Struggling

I really didn’t expect to be on here at all today from how my morning started and dragged on. I was very depressed along with not feeling great. I’m still extremely lethargetic and not very interested in doing anything in particular….

I had a grim morning – as I said – with my mind nit-picking on details of my own funeral and what I want. That’s how bad I was feeling… Blah.

I also talked to my younger brother on the phone tonight – I never call anyone on the phone and yet I called Andy for the first time and we just talked for a few minutes… From a rough and tumble image and a rough and tumble attitude — I got to see the pearly white of his soul in that conversation on the phone. It meant a lot to me…

Right now, I am completely lkost ladies and gentlemen. I’ve pretty much convinced myself I was right, wanting that second opinion — becasue any leg weakness I am having now is not a result of surgery on my upper back. I also convinced myself I have no goal to reach for — unless I get that back problem that is causing the leg weakness ultimately fixed.

And there is more — A distance of 900 miles and just how much a guy like me can mean to anyone else… No goals, failed ambitions, nothing to reach for except another’s hand.