Category: Personal
The life and times of John Fontana — personal blog posts about things John is dealing with / going through / thinking of / experiencing.
More Dated Material
So it’s Wednesday and I’m still thinking about last night. I didn’t talk so much about the date itself as the similarity between the girl in question and someone from the distant past.
Though I can’t get over the similarities.
She came over to my place and we then went out to Insomnia — or were planning to go there — when we found out that Insomnia (local coffee house, pretty nice atmosphere) is now closed. FUBAR. We sat around inside her Camaro for 10 minutes talking and then decided to go to Applebee’s because she hadn’t eaten yet. No problem — off we go and then I find out two very important things:
1) she’s a vegitarian
2) Home Depot reminds her of her younger brother almost losing his finger in an accident
Applebees menu is a lot of meat on it with salad on the side. Shit. Should have gone to Carrabas or some other italian restaurant instead. Didn’t matter though. She ordered a chicken salad and most of the time it wasn’t focusing on eating between us anyway, it was talking. Though I admit I did most of the talking (on the account of my hearing).
I like rambling like that. I mean, we were talking for 20 minutes before we even ordered our food (of course, our waitress didn’t help things out too much either by taking her damn sweet time getting back to us). It was a lot of talking and it’s just what I wanted to be hoenst. I’m interested in the girl from the little bit that I learned about her when we talked online and I’m moreso now that I know more about her.
Of course I’m reporting too much of my personal life in here. Some people might say “What do you mean? That’s what makes it interesting.” while the few and the proud know first hand just what has happened to me in the past by reporting too much in here.
So anyway, had a friend over here again today and we shot the shit up – just talking, ended up surfing the web for a bit for jokes. Always a blast.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m starving, time to grab some grub.
Dated Material
Whoa.
Taking a casual aquaintence out for a date was something I haven’t done which seems sad and pathetic but when it’s someone off the internet – you must be careful. Tonight I had my first true experience with it and I am not regretting it in the least bit.
In fact, I’m trying my Freud to see what it means. It was conversation , it was hanging out, it was a link to the past and what could have — no SHOULD have – been if I had some nerve several years ago and did what I should have done and asked out a more than casual aquaintence because of my feelings for her.
It’s not that things clicked especially well — I was my usual self and I was just meeting this girl for the first time in reality. It was the nostalgia I had when I got to watching this girl and seeing her reactions and mannerisms and…
This isn’t the past. This isn’t who I was comparing this girl to. It was a totally seperate being with totally seperate plans for life and totally seperate goals. Someone that I am just getting to know. Not someone I knew. Someone I want to know more about – maybe need to know more about.
Anyway, she wants to hang out again sometimes soon — which is cool by me. Danny-boy wants to hang out when he is down here. Maybe a group outing would be a way to go about things? We’ll see.
Yes, this makes it easier for me to understand some people’s actions – but doesn’t forgive them one iota for their cowardice or Selfish at the same time. I imagine at one point you’re going to think “I guess he doesn’t want to talk to me…” That’s not quite the truth — you haven’t even tried to be a friend to me or make amends as a friend. That might work with the Erie lot (just put it off, it’ll go away) but it doesn’t work in the real world. Why should I talk to you if you’re going to act like you did nothing wrong in how you broke the news to me, or act in general like you don’t want to talk to me? Two negatives don’t make a positive.
Swan Song — SING!
So me and Bill Erickson got to talking about things and I had been really concerned with some local news I had been reading concerning the state budget, local school budget cuts and the basic needs (assistant principles, aids for disabled students) being forced to be let go in an effort to meet the significantly tighter budget demands (all thanks to Tallahassee and their lack of willingness to raise taxes to fund education)….
Bill started telling me about his childhood days and how, after moving down here, he was years ahead of the public school children. The same was true for me, we got to rambling about elementary school and I had an memory from 3rd grade rear it’s head into my mind while talking about Ms. Webber (my 3rd grade teacher).
Singing “America the Beautiful” on the morning PA at Sylvain Avenue Elementary School in Blue Point, New York.
Oh man, I couldn’;t believe how I remembered the story so well. Some things come to you with clarity and some things come to you really weakly. This story started out with Ms. Webber getting done with the roll call very early on one morning and having me (and someone else, I think) take it down to the School Nurses office. I was walking real fast trying to make it before the announcements go tot to the Pledge of Allegience but didn’t make it. I started to recite the pledge while walking down the hall. The principle – Mr. White – pulled me into the office because I was being disrepectful by not looking at the flag or something like that (he wasn’t reprimanding me).
Anyway, so the pledge gets finished. We’re still in the office, and immediately after the Pledge they would play a tape of America the Beautiful – which they did. I sang along to it like I always did in class and everyone in the office started looking at me (not kids – the teachers, principle, secretaries, etc). I got finished and Mr. White remarked “Beautiful.” I don’t remember the exact things that happened right after that but they wanted my name and my teacher.
So a couple of mornings later, I had gotten to school and was sitting in class about a few minutes before the morning announcements and the PA came on requesting me to go down to the front office. The class all went “Ooooooooooooh” as third graders would when they thought someone was in trouble. I got up and left. I can’t too clearly if I knew why I was going down there or if I was nervous because maybe I was in trouble? Now that I think about it – I did know what was going on.
I got down there and I sang “America the Beautiful” on the PA. Just like I usually did it in class (though in class I would sing it to myself, not real loudly).
After I got threw, I went back to class… Now, I didn’t enjoy Ms. Webber so much (and if by any chance and elder Ms. Webber finds this journal entry — it wasn’t you that I didn’t enjoy. It was the fact that my parents didn’t deal with me in the proper way when I brought home a notice from your class that I was in trouble. I think I might have been a year too young to be in 3rd grade as well and not focused enough) but on this day I think she had told the kids in class to react when I got back… And they did. I got applauded by them. I hadn’t expected it and it was a real plus.
I had done it a few more times after that. Then they had other people start doing it and it lost it’s mystique. It was real cool for a time though.
Anyway, my friend Kari from the University of Tampa is going to be heading over here soon and we’re going to go out and get her car title and just hang out for a while. Don’t know what is going to go on but I’m sure we’ll find something – and that’s got me worried.
Wake Up Call
Friends stick it through. You might not agree with them, you might have things materialize that you don’t agree with, you may move away from them (or vice versa) but they stick it through and show up over and over in your life (unless you push them out or abuse things). My early morning wakeup call reminded me of that.
I was woken up by my father while I was in the midst of some dream I can’t remember and ws told that Leah Kennett was here. Now I am groggy, I am sporting bed head and I am in boxer shorts but I hop out of bed and get dressed and then hop downstairs to see an old friend and shoot the breeze for a while.
It was good to talk to someone and get my mind off things, surely I would have woken up in the crapper – I had already done so too many times the past few weeks thinking about thing sin general. Leah’s mostly the same as she was when I used to hang out with her — except she was getting over minor surgery on the inside of her thigh and that felt like a positive to be honest — first time she could comprehend some of the shit I had been going through for the past few years. We just talked from one subject to the other, wheeling and dealing. I didn’t touch the subject of her boyfriend much because I honestly don’t know shit about the guy.
2 hours later she hobbled to her car and drove off to a destination unknown to this writer. Just the same, I’ll see her when I see her again, because I know I will down the road.
I don’t think I mentioned the blackout on Friday Night while a storm front rumbled through the area. It was quite a change of pace here to have no electricity and I found it pleasant to be honest. Candles were lit everything was pitch black for as far as I could see besides the cars passing on the highway behind my house. Of course Dad soon found annoyance in me being a conversationalist… Ho hum, better luck next time. 45 Minutes was all the blackout lasted and I really wish it stayed around much longer — it was quite surreal being thrown back life without the internet, without TV, etc.
Dreaming
I’ve talked briefly with people in the past about some problems I am having when I am sleeping. Some people have trouble sleeping because of insomnia, others have trouble sleeping because of being uncomfortable, while others have problems sleeping due to heartbreak while others have problems sleeping because of nightmares.
While I can get to sleep ok (now), I’ve been having a series of dreams that have the exact same topic or the exact same outcome. They’ve been going on for a while now and it’s getting to the point where I’m afraid of why they are still showing up with me.
The dream usually has me pinned against my family – my father, brother, mother do something to upset me and the entire duration of the dream I am hurt, enraged and sad at the same time and fleeing from them or trying to avoid them or being chased by them.
I’ve been trying to figure out just why I have these dreams and it’s pretty obvious that it’s got to be because of my arrangements in this household – I’m at the lower part of the food chain and I have to bend to their will more times than not. I feel oppressed and this need to escape and yet I feel like they will chase me down or force me to be part of their little circle again and again…
No wonder I feel like a child more times than not.
Of course, my dependence on them for normal things is part of the reason I feel like that. I can do plenty of things by myself but there is one thing (getting around) that I can’t (I don’t drive) and therefore I am stuck not being able to do what I please (that and money reasons :rolleyes ) more times than not.
SO what would get me to stop having these dreams? I don’t know for sure but independence and a change of scenery would help, I would think.
Renovations and Vowel Movement
Sometimes it gets to the point where you break over the slightest things. The sameness flowing around you, the lack of variation from the norm… Or maybe even the norm makes you ill to your stomach and makes you want to toss your cookies.
I’m at that point right now.
I’ve been sick of my father the last few weeks but then again, my mom isn’t that much better than dear-old-dad. I’m tired of her habits. I’m tired of his habits. I’m tired of this house and of this room… I’m tired of this neighborhood and the suburbs in general.
I’m tired of the word “Liberal” being used like a 4 letter word in society. I’m tired of tattoos and body piercings being stuck on everything and everyone (can someone please tell the cute girls that natural skin is sexy? Please?). I’m tired of Florida, where education and infrastructure mean next to nil to the government and somehow it gets elected again and again. I’m tired of the fact I have to have social hour on the computer because my social skills are lacking with my poor-ass hearing situation offline.
I’m tired of feeling so boxed in.
Yet the answers aren’t aparent or aren’t coming into view very easily on how to deal with this mess and where to go to solve these quesitons. I don’t have the money to move, I don’t have a job. I don’t know where to look for a job that doesn’t necessitate phone skills or driving.. You can pray only so much until it gets to the point it feels like God is laughing at you and snickering while you are pleading to him.
Things were a lot better when there was someone else that I felt I shared things with. Now there’s no one to share things — emotions, thoughts, frustrations, dreams, etc — with.
I need help.
Worlds Of Wonder
I’m writing this entry through Notepad right now because I’m not able to access my web site and update it — damn Digital Zones, fix the fucking thing already! (UPDATE — 8:41 PM as I write this and they are STILL down!
UPDATE 2 — 5:57 Tuesday — FINALLY back up and running )
I’m not feeling so great right now because my chest feels like it’s exploding… Every time I make progress with moving on, I regress a few hours later because of one thing or another. Hmphf, go figure.
I didn’t update things yesterday (insert shocked expression here) because I was waiting for something – anything – online and instead of that happening, I took some allergy medicine after I started feeling very ill and was stoned/out by 10 PM. Seeing I’ve been getting up extremely early and not getting to sleep until 3 lately, it probably was a good thing that I hit the sheets a bit early.
Yesterday I spent the early part of the day sunning myself at the neighborhood pool (that’s telling you how bad the condition of my own pool/porch are) and got righteously burnt with grotesque burn lines from my tank top to prove it. Something tells me that I am going to have to start remembering to use tanning oil :p .
On the way back from the pool I started wondering about some people that were part of my past and if I should bring them up here on the site — knowing that the Search Engines will end up crawling this page and their names will be indexed and they will be able to find this page (them or their relatives ) and realize someone who they may or may not remember was speaking about them and may or may not want to hear from me in the first place.
This is sort of a collective Where Are They Now but without the glory and gifts for those who take part in the program.
Let’s start with the one who lived closest to me who disappeared when 1) she graduated and 2) her mom left her step dad who still lives down the block from me: Lisa LaCasse. Lisa and me were in the same school from 5th grade onward and the last memory that shines through it all is me being a dick and giving her a “body glove” without thinking about her having whip-lash (senior year of HS). If it makes you feel any better, Lisa, I had a neck operation last year and I went through the same hell you experienced. It’s also worth bringing up that there were plenty of rumors (ok, not so much rumors as your sister and her friends screaming it at me when I rode down the block one time) that you had a crush on me at one point or another — it was probably for the best that nothing ever materialized with that because A) I was a coward at the time and B) I was insecure and both affected how I dealt with girls I met.
Next girl who I need to bring up is someone who I admittedly had an interest in during HS at one point but things got torn apart after we moved up from 11th grade — Jen Wertenberger (which I probably spelled wrong . I haven’t seen hide nor hair of Jen since — I can’t even remember. I did see her friends at Target one time and thought she might be with them but I didn’t see her if she was. Jen was a good friend and I was a smart ass and a dick when I was hanging out with her, and the same insecure coward I talked about above.
Now, the next name on the list is one that my friends hear one time or another usually when I confess my past and I am arguing with myself whether to mention her here or not… Ok, I’ll do it: Jill Clawser. There, I said it… Someone lock me up! I was so obsessed with Jill during 10th grade and much of HS but I was so scared to step forward and so insecure to tell her how I felt… Probably for the best, of course, everything happens for a reason or so I once was told by a very wise person. Jill dropped out from HS her senior year, I saw her a few times at Spencer’s Gifts and one time at Target on a passing chance but then – nothing. I had a web page up in my Pictures section asking “Where are they now” and her aunt came across the picture — ma’am, if you find this, I was sort of terrified someone actually responded to the inquiry about Jill and I didn’t know how to tell you that I can’t hear so well so I couldn’t use the phone and call her if you got her number.
There’s someone else I was close to online that has disappeared entirely because I know her life went in a different direction than mine and was always a good bit different than mine, she was someone I needed in my life as my friend in a very trying time in my life (right after I went deaf) and I value her being there for me till this day. Tiffany O’Neal of Jackson, Mississippi. Me and Tiff used to talk on AOL and later on AOL IM for hours every morning before she went to school… I got to know her and her friends that she lived with, Jill Brown and Thomas Hood. I’m wondering what-up with all of you? Last thing I heard from Jill was that Tiffany had entered the Navy? Maybe, maybe not… I can’t be certain. It was so long ago….
Memories…. from the corner of my mind….
Of course I could post about other people in here that I used to be interested in or friends with but it’s for the best that I don’t. Besides, this feels like I have been rambling for hours even though it might have been only 10 minutes. I’m much calmer than I was when I started this thing.
I’m really getting antsy though — I want access to my web site back so I can get this update up!
Oh yeah, kiddies, I’m getting Mike’s kick ass computer system as he is getting a new machine any day/hour/minute/second now…. I’ve cleaned out most of my files/pictures/movies/applications on this system so far and am ready to just format the hard drive and re-install XP before I venture off into my new machine….
* Time entry was written
Poor Times, Bad Taste
I spent the early afternoon with Andy — went to Alan’s house in Central Clearwater to drop off one of the two Captains Beds that we have. After that we stopped off at Home Depot to pick up some things (fence, utilities) that he needed for a new gate fence that he’s constructed (so he can store his bass boat)… After that he stopped off so I could get some McDonalds before going home.
I really wish I hadn’t asked him to stop at McDonalds. Every time I go to one of their restaurants, they give me every reason in the world not to go back to them. That being said – let me call up an old rant I did (on epinions.com) about McDonalds…
If there is a fast food chain that represents the fact that too much capitalism is a bad thing, its McDonalds.
Probably in the early part of the 20th century, they had the good times and great taste that they used to preach on their commercials… But somewhere down the line, they decided to reach out and preach to suburban America and take over the landscape… Instead of food, I now identify suburban sprawl with Mickey D’s.
Enough with the politics, lets get to the food, service, etc.
McDonalds is the fast food capital of the world. Your food is prepared and then stuck under a heat lamp until you order it… Meaning it could have been sitting on the rack to be sold for hours before you reach it… Yum…
Secondly, the store being the cornerstone of Suburban America, the hospitality and the courtesy from the people working behind the counter leaves much to be desired. Teens in need of work and elderly who need another source of income make up the backbones of the McDonalds work force. This is not knocking on teenagers, students or retirees (and I apologize to anyone who interprets my comments that way), but when you need some cash, do you really want to deal with the public in a Mass-produced fast-food job to get it? No…. That is the type of attitude many face. Thankless, minimum wage jobs do not encourage courtesy.
Cleanliness of every store I have been in across the US (from New York, down the eastern seaboard to Florida, all the way across the continent to Los Angeles) leaves much to be desired and makes me wonder why McDonalds aims to be such a family orientated restaurant. I certainly would not want to bring my child to one of these places to eat food… I know kids fall in love with Ronald McDonald and the playgrounds now attached to most restraints (not to mention Toys inside Happy Meals), but I would rather hook the kid on Subway. That’s not saying Subway is much cleanlier than McDonalds, but I would rather have a child get hooked on more tastes than the bland junk at Mickey D’s.
One last point I want to make is the oil at McDonalds. I was a very common eater of McDonalds foods until 1998…. After a very weird experience eating McDonalds food, I find I cannot consume anything that was fried at a Mickey D’s restaurant without tasting — and get ready for this — the peanut oil that it was fried in. Peanut oil might be more healthy than other oils (I do not know for sure) but would you REALLY want to chow down on Chicken McNuggets that taste as though they have peanut Butter smeared on them? How about scarfing down French fries, smothered in Jiff? I did not think so… Everything I have consumed smells and tastes of this oil… That includes the shakes! Ugh!
When looking to stop for lunch, find a Subway, find a Pizza Hut, find a Steak’N’Shake… Just spend your money on capitalist institutions that still know the meaning of “courtesy” and truly represent the “Good Times, Great taste” of fast food service… Just do not waste your money, your time or your taste buds on the mass produced, mass consumed food at the franchise identified by its the Golden Arches.
I’m going to be heading out to dinner with the Family in a few minutes… I wanted to get that in before I leave…
No true entry because this old poem sums things up…
What Am I….
What am I supposed to do?
Just call her name
And get off the train –
Loneliness
Southbound
Cartoon Express
A fixture through the mess –
Her face, and my memory there of
And the desires unquenched
As the fifth Beatle
Who has never crossed Abby Road
Artfully dodging –
Responsibilities
That take place in love:
Speak
Feel
Express
Not repress
To me It’s all a fantasy
Like a child going through a toy chest
© 1997 John P. Fontana
Remains to be seen
It remains to be seen just what and where life will lead next and I feel totally tapped out right now and exhausted emotionally with how things have been going the past couple of weeks. I woke up today with plans to do things and I never was able to get myself to do them. Never strong enough to will myself to do this and that…
It also remains to be seen just when I will push myself to run this site through Dreamweaver MX instead of Front Page XP. Front Page may be a whore who you can bang for hours on end but she’s not the fine lady we’d all like….
It remains to be seen just what the world thinks of Re Elect JFK, the revamped Helene Kersey Online and of course my ramblings in this journal.
It remains to be seen when I’ll feel like the world is a better place because right now it’s hell and I’m the devil’s bitch.
Apathy and Other Musings
I spent a couple of hours at Target and Boot Ranch trying to occupy myself and forget about certain things and certain people today, it worked for the most part but it still left a bitter taste in my mouth because I want to stay out and when I got back I found everything I had been thinking / planning fell through.
I met someone who lives near me two days ago on here — typical goth chick and all that jazz. We were having some pretty good conversation up until yesterday afternoon when I asked her what she prides herself in and she told me “Apathy”. She also ended up telling me how much she didn’t care and how she was proud of it… And then telling me how she didn’t even care for the conversation we were having…
That was a quick way to kill conversation with me and tell me you aren’t serious at all about relationships with anyone except yourself and whatever you do as your hobby — be apathetic about things. I mean, the girl was looking for someone to talk to and you get going with things and having an intelligent conversation is such a challenge with people you meet online and then you meet someone who actually talks with an IQ over 80 and you come to the conclusion you don’t care??? Great going, nice attitude and it was a real pleasure talking to you until you contradicted yourself by searching for conversation and not caring who or what you were talking to, or anything else for that matter.
Meanwhile I’m continuing to have the romantic thought of a small business or a business where everyone knows you and you know who you deal with… Like a small coffee shop in downtown Tampa where there is a market for places like that. As of right now, being in the suburbs, you don’t get that or don’t feel comfortable with the places you have. I had one place — the Java Jungle — where I used to hang out where I was comfortable with everyone and the atmosphere was great – just the location sucked for them. My dad’s cousin Linda and her husband Morgan have a place like that near San Francisco (small coffee shop) and it’s right around the corner from a Starbucks but they still have a loyal following.
I’d be content with something like that – but then again that takes money and that’s something I do not have any of right now.
Speaking of Downtown, I’m trying to explore ways to get my ass downtown and back… I never get a chance to just wander around down there and see the sights, it’s always zip-to-and-zip-back when I’m with people. Time for me to do stuff on my own if everyone is not going to take part in exploring
Disturbed, Frustrated, Confuse-ed
Well, my day was mostly uneventful and I will get to that in a minute but I am having some trouble collecting my thoughts here…
*John rummages around his brain and tries his best to collect his thoughts*
OK, I think I found a writing concept for this journal entry that works — I should start at the beginning and go from there. The beginning is a good place to start, right?
I woke up this morning with a partial plan of action – I had to look into a job with a Dry Cleaner a few hundred feet from my house. I went there around lunchtime and I was basically told I needed to call someone to inquire about part time work with their company.
“Call” being the word that struck me out from that job.
So I am getting extremely frustrated right now with looking for a job – it seems like everything would either put me into a pointless job or would just brush me off because I am not a common member of society. I don’t hear great, I’m deaf, I’m not normal, I’m not right, I’m strange, move on soldier – move on.
I don’t even know if I should go into confused for sure…
Disturbed? Why am I disturbed? Well, lets just put it this way – the nation has turned blindly loyal to Herr Bush and his Bushshit regime, vowing that Dubya must be supported because “We are at war.”
Correction, my Fellow Americans, we are at “Police Action” seeing the United States Congress never issued a declaration of War on the sovereign nation of Iraq.
Iraq is supposed to have weapons of mass destruction and all these bad bad things and at the same time — the nation is being bombed to shit and they don’t use them to get the invaders? What’s the logic behind that? Maybe, just maybe, things were — GASP! — destroyed? Maybe, just maybe, this war is not — GASP! — justified? Maybe, just maybe, there’s a bigger threat in this world? Maybe, just maybe, there are problems in the US that won’t be solved with tax cuts? Maybe, just maybe, Dubya is evading them and riding this war straight to the polls?
I’m going to be sick now… :puke
What i'm Not… What I am
I came online today and talked to a friend in Tampa today and it underlined a lot of things with me. A lot of things that I’m not into, a lot of things I don’t stand for, a lot of things that define me as a person.
I know I’m not like a lot of people I meet here in Florida. I know I’m not into the current music scene (mostly because it comes off as a jumble to me). I know if I had a choice between one person or being open to everyone and anything and living for the instant I’d chose one person in a moment. I know I have that one person in mind and I know that it’s a long hard road to get where I want to be but I want to find a way there with her.
I know I don’t think tattoos are cool. I think natural skin is sexy on a woman. I know I hate smoking. I know body piercing isn’t that arousing to me and I know that I’m old fashioned in all of that stuff.
I know that I am not into the idea of acting locally on global issues when it comes at the expense of acting on local issues that have made my town a laughing stock on a global realm. I know I’m not into George. W. Bush and his fascist regime. I know I am not into Jeb Bush and his fascist regime and the fact local political activists don’t aim for Jeb or what is wrong in Florida when they address issues.
I know I’m not normal in the essence of physical stuff and mental stuff. I know I am a bit kooky and crazy in that matter. I know I believe the DH is the epitome of corruption and bloated uselessness, I know I believe that there was a massive cover up in the Kennedy assassination and the Military was involved with everything. I know it’s easier to bite your tongue than step up and talk to someone and that I would be somewhere else right now if I could manage that on a regular basis.
What I’m not saying is that I don’t know if I would take that choice to not be here right now if I had it because those who I do interact without having been outgoing and active are some of the best people I could meet.
What I’m not is physical unless it’s in a more intimate way, what I’m not is muscle. What I am is a lover and not a fighter, what I am is someone who will fight for what I believe in though and that sometimes it’s hard to fight the powers that be because you don’t know how to organize the troops into battle.
What I am not is going to write any more, because I think I’ve rambled enough. What I am is calling this entry over
Happy Valentines Day Sarah
Well it’s been a month since I left a entry into my journal in any way shape or form. I’ve avoided this for one reason or another and in fact my journal came back to haunt me again a few weeks ago so I don’t know for sure if I should continue saying anything in these things. Is it because I want to be secretive? No, it’s more along the lines I don’t want to confuse anyone or upset anyone like I can do in here.
That leads me to my writing today. Today is Valentines Day, a day of heart, a day of joy for those who have found love and a day of misery for those without it, or a day or longing past romance from those you may very well be in love with but haven’t experienced the romantic side from your other in a while.
I’ve admittedly been in love since August with someone I haven’t ever met in person… Someone that has meant a lot to me because she’s not only been there to listen to me, but because we’ve just clicked in a lot of ways and I feel like she makes me better when I am with her. A better human being, a better comedian, a more thoughtful person, etc…
I don’t know what the future will bring us – if things will last any longer than a week or things are long term in the grandest meanings of the word – and of course I’ve had my doubts before (and still do of course, who doesn’t at times) but I realize the reason I am doubting a lot of the time is because of my own past or my own insecurities and paranoia… Life just tends to throw you off course whenever you see something you want and you have to keep going towards it while you can until what you desire moves either clearly out of the picture or is in your grasp.
1-4-3, S.M.R :kiss :rose
OK, now that i have gotten matters of the heart out of the way, it’s time to tell everyone just what I have been up to the past month that has made me not want to come on here and rant and rave… Well, I got fired from Target for starters. Not fired from screwing up but pink slipped. Cut backs and what not. I’m not exactly medically sound right now but I know I can get through this like I get through everything else that has ever made me intimidated before in my life — because I’m just too damned good to let it go to my head (you don’t know how bad a pun that was just now).
I’ve been all over the web trying to find something to pass the time – be it talking on instant message programs to talking on Message boards. I single handedly turned around the Segway-open mailing list as I may or may not have already reported. Segway’s, by the way, start shipping on March 1st. You’ll be seeing more of those buzzing around you soon enough.
George Dubya “Warmonger” Bush is dead set on a war in Iraq…. This goes as no surprise to me because they’ve been planning this thing since Bush took office in 2001…. Yet the entire world is against the US efforts to start a war and that is causing a bit of a problem.
Of course there is also the fact that Osama Bin Laden has issued a couple of new Communication tapes — which is always foreshadowing to an attack. The US is on a heightened terror alert right now and rightly so.
Oh yeah, and before I close this Journal entry off, I think that I have avoided a subject matter that in itself is huge that should have gotten it’s own private entry in here over the past month (but I’ve been too lazy to get to it) —
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS! SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS, BABY!!!!!!!!! DEFENSE WINS IT ALL!!!!!!!
The Postal "Code"
My first day off in what feels like weeks is today. I was up at the crack of dawn out of habit and I’m still going. On any other day (without work) I’d still be in bed, sleeping like a baby right now. How things change.
I’ve also got a cold in my eye, or so my optometrist says. I’m doing better than I was yesterday when it came to how my eye was (it was blood shot — it’s been like that for days), but I have to stick with medication for a time…
I had a thought that I have had with US Mail for a while. I don’t know if I ever talked about it (ranted, excuse me) in my journal before but I thought this was actually a good idea…. It’d help out Big Brother, unfortunately, as well as help out the US Postal service.
First thing you do is get rid of stamps as they are right now. Each household is given an account with the US mail and charged for mail they send and mail they receive. Lets say you only receive junk mail (not even bills) and never send anything — your bill would be basically a few cents on the dollar. If you do heavy sending and receiving, of course your bill will be higher.
Each message that you need to send isn’t given a regular postage stamp, it’s given a barcode so that the item can be tracked, charged to yur account, etc. The Postal Service sends you new barcodes with each billing statement….
Some would complain that some people use the US Mail and don’t live in a home or an apartment or a fixed place. This is very true. If you DO need to buy individual stamps, they would be able to be purchased at a much higher cost than what you have right now….
Then there are those who would complain about this – how much tracking ability should the Government have over mail? I don’t think much is necessary but I also believe that it’s important to be able to track malicious mail – Anthrax, mail bombs, etc…. One barcode can tell you where a stamp was purchased (if not charged to an account), when (time, date)… You can piece together much more evidence from that….
It’s an ambitious idea but I do believe it’s a worthy idea too. The US Postal Service is suffering in it’s current design and it’s time for an overhaul of equipment used and methods used of dealing with the Mail.
Gobble Gobble
Turkey Day….
Just what am I thankful for? Just what is there to be thankful for?
For starters, having readers like you actually viewing my web page. Hello, how are you? 🙂
I’m thankful for electronics and for the mesh of the electronic and the biologic that gives me a chance to hear again.
I’m thankful that George Dubya Bush hasn’t blown us all to hell yet – though I don’t think it will be much longer if the fool gets to remain in charge for a while.
I’m thankful for the internet….
For Sarah Marie….
For Target Corporation and giving a guy who can’t hear that well a chance to do a job on the sales floor.
Speaking of Target, I’m thankful I still have use of my legs, feet and arms after getting worn out pushing, shoving and lifting stuff and putting them on to shelves.
I’m thankful for Jon Gruden, for the Glazer family proving that they aren’t as incompetent as they are shrewd, for the Tampa Bay Buccaneer sand 9-2 as of this writing….
For the Tampa Bay Lightning proving me wrong and starting off very hot this season. I am very thankful for that.
For Lou Pinella Coming back to TB to coach the Devil Rays who play like Deviled Eggs.
For the Beatles and Sony Music not suing my ass, and for the fans who supported me while they threatened… I am most certainly thankful for this.
Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving everyone 😀
Nothing to see here, please disperse
The Dodger Boy is back again with yet another epic tale of sausages having their way with your intestines….
Yes, it’s another journal entry. Feel free to move on to the new web page that actually provides content besides my daily life…..
……
What? You’re still here? Shame on you! :smile
So I have a full work week in front of me — which is sort of cool and sort of bothersome… Bothersome because Bill quit Target in a hissy fit and I feel like I am getting —
Getting ahead of myself with negative thoughts. BAD BAD BAD. I want to have this job and I need this job and I need something to do every day instead of sitting at home on my ass in front of the computer, waiting for Bill to tell me another story about his niece Jillian and her life sus-far, or about his dog Bradley becoming Ernie-the-Hound-dog’s bitch….
Then again, I could also write. I started working on a story again that I started pre-9-11…. 9-10-01 to be exact. I had plans to finish it the next day but you know how that went…
I also had thoughts about a cool concept business that I do not have the capital to start up. I like the concept that I pieced together but I don’t know if it would work or not. Basically it’s a charter van that drives between downtown Tampa and a fixed location (locations? plural?) in Pinellas County. It can be used to commute to downtown Tampa or as a way to get to St. Pete Times Forum and other venues nearby. I figure it can be hired out by retirement homes and local associations (or schools?) to shuttle people around to fixed areas too….
At a flat cost compared to a Cab, though.
Meanwhile, I want to make note that Tampa/St. Pete is the second worst metro region for Pedestrians in the US of A…. How many times have I found this out to be the truth in person? :sad
Wall Off Wal-Mart!
Last night I finally got a good night of sleep after tossing and turning all weekend and getting up early. Nice refreshing change back to the norm – me sleeping in….
I went downstairs and I read the newspapers like usual and one of the top stories in the local “North Pinellas Times” section of the St. Petersburg Times simply enraged me. I ought to find something normal to get pissed off about, because politics and business (especially here in Florida) will be the end of me…
You see, Wal-Mart is proposing a new Supercenter along the bank of Lake Tarpon, which is entirely ridiculous. Where the building would be is not more than 10 miles from another Supercenter, nor is it 2 miles from a current Wal-Mart location….
The story’s headline? “Wal-Mart proposal includes traffic signal”…
You mean to tell me that a building that 1) adds to sprawl in North Pinellas, 2) hurts the environment, 3) Paves over a wooded RV Park and D) is useless, should make me feel more comfortable because they would add a TRAFFIC SIGNAL at their entrance point? Give me an f’n break!
I ended up going all out this morning over this – I emailed the stories writer with a complaint that he did not include the information that the proposed store rests only a few thousand feet from another Wal-Mart. I also went out and emailed my County Commissioners expressing displeasure over the proposal which now rests in their hands:
Commissioners:
My name is John Fontana and I’m a Pinellas County resident in North
Pinellas County. What I read in the newspaper today disturbed me and it
also made mention that the County Commission controlled the outcome of this
planned development – so I am emailing you in order to voice my displeasure
and concerns about what has been proposed.Walk Mart Corporation and Wilder Corp development have proposed a
Supercenter to be built adjacent to Lake Tarpon and U.S. 19 south of
Klosterman Road. While Wilder Corp argues about how the region suffers from
a lack of shopping (which has been their public argument since attempting to
build a Target and Lowe’s Home Improvement center on the property), it does
not seem to take into consideration why people oppose it and why residents
do not like the proposed.For starters, Wal-Mart has both a Supercenter and a standard Wal-Mart store
within driving distance of the proposed location. It is not a problem for
any resident to drive from Klosterman or points around the area to either
Alderman Road or Oldsmar where the locations of Wal-Mart’s stores are. The
proposed construction also adds more apartments to an already over-saturated
market here in North Pinellas. Innisbrook Resort gutted it’s property to
add hundreds of apartments within the last 5 years, and other Apartment
options surround the area…. Adding a new set of apartments would not just
drive down opposing apartment complexes value, but just continue to add
clutter to the sprawling North Pinellas area.Another problem with this proposal is environmental impact. Wilder Corp’s
plans would gut it’s wooded RV park and pave over the spot… It would also
disturb the Lake Tarpon ecosystem due to rain run-off that would end up in
the lake from the parking from both the proposed Wal-Mart and also the
proposed apartment’s.What is to become of the Wal-Mart that is currently located at Alderman Road
and U.S. 19? Would it be vacated and left to be an empty and ugly “box”?
Don’t we already have enough of these in the Bay Area and Pinellas County by
carpet-bagging developers? How much development are we going to allow to
tarnish Lake Tarpon? How many green-spots in Pinellas County are left to be
paved over with additional suburban sprawl? Is Wilder Corp’s vow to pay for
a traffic signal at US 19 and Cypress Pointe supposed to put my mind at ease
that my tax-payer dollars will not be spent on this? If that is the case,
it doesn’t. This development should be stopped in it’s tracks. There are
other uses for the property that are more sound than the current proposal.
That was sent to four of seven County Commissioners… I only pray they don’t just file this away and ignore the complaint.
I’m so sick of backing up and giving ground to large, ominous corporations…. I’ve done it with Sony and Apple Corp LTD…. I’ve bowed to the Corporate structure by getting a minimal job with Target Corp…. What’s next? I have to name my first born Microsoft Fontana in order to get to use Windows XP 2.0? Or have UPC codes tattooed to my skin in order to be able to purchase items from a specific company? Will I have to move because someone wants to build a gas station on my property and the County uses some hidden law to evict me? I want to fight it, I want to lobby against it, I want to protest it… And yet I can’t find many like-minded people near me.
Segway to where?
This time last year, or just about this time last year, there was an invention that got people (myself) really interested in just what the hell it was. It was an invention that had been talked about a year previously and people actively pondered just what it was – up until it was revealed just what it was.
It was a scooter – the Segway was born.
The reaction to the unveiling of the Segway HT was a mixed bag from some people after hearing such hype as “It will revolutionize life” and “people will build cities around it” from types such as Steve Jobs and the creator of Amazon . ‘It’s a scooter? That’s it?” “Man, that actually makes sense… what an idea…”
The Segway was designed specifically for urban living and work conditions – you don’t need an SUV to go to the corner convenience store for a pack of cigarettes. You don’t want to walk 15 blocks to the proper subway station to catch a ride uptown… You don’t want to walk the 2 and a half miles from your house to shopping in the hot hot sun and yet you don’t want to pay extra fees for parking.
That’s where Segway came in.
Do we REALLY need cars in our major cities (New York, San Francisco are the first two towns I think of)? And yet how much do we need to depend on something that works much like our own two feet?
I’m in suburbia and I STILL want one of these things. I am not allowed to drive and can use a mode of transportation that is both powered and faster than my slow amble. I need to commute to work (2 miles away) shopping (2 miles or more – depending on where I go), and other places by myself. I want independence. As someone who doesn’t have a license and can’t get one, the Segway would provide a good deal of help. Of course, a bike could arguably do the same job….
That’s the argument for and against Segway…. We have bikes and mopeds and skateboards and golf carts that were made for certain modes of transportation. The Segway is going to cost a pretty penny for pedestrians and they need an original way of saying “This is what you want and not the other stuff.”
OK that’s my rant…. Even though it doesn’t seem to have a point :tongue
My brother Andrew has his friend over today – someone I used to be good friends with but fell out of favor with over the years. I always used to wonder what this guy did on Sunday’s because he was never available for stuff. Football. Lots and lots of football, it seems because he’s been glued to our set since 1 :tongue.
Then again, I usually am like that :wink
Reunion to Work
I won’t even get into the election stuff but I will say “Open Mouth, insert foot” with how I handled the situation with my hearsay :mad . Very non progressive. Very disenfranchising.
But that’s not the big story in my life – the big story is WORK. W-O-R-K WORK. Sitting here now away from the action, I sorta dread going back, but while I am there, everything goes great and smoothly with a few minor bruises from my razor blade.
Yes, John the box cutter, the shelf stacker, the stock boy….
Wednesday was my first day and that went rather smooth. Everyone was very outgoing and helpful except the guests of course, but that’s to be expected.
It’s good to be among the real again on a regular basis. I honestly could have kept going past my quitting time today but I’m still dependent on others with transportation so it’s best I leave only modestly late and not hours late.
Today wasn’t as productive as as yesterday was because I got lost with a lot of things I was supposed to be stacking AND my legs are like – gone. Entirely. My thighs are tight and sort of weak, my knees can’t bend, my hamstrings are sore. This is what I get for not being able to hit the bike on a normal basis like I used to.
How come a lot of people in international places are getting on to Beatle Lyrics still? Or are able to access my old registered email address for the site? Odd.
RIP Dina Cullers
Daylight Savings Time is over, rejoice!
And now for something completely different. Or completely the same but not on topic to me whining about current events. I’m going to bring up something from my past. From far in my past — 6 or 7 years ago to be exact. It’s something I need to get off my chest and something I need the general masses to see not because I think it is of dire importance but it’s of importance to me.
You see, when I was back in high school I got my first job in 1995 bagging groceries at Albertsons supermarket about 2 miles from my house. When I think of the job now, I just think of how I loathed bagging groceries for other people who didn’t treat me like anything. People who laughed because of my hearing problems and such like that.
What I only once-in-a-while think of are the people I worked with, the people that I hung out with, those who I made friends with.
I think back and I can’t even remember everyone’s name now but I can think of one person I wronged. Well, two people I wronged when you bring up my mouth and my insults. One hurt led to another and the other hurt might have gone way too far and physically inflicted pain on someone.
Would you believe someone could cause another person a heart attack if they have feelings for that person and that person upsets them?
Dina Cullers. The name Dina Cullers brings back the memory of a friend of mine who had feelings for me – or at least I think she did. I turned on Charisma on that job like I had never known before I started working, and one of the people who got caught up in the humor was Dina. Dina was in her 20’s and a former Countryside High School student. She had diabetes and she….
I also had a friend named Nina… I can’t remember her exact last name but it was Beards or Beers or something like that. Nina was someone I had a slight crush on and unfortunately we ended up going in opposite directions as friends. One day I blew up at her while I was frustrated and tired and annoyed she didn’t help out pack groceries while I was overworked… I held that against her.
A few days later the whole situation came to a head and everything just went very very bad… I think I should have gotten fired but I didn’t…. The point isn’t the fact I blew up at Nina (which I’d apologize for if I could), it’s the fact that Dina thought I was mad at her… She asked me if I was mad at her and I just got frustrated because I didn’t want to explain it and…
And now Dina’s dead.
I think that was the last time I ever interacted with her… With someone I knew had a thing for me, with a person that didn’t have many bright spots in her life. She was a diabetic, she still lived at home. She couldn’t drive. So many things that are like me now and for so many years I’ve taken responsibility or felt like I was responsible in part for her death.
How? Maybe it’s the hopeless romantic in me but it was Broken Heart that did it. The fact I acted the way I did, she left to go home and she died of a diabetes related heart attack. Sure that says right there that she had a reason other than me, but I still think I upset her enough to help it along. Or did I? Have I kept her in my head in some ways all these years just for the sake of someone remembering her? Have I given myself too much “credit” for amount of hurt I caused?
In either case. I’m sorry Dina…. Too little, too late, but I’m sorry and I won’t forget you.
Sniper Stuff
The Sniper case finally broke late last night. If you have been living under a rock the past month you would not be aware of Sniper attacks that have been going on in Maryland and North Virginia — 10 (?) killed, several wounded – and the fact they had no leads on who was doing this or how to catch the guy.
What really irks me about this – forget them finally catching the guy for a moment – is the guy called the task force that was investigating these attacks. He called several times at that. And what happened? They hung up on him. They disregarded him. They brushed off the calls.
And five more people got shot and died because they were that ignorant not to take his calls seriously.
It’s screw ups like this that got thousands killed on September 11th… You know,” intelligence” not taking possible scenario’s seriously enough to acknowledge the threats…
Crazy, just too frigging crazy.
Alluding
First off, a week until my birthday…. Donations and death threats can be sent to the Stonegauge….
Have you ever found your heart just aching for someone you know? Someone who remembers something, or makes a routine joke that they’ve made before… Someone who says something truly sweet to you or someone who admittedly thinks about you all the time….
I never really knew love, mutual love, until now. I can’t give details, I can’t give mug shots, I can’t even tell you why this has happened or how but I can say I’m happy right now…. :smile
And upset at the same time. I will remain vague just because
Rays are finally out of my misery right now. It’s been a long and pathetic season. I joked on www.emailtherays.com that the team is changing it’s name tot he “Groundhog Days” (in honor of Bill Murray’s movie) because they are putrid at every level… over, and over, and over again and never get it right.
Meanwhile, the Bucs kicked ass Sunday 😀
For the sake of posting 2
Hi Kids, I’m back around. For those of you expecting Jerry Lewis, I regret to inform you that he wouldn’t be caught dead with me 😛
So yes, I am making a full entry into this web journal no matter how little it means to people. Isn’t it grand to have John back? Don’t you wish he would just go the hell away again?
Yeah, I’m in such a CHEERFUL mood 🙄
As many of you know I have had a pair of crappy months in a row. For personal reasons and for web-related reasons and after my mini vacation (sic) I’m forced to face both foes once again — the social BS and the web related BS.
Now if only I had my writing kick coming back to me….
The Knife
This is probably my last entry for the time being. I’ve got to get some sleep tonight and I need to / want to talk to some people before I leave tomorrow and I would be more likely to stick around talking to them than tap-tappity-tap-tap the keyboard and write out a journal entry on this web site.
I published contact/feedback information for Sony Music on the Fab 4 Lyrics section of the site. If you’re pissed that they are pulling this shit (threatening over lyrics being published on the web) — TELL THEM. Make sure you tell them it’s in regards to Beatlelyrics.com
I got a haircut today and lets just say the guy who appears in the Stonegauge logo above does not look much like me right now. For those of you who saw my picture in the St. Pete Times from the 1st article about the situation that arose with Beatlelyrics.com – I can say that my long locks in that photo are gone as well.
I spent most of the morning pinning about politics…. I really continue to despise George W. Bush and feel half of what I’ve gone through is helped along because of his administration is so pro-corporate… I also feel the US is guilty of Terrorism with their threat on Iraq… Sure Iraq poses a threat with biological weapons or other stuff — but SO DO WE! So does GREAT BRITAIN, so do other countries that are our allies but we aren’t going to bomb them and invade. We aren’t about to oust the government in Saudi Arabia even though they support terrorism. Hell, we sponsor terror by allowing Saudi Arabia to remain our ally and continue to have unrestricted access to the US. How many of September 11th’s hijackers were from SA? Where is Osama Bin Laden from? It’s bullshit.
I want Bush out of office so bad…. I look and ask are we better off than we were 2 years ago and I gag at the thought… Economics are skewerd, corporations rule, the environment means little to Dubya and some of our freedoms are being taken away by the Attorney General who is a far-right-wing thinker. Why don’t they just burn the Bill of Rights, declare the Bush family the first monarchy of dictatorship and throw all liberals (like myself) in jail who might question the President. How many times have I heard that I am in the wrong for questioning the president because we are at war? Should I be intimidated like that? No sir…. ESPECIALLY seeing the president’s Administration is doing objectionable stuff.
Oh well, just about 13 hours before I need to be up and ready to go… 🙁 I’ll hopefully get to leave you another comment in this journal soon….
Crap Unadulterated
Hello my pretties… **laughs of pure evil ensue** 😈
So today was crap. Not just regular crap, but pure, unadulterated crap. The type of crap that will just keep you awake at night when you want to roll over and go to sleep. The kind of crap that will plague a long car trip between point A and point B, causing a 2 hour trip to span 4 hours due to time taken at rest stops in order to let the Crap have it’s way with you.
Yes, Crap rued the day.
Fanhome was giving all 1400+ users on the site a load of crap. The pages were slow, the loading was bothersome. I couldn’t find out if anyone was trying to fix the problem so I threw my hands up in disgust and left the site. The trade deadline in Baseball, which caused the huge influx of users today by the way, didn’t even have anything eventful happen with it! Worst trade deadline I can remember… Nothing happened!
While all this was going on (with FanHome) I ran into a girl on Yahoo messenger from Tarpon. She seemed really interested in having a relationship with someone – no I don’t mean just meeting someone and hooking up, I mean she put a note that she wanted something serious and a the M word on her page… The M word is taboo when you are just trying to meet a guy, Ladies. We all know that you want it in the end and (some of us) are happy to oblige but while you are searching for a man, don’t throw out the M word. I’ve met too many girls that wanted to get hitched lickety split and ended up regretting getting involved with the guy in question.
And for the record, I ended up mentioning I had a hearing impairment and I didn’t have another word spoken to me from said girl :-p .
*Sigh* No word from Sonnenschein, Nath and Rosenthal, which I am happy with. Last thing I want to hear is that everything else needs to be brought down because they don’t like the ugly mug on the top of this page. Or the fact they don’t like how I talked to the media after they shit on me.
Crap. Total crap. Totally unadulterated crap! Oh the humanity!
So I’ll send out apologies to my friends for just being me, I’ll send out apologies to my online friends for doing the pity party thing lately, and I’ll send out apologies to you — the readers — for having to trek through my day of Crap
Californiacationed
I’m back…
After getting caught up at home (read – unwound, read the paper, got bored to shit, etc) I’m here giving you the update on what went down during my four day trek through Jim Morrison’s City of Light (or City of Night, take your pick).
First and foremost, the flight to LA was good – we had pretty good conditions and we also had a basically empty plane that made a stop over in Albuquerque, New Mexico before going on to LA. There was, however, a rather gross incident on this flight I would rather forget – a kid sitting across the aisle either spilled a drink or wet his pants, he proceeded to stand up on his seat and disrobe all the way to his bare ass. Now, nudity is pretty cool in some lights, but I do not want to look at a child’s penis, nor do I think they should be allowed to get naked on the plane in plain view of everyone else…
What he didn’t do, and I’m glad he didn’t, was run up and down the aisle screaming “Nekkid time! Nekkid time!”
Anyway, on the second leg of the flight — I enjoyed a soft drink instead of the bottled water which I had been drinking for most of the flight. I also had my father repeatedly flip me the bird. Gee, thanks Dad.
When we got to LA, everything was great up until we got near St. Vincent Medical Center – traffic was snarled and we were frustrated as hell by it, not only that but we went to the local grocery store to pick up some things for our stay and we found out that there had been a MAJOR accident involving buried utilities. Some of the street lights on the way had been out, the stores themselves were shut, there was police tape from here to San Bernardino and we basically had to go back empty handed.
Anything else of worth on that trip? No really, the settings of my ABI were changed and they’re a bit fuckered at this point. I’ll get used to it of course but it will take a while. I also wrote a new poem that I’ll probably put on the site soon enough, but I want to go about doing some web work and see if I can get the new design for this page (yes kiddies, new design — maybe) together.
