothing else: I have a wayward brother and his name is Bo.
“Bo Fontana” has gotten college applications in the mail, he’s gotten credit cards offered to him. From time to time, he gets insurance offers sent his way, the US Military is after him, and today? The AARP.
I don’t know how the hell this has transpired, nor who signed up where which started the craze… But I’d like to officially say right now that there is no Bo Fontana! Not in my home, at least… Nor anyone in my immediate or extended family.
Now if I could tip off the powers that be to that fact…
What I've learned
You know, I wanted to write a long post about moving on from this ill-communication SNAFU that’s led to me drawing myself into a shell and feeling like someone died. Someone was snuffed out, and the person holding the gun simply said “oops” after the body hit the floor, hid it, and then announced to the world they used a glock pistol the first time.
Yes, I was going to tell everyone what I had learned from this, or had reinforced in me. Facts that apply to current and past malignant relations: Communications are vital in any friendship or relationship; that distance can and will kill (especially if you are half hearted on the communication front); that you make time for what’s important to you; if someone isn’t reaching back much when you reach out to them, they just aren’t that into you; that oftentimes we don’t want to see the obvious and want to imagine all is hunky-dory even though the painful truth is right in front of us.
But the two ultimate truths in this case at the top of my list
:
- I’m tired of being disrespected, or belittled in how someone deals with me. Not being honest or forthcoming while someone has the wrong idea and allowing them to go on is a huge disrespect to them.
- I hate being mad at the source of this disrespect
The problem here is, the first point trumps the second.
With my big heart, it’s too often I get disrespected or taken for granted. Willing to listen even if it hurts, to make time for someone even if I am busy, to reach out to even if it costs more than I have, to be understanding to a fault… I’ve lost other friends in the past because I allowed the disrespect to the point I was upset every time we talked.
Being big hearted makes my friends a priority and sadly, in this case, priority is the reason I know this entire situation won’t be settled any time soon. Because if I was a priority in simple friendship, none of this would have ever happened. I would have been down on myself a few days, but the 2nd of two “trump all” points would have ruled instead of the first.
Writing this won’t make things better, but it gets this stuff out of my head and out into the open for better or worse.
It tells a tale
It was a couple of years ago that I was wondering just what Michael Stipe was singing about in the R.E.M. classic “Losing my Religion”. For the prudes or the ultra-religious, the title might suggest the song is about a conflict in faith of the Divine. It’s a crisis of faith, indeed, but it’s faith in ones own self and self confidence.
In simplicity, it’s about someone not able to work up the courage to talk to the object of their affection:
View to a mood
I haven’t blogged in a while as I have been busy with other faccets of my life…Â From politics to just internet de3ign and maintenance, I’ve been a busy little bee.
But due to recent circumstances — the other shoe falling — I’m back for the moment and maybe longer.Â
I read John Densmore’s Riders on the Storm a few years ago and heard about this song in an ancedote where Jim Morrison showed him the lyrics to this song while in the Hollywood hills. It had presented a new vulnerability aspect to Morrison and Densmore thought he was maturing as a songwriter… it fits my mood of coming to grips but celebration of what you are…
Albertsons to Publix for Cash Considerations
It finally happened.
Albertsons Tampa Bya locations have been sold to Publix supermarkets. Why do I say it finally happened? Because I had posted in the past that East Lake Woodlands publix was done for in it’s current incarnation. Now it is assured.
Meanwhile I hope everythign turns out ok for long time friends who work at the 500 East Lake Road Albertsons that will become Publix.
SMS / TXT — for lack of context, I am done with it
The last post — the video — got me thinking to some of my own endeavors with SMS / TXT messages over the years. I’ve spent hours on multitudes of people waiting for responses, hanging in limbo, hitting highs and lows over anagrams, or perhaps misinterpreting things that are being said or not getting the entire context of the story or getting to talking about anything of substance..
Enough of that shit.
Seriously, one or two messages from people who I normally converse with and share the context of their lives with is fine. Because txt is simply a surrogate while they can’t be in touch with me or I can’t be in touch with them via email, IM or on the phone.
But in certain cases, txt replaces chatting and it’s unhealthy. It leaves you out of the loop in general on people’s lives and you find yourself disconnected from them.
I may be hearing impaired but most people know how to get in touch with me if they want talk. But to keep doing it solely by txt? Sorry, not happening any more.
July 26th, 2008 Edit: I humored someone with this, the same person that sort of highlighted the lack-of-context aspects of txt/sms. Part of me wanted to keep the connection open… And decided to cater to the lazy aspect of said person.
…but that lack-of-context helped kill a long time friendship in the end. Lack-of-context led to lack of information, lack of information turned to lack of honesty and frankness, lack of this turned to disrespect and everything went
kaaaaaabloooooie!
.
In limited use, sms/txt are a great tool. To keep in touch in general, you gotta be fucking kidding me.
I'm doing something wrong, aren't I?
So I’m on Pandora — I have been here a few times in the past trying to find similar music to what I love as a way to introduce myself to new music.
The problem is more times than not I get introduced to stuff that doesn’t sound at all similar to what qualities I like in a song.
For instance, tonight I started with the Doors and Moonlight Drive — The deep baritone vocal from Morrison, coupled with the trance like bridge section from Manzarek and the jazz style drumming from Densmore make this song a classic to me. Those are the qualities I am endeared to in the music.
What I get are songs that are probably comparable in structure but not too comparable – to me – to what the song invokes with the mood. A song that invokes the pace. A song that simply makes me do a double take that I want to hear again.
I tried You’re Going to Lose That Girl by the Beatles next. Again, the genome project picked up on the structure of the music and not so much the mood that’s set. The pace of the song doesn’tseem to carry over in the suggestions, nor does the vocal harmonies, nor the rhythem bae of the song that doesn’t overstep it’s bounds… But mostly it’s the vocals that are most catchy with the song.
And wasn’t catchy at all with the suggested songs that followed. I know, I am asking for a tough act to follow with bands that can compare to the Beatles or songs that can compare to the Beatles but there has to be something out there. This is a 43 year old song for god sake…
I did have a better time when I tried surfer instrumental rock (Walk, Don’t run gave way to soem great music) but that’s instrumental all the way. That’s how Pandora is supposed to work.
Maybe I’m just too picky with music…? Or maybe I am just doing this wrong.
In light of the lack of attention on the subject
Here is a headline that is missing from the media around the state of Florida:
Low Pants Controversey Grips Florida — Locals plead Tallahassee for Action
(maybe now the legislature realizes how ridiculous their attention waste of time on the matter looks.
A little wet, but much more normal
So it’s almost nine PM here in Pinellas County and for the day, the Pinellas County official rain gauge has registered over 2.5 inches of rain, and well over 14 for the year.
That’s a sharp contrast to last year where we had only 10 and a half inches of rain going into July.
Up in Oak 2 – one week, four inches
I could use a photo here to show things off but that oak sappling I told everyone about in August? Well it’s got it’s spring growth spurt going and has gained four inches with it’s (still growing) new growth. It should reach 3 feet tall in the coming days, maybe taller in the coming weeks. We’lll see.
Hail, Gunslinger!
OK, I don’t go for the Tex impersonation thing often but I got a kick out of this one… There’s a new sherrif in town.
Jacked In
So I’ve had my artificial means of hearing hooked up and running for more than six years now… I don’t brag about it much or talk about it much because every time I get confident in something audio-wise, I then get into a social situation and end up getting sent back to feeling outside the hearing world again because I can’t understand the conversation.
Of course, I can revel in the fact that I can enjoy music again. I have been able to for some time as I think it’s been a tool for me to adapt back to the hearing world in one way or another. Sort of like a personal configuration utility for my brain — I remember how certain songs sound or certain tones I should be listening for — a cymbil crash perhaps, maybe the backign orchestra section jumping in during the refrain to “Hey Jude” — and press myself to hear these things. I use it as a gauge to see how well I am doing.
That took on a new dynamic last month as I had two cords, termed as Personal Audio Cables – sent to me by Cochlear Corp. These two wires — for personal media players or hi fi stereos/TV’s/computers — let me connect my body-worn speech processor directly to the aforementioned objects so I hear the tones or the music directly instead of trying to sort things out through a set of speakers.
But lets dispense with the technical crap. I got these things in January and I unpackaged one of the cables. I connected it to my PC speakers and then turned on iTunes… pulled up a song and started to play…
You seen the Matrix?
That scene where Neo gets combat training information uploaded to his head by Tank? It was kind of like that.
“Hey, I think Mikey likes it. Want some more?”
“Hell Yes!”
Now, nothing beats hearing and feeling music coming through the air and through the speakers. Nothing beats listening to smething in surround sound (for example) where you feel the sound waves and it adds to the effect of whatever you are listening to.
That aspect is lacking. But the aspect of having music beamed directly to my head? I’ll take it any day of the week. It’s been so awesome that I bought an iPod Nano and am experimenting with music I’ve never listened to before – which I wouldn’t try much when I was relying on the speakers alone.
like, duh!
For whatever eason it possessed me to, I decided to read an article from CBS News about the McCartney-Mills divorce… (Paul McCartney and Heather Mills for those living under a rock)
British divorce proceedings are closed to the public, making it tough for journalists to report on what’s going on. Paul’s got a high powered lawyer, Mills is representing herself. That’s good, that’s fine…
But the Beatle fan and general pop-culturist that I am just rolled my eyes when an attempted deduction was made:
However, Sir Paul has been spotted going into the court in apparent high spirits, observes CBS News correspondent Elizabeth Palmer.
…This is news?
This is something that is supposed to be a tell on how things are going? I ask because if it is, CBS has been living under a rock for 45 years (no offense to Walter Cronkite or the late Ed Sullivan). When has Paul McCartney NOT been seen in high spirits? (Leave Linda Eastman out of it) I mean, shit — he was teh cute one, he still draws them in and it’s partly because fo his attitude.
There will be a day in the future when McCartney’s behind-the-scenes face is presented – after he passes on. This will probably be a mix of fiction and fact. What we do know about Paul — and it’s well chronicled — is that you can expect him to be in public in high spirits and shining a good attitude even if the chips are down.
Valentines Day disappointment hangover
Valentines Day is over commercialized.
It’s odd that t hsi very cynicism set myself up for a downfall yesterday. No, not that I forgot the holiday for a certain someone — it’s that I set myself up for the letdown by playing cynic with the cynic I had tagged as Valenine.
Me “Happy Valentines Day”
Them: “Happy Fake Holiday”
Me: “Happy bitter singles day”
The conversation went on to discuss how Spain has a special holiday for single/recently broken up with people ont eh day after valentines, but through all this I took it as a cue she hadn’t gotten my gift and thus was set up for a surprise.
Well, if she checked her PO Box.
Yeah, by compounding the cynicism I only built up the idea that I hadn’t gotten anything — that or the holiday has just become an excuse to put high ticket items on sale. Heaven forbid someone actually writes,/creates something personal in order to touch someone’s heart on what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year.
Romance isn’t dead… Realism and cynicism are holding it hostage though and the retailers are paying for the hostage-takers risk.
Florida, go forth and vote
And make a habit out of it – we got at least two more this year.
While we’re at it — lemme tip my cap to Casey over at St. Petersblog:
REFORM, not RELIEF.
A little advice, hai?
I’m going to a Japanese Steakhouse and Sushi bar tomorrow. I’ve never done Japanese meals — Sushi or Japanese prepared entries. That being said, I could use some advice on what to try or what to avoid.
I’d like to get through this without gagging, or without throwing up and looking like a fool (not that I can avoid it) too badly… So please comment away for, say, the next 16 hours…
Ten years gone; the life and times of a late-deaf adult
1997.
As I said in October, I had graduated from High School that year, forgotten in a huge senior class at East Lake High. There was one quality I had, though, that stuck out which people may remember me by — my hearing was shit.
After graduating in June of that year – with about 25 percent or less of my original hearing, I basically did nothing. I was reached out to by no one and didn’t attempt it much myself because I was the wall-flower… I couldn’t hold a conversation with thanks to not being able to understand what people were saying (even with the help of a hearing aid). And at age 18? Who’s going to put up with that?
I sank into depression and my health deteriorated. This hearing situation had already led to my decision not to attend Flagler College in St. Augustine (where I had been accepted the previous spring) and now I was isolated and alone in a world I couldn’t take part in. My balance became somewhat less dependable than tuning into MTV and seeing a music video playing. I wobbled and swayed all over the place and depended on leaning where and when I could, onto stable and solid things… Anything to keep me upright.
that’s little ole’ me, circa November 1997
It was sometime in October of that year that I had an MRI performed on my head, and in a matter of days had a doctor tell me flat out that I could go to bed one night and not wake up the next morning. A 7 centimeter tumor effecting blood flow and cramping the brain will do that to you. Acoustic Neuroma is the scientific term to describe this, but the truth is it was the end of one life and the beginning of another…
It’s been ten years – not by choice, not by design, but by inevitability – that I’ve been deaf. Ten years since the natural hearing world escaped me and I was plunged into a more difficult version of society where one attempts to fit in while feeling like an outcast. Sure, I use a variation of the cochlear implant now (and have been for six years) and am doing quite well with it but I still haven’t turned a corner to make conversation easy to understand and take part in with strangers. I miss that the most…
It also doesn’t begin to describe the immediate aftermath aftermath — being trapped between worlds: A deaf person in a hearing world, a hearing person in a deaf world where those around me refuse to adjust and demand my adjustment to them. Or being thrust into the paranoia filled bigotry of the deaf community where the hearing (or late deaf) were not welcome unless their commitment to the deaf life was total and utter.
Of course the flip side of this is that it got me involved on the Internet, which led to a job, which led to my web design talents, which led to a certain legal threat and a lot of pluses and minuses along the way.
10 years gone, and I’m still standing.
10 years gone, I’m still left wanting.
A passable substitute, take two: Bridge to Nowhere
So the Writers Guild remains on strike and what do we have in the mean time but reruns of shows, YouTube clips of the writers showing solidarity (and humor) and heavy sighing as we miss late night mainstays that are not broadcasting right now — like the Daily Show.
I was watching Current TV again and an InfoMania segment came on… In this instance, they were going to actually show you about the famed Bridge to Nowhere that didn’t get built and the effects on the locals…
This is as good as any Rob Corddry (gone from TDS), Sam Bee, John Oliver or other past and present Daily Show contributor’s “investigative reporting”. Mocking, humerous, yet informative in it’s absurdity.
