Confident / Unconfident

Need to spend some time writing on here just for the sake of venting personal thoughts and rambles. I did it in yesterday’s post and I’ll do it again today cuz I’m such a cool guy like that :p.

I’ve got things going for me in certain lights right now — I’m needed somewhere, my skills are being put to use, I’ve got responsibilities and I’m meeting those challenges unlike people seemed to expect me to do. I’ve overcome a lot from my life the last few years — physically — and I know I have more to overcome in the next few.

But alas, I’m at this point where I wonder what the point is? Not because I’m at this depressive state like Marvin from The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It’s not manic or overpossesive like that. No, it’s more like being lonely and not thinking of myself as good enough to draw the admiration of someone who fits my standards. I keep asking myself where or when I’m going to meet that one and I keep misleading myself about opportunities and possibilities. Simply biding my time on the visions of grandeur with the who-what-where of the moment and not getting any farther than that after all is set and done.

Meaning, if relationships can be represented by a short pile of clothing — I only have a short pile of clothes and every article is either owned by someone else or some wretched, hole-filled piece of trash that no respectable person can wear in public.

Hi, I’m John and I’m a high strung, mop topped, intellegent and insecure, sickly little shit. May I take your order/

I’ve lost a bit of confidence I can make someone happy. I don’t even know what I want any more as-so-much know I’m missing a level of life that seems standard-issue to everyone except me. Somthing I’ve craved since forever and something I’ve only known in a fleeting instance on the Interweb.

I miss what I had in that fleeting instance and fear that’s the only time I’m ever going to experience what I always wanted – knowing someone, loving someone and being true to them. Not being able to live without them. Being destroyed losing them.

Some people say being single is better than being in a relationship. Well, I’m not seeing anyone or being introduced to anyone. Being single sucks. On the other hand, being put into a cage and torn down on a daily basis by your significant other sucks too.

But alas, this vent is over…