The future is uncertain and the end always near

I will find no rest here. I heard her voice inside my head…. She said to me, even now, there is hope left, but I cannot see it. It is long since we had any hope. My father is a noble man, but his rule is failing, and our people lose faith — Boromir (Sean Bean), Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

I’m not taking encouragement very well right now when people tell me that things will get better … And as much as I am trying to have faith that things will improve and they will fall where they are supposed to, I can’t keep it without evidence of something getting better for me instead of something staying pat or getting worse..

It hit me pretty bad at Andy’s place today. The place is a virtual construction zone and I only have compliments for what he is doing with the house… At the same time, it panged at me and hurt with the realization I couldn’t help him out with the house like I want to. The most I can do is stumble in and out because my body has failed me, even though there is will power left and a humbled soul inside me….

Even now there is hope left, but I cannot see it….

I can’t grip reality, only fantasy. I ought to see a shrink but then again they would only confirm things i already know about myself and give me solutions that I have already heard and thought of and probably try to put me on drugs to cure me with more chemicals… Which I wouldn’t want. I don’t want to fake my way to feeling better. I want to achieve it with things improving…. And yet when I think of how to achieve it, the dream is what I set as a benchmark… Which isn’t realistic and yet it’s what I want…

I don’t know if I am screwed up in the head or someone that should be applauded for holding on to their wants and not compromising…. Yet my wants are compromised by the fact that maybe God didn’t plan it the way I was hoping he did — or that it will only fall that way with time…

I could close this with the “it is long since we had any hope” but that wouldn’t be the truth…