Category: Personal
The life and times of John Fontana — personal blog posts about things John is dealing with / going through / thinking of / experiencing.
Applies for Frustrations too
“How come hurt is a one way street with you? You get it but you don’t act like you cause it through your own choices or actions. Your words haven’t even been acknowledged.”
Another Glimmer Train contest
Poetry.
Anyone who knows me knows I did a good deal of poetry in my time and that I have a collection of some of my favorites on the site . I’ve been encouraged by others to go and have my poetry published and have tried in the past – only to be discouraged.
Well, I’m willing to give it another shot with Glimmer Trains LAST Poetry Contest.. I figure I have two outstanding (no pun intended) submissions with them as is, why not add a third or a fourth.
That’s where YOU come in though.
You see, I could easily submit one of my favorite poems on my poetry page to them, but I don’t know if that would be wise because it’s not the favorite that my friends have. Actually, I’m not sure what people’s favorites are on my poetry page. Give me your thoughts on this, I could use some guidance from people…
Joseph 2004!
Though many of you satirists (sic) out there might have already come across this page, and I may have already mentioned it on here:
www.joseph2004.org
Nice mock-up of the oen Democratic candidate who is a Republican in Dem clothing… A conservative man in a liberal land, etc….
more to come later, hopefully.
Big event today…
Big things are happening today, I mean really really big things… Great things that will make the entire world happy…
Willy Wonka is opening his factory up to the kids who found the Golden Tickets and he will let them tour the factory before….
Oh wait, that was just a movie? Never mind
Editing Aggravations
The story I liked best that I wrote before I started Long Ridge, the story of Thomas and his death which I called Ignorant Bliss, is a mess right now. The focus doesn’t remain on Thomas at certain points and confuses the reader a bit, you don’t know certain facts until too late in the story (though you can’t know everything until later because you are supposed to be as ignorant as Thomas) and at 5000 words, I am going to have to edit the story down for submission.
I got my work cut out for me on my labor of love.
Editing can be a good thing. It can also be an aggravation especially when you are sort of happy what you wrote through Zen=writing with no editing. Just throw-it-out-until-you-are-done-and-damn-editing.
Of course, I earned a major ego boost with props i got for the editing job I did of my last assignment which used to appear on my Poetry section. So I know I am capable of editing it’s just a grand task. I am going to have to go back and edit the story I finished last night too, but I need some feedback before I even try that… Just for outside ideas what’s wrong with it.
….And I need to get my ass working on fresh ideas, because I’m coming from one direction with everything I write right now, which typecasts me. I want to be known as someone who has a wide variety genre’s instead of just one.
Legging it out – shrinking it down
To talk about today before last night, I just had another physical therapy session where I surprised myself with leg strength. Oh, I am no where near where I would hope to be, but I’m happy with the results.
For those not in the know, and I haven’t talked about it too much on here, I have been working with a physical therapist twice a week (named Bob, built guy, pretty cool) doing simple exercises to get some strength and possibly some balance back. What would be routine for others is a challenge for me right now. :mad
So going back a few hours, I had an idle conversation with a shrink online. Yes, a shrink (or someone who claimed they used to be one) who was online. She had been in an auto accident and instead of acting like a shrink, I felt like she was trying to new-age me with things. “Close your eyes, open your mind… put on three doors down. You are a freebird” — say what?
It depressed me, a bit, with things she told me. Angered me as well. Though she could understand my pain-and the difficulties I am facing right now, she didn’t understand my life, nor did she make sense in some of that crap she was telling me — “have faith in your mind first” (I have faith in my mind, but this isn’t the sense she meant it).
It got frustrating. Especially after I started talking to her again this morning (well, she started talking to me) and she asked me if I am ever humorous after she said something that i guess I was supposed to take as a joke… :rolleyes
Anyway, I finished up a story last night. I’m cooling off with it right now and I will go back and edit it a few times over the next few days/weeks. I’m also more than willing to send this thing to would-be guinea pigs… :tongue
Wordsmith
I’ve been pressing myself to write today. I mean, I started with the “Peter’s Problem” story but I actually decided to put that on ice for now until I have the next urge. I started going back to other manuscripts that I started writing in the past and trying to finish those stories up – or at least contribute to them.
Yeah, piece by piece is what I am trying to add to stories. Some of them I had a clear plan with when I started them and others — well, others were a lot of just me writing what was on my mind – a vision — and hoping I found something to do with them.
Leah was over again this afternoon — 3 weeks in a row. I appreciate that because it ads another dimension to my day.
And for the sake of saying so, I looked into upgrading my web space on Dreamhost for the sake of allowing me to host more domains in the future.
"Inspired by a True Story"
When you meet a writer online and he can notice that you’ve got something worth re-telling, interesting things happen.
Windows and waiting for what…?
I got up early again today – I’ve been waking up early most of the weak and staying in bed until Ir eally have to get my ass in gear. Half of the time I lie there thinking of what i have to do for the day and that gets me going at one point or another – but well after my cobwebs are gone from my head.
On this particular day, I had to get up before 9… I had been up well past two thinking about things, so I thought this would be a bit more difficult than it ended up…
Now you must be wondering why I HAD to get up at 9…
See, about 6 years ago I smashed a few rocks I picked up from Cape Cod two years earlier, through my bedroom window in a fit of rage (teenage angst coupled with losing ones hearing as well as feeling fenced in). I’ve been meaning to have the glass replaced for about…. 6 years, and had my uncle replace my window all together (it was cheaper) this morning.
The new window is nice — and minus a fly screen outside, however. Everything I look at is clear and not broken up in sections (and I don’t mean shattered glass sections) like my old window.
Anyway, after that I faded pretty fast and couldn’t quite find something to get productive with. I’ve been feeling like I am waiting for something – to hear from someone, to have something happen, for the next life perhaps (rest in peace, Gloria Foster )… Just SOMETHING.
I’ve got “Peter’s Problem” (can’t even think of a working title) that I have aluded to sitting over me. I’ve got a folder full of stories I never foudn a plot for that I could get a plot for, write, finish and then send in to a magazine (but I haven’t). I need some motivation but then again I also just NEED… I don’t know how else to put it. Need to hear some things, need to see some things, need to have some things… i don’t know…
Or are these wants? Whatever it is, I am waiting and delaying because of it…
Eh?
You are Trinity, from “The Matrix.”
Strong, beautiful- you epitomize the ultimate
heroine.
What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Well, that’s nice… I’m a heroine. Strange that several of my stories for class have been with women as the lead character as well…
Well, I woudl think that Trinity embodies / personifies the sun sign of Libra – so it’s all good…
Just a little taste
I’m going to give you folks (my readers) a little chance to read a piece of that story (32 pages) that I am writing. if you’re interested in more – please say so… Click on the below link to check out the lead to the story.
Read More
Der Long Ridge
So you can see I was frustrated before — well, not frustrated per-se but I mean I was just a bit intimidated by it all — as I was reading through one of the books assigned to me through my writing course (The Best of the Magazine Markets 2003 edition) as part of Assignment 5…
I am in no way confident about this and am ready to do it over if need be – though I have the basis for the story in my head and could try to complete it now if I wanted to. This assignment is a two parter though – I don’t send the story, just the opening and a synopsis and some markets I would submit to.
Markets – blah. You wouldn’t believe how ridiculous I felt when I found one of those markets, thought it was a match, and saw who put this friggin’ thing out… Signs – yeah, right…
at any rate, I’m going to get the new assignment out in the mail tomorrow. That’s good, I really don’t want it hanging on my shoulders for the time being. The other good news — well, sorta good news — with my writing is I took another chance with a previous assignment and submitted Thank God for Arthur to Glimmer Train’s short story contest. Of course, I won’t find out how things go with that until the new year, but at the same time – it’s worth a shot. I still have another month to go before I find out how badly Conflicting Affections did in their very-short-story contest.
I should be more optimistic though — 1200 bucks for first prize is reason to remain optimistic. Same with the 1200 I would get in the Short Story contest if I came in first place there as well…
Not that’ll happen… but I’ve got to try to keep positive with some things in life if life won’t afford it to me elsewhere.
Research
Researching writing markets… blah!
Sadly and sardonicly ironic discoveries during research – double blah!
*grumble grumble*
Distractionless research – triple blah!
*grumble, grumble… grrrr*
It always gets worse before it gets better
Just when I thought things were getting better with me – emotionally at least — I get hit hard with things again.
I hate being right. I hate being considered a know-it-all and dismissed. I hate being brushed off and having to live with the consequences of their decisions.
I’m being obtuse in my explanation what is going on — I was just right when it came to what tumor is causing problems with my legs and if I have the tumor operated on, I would possibly be made wheelchair bound… Not knowing how long or if at all I would ever recover and get out of it.
I thought of some of the dreams I had in the past – some I have shared with others and I realize they are gone — they only exist in my mind and the only place I can live them is in my mind… I don’t know if anyone reading this can comprehend what it feels like to be told by friends not to be negative but have your entire future white washed… Or be told that your life is ahead of you and not know the truth to that statement…
I don’t want pity, but at the same time I don’t want to feel alone even though those around me insist I am not alone — and that they are pulling for me. I know my friends care, I know that my family cares… but at the same time, there’s this void in my soul — something deep down — that exists. It’s the peace I had once in my life, one that I can fill temporarily by getting my mind off things (the writing and my last post on the journal is a good example)… but at the same time, there is only one true escape and one true way to get around this fortress of solitude and it’s looking increasingly impossible that life will afford me this.
Spanglish
No soy nada.
No tengo nada.
No sé nada.
Sé lo que deseo.
Sé mis necesidades.
Sé lo que deseo.
No sé nada.
Soy cuáles soy.
Soy lo que amo.
Soy lo que necesito.
No soy nada.
Tengo deseo.
Tengo sensaciones.
Tengo necesidades.
No tengo nada.
Soy un perdedor y ésta es mi vida
No tome la culpabilidad de esto
The future is uncertain and the end always near
I will find no rest here. I heard her voice inside my head…. She said to me, even now, there is hope left, but I cannot see it. It is long since we had any hope. My father is a noble man, but his rule is failing, and our people lose faith — Boromir (Sean Bean), Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
I’m not taking encouragement very well right now when people tell me that things will get better … And as much as I am trying to have faith that things will improve and they will fall where they are supposed to, I can’t keep it without evidence of something getting better for me instead of something staying pat or getting worse..
It hit me pretty bad at Andy’s place today. The place is a virtual construction zone and I only have compliments for what he is doing with the house… At the same time, it panged at me and hurt with the realization I couldn’t help him out with the house like I want to. The most I can do is stumble in and out because my body has failed me, even though there is will power left and a humbled soul inside me….
Even now there is hope left, but I cannot see it….
I can’t grip reality, only fantasy. I ought to see a shrink but then again they would only confirm things i already know about myself and give me solutions that I have already heard and thought of and probably try to put me on drugs to cure me with more chemicals… Which I wouldn’t want. I don’t want to fake my way to feeling better. I want to achieve it with things improving…. And yet when I think of how to achieve it, the dream is what I set as a benchmark… Which isn’t realistic and yet it’s what I want…
I don’t know if I am screwed up in the head or someone that should be applauded for holding on to their wants and not compromising…. Yet my wants are compromised by the fact that maybe God didn’t plan it the way I was hoping he did — or that it will only fall that way with time…
I could close this with the “it is long since we had any hope” but that wouldn’t be the truth…
Faith
I don’t know if I should be writing about this topic or not because I am not the best guy to go to when it comes to Faith in things. But at the same time I need to at least express my thought son the subject and my own search for it.
Now, what is faith? Faith is a sort of blind trusting of things, letting the chips fall where they may and trusting that they will fall in a way that is OK by you. At the same time Faith is believing that things are going to work out of the best and everything happens for a reason.
I know I have lived life faithless and in a lot of ways I continue to live life that way — think I am the only one in charge of my own destiny and can influence things that are out of my control. I wanted to do what i could in my power to show how much I cared. At other times, I’ve been left so alone that I felt as though no one in the world would put a heavy amount of trust in me, even though friends were laying emotions and thoughts on me. I was looking for someone — I didn’t know who or where or when — who would put some faith in me over things. Someone specific and yet someone I didn’t know.
Faith — I can thank my parents and then myself for abandoning the divine faith… I got out of the habit of going to church at a young age and that was the first seeds of doubt that were laid. When I went to church, I never understood why I was going… Or how I was supposed to pray (was it just wishing?), and I guess I didn’t have the faith then for God to go ahead and show me the way. Going to a religion class on weeknights was sort of the same thing – I was learning what they wanted me to learn but I wasn’t taking it all in and understanding what it was. Maybe I was too young? I like to think that with a lot of things that I started a year before most kids did. I didn’t skip a grade, it was that I started school a year early (pre school and then regular school) and that effected how I did things.
So where am I now with this Faith? In a lot of ways I am lost and yet I am trying to put my faith in some things again. It’s difficult because I want to be the one in control or do what I can to influence an outcome and yet I should show enough faith in people to realize that it’s their choice and their decision how things go and I know they have made the right decisions more times than not and I should trust their judgment. I don’t, however, want to express that faith in the government, who does things beyond my control and makes decisions that I do not endorse. I have control over my government and yet as a member of the US — I am dependent on others having a like mind on things. Instead of doing that, they show that blind faith more times than not and it’s not good for the world. Faith in religion and faith in government are two separate things.
Faith in people is entirely different and yet so much the same I can’t even comprehend.
Right now I need to show more faith than I ever have in this life and at the same time — my faith is really balancing on the edge of a blade. Part of me wants to believe that things happen for a reason and that they fall where they may because something leads to something else… (see Signs ) And yet at the same time, if things don’t work out a certain way, all faith might be lost. All beliefs that I should put faith in people’s hearts and their decisions will be thrown to the curb. I feel like a dick because of this – who am I to stand up and try to make my own personal wants what come to pass? At the same time, knowing how I would be (and this is a pun it would seem) faithful makes me really want to push because I don’t want anyone to lose out on something.
Faith — the faithless heathen that I am wants it, and the manipulative bastard that I am will only keep it if things work out a certain way. I’m sorry, God, that I’m like this. I’m sorry to the world that someone with a big heart can’t show trust in the way things will work out…
Good day / Bad day
It’s funny how things can go good and go bad at the same time…. It’s funny how you are forced to live life as a groveling idiot in the Fontana household or have others make yourself feel like trash through their actions and they don’t seem to even acknowledge that.
Or your lack of abilities at the time they are most inconvenient are ignored.
I wake up early, after some problems things tart going good — just because of a ray of sunshine that showed up to give me a good morning… Then things get going fine, I get productive and handle some things I needed to… And then they turn to shit when I have to deal with my apathetic/indolent mother.
I don’t want to go into it any more and I’m a little peeved I am reporting it in the first place what has gone on.. I finally think I am having an OK day and those around me do what they can to pull me back down.
Accomplishments?
So it’;s Tuesday and I’m afraid to say I didn’t accomplish much today — though I had a productive therapy session with my therapist Bob. My mind kept going back a few steps and telling me “OK, you should move on and do that next” and yet I never brought myself to doing just what was being suggested of me (literally).
My mind has been all over the place today with thoughts and at the same time I think I’ve come to a realization but that remains to be seen.
So I DID finally get in touch with Lou Fisher. I just had to disable my firewall program in order for my email to get through to him. Hopefully I’ll use that as motivation to start moving my ass on assignment 5, yet I haven’t really gone over Lou’s last letter to me or the assignment that I am supposed to be doing. Damn procrastination and damn non-motivation. I need a dose of get-go or something in person to go with me through the next phase until I am able to operate on my own on the subject matter (shouldn’t take long, just need a push to get started).
Counting down
You know, i’ve made no mention of this —
Only 22 more days until my birthday. Those shopping days are counting down to a precious few!
5 Senses
5 Senses
Taste
– The words
– The longing
– The emotion
Feel
– The flavor
– The Memory
– The Realization
See
– The sweet nothings
– The touched
– The aching for more
Smell
– The Love
– The romance
– The desire
Hear
– Her perfume in the wind
– The kiss on the cheek
– His hand across your bare skin
© 2003 John P. Fontana
More questions than answers
It’s funny sometimes where you seem to find a path – or get on a set course and there are more questions than answers and you can’t get the answers until the powers that be give them to you.
The powers that be might be a colleague, a lover, a boss, God, your brother, Family…
But then again you are at the mercy of this/these powers until so much of a time they reveal what they aren’t telling you… Until that time you have to find another course, of sorts, and try to bide your time until things become clearer.
And when you achieve that clarity? Look out because you may be set on another course and left to the Powers that Be once again…
Slow Day
This was a day of surprise and un-accomplishments. A day of procrastination and aggravation along with laziness and hope. It was a day of knowing what i have to accomplish and not going out and doing it — you can be shown the door, shown the path, but only you can walk it through.
I know I have to get back to writing – I have to try to contact Lou Fisher once again and just let him know I am ok and all that. Long Ridge’s website wasn’t working well for me before and after my operation and I am hesitant to try-try-again. I haven’t even looked at Assignment 5 nor have I done an edit of Assignment 4 using Lou’s recommendations but I know i will have to put my nose to the grindstone soon on that.
I haven’t heard from PIF Magazine or Glimmer Train magazine with regards to my entries to their publications from last month — one was a contest entry and I shouldn’t hear back until November (from Glimmer Train) but PIF is supposed to be a monthly publication and I have heard crap from them.
So what was the surprise? Take the good with the bad. It was sort of wacky the fact I had thought to re-iterate to Sarah yesterday (but didn’t, mind you) that she can use my journal to vent any time she wants to. Lo and behold an email from her this morning saying she had done just that after a crappy night. The other surprise — of the bad sort — is my left leg continuing to be weak as hell. Not just that but the fact fo the matter is I don’t know if the leg is there, from how it feels, and it effects my balance and everything else. Walking is a burden with it because I can’t seem to control my knee or my ankle.
Yeah, bad news folks.
And you thought all my entries were going to start being of substance and quality again? Shame on you!
Small Town Clique
Hey..it’s Sarah again…I just need to blow some steam tonight, so I’m very greatful to John to allow me to write on here when I want. Thank you John. So…here’s my steam..
I spent my entire childhood and teen years dealing with cliques. There were the popular girls, the smart-suck-up girls, the drug addicts, and then there was my group…the somewhat unpopular people who stuck together because with out each other, we had no one.
In sixth grade I started hanging out wiht the smart-suck-up girls. It was the year from hell. I was the butt of the jokes, the one being laughed at, the one forced to sit at the other half of the table when there wasn’t room for everyone to sit on one half. I hated it, and it didn’t take me long to decide not to hang out with them anymore. I felt like shit though…because I had made fun of the people who were my friends before because I thought I was better..I had moved up in the chain of popularity. But I went back to this group, and never left them out again.
I hated the cliques of middle school, and they were still very prevalent my senior year of high school. The good thing was that we all started to get along in high school, because we left the petty things behind. I thought I’d be able to leave the pettiness and cliques of my home town in the dust and be able to form new relationships with many people…and hang out with them all, not having a clique of my own or others to worry about.
I was wrong. I went to lunch today with three girls from my floor…I hardly know two of them, but they are truly nice people, like the third girl that I’ve known since she moved in. One offered to get me a drink, another recommended trying a dessert…they were nice people that I didn’t expect to be nice people.
Then for dinner I went with three people who I know very well. My roommate, Katrina, and Jozie. My roommate and I get along pretty well, so I was thinking. We haven’t fought, nor has she shown any sign of a problem with me. Katrina’s ok…kind of judgemental as I’ve gathered. Then there’s Jozie, who I haven’t had a warm feeling from since I met her. She never seems to want to talk to me..and when she does talk to me, she’s always short and snappy. So I was the last to sit down to eat, and when I sat down they were talking about going somewhere tonight (last night since it’s after midnight now), and then the conversation stopped.
They talked about a lot of things, but didn’t really include me in the conversation..and when I tried to speak up, someone interrupted me…no one laughed if I said something that i expected would be funny. On the way back, they kind of asked each other if they were going to take showers and what not, and when we into the dorm (it’s about 50 steps to get inside) there’s two stair cases, the first goes only to the 1st level, and the second goes all the way down here. Katrina, Mary and I live on the lowest level. Jozie asked if they were coming to her room, and they all went. Feeling enough of a “third” wheel (though I was indeed the fourth person), I said I was going to go down here right away.
And off they went. I went into my friend Louise’s room to see what she was doing, and about 45 minutes later, went to my room to drop off my keys and id in the room. There’s Mary and Jozie all ready to go out… They never asked if I wanted to go..never acted like they wanted me to go…and I didn’t want to go with them anyway. Not after they had treated me like shit at dinner.
What pisses me off is that I’m going to be the one to hear all about it tomorrow (today…time thing), and how much fun they had…and frankly I want to rub their nose in it. That’s how I felt in 6th grade. And in 6th grade, I just changed my group of friends.
It’s not so easy to do, though, when you don’t have people around to catch your back when you fall…When you have no history with people and they already have their friends that they hang out with…
It really feels shitty…much like reliving 6th grade all over again.
My old "buddies" strike again
Well, well, well… So much as for writing an entry about faith in this space at this time… Something else came up and I thought it was worthy of a posting. I have some old friends that are in the news again and up to their old antics.
“Old friends” you ask? Surely you have heard of the law firm Sonnenschein, Nath and Rosenthal before, haven’t you? No? Honestly not? If I told you they are the firm representing the most influential pop band of the 20th century, maybe you would get a clearer picture of who they are?
The Beatles / apple Corp Ltd’s lawyers.
Apple Corp LTD — founded by John, Paul, George and Ringo all those years ago after the death of Brian Epstein (their manager) — has sued Apple Computers over trademark infringement which makes me wonder just what the hell those lawyers do in their spare time. “Lets go ahead and shake up the industry as much as we can because, damnit, we have clients that are worth billions and we should have a piece of the pie.”
Why do I care? Anyone close to me should know that is a very silly question… I, after all, have already been under the wrath of this very law firm and Apple Corp LTD. Everyone close to me knows this and any constant reader probably would have heard me bellyache already about this. I just find it sick – and sad – where the corporate embodiment of four guys who preached the dreams of life, would try to pinch pennies and make up millions upon millions of dollars by nit-picking issues with a company that has absolutely nothing to do with them.
There’s no mistaking Apple Corp LTD. and Apple Computers… I guess Lawyers just sit around and try to find out where else they can go to get more money through legal fees.
Humility
This entry has a dual purpose because there’s an anecdote from the hospital that I’ve failed to report in here and there was something that happened today (that I already bitched to someone about) that just really made me feel like less than I do already.
Lets go back to the Hospital and my immediate recovery in there. I told this story to someone already but I just like it because it’s so strange and at the same time so demeaning.
I got out of post-op and started on my way back to normalcy feeling pretty good despite a little pain from the operation. I was generally in good spirits. Was waiting to hear from a few people on my pager and wanted to take my time before I found out who was going to contact me and stuff. The hospital chaplain came into my room and gave me a blessing, even though I am a very very rotten Catholic. Actually made me feel good, if still awkward with religion.
It may have been a day later when I had two older people — middle age — come into my room and start talking to me. I told them flat out that I couldn’t understand and they were very understanding about it and did what they could to accommodate me. They were Catholic reps and wanted to give me communion and stuff like that. I explained to them my discomfort with religion and instead of trying to lecture me, I got a very understanding response from both of them and told that God loves me anyway. I was offered some literature (religious pamphlets, I assume — if not the bible) and accepted, though I never got those papers from these two. It was another pleasant experience that left me a little more at ease with religion and all that, if still awkward.
Unfortunately that didn’t remain the case. Someone had to screw things up and it happened the day of my discharge where I was made to feel like an it — not a person, just a thing. Some heathen, a poor and tortured soul with no heart or mind.
Some woman came into the room — big teeth, hair down to her chin, and started speaking to me. My mom was in the room at the time and we both tried to explain that I couldn’t hear well so I didn’t know what the woman was saying. Instead of her making any attempt to communicate with me — she just nodded and smiled and started speaking… Saying over and over again (as I found out later) that God Loves me. She didn’t look at me as she spoke these words, and she wasn’t looking to the heavens when she was either. She looked at my hat. She acted like I wasn’t there. She basically made me feel like nothing in her blessings. She single handedly – through her good intentions — endorsed the caricature of religion that I have over the years grown to have.
A week of work, shattered for the Lord. Thank you, ma’am. My mom gasped and laughed at the ridiculous after it happened. All I could do was join her — it was just too outrageous.
What does this accomplish if someone goes out and tries to do something for someone but makes them humiliated in the process? What does it accomplish for either side? You think it leaves you in good standing or makes you feel good in your heart to know you did something while not knowing how terrible you made the other party involved feel? That’s something that has bothered me before when I have gotten less than stellar reactions to gifts or niceties from me – I didn’t want to do something that made someone feel bad (though I may very well have accomplished it without trying to).
Why am I ranting about this?
Well, I had another lesson in humility to night — feeling humiliated — as my darling older brother continued to make me feel less than I already do during my recuperation. I won’t go into details because I’m just not in the mood but I don’t need a mocking head nod from the asshole, nor do I need criticism for making attempts at things to achieve some normalcy in my life, or scornful remarks for trying to go down the stairs and having an accident in the attempt (leg “giving out” under me before I got off the top step). I want to get better, I’d like to get better with help, but god damnit — I don’t need this shit in order to do that. I know this is tough for my family and I have apologized a few times to my parents because of it… Mike, on the other hand, is going past the “Older brother” stage and making me feel like I’m just some inept, incompetent little shit that hinders everything in the household and makes life a living hell for those who live here.
I don’t know folks — I’ll fight on but it doesn’t get any easier when people make you feel less than you are. I already have enough shit that I am up against, I could use support and understanding. I could use an attempt by others to make a connection so I don’t feel like just another member of one’s quota. I could use some understanding and less abrasiveness and arrogance and scornfulness in order to get through this. It’s tough for everybody, but remember it’s toughest for me first (as selfish as that sounds) — I don’t just have to live with these difficulties, I have to live with the knowledge I am passing on all this pain to my loved ones and firends…. It’s not a burden I would want anyone to carry.
9-11
The morning of 9-11-01 I was sorta groggy — I had been nursing several Smirnoff Ice’s the night before and writing out several pages of a story that just shot the shit — it was my first real great creative writing attempt in a while and I had the notion to continue writing on September 11th just for the sake of trying to accomplish something with written words.
I was woken up at sometime after 9 — maybe it was after 10 — by my mom who had a written message saying that the World Trade Center had been bombed and that there was a car bomb at the Pentagon. At first hearing this, I didn’t think of how bad it was — the US was overdue when it came to an attack on us with the discontent sentiment from certain parties around the globe. It was after my mom said that one of the towers were gone that I started to view how bad things were.
| I got up, grudgingly and put on CNN to see what was going on and witnessed the most surreal image of my life — the south tower of the World Trade Center stood a smoking stick in the sky and the north tower was gone — clouds of rubble surrounded the south tower. |  |
I got on-line, going back and forth with the TV and the computer – I started talking to friends and the few who were on-line and in the know (my friend, Matt Rogish) shared a sentiment with me of the anger, outrage and hurt — “This is war! This is war!” I know I alerted several to what happened while on here — that’s right, broke the news of 9-11 to people who were on the west coast or were closed-minded enough not to realize there was a world beyond them (that’s a story in itself I will bitch about in the future).
Things progressed and I had a sick sense of anxiousness — waiting for the next leg of this attack, and it didn”t come, thank God.
9-11 was a morning that shook me to the core and let me witness the best in Americans shortly after the attack occurred )the days and weeks that followed). Now? Two years later — I feel betrayed by my government and by those who exploit not only the terrible tragedy that was 9-11 but exploit patriotism and our fear of another 9-11 to get their own will pushed on the masses.
Make no mistake, I am for strong national security, I am for a lot of things that prevent another 9-11 style attack… But I am also very much against things like the Patriot Act which were just sitting on a shelf, waiting for a national tragedy in order to get passed through congress. I am also very much against the Office of Homeland Security, as I have stated in the past. This is a job for the Defense Department, and streamlining national defense to get the red ink and the bullshit that CAUSED 9-11 in the first place, cleared up, should take precedence over starting wars for oil or going on an offensive mission to seek out terrorism. You can only start going strong on offense after you have a strong defense. 9-11 proved our defense is shaky – at best. (thank you, Tony Dungy, for teaching this important lesson to me)
Do I fear another attack in the future? Yes. I’m not living in terror, but I will say that war is coming and it will be unlike anything the world has seen before…
In one ear and out the other
It’s odd how many thoughts I had ready to jot down as a journal entry last night as I was enshrouded by insomnia — politics, random babble, defense of insecurities, attacking paranoia’s, etc, etc, etc….
And all of them have fallen out of my head and become chewing gum on the sidewalk of life — unable to be resurrected.
SO why am I typing up these trivial journal entries right now? I’m wondering that myself, I know others wondered that during their tenures on Der Stonegauge and I know others that read this journal probably get to that point where they wonder “What the hell is supposed to be entertaining about this?”
Well, it’s not for you (depending who is reading this), it’s for me.
That’s something I keep forgetting when it comes to writing down stuff — it was an escape from a lot of vileness and a lot of pain for a time and I am indulged by the pain and the vileness once again. The only problem is my collected thoughts that should make up something entertaining when amassed as written words amount to jack shit right now. And I hate Jack Shit, his breath smells.
I watched The Two Towers today and I was fairly disappointed at how the story turned. I mean, certain suspicions of mine were confirmed and other parts of the story just didn’t hold me like The Fellowship Of The Ring did. SO much going on, spread out, and so little time to tell the tale…
Then again, maybe I am just too f’n harsh on movies?
I also saw another Occupational Therapist today. I’ve seen 3 who have critiqued me in certain things since I got out of the hospital last week. This guy had me doing routine, trivial stuff and you know what? My legs couldn’t take it. Shortly after he left, I collapsed on the floor — my leg giving out much like it had just after I saw The Matrix Reloaded.
But in a lot of ways — it was GOOD that happened. Every time I’ve been working with someone, the tasks put in front of me have failed to challenge me. This guy made it difficult in a assessing way and I needed to put myself to task with his requests.
Question for anyone who wants to answer: Do you do something that another person seems fickle in response to, or wait until they show more enthusiasm (if ever) about the idea?
Better day
I can’t say much more than that – I decided to get off my ass and stop being so lethargetic — with thanks to two things n particular – people and the end of movies about faith.
THanks Sarah.
Thanks Signs
Now if my day was more productive, maybe it would have earned a real journal entry? Alas, I did some talking online and got myself cleaned up and did a few more trips up and down the stair than I had been. Big F’m whoop — big deal for me though.
Struggling
I really didn’t expect to be on here at all today from how my morning started and dragged on. I was very depressed along with not feeling great. I’m still extremely lethargetic and not very interested in doing anything in particular….
I had a grim morning – as I said – with my mind nit-picking on details of my own funeral and what I want. That’s how bad I was feeling… Blah.
I also talked to my younger brother on the phone tonight – I never call anyone on the phone and yet I called Andy for the first time and we just talked for a few minutes… From a rough and tumble image and a rough and tumble attitude — I got to see the pearly white of his soul in that conversation on the phone. It meant a lot to me…
Right now, I am completely lkost ladies and gentlemen. I’ve pretty much convinced myself I was right, wanting that second opinion — becasue any leg weakness I am having now is not a result of surgery on my upper back. I also convinced myself I have no goal to reach for — unless I get that back problem that is causing the leg weakness ultimately fixed.
And there is more — A distance of 900 miles and just how much a guy like me can mean to anyone else… No goals, failed ambitions, nothing to reach for except another’s hand.
Bad shape day
Today I got to know how bad I am right now. I got to see my body operating on it’s own without many things to save me.
I’ve fallen, tripped, drugged myself too much, or too little – take yoru pick. I’ve let my sorrows get me to nit-pick issues I shouldn’t and torture myself because of doing so… I’ve been with a therapist, I’ve been with a nurse… I’ve been no where and everywhere in the house all at one time.
I’ve seen the TV and seen I don’t want to watch anything on there. I’ve looked online and seen there’s only one person right now that I need and if circumstances were different – it wouldn’t be online need – it be a tangible need.
There are so many things I need to get to doing but right now I really should just take it easy and fart around – I am allowed. There so many things I want to do and can’t… so many things that I can do but won’t bring myself to do…
You’re allowed, John, to take a few days off. Or at least you might be…
Anecdotes from a hospital-based boytoy
Ah, the journal… Now if only I could start writing like a human being again. I’ve found out that I am typing mistakes more often and using incomplete sentences more often because I’ve been stuck on the T900 pager the last week and keeping things tied into my friends online through that.
There’s so much I can say here and so much I want to say – stuff still going on and stuff that I want to talk about to specific people but the time isn’t right.
My hospital stay started with a bang – well not really, it was more like an “Oh shit!” when I forced myself to look at the clock besides my bed and see that it was 6 Am. I was due at the hospital at 5:45… Crap. I jumped, got dressed and got the hell out of dodge… Didn’t get tied up in traffic and actually got to the Hospital before my scheduled operation time… Not just that, was only a few minutes late going into the OR.
Was it scary? Going under the knife is always scary but it wasn’t scary like last year. There was something still sitting with me that was scarier and I was trying to accept things as moving on because of it. O course, waking up and having a mask put on me again didn’t make me feel comfortable either but then again – blacking out and waking up in post-op was about what I expected next.
Though I did dream. Of what, I don’t recall, but I am certain I dreamt this time I was under. I don’t usually dream. Last time I dreamt anything, it was of green clouds during my first operation.
ANYWAY, I wake up in the Post-op/recovery center and I’m watching the clock, of all things, because I was hoping to catch someone on a TV Talk show at 12:30. Of course it’s around 2 at the time and my priorities are out of whack but then again – I guess this also showed my confidence now. Oh sure, I was in pain, I was in a neck brace, and I had little movement in my legs (Muscle relaxants) but I was ready to start recovery.
I’ll tell more soon, other things take precedence now – like sleep.
Six Flags Water Park
I was healthy enough to go to the wonderful Six Flags St. Louis park today, so I woke up at 8 am to my stereo. The week before I moved in, there was a blackout because a transformer had a problem. Today they were fixing the problem, and they pre-warned us that the power would be out from 6 am until 11 am today. So thank God I put batteries in my stereo before I left home, just in case. Otherwise my roommate and I would have had to wake up to a cell phone alarm.
Also, my dorm happens to be in the basement, and for one reason or another, they never installed emergency lights. As soon as you walked into the hallway, the only light was the exit signs at either end. The bathroom had some light in it, luckily, because of the window. About 45 minutes later, my roommate and two other girls from my floor were ready to go. I was thinking about grabbing my jacket, but then I decided that I wouldn’t want to carry it with me if I didn’t need it.
That was a mistake.
We got on the bus and you could tell it had been raining all night, and it was sprinkling. The sky didn’t show any hope for clearing off, but we thought it would surely stop sometime during the day.
The park was great because there were no lines. We rode Mr. Freeze, Batman, a Scooby Doo ride (you had laser guns that you could shoot at targets while floating through this ride..and yes, it’s made for little kids), Ninja, The Boss, and some other little fair rides.
However, the rain never stopped. In fact, it began to downpour. I didn’t have a part of my body or a piece of clothing that was dry by noon, and we weren’t going to be picked up until 5. The rain stung your face when you were on any fast moving ride so opening your eyes was unthinkable. We decided at one point to try to get out of the rain and go to a show. It was so cold because of the air conditioning that we left before the show even started. So we stood. We stood and waited under awnings, we found a place selling hot chocolate, and then we stood there for probably a half hour. Occasionally I would go to the bathroom and wring my shirt out because it was so wet.
Then we heard that the park was closing at 3 instead of at 8pm. But wait, our bus wasn’t coming until 5! We wandered around, riding some other things for another hour until 3pm. We found a pay phone and called the coordinator for the trip–thank God two girls I was with remembered the number he dictated to us on the bus before we left.
He said he’d call the bus company for us and be sure that it got there early. It was already 3, though, and we were at least 40 minutes from our school. We didn’t expect the bus until 4. About 3:20, we were told by a security officer to go out to the pavilion where people purchase their parking passes and wait for our bus.
No more than ten minutes after we had been moved to the pavilion, the coordinator for the trip showed up. He couldn’t get hold of the bus company. The dispatcher wasn’t working or some B.S. like that. So we were stuck there until 4:30, freezing cold and soaking wet.
So, now that I’m feeling healthy again, I only hope that today doesn’t send me into another sick spell. I have to admit though, today wasn’t a total loss. I met some new people, got to ride every ride I wanted without a wait, and had some fun doing it all.
Lost that healthy feeling
I’m planning on going to Six Flags in St. Louis tomorrow and hopefully everything will go alright. If you look, there was no entry yesterday. The reason things might not work out for me going to Six Flags and the reason there was no entry happens to be the same. Yesterday I was miserably sick. Terrible sinus headaches, stuffy nose, sore, ichy throat, ichy eyes, and I can’t hear myself talk.
Last night I woke up at about 2:30, my roommate had just come home, and I couldn’t fall back asleep because my body ached and I started coughing. I ended up going and taking a really hot shower, trying to let the steam help me breath again.
When I first woke up this morning I wasn’t feeling nearly as bad. I still wish I were home in my bed…with a stove where I can make some soup…and lay on the couch and watch a tv where I know what channel corresponds to the number. I suppose I’m home sick, though, I think “at college and sick” defines it better. I’m about the only one who didn’t go home because they were sick. Everyone else’s parents picked them up or they drove home.
Anyway, I’ll most likely be laying in my bed all day again. Today I’ve got to try to do some kind of work…school work or just cleaning up…I’ll be bored to death if I don’t.
DÃa Aburrido
It’s friday night and I’m sitting in my dorm room doing nothing. That’s really pathetic as some of you may know from going to college. Today has been eventful enough for me, though. I have a really sore throat, I’ve been sneezing, and I think I just need to slow the pace down a bit.
The day was rather uneventful. Once again, Spanish brought the hilight of my day. We talked a lot, so my throat started to hurt, but after class I had my first one-on-one encounter with a college guy. He was in my small group for the class period, and we were talking about different stuff in spanish..and when we’d have class next. “See ya on Tuesday!” he said. Yeah, so I felt good. Senior named Stew. Nice guy.
I’m not going to jump to conclusions and say that he’s in love with me or anything like that. He asked me about our Spanish Lab that he missed. He wanted to know what we did and if attendance was taken. That’s all that really matters to most students. Anyway, after last night, I think I’d come off really wishy-washy if I drooled all over this guy I hardly know. He was really nothing to drool over anyway.
Damn..I just sneezed again. This really sucks. I think I’m going to call it a night (at least for the journal entry thing) and go chat with some people online tonight. I’m trying to keep to myself in my dorm, so I don’t infect others. Plus a lot of people have left for the long weekend, and those left went out tonight. Not many around to converse with.
John should be back tomorrow, I believe..we’ll see. He says he’s doing well, and “site traffic will return to normal levels without your presence on the site.” Does that mean they’ve dropped or they’ve gone up, and will return to normal?? Why don’t you let me know and leave a comment or two, so I know how many people are actually reading this. It’d be really cool…plus it’d make John a little jealous I think…lol. Not that I want to, but I think he has a really nice site that not many get to see. So tell your friends! I look forward to hearing from you!
Loneliness
I’m quite sad right now..without a reason really. I’m quite lonely and I have this yearning inside of me that just wishes I had someone here to curl up with and watch a movie or to sit and talk with while we listen to music. The feeling is indescribable to me…like fingernails on a chalk board it really gets me to the point where I want to grit my teeth or throw my head into my pillow until I pass out from exaustion.
It has taken my energy away and made me feel a wave of depression sweep through. I am supposed to be reading my history but I cannot focus to do so. I cannot focus enough to do much of anything, especially writing a journal entry. Generally when I get in this mood I write until my little hand cannot take any more writing or I type until my wrists hurt. There are just so many thoughts that I throw down on paper or onto the screen that I could go through for you right now.
Quite frankly, when I fall into this slump I feel like talking to John the most..he can usually bring me out of it. He’s the one guy I’ve almost always been able to depend on for anything. I can’t wait until he gets back to talk to him..after being away from him for a while I start to feel like part of me is missing..somehow he seems to bring it out in me.
I think he knows that…I think he feels the same too. So maybe I’m not feeling a sort of loneliness..maybe it’s more of a heartache.
Well…that’s all for tonight. I think I’m going to just lay on my bed and let my mind wander for the next couple hours.
Beautiful Day
Ever have a day so wonderful you didn’t and couldn’t let go of it? Ever wish you could live it again and again? Prom was always one of those days for me..or the weekend of homecoming. The energy is so positive all around you, you get to dress up, and you feel so beautiful and important. Yesterday was one of those days for me. Except it didn’t start lovely..nothing that big even happened.
What started this awesome day was a workout at about 1:20 yesterday. I ran and walked with a friend from my floor for about an hour, and afterwards I was refreshed by a shower. It was a nice cool shower that washed the heat away. I pulled my hair back into a low, parted ponytail and finished up my writing for all of you in cyber space. I was nearly late (so I thought) for my Spanish class, but I got there plenty early.
Spanish class is so much fun for me…I love the sound of hearing any foreign language, especially Spanish. More importantly, I love to hear myself speak in Spanish when I’m having a good day with an accent. In class we talked about all kinds of things…boyfriends, girlfriends, painters, writers, books, heroes, and anything else that came up. It was all in Spanish. This was much like my Spanish classes at my high school. I came out of that class with a smile on my face, and suddenly this spark of energy and happiness that had no end. I hurried back to my dorm to share my happiness with everyone.
Many people couldn’t believe how peppy I was just because of my Spanish class. It was as if I were high on something (but I don’t do that sort of thing so believe me, I wasn’t). I smiled and laughed so much with my friends that my cheeks actually hurt. My roommate and I finally got to talking about ourselves a little deeper and now I see how much I really like her. Everything just seemed to click.
Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was still in such a good mood. Mary (my roommate) had the Dave Matthews and Tim Reynold’s Live at Luther CD and we were listening to that before we went to bed. The cd is completely laid back and awesome, exactly how I felt that day. Dave Matthews Band is my favorite one out there…if you’re a fan, let me know…we need to chat sometime.
Finally at 12:45 AM I had to draw things to a close. I had my 8 AM today and I needed to get some sleep. I only hope that today will be half of the day I had yesterday.
Glimpse of Heaven
I saw a beautiful and rare sight today as I went to class at 8 AM. On my way towards the stairs I heard that it was raining outside so I grabbed a jacket out of my darkened dorm and made my way to the lobby of the Griesedeck Complex. It was my first time to see the campus after a downpour. The trees were dripping, grass seemed greener, and one could smell the dust that was beaten down in the rain. It was relatively calm all around. As I gazed across the campus skyline, I saw the powerful steeple of the University Church jutting into the air. It seemed as if a person could climb to the top of the steeple and leap into heaven. You see, the storm was building on the right side, and other ominous clouds were crowding toward it on the left. The sun could barely peek through, but the light that escaped through this gateway was brilliant and of a rich color. I think this morning while God was “moving some furniture around” (my excuse for thunder when I was little), St. Xavier, the patron saint of the church, was smiling on all of the freshman leaving Gries for their 8 o’clock class.
I’m sure everyone wonders who I am. John isn’t in college… he doesn’t live in a dorm. My name’s Sarah. This is my entry. John left this in my hands for the next couple days while he’s undergoing surgery and recovery. I have great faith that he will be back in only a few days and you will not have to deal with my crappy writing.
I’ll give you a bit of my background just for the hell of it basically….I’m from a small town in Illinois, just outside the Quad-City area. I’m 18 years old and I’m now attending Saint Louis University, home of the Billikens. Woo Hoo! My graduating class at home was 59, and I have twice that many people on two floors of my dorm. It’s and adventure so far, but it’s definitely an adventure that I’m learning to love. The paragraph above about the clouds this morning was written between classes of mine, and I decided to include it in here as kind of an opening.
John and I met in a chat room over a year ago, and although he never says my name in his journal entries, he’s talked about me once or twice. Actually more than that even. Usually I appear in here when we’re arguing about something..I don’t really like arguing with John because it takes so much out of me, but shit happens I suppose. I know he realizes this, and I do to….I always come back. It may take a few days, weeks or even months, but I do. Although we’ve never actually met in person, I think we probably will someday. I don’t know if he thinks that, but I still do.
Well, until tomorrow folks, take care and God bless. (And I promise tomorrow will be better!)
Famous last words
A stoned out, paranoid Russell Hammond preaches to writer William Miller from the top of a house… “And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were… I’m on drugs!!!!” The party crowd at said house roars in wild response.
William says, “Russell! I think we should work on those last words!”
“I got it, I got it. Last words… Last words… Ok…. I dig music…? ” (ganders at the audience who nod in disappointed acceptance)
…..
“I’m on drugs!!!! ” — the crowd explodes in a drunken, drugged out euphoria and Russell Hammond, lead singer of Stillwater, plunges to a watery grave (OK, he just sunk to the bottom of the pool)…
Something tells me this entry is a far less dramatic departure from the scene… And I don’t think this is a said “departure,” much like a didn’t think the music was over or the book finished in other instances of my life, and that has proved true in one fashion or another. It’s just putting off for a while and then resuming the music with a different beat, a different subject in the next chapter of the novel…
So, with that in mind and the fact I am being JUST a little too strange in my departing words, I turn the reigns over for the meantime to someone that i have both lauded, melted over and maligned in this journal in one way or another before — Sarah.
I’ve been told I’ll be back in 3 days time, well — three days after surgery. Saturday or Sunday. Sarah’s going to try to hold the fort down but then again, this is her first foray into blogging from what i know… Likely she will show herself to be a damn sight better than I am in my whiny, ranty form… And more ENTERTAINING to boot, perchance?
Take care folks, see you when the next endeavor presents itself…
T-Minus hours, minutes, seconds
Spent the morning / early afternoon at the hospital with Pre-op stuff. It’s funny how easy it is to choke on something when you don’t chew it — or how painful it can be when you have difficulty continuing to swallow what you are choking on…
I also have something sorta freaking me out that I’ve been thinking about since Bill reminded me of it this weekend — last year, when I had my neck operation, it would seem that everyone downstairs knew just who I was when Bill asked where I happened to be. Am I more famous at the hospital than I know? A celebrity that doesn’t pull in a paparazzi of my own? Mayhap. Then again, it could have just been on steaming pile of coincidence, hold the cream cheese.
Meanwhile, my Spectra 22 is on the fritz. For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about, it’s the device I use with the ABI in my head to let me hear. It’s been down since this weekend and proving to be a pain in the ass to get it fixed.
Hmmphf, figures.
On a less personal note — the GAO issued a report that Dick Cheney covered up corruption in the Bush administration Energy policy. My only reaction to that is, “Well, Duh!”
And I believe I do have a guest writer for Der Stonegauge while I am away… I’ll touch on that later on, hopefully.
Downed
T minus a day and a matter of hours.
I ranted to a few people today about how I am right now and I really came to the clear realization I don’t like focusing on myself. I mean, I’ve been called selfish when I’m being a pain in the ass but I’m high strung with certain things — picky-choosy. That’s not being selfish. Being selfish is doling out one’s life over and over again and making yourself the subject of items. I don’t like to do that when I have bad news to share, I’d rather share the positives and we all know things aren’t exactly positive for me right now. Then again, i can share my negatives when I know I’m truly SHARING with someone and it isn’t just a casual relationship.
I also need something to prop me up, I guess, emotionally. Fluff my ego and all that. Friends have wanted to help me out if they can but there’s not much one can do to help. Some have said “I wish I could take away your problems” — that’s likewise. Others can just agree that things suck right now and get brash on the fact I’m down… While others ignore it, maybe it’ll go away?
A venerable cornucopia of reactions to a NF2 patient who’s about to have an operation on his spine.
In other news, I forgot to tell you all that Lou got back to me with lesson four and….
Loved it!
Oh, yeah, I still need to work on things. For all of my reviewing of the story (previously published on this site, “Thank god for Arthur” and my editing down of the story, it still had a few flaws, but it really came out good. I need to be more clear with italics (I tried a technique some authors use with italicizing personal thoughts, which was a no no),and get more comfortable with dialogue (I’m actually comfortable with it, it’s grammar around dialogue and quotes that I need to work on) but all in all…
“Mavelous, dahling!”
Any requests to see the finished product?
The Coming
You’re conceived. When you’re born, you come to be, as it’s known. You come into the world. You come into your family and your journey through life begins. That’s the start of the comings of life.
You come into a lot of things and as you progress in life, mature, you start coming with things. Yes, that’s the sex reference there. Your life becomes the coming – the desire to come with another. Of course there’s more TOO life than that, I am just using it as a reference.
And you end up letting someone else come into the world through this. Your desire, that primal urge to copulate equals more comings than goings.
That brings up death and what I have a problem with – if your life is guided by the comings – or pushed ahead on the comings – who can say that we “go” to someplace with death? “You’re going to heaven because you’ve been true to yourself, you didn’t lie, steal, cheat or kill and it’s all good.” “You rotten bastard, you’re going to hell! All you’ve ever done is lie to me!”
You could phrase death as things “Coming to a close” but coming to a close doesn’t give you the perception that there is anything more after it. You could be coming to an apex of your being that goes beyond what we know and what we don’t… Or, there might be some other coming that we don’t even comprehend – that our minds are too feeble to comprehend.
All of this inspired by a video on HBO where a son told his mother, “You go be with Jesus now…” It didn’t sound right to me, It didn’t feel right to me…. Go to it, go away from it, go be part of it… There are so many times we try to GO and fail… And yet when we COME – it’s only success. Surely there are more examples of comings in life as opposed to goings…?
Coming to a head
C7 / T1 is not the tumor that is causing my legs to be weak, it’s not the tumor causing my sensation loss among other things.
It is, however, the tumor Dr. Smith wants to operate on, which would likely put me in dire straights afterwords because I wouldn’t be getting up out of bed — I’d be sitting in a wheelchair, unable to walk because my legs are so weak (and likely more).
The reaction I get from people is mixed — some want me to nuck-the-fuck-up, as I like to put it… Others don’t listen to me, while others can’t comprehend. My mom admittedly puts off problems — that’s how this got that far out of control to begin with, putting off and putting off and putting off. I’m so fucking SICK of putting off, and yet part of me wants to PUT OFF going after this upper back tumor in order to go after the one that causing the problems I am having in my lower portion of my body.
“But for fucks sake” I can repeat all the negatives only so much while wanting something to happen and unfortunately nothing gets done.
I made mention above about my mom telling me she puts off — she also asked in that conversation if I want to move out and never got a straight answer from me. I told her I can’t afford to, that I don’t have the money to pay for it and what not… I didn’t tell her the obvious though, “Yes I want to move out. Yes I want to be on my own, have my own place, call my own shots and all that jazz which I haven’t been able to do since things started going downhill.”
**sigh**
A year removed
Well, 365 Days ago I had two very big events in my life…
And honestly I don’t know what to tell you in text. A year removed from my neck operation and I am sort of missing — not the operation but the contentment I found in mutual feelings for someone.
Beddy Bye
Well, today’s moving day for thousands — if not millions — of teens and young adults as they go out to college and start their higher education career and a new life in general. Tonight for some (such as a few friends of mine — Terrable, Sarah) are sleeping in their own beds for the last time for weeks or months.
Actually, it’s their last night to be able to use the term “my own bed” period. As of tomorrow – it’s not your bed any more. Does that sound odd? Or feel odd? It’s not supposed to, I’m not trying to put a scare into anyone, but tomorrow is end of one part of your life that they’ve known and the beginning of another. Where home will not feel the same in the not-too-distant future when they return there, and their bed – though comfortable compared to what they had in the past — just doesn’t feel the same for one reason or another.
It’s not your own bed any more. It used to be your bed, alas, no more. Your bed is in your apartment or the one in your dorm. Some day it’ll be something else when you further move out on your own to some place and time that isn’t the here and now. It’s lonely thinking of this in some ways and it’s torture in others… It’s moving on from the past and striving forward into the future.
But as all that moving forward is going, I’m going to go sleep in my own bed tonight and crumble up in my comforter as I have for the past 13 years and find slumber while tucked among my pillows. It’s the one familiar in my life — the one constant… Maybe that’s been the same for you and your bed? Whatever it is, there’s no place like home… And when you’re home, there’s no place like that specific spot you’ve been sleeping
For now my heart is going to go get snuggled cozily into my own bed. It might be too small, it may be aging, it does have a smell — but it’s my little piece of heaven. It’s the one place on earth I only want to share with special persons (heh, tell that to my parents for every time they took a seat on my bed when I was sick and nagged me to move so they could sit on the mattress), it’s the only place in the world I’m guaranteed solitude. It’s the only place in the world where my mind can run un-bridled with dreams.
It’s beddy bye time. And whenever that moment comes around for everyone else, I’m hoping they can find just as much comfort and peace in their beds – wherever they may be – as I find in mine.
Funny Bones, lack of drones
I am SO disturbed…
corrupt thy children! Worth 1000
He he he he… I don’t know what’s more disturbing – me laughing my ass off at these pictures or me forcing them on other people? 
.
So things aren’t much better for me as it stands right now – and I’m talking on many levels here when I say this. I’ve had ideas to write but I haven’t gotten them down on paper or on the journal. I called Doc Smith’s office today and what happened? I got told to fax him after telling his secretary I have no fax. Hmmphf. Figures, right?
I suggest to a friend that they write a satire article and submit it to Red Tide News because the one’s he has been posting on the Buccaneer usenet newsgroup have been funny as hell… And what happens? I get some asshole snipping at me because he believes no one goes to Red Tide News any more and that my firend in question woudl be better off posting on the Newsgroup where he would get “much more traffic”…. Right….
In other news… I’ve actually brought myself to venture back onto the venerable and everlasting FanBone. Not much though, seeing I am just out of it with sports. I am not in it with politics either even though everyone should think otherwise with that…
Loneliness, Southbound
So what have I done the past four days in my house? Just about everything…. Alone at that.
In fact I went and put on a pot of coffee for my parents about the time their flight got in. You know, Mr. Nice Guy and stuff like that. I would never do some shit like this if I wasn’t craving attention in some way. How was I thanked? I think I got 10 words total out of both my parents when I talked to them. Oh, they could give me the rub that they were tired — or someone else might make that case with me – but they sure as shit had a lot to talk about with my older brother. They weren’t as dismissive or non-inquiring about things.
And what about John?
Lets see, I’m using a WALKER to keep my balance at times around the house, I can’t just leave the house… I’ve been stuck here with someone who believed I couldn’t handle shit in the house alone and yet he was also someone who wouldn’t bother trying to talk to me much — if at all — the entire time.
To say the least, I’ve been lonely. I’m still lonely… I don’t know how the hell I am going to get through the next few weeks in the hospital feeling like this, because it’s not like I’m going to have people stopping by much.
I’m lost. Plain and simple, I am lost.
Accomplished
OK, I am not an accomplished writer — officially yet… that’s not what this entry is about.
I’m not an accomplished Smart ass… Well, wait a minute.. Um, strike that…
No on no, I meant to say that the day was full of accomplishments that I didn’t even set out to accomplish. You think when you get on your own in one way or another things would be a lot more tough because you are responsible for everything now – laundry, cleaning up, etc. I actually enjoyed it, for the most part. I figure when I’m no longer alone for the majority of the day, I will just bitch that “You know, I might have done this all along if you hadn’t bitched to me as a kid that this was YOUR house.”
Your house… hmm… That gives me Whit House political rants to nag at you, the reader, and the fact that the current occupant is working in spite of the citizens of the Untied States, but then again, I think I will skip that.
Here’s a true life confession from family about the blackout yesterday in New York and the Northeast —
I was in NYC- on the 18th floor of the Hotel Pennsylvania – walked down (got
pretty dizzy) ….went up to 41st and 7th…then got evicted from IFS’ NYC
showroom on 41st when they evacuated – stranded at Penn Station – literally
laying on the road at 34th street across from Macy’s and the entrance to the
LIRR ….until 1 am when I hitched a ride with a messenger service driver
and 6 other people headed for Ronkonkoma. Sat on the mail with a hand truck
in my back. I had no cash because someone had stuffed something in the ATM
machine slot that morning – Only $22 dollars in my pocket (that will never
happen again), 2 bottles of water, a half bag of pretzels, a nectarine (my
survival supplies) and no bathroom. I couldn’t reach Eric for 5 hours so he
was worried sick. We couldn’t reach his Dad until 11 am this morning!I’m basically tired and screwed. But happy nothing really bad happened.
Fun stuff — an adventure, albeit an annoying adventure, yet an adventure ever still.
Doing something shocking for another
Have you ever come across someone you can reach but can’t and yet want to do something to show them that you have interest, or are committed to them… Or maybe you’ve heard of someone who took an extra step on there own terms to reach the one they care about? Something that surprised or awed their spouse.
I was thinking back to a friend I had on ICQ a few years ago — a girl named Jayne — telling me about her boyfriend. Now, Jayne was deaf and had been that way for a long time… It would seem that not only did her boyfriend have interest in her but he went out of his way in order to make contact with her: He learned sign language specifically so he could just talk to her. I don’t mean he was already in with the girl – I mean he did it just to start talking.
And from what I recall, the two of them ended up married.
That’s just an example of doing something major for someone else. Of course, everyone is going to react differently to different things and that means there is no RIGHT answer to doing something like this… But is there anything that someone has done for you that has shown them going out of there way to do it? Or what would you do to go out of your way for someone else, just to show them you are keenly interested in them?
OK, this is one of those entries where I would like to hear the readers thoughts and comments on this… that’s what the little “COMMENT” link is for :tongue