Humility

This entry has a dual purpose because there’s an anecdote from the hospital that I’ve failed to report in here and there was something that happened today (that I already bitched to someone about) that just really made me feel like less than I do already.

Lets go back to the Hospital and my immediate recovery in there. I told this story to someone already but I just like it because it’s so strange and at the same time so demeaning.

I got out of post-op and started on my way back to normalcy feeling pretty good despite a little pain from the operation. I was generally in good spirits. Was waiting to hear from a few people on my pager and wanted to take my time before I found out who was going to contact me and stuff. The hospital chaplain came into my room and gave me a blessing, even though I am a very very rotten Catholic. Actually made me feel good, if still awkward with religion.

It may have been a day later when I had two older people — middle age — come into my room and start talking to me. I told them flat out that I couldn’t understand and they were very understanding about it and did what they could to accommodate me. They were Catholic reps and wanted to give me communion and stuff like that. I explained to them my discomfort with religion and instead of trying to lecture me, I got a very understanding response from both of them and told that God loves me anyway. I was offered some literature (religious pamphlets, I assume — if not the bible) and accepted, though I never got those papers from these two. It was another pleasant experience that left me a little more at ease with religion and all that, if still awkward.

Unfortunately that didn’t remain the case. Someone had to screw things up and it happened the day of my discharge where I was made to feel like an it — not a person, just a thing. Some heathen, a poor and tortured soul with no heart or mind.

Some woman came into the room — big teeth, hair down to her chin, and started speaking to me. My mom was in the room at the time and we both tried to explain that I couldn’t hear well so I didn’t know what the woman was saying. Instead of her making any attempt to communicate with me — she just nodded and smiled and started speaking… Saying over and over again (as I found out later) that God Loves me. She didn’t look at me as she spoke these words, and she wasn’t looking to the heavens when she was either. She looked at my hat. She acted like I wasn’t there. She basically made me feel like nothing in her blessings. She single handedly – through her good intentions — endorsed the caricature of religion that I have over the years grown to have.

A week of work, shattered for the Lord. Thank you, ma’am. My mom gasped and laughed at the ridiculous after it happened. All I could do was join her — it was just too outrageous.

What does this accomplish if someone goes out and tries to do something for someone but makes them humiliated in the process? What does it accomplish for either side? You think it leaves you in good standing or makes you feel good in your heart to know you did something while not knowing how terrible you made the other party involved feel? That’s something that has bothered me before when I have gotten less than stellar reactions to gifts or niceties from me – I didn’t want to do something that made someone feel bad (though I may very well have accomplished it without trying to).

Why am I ranting about this?

Well, I had another lesson in humility to night — feeling humiliated — as my darling older brother continued to make me feel less than I already do during my recuperation. I won’t go into details because I’m just not in the mood but I don’t need a mocking head nod from the asshole, nor do I need criticism for making attempts at things to achieve some normalcy in my life, or scornful remarks for trying to go down the stairs and having an accident in the attempt (leg “giving out” under me before I got off the top step). I want to get better, I’d like to get better with help, but god damnit — I don’t need this shit in order to do that. I know this is tough for my family and I have apologized a few times to my parents because of it… Mike, on the other hand, is going past the “Older brother” stage and making me feel like I’m just some inept, incompetent little shit that hinders everything in the household and makes life a living hell for those who live here.

I don’t know folks — I’ll fight on but it doesn’t get any easier when people make you feel less than you are. I already have enough shit that I am up against, I could use support and understanding. I could use an attempt by others to make a connection so I don’t feel like just another member of one’s quota. I could use some understanding and less abrasiveness and arrogance and scornfulness in order to get through this. It’s tough for everybody, but remember it’s toughest for me first (as selfish as that sounds) — I don’t just have to live with these difficulties, I have to live with the knowledge I am passing on all this pain to my loved ones and firends…. It’s not a burden I would want anyone to carry.